Hi I'm a 36 year old female. I've been struggling with panic attacks and Anxiety and depression since I was 19 years old. I've been on different types of medication Zoloft and Prozac and also Xanax since struggling with this mental illness. There will be times when for months or even a couple of years I would not have an incident at all. But being in my 30s it seems like I have an incident just about every year or so sometime they would last months. i've been really struggling the last few months actually scratch that this last year I don't even take care of my personal parents as much I don't clean up the house like I'm supposed to I just want to sleep endlessly. I also struggle with insomnia. My mind keeps me up at night thinking about ridiculous things that ice "worry about" I even struggle at work and I get overwhelmed even though I do things one thing one day at a time. Even though I feel this way I tend to try to put a happy face and act like nothings wrong but inside I feel tormented. I even taken of hobbies to keep my mind busy so just crocheting and other craft activities but yet sometimes that's that doesn't help at all. I question my self worth a lot. Even my husband notices and I keep asking myself I want to how much longer he's going to put up with this and eventually leave me. That's for my children I have a teenage daughter and a kindergartner and I hope and pray that they don't have to struggle and feel the way I do. I feel lost and alone. Leaving to try to talk to my closest friends they don't grasp or understand what I feel because they don't have this mental illness. I wish my brain will process a different way but unfortunately it doesn't. At times I just want to sleep and never wake up. But I can't just do that because of my daughters. It wouldn't be fair for them. Taking medication for this illness makes me feel like a zombie at times my emotions feel so generic. It's like here take this happy pill you'll feel better once you take this. Why can I just feel happy like a normal person without the constant worry or the what if's or do you do this tonight or what's everybody thinking of me. The constant racing of my mind of needless thoughts. I'm not sure what else I could do like a said been struggling with this since I was 19 years old and now I'm 36 and still struggling with this. It gets worse when I lose a loved one in the family. I just want to be the sane person. I want to be able to take on the day without worry I'm feeling tormented inside is that too much to ask?