I have two tasks I cannot seem to get myself to be able to do. Back taxes is one; the other is a set of really difficult, tricky legal-financial calculations in a divorce case, that I just don't feel even nearly equipped to do, and have kept putting off, but is needed now.
When I get like this, I feel like giving up and taking the easier way out - suicide.
I'm not going to. I don't even feel that close; although all thoughts and feelings and intent can turn that way in a second.
I'm just tired of this emotional whiplash that never seems to end, and just always recurs. I'm struggling with some computer problems right now too; I ordered a new one to arrive Wednesday, but just feel overwhelmed and like I'm on an island alone. I want to sleep, and did for about half the day, in my office.
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Gandolfication
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Yes, a thought can quickly turn into a action if not addressed promptly. I know you've probably heard it several times, but please see a mental health professional. In the meantime, it may be helpful to not look at the whole pie but just pieces for now. One mini task a day, until you feel confident enough to tackle a big piece. For taxes- Maybe gather one tax document a day, or tax documents from one year.
I could be wrong about this, but I think suicidal thoughts for those of us, suffering from depression, anxiety and other such things kind of occur quite often when we don’t have itbunder control or we’re feeling off when we do.
I’ve been feeling basically no depression& anxiety for about a year and a half now, but recently lost my dad and have some struggles with a couple things and depression came back in and with it came some light suicidal thoughts. Not that I was going to even remotely go there but they’re part of the freaking game as it were .
Maybe you’ve tried a bunch and are tired from trying but question is what haven’t you tried.
Basically if I hadn’t found relief then life is ultra
My advice I’m giving you I screwed up for way too long u til I tried something outside the norm for me
To me we need to try anything new in hopes those reoccurring pains and feelings get smashed into smirereens!
I have tried so very, very many things, within the normal ranges of treatments and quite a few outside of them, exotic and alternative, for decades.To the point where it is very easy to believe, even if mistakenly, that is just never abates.
I keep trying old things that worked, such as exercise, and human connection, and new things that might like they positive self-talk program I've been using for a couple months that has had some good effect.
🤷♂️
I keep trying medications although these have never done anything for me or for my depression. I stay on lithium for bipolar too, and recently my psychiatrist/ neurologist is experimenting with Qelbre a non-stimulant for ADHD and a low does form of ozempic because why not?
hey I apologize for my poor writingin your post. My brain can be like trying to lasso a bucking bronco and sometimes I miss things including words, and my grammar can suck.
Man I feel for you,you’ve really battle, haven’t you? You being an educated man I’m sure you have approached your mental health and challenges from a pretty intelligent way and keep fighting. No real relief from symptoms can be exhausting and frustrating. I definitely would know right there with you..
My symptoms first started when I was 24 years old and I’m 67 years old now . I got really sick in 2010. I couldn’t find a relief from anything either for years. A new psychiatrist put me on lithium 2016 and it Helped somewhat. It took me from 15 out of 10 to a 7 to 10 out of 10 so at least I can have some level relief. Let me correct that I had good days where I was a 3 to 5 out of 10 sometimes.
We obviously know that everybody’s wired different, and there’s all kinds of mitigating factors for fighting relief. Here’s my personal recent success story , The best I can recall , just in case it can help in anyway
I was on lithium I forget how much, maybe 900 a day, buspirone 5 mg, and Klonopin .5 mg for about seven years. Depression was someone under control but my Ongoing anxiety was raging on .
midway through 2022 and I’m pretty much toast . It hits to go to a hospital for the first time. They took me off of lithium because my kidney readings are high from it and increase my Busiprone from 5 mg to 30 .
They put me on Celexa 20 mg and Lamicral 150 mg . Don’t quote me on dosages. o And I walked out of the hospital 90% symptoms free for both depression and anxiety and that still that way since October 2022.
What they told me was that I was severely under medicated .
Was it luck? Was a God?
Who the heck cares. After having symptoms on and off ,from mild to strong ,from 24 years old to that wonderful day I walked out of the hospital.
When I feel overwhelmed, the suicide ideations thoughts come into my head. I have learned not to listen to them anymore and just think, "Yes, it would be easier, but really?" I play music and walk until those thoughts go away. What do you do when those thoughts come into your head? Don't give them room.
Yah, I don't give them nearly the same amount of air time or seriousness that I used to. I try to remind myself that a little bit of time from now, I'll either feel better or worse because of something I did right now, and then I try to start doing that thing. It's not perfect. It tends to make me perpetuate being a human doer more than a human being, but it beats endlessly ruminating about a desire to disappear and die and not exist anymore.
I do also think of some things I'm grateful for like the people in my life.
I'm still tired of being tired, and life still hurts like a m**********r a lot, but I realize it end and flows.
Are you in a position to hire a divorce attorney to finalize everything for you. Same for the taxes. It may be worth the money for your health. During my divorce I relied heavily on my attorney. My mental health was rock bottom and she shieded me from so many triggering situations.Imagine the relief you will feel. There is nothing wrong with being stuck on certain things. Happens to everyone. We all have strengths and weaknesses.
My divorce was finalized a couple years ago. The tax issue is just a financial one, and one I don't want to and as yet am not facing.
Life seems so perfectly pointless right now.... just pushing against the ceaseless current of the day, to go though the same routine again, to do it again the next day, to keep my head, and the heads of my kids (and my ex, who I still support) above water. I know I'm supposed to derive meaning from this, but I don't. It feels very Sisyphean, a never-ending exercise just to get to the same thing again the next moment, the next day, and so on until it ends. I suppose it does end, though, with death. Rationally, it seems to make sense to keep going, to reach down once again, within myself and find the courage to work, and try, and change. But that isn't how it feels at all. It feels like it makes sense to go ahead and sleep to escape the pain, stress, anxiety and boredom. I have no idea actually. I just know I feel tired, without hope, in despair, worthless, pointless.
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