I hate anxiety. Depression I can handle. Sometimes I feel comfort in the lowest of low places my mind takes me to. That probably sounds messed up, but it's true. I can handle the crying and the feelings of being worthless. I can handle the fact that I can't get up or brush my teeth today. I can handle all the feelings of rejection and failure. But the anxiety...that's a whole different story. Anxiety makes me fear. I fear for my life. I question my sanity. It physically hurts. The tight muscles. The headaches. I can't breathe. I'm going to pass out. I'm going to vomit. My necklace is choking me. The fire that burns my body, but feels cold at the same time. I want to scream but I can't even think of how to make sound. Someone help me...but I don't know what I need from you, but please help me! And then something familiar hapoens that lets me know this is panic and I am not dying (it's rediculous, but I get gassy...that's how I know). And I can breathe a little bit. My tongue stops choking me. I can think of words again. And the words are questions. Is it ok to relax now? Why does this keep happening to me? Why can't I just feel like I did yesterday or 3 years ago. How come this guy and that guy and all those other people are just fine and I am fucking dying over here??
Yeah, anxiety is literally the worst. I desperately want to rid myself of these episodes. I want to be "better". I want to stop being afraid of being afraid. I just want to live and not be certain I am about to die. After two solid years of this crap and medication and counseling I should be done with this, right? I mean, how much do I have to suffer before I have suffered enough? When will this stop for good?