This is my first time joining a community like this and I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking to get out of this, but I figure at the very least I can get this feeling off my chest.
I'm 21 and have struggled with anxiety and depression for the majority of my life. The severity of it always varies, but the one feeling that I can never shake is feeling like I'm in a glass box. Each and every time I interact with anyone I feel like it's always done behind a glass window that no one knows is even there. Somedays it feels like it can get paper thin, but it never truly goes away. It's such a lonely feeling I don't know how to deal with.
At times it makes me feel like a fraud. Like I'm going through the motions of a smiley happy person who is able to interact with others, but I can't shake the fact that I live behind a window pane. I've never really figured out why I feel this way, but I sorta just do. It's really hard for me to explain this feeling to other people and it makes me feel like I'm the only one who feels this way sometimes.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking for posting this, but here it is I guess. Thanks for reading.
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bimxroni
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I suffered with acute anxiety from early childhood and didn't really experience a genuine release until I was well into my adult life.
That explanation of the principle character of your sense of being behind a glass wall is a very curious experience (though common in different individual expressions).
I knew that sense from when I was about 9 years old. Only in my case the way I rationalised that sense was realising that when I looked in the mirror I didn't know who I was.
When singing as a child I was always the chorister solo treble because that was who I was in real life. And of course I could have a considerable effect at weddings and funerals.
When in the cathedral choir and walking through the city in my cassock and surplus with the ruff of the Cathedral on my neck, I occasionally caught my reflection in a shop window and began to think that I 'knew' myself in the reflection.
I soon discovered that I knew the symbol of the lad in the reflection - and so it went on through college, hospital work, the army and into my career for many years. I knew the symbolic man but I didn't yet know myself.
There is a consequence that arises when we internalise a view of ourself which is based entirely on how we are 'told' who we are - and not really seeing who we are at a young age. That comes with the rough and the smooth because we can be many things and others may simply not approve of who we are when 'who we are' is not even understood by ourselves, or when we feel abused and internalise a wrong sense of who we are in ourselves.
That feeling of being a fraud is the developed sense of realising that we cannot be what others want us to be (especially parental expectations). The only real way to deal with it is to stop smiling and to start making yourself known.
"This is my first time joining a community like this"
Welcome.
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"Like I'm going through the motions of a smiley happy person who is able to interact with others, but I can't shake the fact that I live behind a window pane."
I think that we all kinda wear a mask at times, and it's hard to do when you're not in the mood to wear a mask.
Welcome bimxroni. I feel you have come to the right place to get support. So many of us have lived the way you described and I think when you read this it will hopefully validate some of you feelings.
Something to think about as I'm not asking you to share more than you are comfortable with but my question is how was your childhood and your connection with " nurtures"
I was raised by a mother who, for whatever reason, was not a nurturing woman. She was supposed to be my safety. By her actions I learned things like I was not good enough and to keep my voice and feelings buried. This lead to low self worth, fear of judgement, inability to express myself, fear and anxiety.
All this traveled with me through my life. I built a cement wall as protection. I thought it was helpful but in the end it was not. I put that mask on every day. I could present myself as a strong independent woman. No one had a clue. I stuffed all my hurt and pain.
By internalizing I became a ticking time bomb. My walk was starting to crack and my feelings started seeping through. Eventually my wall came tumbling down.
I've spent years trying to find " me". I'm now the person I was probably meant to be. There is no mask. I am who I am and I like " me"
I hope that reading a bit of my story helps you see you are not alone.
Hello Dolphin. I think it’s liberating when we finally have the confidence to be “ourselves”. There’s an advert on TV, I can’t remember what’s being advertised but I do remember the song accompanying it, it goes “Be yourself, you can’t be anybody else”. Inspiring and so true.
Yes. It's frightening when it falls off. It's foreign territory at that point. Inner child work helped me see why I wore it and allowed me to let go of old messages. Believe me they are not gone but I no longer stuff it, I work it
I found some educational courses very useful. As well as learning academically I learned a lot about myself. I think that awareness was the turning point for me, plus one of the benefits of getting older is that I don’t care very much about what people think of me .
Hi 🐬14! I agree 💯👍 Over the last 10 months I've been doing deep Inner Child work and working on reframing my childhood traumas and sexual abuse. My favorite teacher for this part of my journey has been Gabor Maté on YouTube. He's amazing for ADHD, trauma, addiction and much more. Dennis Simsek The Anxiety Guy is my go to for ANYTHING anxiety related.
I just listened to this podcast from Gabor this morning. It was awesome. youtu.be/c2cJb1QeMIQ
I've finally gotten to the point where I'm removing my 🎭 mask more and more and for longer periods of time. I have several different masks for hiding my insecurities and weaknesses from the world since I was 3 when my sexual abuse started. I'll be 50 next year and I've wasted more time than I'd like to admit hiding from myself and my life.
For me, this is and continues to be the hardest part of me growing up. Realizing that I don't have to be burdened by my past regardless of the trauma, but also acknowledging that it doesn't necessarily have to "go away" for me to thrive in society. Im learning how to be compassionate to myself whereas before Id just blame myself for being weak or dumb or incompetent. A lot of self defeating habits and low self esteem and self worth were at the core of my emotional suffering. I'm the victim that continued to victimize myself decades after my abuser was no longer a daily influence on me. I just picked up the attacks on myself once he was out of the picture and carried his torch of torment for him. Essentially my abuser had LIVED rent free in my head from 1977-2022 when I finally evicted him.
I know exactly what you guys have gone through and are dealing with. But it can get better. Being proactive in understanding myself by learning WHO I really am has been critical in moving forward and healing my past.
Thank you so much for this reply. I wanted to listen to the pod cast before I responded.
That was very well done and informative. It's great that you shared this.
The old messages that have stuck with us for years need to be put to rest. But you are right, we have to know they are there in order to know how to work on putting out those flames
We carried the pain for a long time. I've learned the pain is always lurking on the background. We can't extinguish this all the way but we can learn to quiet it down and tell it to back off with the proper education and coping skills.
This is a chance at a new beginning. We are heading down the path of a new way of life. The key is constant work and awareness.
I love Gabor's approach to teaching about trauma and all aspects of mental health challenges. He makes everything "make sense", ya know? I'm a person that needs to understand the why's and how's of stuff to really get the subject matter. And mental health is not a defined science. You can't apply a one size fits all approach to treating any of us. That's the beauty of being individuals but the major drawback on deciding what combination of therapies are gonna work for each of us. Our symptoms unite us...our treatment 🧩 puzzle remains a mystery for most.
I'm learning about myself and how these educational and scientific epiphanies are related to my healing process. Being proactive has changed my trajectory. Only I can heal myself. These are the tools I'm gathering along the way to facilitate that journey. I'm so glad to have found a group of like minded individuals that I can share the evolution with.
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