I am struggling to find any motivation in life. I just do the bare necessities and try sleep away all the pain and despair I feel. I feel like my life is ruined and its hard for me to feel motivated to want to live it any more. I dont want to wash, eat, go out, work or do anything. I just want to stare in to space or sleep or do something obsessive so I dont have to think. Maybe its a choice, I dont know. Its hard to say when Ive been suicidal all my life. Im not suicidal right now, I am just disinterested. This is the truth. Im sorry if this gets anyone down. Maybe I have got it all wrong. Maybe I need to change. But Im not motivated. i see it all as going through the motions and just surviving and I dont want to live like that. It feels disingenuine to me. If I live I want to live with passion and happiness and vibrancy but I dont feel thats something I am able to have. But maybe I can. Maybe things can change for me if I keep trying. I hope so. I hope little steps can lead to big changes otherwise there is no point. Writing this makes me feel tearful 😕
I think by my nature I am very all or nothing. I used to feel I had everything to fight for. But for a few years now Ive felt very different.
....I am grateful I can write here and express how I feel. It helps me understand myself and how I think better. I am very all or nothing. Maybe I have it all wrong.
Written by
Brokenbeardedbear
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Nope... we've all felt what you are going through. You are not alone. Depression is the #1 most debilitating disorder on the planet. We all have isolating tendencies and we feel like we're completely alone, but it's just the SYMPTOMS of our dis-ease talking to us in damaging ways.I listen to Dennis Simsek, The Anxiety Guy on YouTube every day. His teachings about anxiety have been revolutionary for me in the last 4 months.
I've spent $7700 out of pocket for TMS depression, anxiety and motivation treatment this year for the first time. Its been the best decision of my life!!! Its SAVED ME FROM ME!!! Im 48 and have suffered my ENTIRE LIFE without proper medical intervention until I was so suicidal in Jan it was my last hope before checking in to the hospital for in patient psychological treatment. I refuse to take antidepressants due to the horrible side effects. So Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation and 2 Ketamine infusions was the last step or I wouldn't still be here.
Keep talking to people here. It helps. Do a little reading about treatment resistant depression and anxiety. It will help you understand what your body and brain are experiencing. The anxiety guy is a great way to start. Just turn on a podcast and listen while staring into space...I did exactly that. It was like an emotional damn breaking...love to you today. Be strong ❤️🩹
I also want to hear about TMS and Ketamine. My insurance doesn't cover them. I can't private pay. This was the obstacle and I think my psychiatrist would have approved. His practice has both.
Hi guys. I'd be happy to help you understand TMS a little better. There are several types of TMS. I did Theta Burst TMS. My treatment appointments were 15-20 mins per session/5 days a week. A full series of TMS is 36 sessions. I was in treatment for 9 weeks between Feb 14 until April 13, 2022. It is a major time and financial commitment. I did my appointments on the way to work. Totally noninvasive with no recovery or down time. 100% the BEST DECISION I'VE EVER MADE....if you can call it a decision, cuz I really truly had no choice. I was going to end my life if I didn't get help.
The day in January that Ms USA Cheslie Kryst jumped to her death in NYC from her condo balcony after posting "may this day bring you rest and peace", was my D-Day.
Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation is essentially a magnet, like an MRI machine, that when applied to different areas of the skull, 🧲 magnetic pulses penetrate and "stimulate" or "inhibit" the areas of the 🧠 brain that control motivation, depression and anxiety.
One pulse on the left side for 3 mins, like in the picture, calms the anxious part. A second pulse, on the right side for 1-3 mins, wakes up the depressed/low functioning part that causes depression and a third pulse for 30-60 seconds, directly over the forehead, activates the motivational area to get you moving again. 3 different pulses for 3 different conditions. Its 100% non invasive but costs $150 per session, all out of pocket.
There is also accellerated TMS. Here you only go for 5 days. But you're essentially doing 6-7 weeks of treatment during this time. You are in the office 8 hours per day with 6 sessions per day in 50 min increments.
The third option is the original TMS treatment. Its 30-40 mins per session but its over 6-7 weeks of 36 appointments. Both these options do not address anxiety or motivation like the Theta Burst TMS option I experienced.
