I'm really just looking for some advice and support. I have had depressions for a while and I just started doing the self care thing to try to help myself and talked to a therapist but it doesn't seem to help. I have been in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship and it's gotten worse the last 4 years. Which adds to my mental problems. He also got physically abusive a couple months back and I'm still struggling with that.
I need advice: I'm really just looking... - Anxiety and Depre...
I need advice
Written by
Penguin147
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Read more about...
60 Replies
•
sorry to hear that but it`s difficult to see things improving for you if you don`t get out the relationship.
I'm not sure how I would do that. Anytime I try to leave I feel like I'm forced to stay. We are married and have kids. It's a difficult situation
are you able to contact a woman`s refuge for advice even get a restraining order taken out against him.
He wants to contine the relationship and pushes it where I feel I have to stay. I'm unsure about what to do that won't affect my kids
sounds like he`s controlling you do the kids see his abusive behaviour because that will have a lasting effect on them as well.
My oldest overheard the last time with the yelling, breaking things and the physical stuff. She later had walked in as I was cleaning and seen the damage he had done to my room.
May I ask how old these littles are?
My oldest isn't even a teen yet
This is tough. I was in a house as a little with a similar unfortunate situation…I was place in foster care at 7 as the state found neither parent fit to care for us. The damage of my father’s actions destroyed my mother’s mental health. I always wondered, even at a young age why she let him do that to her, to us!
Did I want them to divorce? No. What lid does, but I hated our life most days…and especially nights. As I got older and look back, I realize my dad was addicted to alcohol, had his own mental health issues and it poured out to my mom and us kids. I do not live to blame him, however, if my mom would have had the support available today, I believe she would have left and had a life and fewer kids and kids that did not have to work through the collateral damage.
I say this not to scare or shame you, but to give you a perspective from a kid who lived it.
Find your tribe. A support group of family and friends close to you-as in, in person. Call a shelter, get info. Talk to your kids about how this is effecting them. For me, I seek Godly wisdom, perhaps you too have a Higher Power to lean on?! Support yourself first, then make a balanced decision for you and your children. It might be hard to leave, yet harder to live with regret if things escalate. Sending strength!
Advice- well I am an advocate if self help and holistic routes don’t improve the symptoms the next step is to continue to try and find the correct medications and dosages.
It’s just to darn hard to feel good unless something works for that crappy depression.
As far as your marriage. I counseled many who feel stuck inc myself. There are no easy answers so do what you need to do to be alright. Would he possibly be interested in marriage counseling or his he just to angry?
You said you just started therapy and self help. Give those some time to see about the benefit.
Much love
Penguin147 in reply to
He has mentioned marriage counseling. It's not the first time but it never happens. I also think he uses that as a tactic to get me to stay. He gets very angry when we fight. Throws things, breaks things, punches things. He also uses the tactic of "I'll kill myself." I've called him out for being abusive and he will then say that I am too towards him but I've never done half the things he has.
Mutual abuse is a myth. When you're told you are abusive too, that's gaslighting. I live through this too.
First make sure you and the kids are safe. I have been self caring my stress and depression without much success. My husband is verbally abusive. He rages when he drinks too much, which is often. During these times, I do not respond, I stay calm and let him go on and on. He knows I don't respond to yelling, it pisses him off, but he knows I will not engage his behavior. He has never been physical, he has been warned if he ever, I will leave and not look back, that is 100% unacceptable. If you want out, see an attorney, they will help guide you. Try individual therapy for your and if he is willing, marriage counseling.
My husband is angry when we fight. He cheated about 6 years ago but I found out 2 years afterwards. It lasted 6 months. And only recently has he even admitted that it was cheating and that was saying "if you think it was cheating then I guess it was." I gave him a chance and his efforts stopped so I then cheated. He just found out a few months ago and he went ballistic. Threw things, broke things, put his forearm on my throat, grabbed my arms, threw something that hit me then pushed me through a door and I fell.
I highly doubt his behavior will ever change. You don’t deserve to live with someone you are afraid of! I can’t believe a therapist wouldn’t advise you to leave.
I hope you find a way out. If you are afraid how he will react if you tell him, I would contact an attorney and get prepared to leave. I would then get out when he isn’t home and never look back.
Even if you have to go to a women’s shelter at first. He doesn’t need to know where you are.
That’s my advice, of course, you need to decide that for yourself.
Be safe!!
He keeps saying he is changing. Says at least he's not breaking things anymore. But his anger still is bad. My therapist is not very good in my opinion. Just praises me for taking steps to better myself. I appreciate everything everyone has said today.
How do you stay calm while he rages? I always fall apart sooner or later. It escalates until I do.
I don't. Sometimes when he starts breaking things I just back away because it scares me and tell him stop. I cry and tell him to leave.
