Advice?help?

[Bird3]

So my son just turned a year old in July. He is my light, my love, etc. Im having a hard time staying happy, i guess.. I've always had this problem, but lately i dont know, ive felt like im drowning and i dont know whats going on. I used to smoke to help with my thoughts, but stopped when my son was born. Now i keep feeling like i want to do stuff that i quit before smoking. So now i drink evry night and feel like im turning into a alcholic. This should be a happy time despite everything life has throw at me. I dont know, im sorry.

[Hazel_eyes123]

I’m right there with you. Drinking eases the mind and let’s it rest. A lot more people have the same problem and we don’t realize it. Focus on your baby and you’ll make it through

[Bird3 in reply to Hazel_eyes123]

Thank you for responding. I hope we can all make it through this wonderful world of ours.

[Bird3 in reply to Hazel_eyes123]

Though i dont understand how i can focus more on my son, when thats all i do and two when all i can think about is how bad of a mom i am and that he'd be better off with out me. But then my mind starts thinking, my fiance/boyfriend/ guy cant take care of him the way he deserves, neither can his parents and my parents . I dont know. Please dont take offense i dont know what im doing anymore

[Hazel_eyes123 in reply to Bird3]

No offense taken. I know what you mean Bc when people tell me to focus on my daughter idk how more I can focus on here. She is my life. She’s my heartbeat but parenthood is rough. No one wants to say their a bad parent but we all have that thought. I know I could have done more for my baby. I know she deserves more from me. I’ll tell you what I tell my sister with 4 kids when she says she’s drowning and feels like she can’t go on. You’re a strong mommy. You can do this. God gave you that baby bc you were supposed to be their hero. You can do this mommy. You have to stay strong for them. Children grow from their parents experiences. That’s why I would never let my daughter know what I go through. Bc I want her to grow up knowing she can do anything in this world bc I never gave up. Bc I’m that single mommy who gave her all even if it wasn’t enough. Be your babies inspiration. I know it’s tough. I know life gets in the way but as long as you’re doing your best and your child knows you love them that’s all you can do

[Hazel_eyes123 in reply to Hazel_eyes123]

And I know what you mean by no one can take care of him like you. My babies dads mom takes care of mine and some of the stuff she raises my daughter by I don’t agree with but I know I’m the end she’s in a stable environment and she’s loved. By me and all her family. I have taken the statement “ put your child first befor your own needs” to heart. I hurt without her but it’s for her own good and future

[Hidden in reply to Bird3]

I had post partum depression after the birth of my son but wasn’t diagnosed until 7 months after I had him.

It’s a drag.

I was put on antidepressants, sleep medication and anti anxiety pills and I took every single one of them because I was an insomniac and I thought for sure I was going to die soon and the thought of leaving my son alone in this world freaked me out.

It still freaks me out and he’s 10 now.

I don’t take any of the meds anymore although I do smoke a weed now and then.

I used to smoke A LOT more but I moved away from a place where it was legal and now live where it is criminalized.

I’m also on hormone therapy and I take Kava and CBD oil.

I’m a crafty person so on the good days I try to find things that keep my hands busy to keep my brain focused and less likely to wander into the dark places.

I also dance and hula hoop when I’m feeling it.

Currently I’m working on ragdolls.

Idk it’s tough.

I don’t have a support system, this website is the closest I’ve gotten to real support and I just got on here like 2 days ago.

I’ve been dealing with this since I was 11 and I guess I have a really strong will and determination to fight now because I have a little boy who needs me.

Enjoy your baby, you will see how strong you are and how much better you become as time goes on but if you need to get some meds to help you along the way, get some.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s sometimes necessary.

[AZ1970]

Have you spoken to your doctor about this? Post partum depression is common. Perhaps it has triggered a more intense depressive episode for you. It sounds like you are self medicating. Please reach out and get help. You and your son deserve for you to feel your best.

[Bird3 in reply to AZ1970]

I don't have a doctor, obgyn thats it and i passed all the post patrtum "test", but i may have lied on some. Im not sure, they stopped doing them a while ago and ive never thought about harming my son, just myself. I dont know what to do, i dont know im sorry. Thank you for responding.

[AZ1970 in reply to Bird3]

You don't need to say you are sorry. Post-partum depression doesn't mean you want to hurt your child. You sound like a very loving mom. If you want to hurt yourself though, you need to get help. Even if you reach out to your ob-gyn, that is a good start. You don't have to feel this way. There is help.

[Bird3 in reply to AZ1970]

I dont want to feel this way, ive never been able to shake these thoughts and i thought maybe once my son was born id be able to for him, but now a year in ive slipped 3 times and just feel even more horrible for doing this to him. I dont know, wont they just take him away from me? Hearing i have these thoughts? I cant lose him, i cant.

[Bird3 in reply to AZ1970]

Im scared to talk to anyone that can see my face and knows my name.

[AZ1970 in reply to Bird3]

No, they won't take your son away from you for having depression. As long as there is no abuse or neglect of your son, there is nothing to be worried about. Getting help is the most loving thing you can do for your son. He needs you to be at your best. Keep reaching out. We are here for you.

[Sandyxoxx in reply to AZ1970]

My daughter was 3mons old when I left my husband for the fisrt time ,yes it was hard ,but she's now a adult !!

[Rpan]

It sounds like these thoughts are just anxiety. We can drive ourselves nuts with these thoughts. It’s perfectly normal to have anxiety, as a new mother and wife.You have allot of responsibility. I can’t drink, if I have more than two drinks I feel worse. I know many others who feel terrible when they drink often. Maybe it’s the alcohol,that’s an easy fix. There are so many ways to ease anxiety, it just takes vigilance and a constant routine. For some faith is the only answer that need.

[Hidden]

What kind of stuff do you want to do that you stopped before quitting?

[growingrace]

have you thought about seeking therapy? I see you want to find out why these thoughts are lingering longer than it should, but perhaps with therapy it may help you how to get to feel better. I am rooting for you