I've been more and more depressed lately. I've felt this way many times before but it seems that every time my depression rears its ugly head, it's worse than it was the last time. It's a black spiral spinning out of control. My head just wont shut up! My birthday was yesterday (I made it to 55)... not one phone call, email, text - nothing. I feel so insignificant most of the time and I'm feeling it a lot today. My sister doesn't speak to me and I don't know why. I sleep a lot due to depression and my parents accuse me of doing drugs (I don't). I don't have any friends, not one. I got laid off a few weeks ago so I don't even have co-workers now. I never let any one get close to me because experience has taught me that they will hurt me - deeply! and in so many ways.
Some times I go days without showering, brushing my teeth, getting off the couch... I just sit hear and think about all the things I should be doing but don't do. And feel guilty about it, think I'm such a waste of space, which just makes me do nothing even more.
When my depression gets really bad, like now, I get an overwhelming urge to just pack my car up and run away. I make plans of how to do it, where to go, what to do for work - I search the internet for all these things, dreaming of how good it would feel to just start over somewhere NO ONE knows where I am.
Then I remember that my problem is me and "wherever I go, there I am". Running away won't make any thing better. In fact, it would make things worse. I know this intellectually, but my depression doesn't listen. So then I start thinking about suicide.
This sucks!!! Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? Please don't say "Aw, shucks, give it some time, it'll get better". I know this. I'm just feeling a little crazy right now and would like to hear how others deal with these times.
Thanks for listening -