Anxiety again

[Gillyflower18]

Well it’s been a hard two weeks.

My GAD has flared again. I’ve been climbing the walls again. I think the past year and a half has caught up with me. I’ve been pushing my limits for a long time. With my operation and recovery, going back to work too early, my sister ‘s stroke and running back and for to the hospital and now the care center it’s just too much. I’m so nervous and tight I’ve had trouble with disassociating again . It’s scary but I’ve had it off and on since my twenties. My psychiatrist has given me a limited prescription for Valium to break the cycle for which I’m grateful. I’m wary of benzos but carefully prescribed for a limited time they do help. Sometimes I’m so exhausted and tight I can barely move. My zoning out seems to be connected to visiting my sister. It’s just so hard for me right now. She was the person who understood the crazy way we were raised. All my other relatives have passed away or are more nuts than we are. Thank God for my therapist at least she understands. Hopefully I be able to sort it out and get back on track soon. I still go and see her even though she rarely remembers when I’ve been. We talk about old times in between her talking about dead people who have been visiting her. She hallucinates quite a bit. Very sad. She was such a bright caring person but she is just a shell of herself now in just two years. It affects me deeply and I think my mind shuts down sometimes to give me a momentary break. Just thought I’d let everyone know what’s going on.

[Agora1]

Hi Gillyflower18, You've got a lot going on in your life and need to slow down a bit

and take care of yourself. The anxiety surfacing again is letting you know this.

Interesting and true that you disassociate in order to give your mind a break from

all the reality around you. Where as , you sister is talking about dead people that come

to visit her. Don't put too much emphasis on her hallucinating.

I've been doing a lot of research and study on death and dying lately. The more we know

about things we fear, the better we are. One of the things that is very common with

the person being in the state your sister is, is having relatives and even their favorite animal

around them. It's the body's way in protecting the mind so we don't fear death. It's a way

to assure us that family and friends and even pets are waiting to rejoin them.

One of my meditations goes into this aspect of living by telling us we are never alone.

I actually feel myself smile when I can imagine all those that I loved and were a part of

my life are by my side. I smile knowing my beautiful German Shepherd will be waiting for

me. My arm around her as we sit on the porch stoop waiting for my daughter to come home

from school. The memories are so vivid and comforting. Know that your sister is using

these memories to make her feel safe and welcoming.

I know this is a very very difficult time for you so please allow yourself some "me time".

Time to take care of Gillyflower. Seeing your sister now is emotionally draining and

you must regenerate when coming home from a visit with her. My thoughts are with you

both. I appreciate the updates. Keep us posted on yourself as well. I care xx

[Gillyflower18 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you Agora. I’m glad you understand. With depression and anxiety as lifelong companions this stressor surely can be overwhelming. You’re right I have to take better care of myself due to the previous conditions that affect me every day. Sometimes it just gets to be more than my brain can handle. Thank heavens I have a good therapist. I know my sister will never get better and it frightens me. I live a very lonely life which doesn’t help either. Will try to give myself a break by keeping more busy to keep my mind off it.

[Agora1 in reply to Gillyflower18]

Know that we are with you Gillyflower during this most difficult time. xx