I need serious advice please!!!

[Brittmarie31]

Ok so I'm just going to be 100% completely honest on here but I'm going insane I've completely lost it and it's all my fault. Ok so I've been off my meds for almost 2 weeks and I have to take several for depression anxiety, bipolar disorder, adhd, skitzo affective disorder, dissociative identity disorder, and to top it off I'm an addict that WAS in recovery I went to rehab for 4 months and got out Oct 25th and I shit you hmm hmm hmmnot the very day I get out I relapse and I THOUGHT it would end at that one time but it NEVER stops at just one time once you feed the beast, now it did for a couple of days but my inner beast got thirsty for the drug, so I just had to drink from the fountain of Satan and now I've been on just as long of a binge as I have been off my meds. I'm sorry but mental illness out of control and drugs to self medicate with me just go hand in hand, TRUST ME I'm sitting here wishing I wasn't like this and what's it going to take for me to finally wake up and make a change that lasts. I hate the way I'm feeling right now trying to come off the drugs, dealing with all my demons, and going absolutely insane I just wish I had my meds and I REALLY WISH I wasn't an addict, let's just face facts shall we drugs just intensifies the craziness going on inside my head already and I always get asked " aren't you scared one of these days you WON'T come back cuz you pushed it to far with the drugs?" Well ya of course I am but when your an addict tangled up in your own web of self destruction you kinda just take the gamble feeling like you have no other choice, Satan yet again has me by the balls and I'm a woman I DON'T even have balls so ya it's that bad all over AGAIN! Only this time around(I've lost track of count in my life of how many times I've gone back to using) IT'S NOT going to last another 5 months I refuse to let that happen before I do anything about it, THIS TIME I'm ready to take action before it gets to out of control so here's what I'm thinking... there's a 28 day rehab program that deals with mental illness too at salt lake behavioral that I did back in June I'm thinking I should check myself back in there and try the program again but this time REALLY focus on me and my issues and see if it doesn't stick this time REALLY work my program. I think it takes a lot of courage inside me to go back into a program after a few weeks of getting out and admitting that I messed up, I have a problem all over again, and I need help I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE ESPECIALLY BEING OFF MY MEDS I seriously think that would end with a very ugly suicide to be on my own coming off drugs and unstable off meds. I've already just this week attempted to kill myself at least 3 times I can remember 2 of which I walked into traffic and one time I went to the bridge to jump off and there my mom was as my guardian angel (she killed herself in 2004 and yes I'm serious when I say I see her from time to time especially when I need her the most) telling me not to jump then swoosh as if a big gust of wind blew me right off the wall and back to the sidewalk(I know my mom pushed me call me crazy). I just DON'T want to feel this bad anymore please God help me, yes I suffer depressed episodes on meds but dang when I completely eliminate my anti depressant watch out world I'm a scary mess with suicidal thoughts every hour and just recently my paranoia and delusions have gotten so out of control they get the BEST of me then it's a ripple effect and kicks in my anxiety and then here we go with the panic attacks that make me even more depressed and you guessed it even more suicidal to the point that I just CAN'T stand myself ANYMORE ya it's definitely time to seek serious help!!! Thank you for your time and taking the time to read this it means a lot may God bless you and please if you have any feedback for me id love some outside point of views since my view is a little misguided at the moment!!!

[Mayte]

I do think that your mum is watching over you. Keep in mind

there is hope. Recovering from co-occurring disorders takes time, commitment, and courage. It may take months or even years but people with substance abuse and mental health problems can and do get better. Relapses are part of the recovery process. Don’t get too discouraged if you relapse. Slips and setbacks happen, but, with hard work, most people can recover from their relapses and move on with recovery. And your mum will be by your side to help you win this fight . All the best and keep on going.

[Justswimming]

My best friends husband just drank himself to death a month ago. So if you keep using and not taking meds you better start picking out a coffin. So I'm assuming you want to live so get into the longest program you can ..90 days would be best and take the medication that won't let you get high afterwards that's what you NEED to do if you want to live. You need to see yourself living playing socialing without using. I hope you have some support system. You need to visualize yourself being healthy after exercising eating healthy sleeping on schedule volunteer to help someone else embrace life ..only you can choose to do what you need to do. I hope you decide your worth it. Remember the mighty oak was once a small.but that stood its ground. We all have weaknesses don't let yours destroy you.You can do it. Don't worry about shame or guilt most people just care about themselves.

[mysmugcat]

People here have already said much of what I would say. Pm anytime. Take a deep breath. How can you help yourself now? It doesn't seem your time. Even your mum says so!

[deborah27]

yep, you said lots! slow it right down... a little step at a time. take it issue by issue, be as honest as you can be. to yourself I mean. you can reach out for support of course, but you really do have strength inside to climb out of this.

[Lostjoy]

Hang in there sweetie, you seem to know what you need to do. Stay strong and keep asking for support. You can do this, and overcome the struggles.

Wishing you lots of wellness.