Why does it have to be this way?

[JosieLane]

I hate anxiety. Depression I can handle. Sometimes I feel comfort in the lowest of low places my mind takes me to. That probably sounds messed up, but it's true. I can handle the crying and the feelings of being worthless. I can handle the fact that I can't get up or brush my teeth today. I can handle all the feelings of rejection and failure. But the anxiety...that's a whole different story. Anxiety makes me fear. I fear for my life. I question my sanity. It physically hurts. The tight muscles. The headaches. I can't breathe. I'm going to pass out. I'm going to vomit. My necklace is choking me. The fire that burns my body, but feels cold at the same time. I want to scream but I can't even think of how to make sound. Someone help me...but I don't know what I need from you, but please help me! And then something familiar hapoens that lets me know this is panic and I am not dying (it's rediculous, but I get gassy...that's how I know). And I can breathe a little bit. My tongue stops choking me. I can think of words again. And the words are questions. Is it ok to relax now? Why does this keep happening to me? Why can't I just feel like I did yesterday or 3 years ago. How come this guy and that guy and all those other people are just fine and I am fucking dying over here??

Yeah, anxiety is literally the worst. I desperately want to rid myself of these episodes. I want to be "better". I want to stop being afraid of being afraid. I just want to live and not be certain I am about to die. After two solid years of this crap and medication and counseling I should be done with this, right? I mean, how much do I have to suffer before I have suffered enough? When will this stop for good?

[Eowyn7]

I'm so sorry you are suffering. You have a very good way of expressing what anxiety feels like. I hope you have some coping strategies that help a bit. Therapy might help you identify some more strategies if you need help in that area. But I know, sometimes nothing helps, for a while.

I hope you feel better tomorrow!

[JosieLane in reply to Eowyn7]

Thank you! Sometimes just feeling "heard" helps. It's easier to get through this when you know you're not alone. I hope your tomorrow is good, too.

[Eowyn7 in reply to JosieLane]

I'm so glad I could help! This online community has helped me immensely in just a few weeks. I'm very grateful.

[Jamie2018]

Your description of anxiety is one of the best I've heard. Love the part where you need help but don't know what kinda help you need but help me. I can so relate to this. Hope you have better days ahead.

[JosieLane in reply to Jamie2018]

Thank you! I wish the same for you!

[Hidden]

Hello, sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment. You have provided a very accurate description of how anxiety feels. Please recognise it as an illness that can be successfully treated with the right medical and other support. How long this recovery will take varies, as we are all different. The questions you are asking are understandable 'Why is this happening to me etc' but, of course, that's not how life works. Bad things do happen, at some point, to all of us, without any exceptions (and, of course, good things happen too). Please remain hopeful, keep healthy, keep engaged and interested, however difficult that might be at this time, show yourself compassion, the tide will turn in your favour soon. Take care,

[JosieLane in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for responding. You are right...about everything you said! Finding patience in the difficult times is so hard. I always thought I would get over this like it was a virus, but it's not. This disease will always be with me, but I know that I can find the right recipe to cope and manage it. I hope you have a good day.

[Hidden]

Thank you for your reply. Not sure that it will always be with you - I suppose you'd have to ask a doctor that. Maybe like some illnesses you can be 'cured' of it completely or maybe like a lot of others, you learn to live with it. Either way it is possible to live a very happy, fulfilled and successful life with or after anxiety, and I wish that for you. Take care,

[So17]

Please don't say that. I started this monster on August 12 took lexapro with not so muck luck now I am on sertraline 50 seeing a therapist my 5 session will be today also saw a psychiatrist last Thursday. He gave me so much hope & confidence. I want to know that one day I can be back to be myself. He said in about 3 weeks now I read your post and it make me Wonder. Please find all the help you can get. Anxiety is a monster and I hate it as much as you do but I pray and ask god to help all of us. This is not easy!!

[Bluebaja]

I will just say you are not alone. I had my first anxiety attack 29 years ago. That was before it was okay to talk about with being stigmatized, labeled as looney, etc. There was no internet - so, as many of us often do in the beginning, I was self diagnosing every obscure medical condition causing my symptoms while sitting in my car on a lunch break with books I checked out of the library. Anxiety, panic, depression - in that order. I finally got help and medication. Life eventually improved. I still live with bought of anxiety and depression - 2 sides of the same coin they say. I go back to a therapist when I hit rough patches and we look for whatever current trigger may be promoting the anxiety. But you know what I have come to accept? I think I am just going to be living my life with this ailment the rest of the way. I refuse to let it take me to certain levels - so back into therapy helps, meds are always on board (ssri’s) but I’ll take benzodiazepines when the road gets a little rougher than I am willing to have it.

One thing I wanted to mention to you is that of all the therapy and medications I have taken and been through - by far the most powerful helper was group therapy. 7 people sitting in a circle, moderated by a therapist, all dealing with anxiety/depression. I did that for 3 years. Every week. Changed my life. Again, before the internet, but this kind of forum online just does not have the power of group therapy. I cannot hug you when you need it. I got a lot of hugs in that group and gave them too.

Best to you along your path, D.

[JosieLane in reply to Bluebaja]

Thank you for responding. Your words, and everyone else's too, are inspiring and fill me with hope. I think group sessions would be a great next step for me. I don't live in a big city, but I bet there is something I could find. I will look into it and see. When you said "I can't hug you.." that really spoke to me. A hug can do so much. Thanks, again!