I am pretty stubborn. I tell him that I will not respond or engage in any conversation unless he can sit down and talk without yelling. It takes a bit but eventually he stops raging when he realize he isn't getting any reaction from me.
We've got something in common. I'm pretty darn stubborn too. I consider it an asset.
I love what you taught me. So I won't forget, I've got a screenshot to check when I need it.
"I will not respond or engage in any conversation unless he can sit down and talk without yelling."
The words won't change anything but me, but that's enough.
Hello. May I ask if you are still in an abusive relationship? If so, please get help now! You need to surround yourself with those who care for you. A lack of self esteem, sometimes brought on by abuse, will only heighten you depression and/or anxiety. You might want to try antidepressants, just to keep you on an even keel. I will keep you in prayer. Good luck.
I am still in that relationship. He always promises to do better and says he for sure is changing this time but I'm not so sure. I'm not sure what kind of help you think I should need? Therapy? I am in that now but it's only been a few sessions and it doesn't seem to help. I appreciate your concern thank you
You don't need to figure out what kind of help is available. Dial 211 for Community Resources. Ask them what's available. Do it privately, you don't want him listening.
Dear Penguin147 you MUST find the courage to leave. You must. Go to the police. Show them your bruises. Contact Social Services tell them, tell any person in authority who might have the means to help you. Look around at your local churches. Even not being a member won't matter. Big churches have resources. Research on the internet and look for all your local resources that might be able to help you. Taking some action of self help will empower you internally but keep it secret from your husband. Make a flight bag for yourself and the kids. I know how difficult, even impossible this seems to you, but you will do this for your kids. Womens services will help. Please make a plan, empower yourself. Another person you can go to is your doctor, show him/her your bruises, My heart goes out to you.
I agree with much of what you've said, but your use of the word "MUST," all in capitals no less, really bothers me. We are here to support our friend, not demand. Isn't it human instinct to resist being given orders how to behave? I sure don't like it.
Your message, get help, protect yourself, seek support, I agree with every word.
I think she said MUST because he is going to hurt someone. You can go to a woman's shelter. It could happen that if your children are struggling and they are asked about it at school by the counselor, the counselor is a mandatory reporter. What he is doing is not ok. You do not want Child Services involved. Trust me the kids are listening to more than you think they are. If this gets reported and the children are interviewed there could be a chance that they are taken to safety. Another family member or even foster care. I am a social worker/nurse and I have seen this happen. It can take months for the mother to get her children back. Even if you aren't being the bully. They will be taken out of the home because of violence and until you are able to provide them with security. Don't let this get into the courts hands because it can be a long and drawn-out process. Wishing you the best.
The children are listening to more than you think they are? I was that child. I am that child.
Absolutely agree: You do not want Child Services involved. If you haven't dealt with them, you have no idea how bad it will get.
I grew up with an abusive father who would get drunk every night sometimes he would just go to bed but the other times he would get very abusive especially towards my mother he would be verbal and physical with his abuse. I said that to say this. For the sake of your children get out and for your own sake get out! From my experience with my father your husband may never change. You have to think about yourself and your kids! Do you work? Are you able to support yourself and your children? If you can then do it. You will never feel better about yourself until you get out of this situation. I am sorry I don’t mean to sound gruff but I am 63 years old and I still remember the hell my mother went through and not only her but my my brother and sisters and myself. You need to get help with your depression I understand the self help but you are in a bad place and you need professional help.
I do work. We have had separate accounts for years. I pay my bills and he pays his. He rarely gives me money to help with anything and he's always asking me for money. He makes more than I do. I just don't want to hurt my kids in all this. He threatens to take them and leave with them all the time.
Letting your kids see you living in an abusive relationship IS hurting them. What are they learning? And don't think they don't see what is going on, they do. I left a relationship that I had stayed in because of the daughter (she was my stepdaughter and I didn't want to lose her). One day at age 10 she turned to her father during dinner and said, "Why are you so mean to Kinlay?" I realized right then and there that all I was doing was teaching her that it was okay to stay. I told him that night that we were done. I lost her - but I believe I saved myself AND her, because growing up with that example would likely have scarred her and possibly led her to allow the same treatment one day. Losing her was a small price to pay for PROTECTING her. I know it's hard, but trust me, you will end up being glad you left!
My oldest cried to me saying she didn't want me and her dad divorcing and she'd be unhappy if we did.
Of course she did. Children hate change, and I'm sure she loves you both. But you are still setting an example for her, that it's okay to stay with a man who abuses you. Is that what you want her to learn and grow up around?
My stepdaughter came back with her Dad to visit (he was using her to try and get me back) and cried and said she didn't want to leave her house (she had lived here for almost three years half-time). But I told her she had to and that I knew she didn't understand but I hoped that one day she would - crying myself - because I knew it was for her good, and ultimately mine.
