Mother with narcissistic traits

[Crochet34]

I am new here and this is my first post. How do you cope with a mother who has narcissistic traits since she is not all that supportive with me? I sent my mother a letter through email months ago with boundaries because I felt she was putting me down on the phone, belittling me, and projecting other people on to me. This all started over some small thing because I did not call her because she got the vaccine. It was so stupid. I do not bother trying to connect with her anymore since she doesn't answer when I call or text her to check in with her. I do not bother anymore because I feel nervous and get a bad feeling in my stomach when I try to contact her. I spent a lot of time having anxiety and worrying since there has not been any kind of closure. Does anybody understand what I am going through? Any advice or support anyone?

[Roukaya]

HelloI have a very good idea that what ever we do are say it is never heard or validated

If you read some of my own previous posts it is to a Narcissist Mother and I am 52 trying to requalify but even now each and every time I try there is an issue which causes my life to stop and revolve around Mum

I live overseas and I worry about Mum but it really prevents me from managing my own life

It lives me lonely, anxious and vulnerable

[Isinatra]

When you say…closure. Do you want to cut ties with your mother?

[Marysblue]

There s a book I read years ago called Will I ever be good enough: Healing the daughters of narcissist mothers.

[Zimarra]

I have and am still living with one of these myself- so following this . So sorry you also have to deal with this hugs

[Hidden]

Very difficult for you Crochet. My Narc mother died some years ago and I'm eventually reaching some sort of peace - I'm still triggered by her lackey my sister the Golden Child but that's getting easier in time. I think you'll need to find a way to protect yourself as best as you can by educating yourself about Narcs - sounds like you are doing a good job with this, and generally building up your life especially with self esteem etc. Looking at your profile looks like you have a lot of positives going on so believe in yourself!

Narc behaviour is generally very predictable - if your mother contacts you it will be because she needs narc supply ie something going on in her life where she's losing control, and not about you. Sad to say. The biggest thing I have realised and learnt too late really is that I also have agency and control, it may not feel like it at the time or if/when she contacts you but you do have! My tip would be to practise and rehearse answers so she doesn't catch you off guard and you most certainly don't have to jump to her attention - just take your time to reply slowly and carefully in a way that sits comfortably with you.

You mentioned closure - do you mean resolution? I'm afraid this will be difficult to achieve with a Narc mother as they have their own agenda. I have grown up kids and the thought of falling out and then not sorting things would be mortifying and inconceivable to me - but we are not talking "normal" here (if I can call myself that!) From your side it sounds like you have done the best you can so try to be ok with that however unsettling the situation is. And I do understand about the anxiety. I've read that Narcs are undeveloped and are emotionally stuck at age 7 - I don't know if that applies to your mother but it certainly did to my mum. If I challenged her she couldn't answer then set about undermining me. Or said "I don't remember" or "You're too sensitive" and never once apologised or reflected on her horrible behaviour.

So take heart at least that you've been the bigger person, the adult and done the best you can in this situation. . All the best

[Midori]

If she is not replying to your calls or texts, then she is ghosting you. Ignore it and get on with living, she will call when she wants something.

If she becomes ill somebody will call you.

Try not to worry, you have set your boundaries and I will bet she is waiting for you to panic and either get down there or call one of her neighbours to check on her for you. This will effectively break the boundaries you have so carefully set, and you will fall back under her control.

Narcissitic folk Need to control people, by any means.

I had a narc husband, who controlled me by violence and belittling. Long story short, he lost his high status job, blamed me and the children for it, and when he started attacking the children, I left, got a restraining order, started divorce proceedings and when he realised he coudn't coerce me any more, he committed suicide.

I have never wanted another relationship!

Cheers, Midori

[Imstruggling1]

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Both my parents are like this but unfortunately when I had my nervous breakdown I ended up having to live with them. I’m still stuck with them and there is no such thing as boundaries with them. From the moment I open my eyes I’m immediately met with their criticism and belittling. I pray you are able to distance yourself from this type of treatment. Just remember you are not the one at fault and even though it’s an extremely difficult decision sometimes the best thing we can do for our own well-being is to cut these types of people out of our lives. What makes it even harder is when you have to do this with your own parents/family. There are so many supportive people you will meet on this site. Sometimes strangers are better than our own blood. Stay strong