Dealing with Narcisstic Mother and neighbours who longer speak

[Roukaya]

I used to be on this site and I now mentally I struggle with coping with a Mother who has come to visit until the end of January. I am an only child and remain unemployed and unmarried and I am trying tk regain employment since my caring duties to my Father ended in 2018.

I aim is to regain employment in a Legal Practice but I apply and preference is given to those who are younger and to those who are experienced.

My Mother starts with me every year and is 76 and has her responsibilities and when ever she stays I have to act as her carer and she is bad tempered and irritable .

The job search is important as I have not worked for many years and I am 54.

My neighbours no longer talk and last week we had no water for a week.

I have made a decision to sell up and move away but I can only sell my rental flat as from September.

I find having to cope with my Mother's mood swings , irritability to be too much at times and having to find employment a priority as I would like to find employment thus year .

[hypercat54]

Hi Roukaya haven't seen you for ages.

Still the same issues? I have said before and I will say it again - you don't have to have your mother to stay with you or you with her. Nor do you have to act as her carer either. Its your dutiful nature and this is what you need to be working on changing. Things will never change until you do.

I am sorry you still haven't achieved your work goal and I still hope you do, but sometimes its very comforting to try and attain the unattainable as it give you an out and a focus.

I still think you would be better off looking at other things you could do instead (or while you are waiting.) These might not give you the 100% satisfaction you are seeking, but several things giving you say 10% of what you want add up and surely 40% is far better than 0%?

I hope you understand what I am saying.

[Roukaya in reply to hypercat54]

I hope you are well.I would like to explain I have tried many alternatives for employment and I have not been successful.

I have tried apprenticeships in Politics and Property jobs but not a word.

So , I have tried changing my path but given a lack of experience, my age of 54 these make it harder .

I thank you for explaining I can do my best for my Mother but I am not responsible for my Mother and neither is my Mother responsible for me .

[hypercat54 in reply to Roukaya]

As you know I am in the UK too so I know how things work. Apprenticeships are for youngsters to teach them a trade or a profession. I have never heard of an apprentice older than 30 and not usually even then.

Regardless of your experience and knowledge the 2 big barriers against you are 1. Your age and 2. The fact you said you haven't worked for many years.

Its hard enough for anyone over 50 to get employment as most companies seem to want younger people. Without the haven't worked for many years bit too.

I found myself looking for a new job in my mid 50's and 60's and got absolutely nowhere. The Job Center kept sending us oldies on courses but none of them including me ever found a job. And we had mainly all had recent job experience too. I was skilled and very experienced in office work too. Some of the others also had lots of experience in their professions too.

That's why I think for the time being voluntary work would help as employers much prefer someone with more recent jobs even on that basis. One of the questions they love to ask is how have you used the time you have not been working. You need to have something to say there. I know you have the studying bit but work experience would only add to that.

Another thought as you have experience in the lettings business have you thought of trying for work at a letting agency? Or something related?

I wish you luck anyway.

[Roukaya in reply to hypercat54]

thank you for your reply.

I am due to complete a Diploma in Landlord and Tenant as well as Conveyancing by September and I am also applying for Housing and Housing related jobs by which I can apply transferable skills.

You speak from experience so thank you for your reply and I have to keep trying as I realise I need to work for my own mental health.

I hope you are well.

[Turnipgirl in reply to hypercat54]

Do you remember the old yts schemes from years ago that they had for the youngsters?

[hypercat54 in reply to Turnipgirl]

Ha ha yes I do. I actually went on one when I was 20. I learned to copy type there, but couldn't do shorthand no matter how hard I tried. The typing bit has stood me in very good stead as I worked doing that for years. In this age of computers it has been invaluable as can still rattle away at it.

Did you go on one too?

[Turnipgirl in reply to hypercat54]

No I didn't but some of my friends did!

My father reckoned that they were a con to reduce the youth unemployment statistics!

I did A levels at sixth form college.

[hypercat54 in reply to Turnipgirl]

I went to an all girls school and in my final year they did commerce to teach girls how to be typists and secretaries. It was back in the 60's though.

Their attitude was if you were really bright you trained to become a teacher. If on the 2nd level (like me) you went into office work. If not too bright then it was retail. And for the really thick it was factory work....

They were the choices then. No careers advice either.

I knew from an early age that I didn't want office work or any of the other options so didn't do commerce. I couldn't cope with school as my depression stopped me - the blackness and the 'day dreaming' which I was accused of. It was actually dissociation but of course I didn't recognise that at the time. People would ask me what I was dreaming about and I didn't have a clue what to say. It was just a formless place with grey fluffy clouds where I felt numb and in no pain. It was my only relief.

I was 15 in January and left the earliest possible date which was Easter. (The leaving date was changed to 16 the year after).

The funny thing is I did end up doing office work which I was ok at but never managed a career or anything.

Also back in the early 80's I went to Uni as part of encouraging people without formal qualifications and even got a grant. I did eventually get an Honours Degree in Social Science. I am proud of that.