Doing the right thing is HARD. Leaving an abuser is HARD. That's what they count on and why so many of them get away with it. Please at least reach out to some of the numbers I gave you. Talk to professionals. Find out your options - even if you aren't ready to take advantage of them. At least know what is out there in case things get worse. I wish you all the best.
Please document every single threat he makes against you. Have your records somewhere he can't get at them. If he threatens to take your children, he may actually do it. Protect yourself -- and them -- by asking a domestic abuse advisor for advice.
I have been trying to keep pictures and record secretly but he has found pictures before in my laptop I didn't think he'd find. And lately he's been more of trying to check my phone, watch or continuously ask questions
Do not keep information anywhere he has access to it, for your protection and for your children's. Have it only at a family member's, a friend's, or at a lawyer's office, as soon as you are referred to one. Nothing in your home or car is safe from him.
Please, for your sake and that of your children get out of this toxic relationship. Seek legal assistance to get an attachment order so he continues to contribute to the financial welfare of your children. Leopards do not change their spots and such behaviour will deteriorate. Leave now before that behaviour contaminates your children.
Paying for a lawyer is expensive and I can not afford it. Nor afford a divorce. I've been supporting myself and my kids mostly for years and paying for that would break me
The legal support service may be able to help. Please call them.
You don't have to pay a lawyer. Domestic abuse professionals will put you in touch with a lawyer who does this without charging you.
Where do I go to find domestic abuse professionals? I've been doing a lot of research lately and I keep hitting dead ends on things.
Call the National Domestic Abuse hotline, and ask them for local information. I left you a link above.
Also call 211 and ask if there's a local woman's shelter. If not, ask what local resources there are.
Call the shelter if there is one, and ask them what local resources are available. They will know.
If you are still in an abusive relationship? If so, please get out and get help now!
This controlling, narcissist behaviour is not acceptable, for you , and especially your children - what lessons are they learning, my son is exactly the same, he is awful, all centered round alcohol and anger.
They don't change, in my opinion. You need to surround yourself with those love you - low self belief will heighten you depression and/or anxiety. Blessings
I have no one that supports me. I think everyone else is scared of change and the kids hurting.
As everyone else is saying, for the sake of your safety, and especially the children, find a way to get out. Your children don't deserve to grow up in that toxic environment, and you don't deserve it either. You deserve better! Get a protective order, pack a bag. He's not going to change. He only says he will to control you and keep you there. Contact shelters and churches, social service agencies to get help. Document the abuse, physical and emotional. Glad you're in therapy, but it doesn't work overnight. It takes time to work through issues. Please take the advice of everyone here and get out of the abusive relationship! I hope things work out for you. Please keep us posted.
I've tried getting out of the relationship multiple times. He doesn't take that as an answer. He was out of the house for 9 months and agreed we were both single and yet he treated the situation as he still owned me and in a relationship still.
So even when he was out of the house he was still controlling you. Obviously it's your decision what to do but think of your children and what they are hearing and being exposed to, not a healthy environment at all but a toxic one. And a toxic one for you as well. My opinion is you need to find a way to leave whether he takes that as an answer or not. Your life could be on the line if you stay, physically and mentally. You even admitted in your post things have gotten worse in the past 4 years. Is this the life you want for you and your children? Please reach out for help. You have already by posting here.
It is not the life I want or the life I want for my kids but I know they would hurt if their dad wasn't around. When my husband got physical and my oldest overheard it, I talked to afterwards and she could see I was hurting emotionally and physically she was scared. But she was crying asking if we were divorcing and said she'd be unhappy if we did and she didn't want us to. It broke my heart
My dear Penguin, there are a few things in live that don't change. One of those things is an abusive person. Please hear me on this subject. "Truism" - A leopard does not change his spots, just as an abusive person does not change his abusive tendencies. That characteristic only gets worse, NO MATTER WHAT that ABUSIVE PERSON tells you. I'm sorry for that, but that is a trait that only gets worse, and worse. Remove that person from your life immediately. I will pray for you. Take care of yourself.
I don't see much change. He keeps saying he's controlling his anger because at least he's not breaking things. He still yells so I have told him it's not controlled just tempered for now.
So sorry you are going through this. I think you have to protect yourself. You can seek for help from a trusted person. I wish you get help sooner.
LEAVE. This abusive behavior is not going to stop, and it WILL get worse. Once someone lays hands on you once in anger, they have crossed a line they can't uncross - and it is much easier for them to cross it again. And again. And again... Until it is too late.
I have been there. I left someone I loved who was an abusive alcoholic.. Even though it broke my heart, I still know it was the right and ONLY choice - as he was breaking me.
If you live with him, find a local women's shelter - there are a LOT out there. Two numbers to call to see if they can help:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Hotline: 1 (800) 799 – 7233
Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and online chat.
