Thinking of going back on Sertraline but my partner makes it seem like i’m being weak or lazy

[NEC_xx]

Hi,

So I first wrote on this forum 5 years ago when I suddenly had the worst Health Anxiety of my life and it felt totally out of the blue at the time. I had never experienced anything at all like it. I woke up one day with my muscles aching, feeling dizzy, felt like I was rocking on a boat or like sinking into the ground when walking. Ended up down a rabbit hole thinking I had MS, Parkinsons, some sort of disease that was going to kill me and leave my kids without a mum. I went through months of hell and being told it was anxiety and I didnt believe the doctors when they told me this. Eventually I had to try and accept it so I agreed to start taking 50mg of sertraline to see if it would stop the negative thoughts and the intrusive thoughts, constant worrying/crying etc.. AND it did. Sertraline literally saved me at this point in my life and I will never forget that. I was on them for 18 months and then I fell pregnant with my 3rd child just before Covid came around. I came off them as Sertraline can cause complications with baby during pregnancy. I was fine, my mood was steady and I was happy.

But lately I feel like my anxiety/depression is creeping up again. My mood is just down all the time, I feel miserable and fed up most days and on top of that I have that constant dreaded feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel that this could have been going on again for a year or 2 on and off but I am noticing more and more how much I just dont enjoy life most days at the moment. I feel teary and down. I love my kids so much but I dont really have a life outside of being their mum. I feel quite unfulfilled with my life at times and I dont get a minute from the every day life that comes with being a mum. I wouldnt change it but I think it wears me down at times. I just dread the days being the same, breakfast, school runs, cleaning up, school runs, dinners, football drop offs, football pick ups, cleaning up, washings… day in day out and thats pretty much all I do with my life. I am blessed to have 3 beautiful girls and they are my life.

Sometimes I lie and cant sleep and just cry at how much I love them and I have started having the negative thoughts again about how one day I will need to leave them. Im terrified of dying or of them dying and I know theres no escaping it and its something I just worry about it all the time. This was something that took over my mind 5 years ago when I had some sort if breakdown and I knew that I needed help and sertraline helped me.

I can just see the pattern now when I look back on the last year maybe.. me being snappy and angry and horrible to my partner.. then feeling guilty and crying.. constantly tired and full of dread. I cant seem to enjoy anything at all. I feel at my happiest when I am sitting with my partner and kids watching films, playing games, just spending time together but it doesnt last long before i’m thinking this wont last forever, the kids are getting older, your getting older, we are all gona die one day and my heart just pounds.

When I hear certain songs that remind me of the past when I was little I feel horrible and sad inside because I know now Im older and the years just fly by. I find myself asking “what is the point in anything if we are gona die?” Why work hard? Why decorate a house, why waste money on stupid things, but then why save money either? I jst feel like everything is so pointless. This is the way I felt 5 years ago along with the health anxiety etc.. I am just seeing it creep up this time rather than smacking me out of the blue uncontrollably.

Ive been saying to myself for a few weeks will I go back on sertraline? I mentioned it to my partner tonight and he is an arrogant as*hole at times.. he said “you seem fine to me, you should exercise it releases endorphins (which I am aware of.) Hes into watching all these inspirational talkers that tell you to exercise and think positive etc and that will cure you from anything. Ive told him before everyone is different. I was hitting the gym a few weeks ago for abt 4 weeks and I felt good the first few days then felt awful but I forced myself anyway. I went to the docs thinking I was dying and blood tests showed my iron levels were really low at 10.. was told if they drop to 7 I would need a transfusion so had to start on iron tablets asap and I stopped with the gym. I said to him you know I go to the gym and swimming etc on and off for periods but it never actually helps with my mood.. he said “you always seem happier to me.” I told him I’m not and sometimes things arent what they seem! I told him I hate talking to him about this stuff because I can tell with his attitude he disagrees and thinks its like a weakness if I take a pill to feel better.. he said “im not saying that but i do feel like, rather than exercising, because it makes you tired when you have to deal with the kids, youd rather jst take a pill because its easier.” I was just fuming at the whole convo.. this is the way he is like he didnt say anything to even make up for being such an as*hole.. he jst goes on to say more shit like you dont need a pill, I just think its a load of rubbish but if you feel like you want to then you should. Hes never really been good at thinking before he speaks hes brutally honest and so am I when it comes to things too but he just doesnt seem to understand when it comes to mental health. He thinks because when he was depressed at one time and exercised his way out of it that we all can. It got quite heated and he said “ive been a lot more depressed than you and didnt need a pill.” How much of an as*hole is he? Is it just me seriously? I said “what because I dont neglect my responsibilities and sit on the couch feeling sorry for myself it means you were more depressed? I power through big deal it doesnt mean i’m fine or you were MORE depressed!” I hate even telling him how I feel because I feel like it comes across as me being some sort of weak person or some sort of victim and thats not me. Anybody who knows me would say im a strong independent person. I just dont know.. Im doubting myself a bit. like is it me turning to anti depressants when I can shake it off maybe eventually? Or is he just a complete d*ck who should understand more n show a bit more support? I said to him “how do you know how Ive been feeling? Do you ask me how are you today? How has your day been? You know ive burst into tears at least 3 times over the past 3, 4 months and thats only the times you know about.” He said no ive not asked because normally im walking on egg shells.

I just need a bit of clarity and advice as im questioning myself a bit. Am i jumping the gun? Should I speak to the doc, should I wait it out and see how I feel?