Funny how things work out isn't it?

[Turnipgirl in reply to hypercat54]

I remember wanting to have left school at the Easter as I was 16 in the October but my father wouldn't let me!

I remember my friends parents saying how my father should respect my wishes!

I do remember careers lessons in the 4th year when they brought the Army in to do a careers talk and Nursing as well and in the magazines you sent coupons off to get information on various careers like nursing and teaching!

[Turnipgirl in reply to hypercat54]

Thing is no one HAS to visit anyone if they don't want to do they?

[Dolphin14]

Roukaya

You haven't been on in awhile. It's good to see you.

Seems like nothing has changed?? I'm sorry to read this

❤️🐬

[Roukaya in reply to Dolphin14]

I hope you are well.I did pass the Probate Diploma in September 2022 and I had extensive dental surgery in Jan 2023.

As I have said , I am trying with alternatives to Law but with little success .

My messages sound downbeat and depressing and no one can help me but myself but it us a question of finding a purpose and a path .

[Dolphin14 in reply to Roukaya]

It's good to post your concerns that's why the site is here.

You are right, we need a purpose. The path is all ours. We either do it or we don't.

Can you volunteer time with your legal background? Or do you need the hands on experience first?

[Roukaya in reply to Dolphin14]

Good afternoon I hope you are well.

I really need a paid job with the experience as I am hoping to sell a property I own and move away from this area as I am plagued my bad memories of my Father's life with his other woman.

Thank you for listening and how are you .

I will continue to try and try to find the break through job.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Roukaya]

I was just wondering if that would give purpose to your life now? Senior centers would gladly accept some help if you are qualified to do that. Just something that came to mind

I am doing well thank you

[Roukaya in reply to Dolphin14]

thanks for reply

I should look into this and learn to help others and thereby help myself

[Hidden]

Hi RoukayaWelcome back although I'm sad to read that nothing sounds like it has changed.

I know for myself that I have become stuck at various times in my life. I think you said previously you were looking into counselling to help.

[Roukaya in reply to Hidden]

Good afternoon I hope you are well.

I will continue to try for alternatives as well as law positions.

I realise competition is fierce and all I can do is continue to try.

I have tried CBT and different ways of being more positive.

It is a question of finding a role which can offer training and recognise my current skill set .

I think I am easily distracted as I often see my Father's other woman in town and she triggers many , many bad memories.

I hope you are ok

[Hidden in reply to Roukaya]

Hi again. Thanks for explaining and I'm pleased you are making some changes.My husband used to volunteer at Citizens Advice. Perhaps something to think about?

All the best Roukaya

[YoYom]

Are u afraid of confrontation? Are u running away?

[Roukaya in reply to YoYom]

I am not afraid of confrontation but where I live is full of bad memories and for this reason I am looking to move a away from a place which has caused immense pain and suffering

[b1b1b1]

I would point out Roukaya, that you do not have to act as a carer for your Mother when she visits, especially since she is bad tempered. You will have to learn to say "no."

[Roukaya in reply to b1b1b1]

Thanks for your reply.It would seem my Mother means we'll but can be volatile

[Turnipgirl in reply to b1b1b1]

With myself I stood up to my selfish mother back in 2019 and I'm glad I did as well after she criticised me for wanting to leave a job where I wasn't happy demanding I stay there and I refused and resigned anyway without saying anything!

Lately she has tried to guilt me into visiting but I refuse to do so as there's no point if all she does is upset me and I need to prioritise my own well being first and I'm not going to take being criticised as I deserve better!

In regard to me visiting I don't HAVE to visit anyone if I don't want to do I and there's not a thing she can do about it except whine and complain as she can't come out and get me and physically force me there can she?

[Turnipgirl]

You don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to do is my advice!

If you don't want to be a carer then don't do it!

[PurplePomeranian5]

Hi! New to this forum. I am not new to what you are dealing with. I had to unfortunately cut ties with my mother. We have not spoken in years. Well, it still is very hard on me and I cry and struggle with it; I had to look at the whole picture of my mental health. My mother brought constant negativity and triggered me. I wish you the best of luck. I am sorry you are struggling.

[Roukaya in reply to PurplePomeranian5]

Good evening I hope you are well.

Thank you for your insight and perception.

All I have is my Mother and she visits me once a year and I visit her once a year .

As a daughter of a Narcissist Mother I do my best but is never good enough.

When she is kind , she is very kind but can switch.

She is fasting and after she breaks the fast she becomes irritable .

I am applying for employment and I am even applying overseas as it would seem Hypercat makes many valid observations.

How are you?

[PurplePomeranian5]

Through therapy I found out that my mother had “narcissistic traits.” Examples such as gaslighting, always criticizing me, guilt trips etc. As far as my name that would be my dog and favorite color. I am happy you found a way to keep your relationship with your mom.

[Midori]

Hi Roukaya, Nice to see you back here again, I've had a bit of a rough time with Kiz lately, but I'm back if you want to call. The phone's been a bit iffy as well.

Cheers, Midori