Do you feel like "running away from home" too?

I've been more and more depressed lately. I've felt this way many times before but it seems that every time my depression rears its ugly head, it's worse than it was the last time. It's a black spiral spinning out of control. My head just wont shut up! My birthday was yesterday (I made it to 55)... not one phone call, email, text - nothing. I feel so insignificant most of the time and I'm feeling it a lot today. My sister doesn't speak to me and I don't know why. I sleep a lot due to depression and my parents accuse me of doing drugs (I don't). I don't have any friends, not one. I got laid off a few weeks ago so I don't even have co-workers now. I never let any one get close to me because experience has taught me that they will hurt me - deeply! and in so many ways.

Some times I go days without showering, brushing my teeth, getting off the couch... I just sit hear and think about all the things I should be doing but don't do. And feel guilty about it, think I'm such a waste of space, which just makes me do nothing even more.

When my depression gets really bad, like now, I get an overwhelming urge to just pack my car up and run away. I make plans of how to do it, where to go, what to do for work - I search the internet for all these things, dreaming of how good it would feel to just start over somewhere NO ONE knows where I am.

Then I remember that my problem is me and "wherever I go, there I am". Running away won't make any thing better. In fact, it would make things worse. I know this intellectually, but my depression doesn't listen. So then I start thinking about suicide.

This sucks!!! Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? Please don't say "Aw, shucks, give it some time, it'll get better". I know this. I'm just feeling a little crazy right now and would like to hear how others deal with these times.

Thanks for listening -

29 Replies

  • Hi, that's depression and anxiety it's how we feel most of the time so to answer your question yes I and others feel exactly the same way. Our natural reaction is to run and never stop looking back , but then we know this is never the outcome as it catches us back up again !

    Like you I sleep a lot and that is due to the anti depressants I take mirtazipne 45mg so take it at night and sleep till mid morning. I also suffer some side affects too, but I am starting to manage this now

    I live alone and family members are always busy getting on with their lives so I get how you feel and like you I keep friends ata distance sometime you don't realise your doing it!

    So how do I deal with it all. To be honest I don't I struggle . All I can say is that I take each day at a time , I try not to plan things in advance other than doctors as it gets out of hand for me dreaming and planning a new life here and their. Yesterday I was looking at how I could travel round Europe etc but then what would I do with all my stuff in my rented flat! I have started to sell the stuff I don't really need or could actually live without so this gives some extra money which feels good as long as you don't spend it! I have bipolar symptoms ns so I have to be careful about spending!

    My advice is to try and focus on today , go for a walk may help? Maybe go do some window shopping around a large town or city nearby and watch the world go by? Or if you have a hobby try and get your head into that ?

    I have started selling and buying a little on eBay to see if I can make more income and spend a lot of time on that currently it helps but I know it's not a long term solution..

    Whatever you decide let us know !

  • Oh if I could only tell you how many times I have this fantasy! I plan where I am going as well and have even started looking on Zoopla for properties many miles away. I want to disappear from my family's lives too. I only have 3 sisters and a nephew but we are not close.

    Did you ever watch 'Heir Hunters' on the telly. I fantasise that I am one of the unclaimed estates and just when they have traced my sisters and told them they have money coming, they uncover my will leaving it all to charity!

    I often feel invisible and not worth anything too.

    You don't say whether you have seen your doctor and are getting any help? If not this is your first point of call.

    One of the tricksI have learnt is when I have a negative thought ie I haven't done this or that is to follow it with a positive one such as well done for getting out of bed at all feeling so lousy. It takes practise but it does work.

    Meantime stay with us here as we all understand. You are not alone any more. x

  • Frgtn, I too lost my job of 17 years recently and for me it was the tipping point for my anxiety to escalate to place it hasn't been in years. For me I have to focus not on one day at a time but literally minute by minute. My family also assures me that "I've been through worse" and that " I'll be okay" and those are the two most frustrating statements. Anxiety/ depression makes you feel like your never okay even when things by all outward appearances seem fine. It's those little voices that constantly nag at you creating self doubt. It's not a bad idea to run away but maybe just on a smaller scale. Sometimes it's good to just go for a ride a few towns over or go to a different store, etc. a little change, though scary, can bring a little perspective on things and make you feel better. It gets you out of your own head and focused on something else. Hang in there, you truly are stronger than you think you are.

  • I don't know how many times I read posts and think I could have written the same words about my life. Your post touched me, especially when you wrote about your sister. I also have a sister that will not talk to me, and I cannot understand why. I called a church counselor once at a very low point saying I felt guilty for breathing Gods air, because I was such a waste. He told me to come in, but since my call was anonymous I didn't want to be known for my selfishness. I have a support dog and believe me she helps a lot. I try to occupy myself to quiet the constant negative thoughts. I listen to audiobooks (a lifesaver) and pray to do better today. I don't go out much so I really don't have much contact with people. I am here alone so I know I have to live to the best of my ability. I have good days, I have bad days, I have rotten days that seem to be lessening since I have taken ownership of myself. Not easy...But doable. After years in that black hole, doable is ok

  • Selfish???I do not get that. Sounds like depression/anxiety talking. Who wouldn't be anxious after losing a job ?

  • Sorry your sister doesn't talk to you and you do not know why. Lots of people would be depressed about this. I also know what it is like to be "canned" at a job- it hurts especially when older. Sometimes when one feels down - it's hard to get or take advice. You probably just want someone to listen. I am sure you were a productive person after all these years- then you got laid off like an old shoe. Sometimes I wonder if people even value each other anymore other than just the few in their circle. I hope that you can find a peer support group when you are ready. Shame on your sister also for not communicating with you especially now when you really need her, and shame on your parents for treating you this way also.