Womens Law
Email hotline: hotline.womenslaw.org/
The WomensLaw online helpline provides basic legal information, referrals, and emotional support for victims of abuse.
Find out if there are any resources in your area that may help.
Value yourself. Start taking steps ASAP. For your sake and especially for your mental and emotional health. Sending positive thoughts, hope and prayers for you to find your way out of this. <3
Good morning,
I am sorry to hear about your situation. You should start by getting out of that abusive relationship first and foremost! Replace that relationship with something positive like going to a support group and getting involved in church. Find a singles group and make some friends there.
You can walk and get and pass through the tough waters of depression if you really desire to. You just have to choose your attitude/ behaviors of wanting to be an overcomer. I remember a time that I delt with depression. I wish that I would have known that all those years back! Finally, someone came along side of me and said, ________, you can overcome your depression if you really want to! You just have to choose to want to do all that you can, and let the Lord know that you are unable to do certain circumstances. And then trust Him that He will work out the rest, but you have to do your part. When, I decided to change my attitude and behavior, and do what I needed to do to overcome the depression, I started noticing a change in my daily lifestyle. I am still a changed person enjoying each and every day.
Find things that you can be grateful and thankful for throughout your day every day, even if it is only one thing, today! God bless you! 
I can't say I even love him. I've told him years ago that I wasn't in love with him anymore and that I've checked out of the relationship emotionally. Thank you for praying for me
I’m truly sorry for your situation. Your husband sounds like a controlling narcissist. You know he’s never going to change right?
My feeling is this: If it were you and hubby alone … then sure, put up with it or get counseling etc etc etc … BUT you are a mom. Your children depend on you for their safety and security, physical, mental, and emotional. If you don’t protect them now, how are they going to respect you in the future?
I’d grab my kids and get out before someone gets hurt or killed, and never look back. That is your job! Don’t wait until it’s too late.
You can get a restraining order and worry about a divorce down the road.
Protect your kids and yourself first. That should be your No 1 priority.
I hope you make the right decision. Best of luck to you.
Are you able to get out of the relationship?
sorry to hear that you gotta get away some how but in the mean time to battle deppresion take some time to your self for a mentel break listen to music read a book watch some funny videos on YouTube or somthing. Hope this helps i will be prying for you💙
Hello,
As a therapist i would only ask you few questions and if you can answer it would help you :
* Why are you still in this relationship even after your husband is abusive? what is stopping you from not getting out of it?
* what do you think would better for you to give this relationship one more chance or walk out? look at your time spent with him as a whole and think about it
* what according to you are general traits required in a relationship? does your relationship do justice to those traits required?
For your depression it is very necessary you get clarity in your thoughts and accept the situation and work towards for your better that's when you will see the light of positivity in your life. You have gone through a lot right now so it is important you give time to therapist to help you or if you feel she is not good enough then see if you can reach someone else. But therapy would take time.
Fear. He threatens to take my kids, he forces himself to stay, I don't want my kids to hurt not having their dad around as much, last time my daughter overheard anything she cried and said she'd be unhappy with us divorcing and it broke my heart. I feel I would be better off without him honestly. I already financially support myself and my kids solely. He rarely gives me money to help out. I have been trying to feel better about myself and be better but everytime I start to feel good and feel improved he squashes that feeling and makes me feel broken.
I don't know anymore what traits I'd want. Just know I want better and he can't be better. I don't see it improving at all.
It all boils down to is I'm scared to hurt my kids hearts and be blamed for why we aren't a family anymore. I've put my kids first for years and stayed miserable for them to be happy and have their dad around .
I was married to an abusive man for 18 years. My only regret is that I didn’t have the courage to leave sooner. My children both have cptsd from growing up in that environment. You will have to leave while he is not there. My ex prevented me from leaving many times. I ended up leaving with one suitcase. My life greatly improved after
I really hope your okay and stay strong i know its easier said than done but your not alone is there family or close friends you can speak to maybe stay with them for abit to have a break and clear your head
Not what you're looking for?
You may also like...
Anyone experience deteriorating health due to not leaving the house and/or sitting a lot?
Due to depression (and to an extent, anxiety) it's gotten really difficult to accomplish things...
I NEED HELP
My physical appearance feels like it needs work, my mental ahealtg and thought process has hit...
Equal opportunity
Do you think someone with a mental illness should have the chance to be an elected official?
I really don't like myself
To preface I'm safe, just very sad.
I really don't like myself I haven't for a while. I've...
How to stop the Self mind games
i always have a feeling I know everything, i know what people are doing and thinking and that...
Related Posts
What to do when made feel worthless by own mother 
Stuck
Slowly losing faith again…
Tension headaches Moderation team
ADAATeamLisePartner
ADAATeamRachelPartner