Sorry its sooo long I just needed to get everything off my mind!

thanks!

[gajh]

I definitely think you should call your doctor. You are not weak or lazy if you go on meds. You don't have to suffer. You know how much it helped you before, it just might help you as much now. It is definitely worth a try. You can do both take the meds and go to the gym it doesn't have to be either or. I am sorry that your boyfriend is not supportive. Do you have any supportive people in your life? Have you thought about talking to a therapist? You can talk to your doctor about a therapist. Let your doctor advise you. You deserve support. I am glad you are reaching out here.

[SayNOtoPanic in reply to gajh]

I’m in full agreement with this response. You worded it so well gajh. NC_xx, Just to add, how you treat your mental health and what works for you is a personal choice. No one has the right to judge you if you choose medication or choose without medication. Not your friends family partner children NO ONE! I lift you in prayer and may you be guided to the decision that is best for you in helping you and being the best version of you. 🙏🏻 you’re not alone. Mental health is not a straight line. It flip flops and sometimes spikes randomly and setbacks etc. don’t be hard on yourself but do what makes you comfortable. If that’s the medicine talk to your doc about it. Hugs.

[NEC_xx in reply to SayNOtoPanic]

Thankyou. I am going to make an appointment tomorrow. Although today has felt like a better day but thats what happens.. I feel ok again and I put off seeing the doctor and then the bad days come along again. I need to see to it before it gets really out of hand like the last time where I felt like I was going insane. Thanks for your reply. X

[NEC_xx in reply to gajh]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I do. I have my mum and my brother to talk to and they understand and sympathise a bit more. I am going to make a docs appt tomorrow morning and just go over my options. I had CBT in the past along with the sertraline and just talking and offloading helped me so much. I am waiting for CBT just now as part of my compensation for a car crash that me and my daughter were in 3 years ago. It couldnt have come at a better time to be honest. Im just waiting to hear back. Although the crash was years ago - I do feel like this along with another few traumatic experiences could have built up and its now showing. Ive learned over the years that I can deal with stress at the time but its a while later like months or even years that it actually hits me bad. Because I dont actually deal with it - I think I just power through on auto pilot most days and then my body just has enough at some point. I feel like I am getting closer to the point every day at the moment.

[gajh in reply to NEC_xx]

I am so glad that you have your mum and brother. Your car crash could definitely be causing your troubles as well as the other traumatic experiences. It would be great to be able to talk to a therapist about those things. I am glad you will be able to get CBT once you get compensation. Let me know how your doctor appointment goes and if you decide on medication. It sounds like you are taking the steps to take care of yourself. Good for you.

[Midori]

Does your boyfriend help in the house or with the kids at all? He should be helping, even if it is just giving you a chance for a nap when you are exhausted.

Have you had your baby yet? Iron levels can drop with pregnancy as the baby will be taking it from your system, so Iron pills sound a great idea right now. Low Iron levels can be dangerous, even if it is just Simple Anaemia. I don't know if you are down because you have recently had the baby, (Hormones), but if you have then Sertraline would be good to try again, But check with the doctor as I'm not sure if it will get into your milk, if you are breastfeeding.

I hope you can get this sorted, he sounds rather intolerant, Please take care.

Cheers, Midori

[NEC_xx in reply to Midori]

Hi,

Sorry maybe I didnt explain clearly enough.. my youngest daughter is now 3 so I am not pregnant anymore. I am not sure where the low iron is coming from but that was a worry for me a few weeks ago as Ive had blood in my stool (sorry TMI maybe!) The doc called and asked me to go in asap and see him about my blood tests which sent me into a total panic as well but it was due to my iron being so low. He said I had to start on iron tabs asap but put it down to IBS and stress which he said is making me constipated. sorry thats a whole other issue! But my mood hasnt been right for a good while again.

He does help but not as much as I would like at times. I always do more, I always have the kids more, I cook more, I do school runs more. He takes them back and forth to football every day. We do share responsibilities but I do more. I dont see any extra effort to take any pressure off when I say Im not feeling good. I just feel un listened to and as thouggh hes not understanding me or the way Im feeling. We work too but he does work more hours. I work 2 or 3 days per week self employed cleaning.

I think he just assumes I am fine because he knows me as this strong person. I feel like he doesnt take it seriousl.. as though its no big deal and I will bounce back and be this strong person who holds the family together always. Hes used to me being that person so maybe he just doesnt understand I dont know.

I will phone the docs in the morning.

Thanks

[Midori in reply to NEC_xx]

In that case, I'm wondering if you might be approaching Menopause (don't worry about talking to me about the icky things, I used to be a nurse!) Hormones go wild at this time too, and if this is the case, (and you can start menopause early) you will need to start on supplements such as Vitamin D, in order to help protect you from Osteoporosis. A good mixed diet helps as well. Don't skip meals.

Cheers, Midori

[sue32]

Oh bless you. What an awful time for you. The worst thing anyone can say to you is 'pull yourself together '! Depression is a personal thing and no one reacts the same. I just feel your partner is a little cruel, considering he previously suffered from depression at one time. I have suffered with depression for many years; I don't even know how or why the darkness descended. But it did. I was first prescribed Prozac, which was horrendous for me. Then Citalopram, which was better, but I now take Sertraline and it seems to help more. I also came to realise that my personal life wasn't helping....my late husband was rather coercive and narcissistic. You need to be surrounded with love, happiness and fun. Be kind to yourself and go with your gut. You are in charge of your life. Good luck and God bless XX