  • I would LOVE to have a supportive group (besides here - in person). How do I go about finding one? Just search for Depression Anonymous? I'm serious, I have no clue how to begin. Thank you for your kindness

  • I attended a support group sponsored by NAMI. It was good. Unfortunately, in this case it was far away. Perhaps you could contact NAMI, or look at their website. They have peers ( or others going through issues who are trained) who lead groups. There are also recovery learning groups ( RLC) in various areas - but I do not know about yours.

  • Thank you! I will check these out

  • About wanting to run away when we are down. Why not?

    I live in the US. Tampa, Florida. A long time friend of mine lives about 4 states away.....about 500 miles. The US is so friggin large...It would cover most of Europe. But it's hard to explain to some one in the UK that I can't say "Hi!" to their son in San Francisco. That's in California, a continent away....maybe over 4,000 miles. We have 48 states in this continent alone....then there is massive Alaska, snuggled next to Canada, and the Hawaiian Islands floating thousandssssss of miles from me on the coast of the Gulf of Mexico.

    So we have made a "bucket list". One that is for the purpose of "running to" instead of "running away". All these states and places we have never seen or been in our own country. We know we both have some challenges, but rarely at the same time, and the one who's doing well really does help pull the other up. It takes time and a modest amount of money and planning, but we think we should start planning 3-5 day road trips. We can map a route that takes us through 3-5 states neither of us has been. We think planning at first for more than 5 days of sanity is insanity. She has a car and so do I and we both drive. I drive to her home and then we decide which car to take from there. My husband is incredulous but supportive. She is single, and neither one us will ever see 66 again. Our cars are four doors, and we intend to start this next year and just take basic clothing, make sandwiches and keep a small cooler for drinks and a colt 45, stay at cheap road motels, etc. We have room for two more. HINT!

    Did any one pick up the hint or see anything we shouldn't take?

    :) :) :) :)

  • That sounds amazing!! I've done a lot of things off my bucket list but my biggest one is to travel the whole US.

  • We just hope we can do it. Are you leaving a hint?

  • Well, it's just in the thought planning and seeing what states neither of us has been. Guess that means two sets of US maps and then drawing diagrams.

    Have you read my email and answered the quiz at the end?

  • Good for you!!! I am also 66.

  • Read my lengthy reply about four up.

  • I think the hint is picking up two more people- hence the four smiley faces? At any rate- it even sounds like fun planning. Besides that- how are you these days? We're going one state down to see my best friend of over fifty ears this weekend.

  • Enjoy your visit....really wonderful to have a friendship that long.

  • We had a wonderful time. Today, I am 66 also. Be well- and I hope that you are coming a long after all that you've been through.

  • Well, did you get to go-go any during the visit? Glad you had a good visit and long enough to enjoy it. I'm ok, stunned by the chaos on this venue yesterday, but that's all settled down now, I think. Going to try to find my way to a friend's who is house sitting her son's home while his family is on vacation. That's my goal for tomorrow afternoon. Spend the night and then back home for plans I had made before she called me yesterday. She's in a house with a dog and a rabbit, and coughing her head off due to her allergies. Mothers do have special places in their hearts for their children to go through that! :)

  • Right, got the hint. What are we planning to take that we shouldn't? :)

  • Can't see a thing you shouldn't take!

  • Check that list again....there's one thing I threw in there on purpose...some one in GB might pick up on it, but in the States, unfortunately, maybe it isn't as inappropriate as I think.

  • Dunno.

  • I should add I do not have the best eyes with small print- especially on the internet.

  • Frgtn, I'm always amazed by family members who shun "loved ones" with depression. It's like the Amish here in America who shun people who leave ther religion - probably the cruelest punishment possible. With depression, I wonder, what are they thinking to be treating so badly someone who's biggest problem is feeling worthless and alone?

    I'm in the same situation with two sisters who I used to have great relationships with. As we've grown older I feel I've lost their affection and respect. I honestly feel they wouldn't care if I just dropped dead. I know there are people who WOULD care, so it's not my depression telling me this. I say it based on their behavior and the way they have treated me. I don't know why they do this - they're educated women, and it would be so easy to learn about depression. But I also think they're tired of it. They are limited in the support and compassion within them. They just want to be "normal" and not be touched by the stigma of mental illness any more. It hurts, terribly. They're family. I remember better times. But I also know I have to survive this. So I try to move on.

    I would look for every support group you can find and force yourself to try them all until you find on that clicks. They are out there. If you're not seeing a doctor or therapist, get to one so you can feel better. There are meds that can help you feel more motivated to take care of yourself and see this as a time of challenges, yes, but also opportunities. Volunteering, looking for a PT job, getting up every day, exercising, all these things are possible and will help you feel better - BUT FIRST, you have to have the energy and motivation to do them. That's where help from a professional comes in.

    You have a lot of support right here and an invitation to hit the road with some fun ladies! See, people like you already! The lying around, not brushing your teeth, all that is not the real you. Those are symptoms of your illness. You can't help them. A lot of us here have had them, but I promise you it is possible to feel better.

    One day at a time. A little goal. Make a phone call. Set your family members aside and turn to people who do care, who can offer something positive. It will get better. Just don't give up with so much good that can be ahead of you, some just around the corner.

  • What a wonderful post!

  • That was wonderfully said, thank you! It does help

  • How many times I have packed my car up..(in my head)..but my salvation is my sons...but my chatty me has gone..and the sad thing is no one has realised..but hope you pull through everything..we will xx

  • As far as a routine goes maybe you could write a daily checklist ,,, number one get up , 2 take shower,brush teeth, 3 eat breakfast,,, I know it sounds simple but you will just be following directions instead of getting overwhelmed thinking it through... I recommend you make doctor appointment...

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