Anyone feel this way?

[Willow2022]

I have a lot going on that triggered my most recent depressive spiral. In my mind, it’s a lot. But the big picture is I have a roof over my head, a healthy family and a good therapist.

Here’s the deal though: I find myself wanting (hoping? Wishing?) for something big to happen. A death of a loved one, a car accident, a house fire… things that my mind tells me are good enough reasons to have the depression and anxiety that I do. These thoughts are so pervasive at times that I feel like a horrific person wanting justification for feeling “down” or “worried” that I am wishing pain and stress on others.

What do I do? 😕

[Willow2022]

I am in therapy but I haven’t brought this up yet. It just started. I was wondering if anyone had ever felt something similar.

[Willow2022]

I guess I am the only one who feels like this. I reread my original post and it sounds so harsh. It’s not that I wish anyone else to feel pain or death or anything like that. I think my brain is trying to find a reason to be so anxious or so depressed. Everyday life and stressors shouldn’t make me feel this way. When I look around at people around me who handle it all just fine I wonder what the heck is so broken in me that I can’t handle life without a depressive episode or panic attack. I want to be resilient.I want to be strong.

I want to have grit.

I just feel fragile and hollow and broken.

[Hidden in reply to Willow2022]

ahhhhhhh no offense....u dont sound lke think...lonely? not wanted or eneeded?? sound depressed....ya so what....sound like terific person ande nicely senstife to me........wishing everything wonderful for u.....go do something fun or diferent or some6hint u always wished...

sound v desrving

[lonlee1]

I try to look at the bigger picture everyday, but lately it seems not to be working. I just telling my self nothing lasts forever. I wish that something big would happen for me also. Your not horrific. We all want an escape.

[Hidden in reply to lonlee1]

ooh impressive who ever u are.....

[nightsoul]

Hi, I think it is a good step you were able to write this out. This is not harsh at all. This is exactly what it is. Depression is not about 'what happens/happened to someone' - it is about a mental state. If you had a reason, you would call it something else: bereavement,... (but the conscious mind wants to find the reason) And if you think about it, many times the most wealthy or most fortunate ones have depression. How your life seems on the outside is just the surface, and many times it is very different from how you feel in the inside.The conscious mind works with logic, reasoning, explaining, putting things together. So your mind is trying to find 'the reason', and because it cannot find any, it goes further: tries to imagine one and wish for it to happen so it can explain your feelings that way, so it could complete its task. I think you might not allow yourself - and maybe you haven't been allowed by others - to feel depressed (or feel certain ways); so you believe you need a reason.

If you have a good therapist then you are lucky with that: what you can try is to figure out together what is that specifically you need in your life or at this stage of your life to feel fulfilled, must be some needs of yours that are not met.

Already living with your mother in law is a big stress factor and could be even the only reason that puts you into feeling this way, but I don't know your whole story. Try to discuss everything with your therapist that could help a lot. ...maybe even though you try to be nice to your in law, inside you feel trapped and watched and of course pressed down.

Have you tried talking to your husband about things, your circumstances and your health and/or the effect of your circumstances on your health?