Anxiety Attacks can anyone help???

[Nitany]

Hi everyone, I have abandonment fears which causes me severe anxiety and panic (anxiety attacks). I have been married for 23 years and my wife just told me she is done with me. I am extremely scared I will be by myself forever, that I won’t find anyone else and I’m too old to start over (51 years old) nor do I want to, however my wife and I have many problems and are unhappy with each other. I tried praying, therapy, talking nonstop to family/friends, I take lexapro and serterline and nothing is helping. Does anyone have any suggestions. The pain of fear, abandonment, and anxiety,panic are literally making me feel like death. Please help any suggestions would mean the world to me thank you

[LoveforAll41]

Hi Nitany, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would imagine there is something in your past that has given you these abandonment issues. I think the anxiety shows that you care about people in your life and you will work to keep them around. It sounds like you have done couples therapy though and have both decided you may be better of splitting up.

If you were able to keep a relationship going for 23 years I am sure you are more than capable of having another one, though you may want some solo time first. I would try to find a good therapist and accept these fears and this anxiety and come to peace with being solo. Then I think you will be empowered to be a better partner. I always recommend David Burns and his book "Feeling Great" as well as the Feeling Good Podcast. If you can keep your marriage I am always an advocate for that, but I know that sometimes it truly is time to move on. I wish you peace, hope, and strength.☮️

[Nitany in reply to LoveforAll41]

This is super helpful. Feeling alone and scared has given me panic attacks every time I come home from work. Having someone give great advice really helps thank you

[Chiblue]

Awhile ago a person took me through the worst case scenario practice and it oddly helped. So if I was to mimic that, I would say “so she leaves” then what? And you answer. Then you take that worst possible scenario and say ok if then that happened then what? And as you go down the path it starts to reveal how it’s highly unlike all of these fears will reach these points and will also shed a light on how even if they do you are still ok. Not sure if helpful but I found it to be

[Nitany in reply to Chiblue]

This is great advice, I am going to do this. This fear of abandonment is more powerful than anything I have ever gone through. I need to learn that I will be ok no matter what but it is so hard for me. I am going to try worse case scenario thank you so much

[LoveforAll41 in reply to Nitany]

I think that it will be okay pretty much no matter what. I mean the worst case is that we die from something, but death is just the next step in the journey. I also remind myself that it is okay to be scared and really sad. A relationship of 23 years over will probably have a mourning period, but that is okay. Some things in life are hard and it is okay to be very upset.

[Nitany in reply to LoveforAll41]

Thank you I appreciate your words. I wish I could just snap out of it but it’s like talking yourself out of a heart attack

[Nitany]

You should be a professional therapist your words are amazing and I really really appreciate them. I’m trying to take the steps and I know it will take time but it’s hard to see that when you’re in it hopefully every day gets a little bit better

[designguy]

You might consider if what you are really dealing with is trauma or complex trauma probably from childhood that you haven't healed yet that is causing your anxiety/fear of abandonment issues. There is a lot of good info on youtube about childhood trauma/c-ptsd and you may benefit from finding a trauma therapist to work with, mine used emdr which was very helpful for my recovery.

[Nitany in reply to designguy]

Thank you I will look into all of that. What is emdr?

[designguy in reply to Nitany]

You're welcome. EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization reprogramming and is a proven treatment therapy for trauma/c-ptsd. I worked with a general therapist who used emdr and it didn't help much but then I worked with a trauma therapist that used it and it helped a lot. You can find info about emdr on youtube and the web.