Ketamine infusions are an intensely awesome experience. I've used psychedelics for a long time. Med marajuana is legal in NV and I use it daily to mitigate nerve damage and back/spine pain. CBD products and magic mushrooms are also on my list of chosen therapeutic options, although I haven't used either since May. I have a spinal cord stimulator implant cuz I can't tolerate painkillers. I have no gallbladder and gastric upset is a constant problem if I don't watch my diet.
Anyhoo... Ketamine infusions were the reason I contacted my TMS clinic in the first place. I received 2 infusions the second week of Feb. The dissociative feeling of the room morphing and the walls moving was intense. But all the while I was holding a totally cognitive conversation with my clinician, it was an incredible hour. Time stands still. The second infusion I put on music with earbuds and an eye blackout mask. I cried, more like wept, through that session. The emotional response was beyond anything I can explain. I felt like I'd left this world and my body, for awhile. Unfortunately I had some lingering side effects of lethargy and extreme fatigue after the second infusion and that's when my clinician suggested switching modes of treatment from receiving additional infusions to Theta Burst TMS. She has seen many patients with our disorder and knew this would be the best option to address my set of problems. I threw caution to the 🌬️ wind and took a leap of faith in her suggestion and I cannot stress enough how much this has changed my life. I've even relapsed and had to return in September for 3 more weeks of 11 maintenance sessions because I suffered a setback with additional health problems that plunged me into the fastest spiral into depression I'd ever experienced in Aug. But here I am, back on my feet and making INCREDIBLE PROGRESS in my mental health journey.
I don't regret having the Ketamine infusion experience as it increases neuroplasticity and kind of "primes" the brain to receive TMS sessions more rapidly.
Hope this helps. If you have any other questions please ask!!!
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I did TMS. It seemed to work ok in the beginning. About a month after my 6-week treatment of TMS, I went right back to the depressed hole I have always been in. I'm 44 years old and have had severe depression and anxiety since I was 13. I'm also autistic and highly sensitive to certain things. I'm right where the OP is. I'm in a very bad place and have given up on everything and just existing now. I rarely ever post comments, but this thread really hit home and thought I would throw myself out there. I'm happy to hear that TMS has had a great effect on you.
I'm 48 so we're in the same ballpark age wise. I never expected TMS to be the end all cure all. Depression is a lifetime of trial and error. The 2 things I was skeptical about was how long TMS would last and would It continue to be effective in later depression episodes. Both my fears were laid to rest after my maintenance sessions in September, but it comes with a hefty financial cost at $150 per appointment. Im glad to meet you and I hope to see you more often. I am available ALL THE TIME. I am on here embarrassingly a lot. Please reach out WHEN EVER YOU NEED a shoulder to cry on. ❤️
His TGirl007, I'm really sorry to hear you have been struggling so much. I'm really glad you felt like you could express yourself here. I hope it helps. If you feel able please keep contributing anything you feel or think as it may help you to process things. Thank you for being on here and sharing your experiences. I really hope you find support and comfort on here and in your personal life. 🌻
I have had success with TMS. I had my 3rd round almost a year ago and so far so good. My first 2 rounds each lasted only 6 months and my 2nd one literally saved my life. I hope you find the right treatment and start an upward swing...
This was an interesting post. It got me thinking how emotional experiences in life can have a physical impact on the brain. Its such a complex area. I'm glad TMS worked for you and I'm sorry about your experiences growing up. You deserve to move on and lead a happy life. Thank you for sharing all you have.
Nice to see someone else who had success with TMS. I've had 3 rounds; the first two lasted about 6 months each and my last one so far has lasted a year. It saved my life as well. I was fortunate that my Medicare covered it all. I was on so many different meds over the course of about 33 years, some worked great for a while but I became treatment resistant. It feels great to be off meds, except for the occasional Ativan. I am 67.
Good to finally meet someone after 7 months of being on HU that has had the same results as I have!!! I was wondering how long it would take for another TRD person to come forward with similar outcomes. I've suffered depression and anxiety since early childhood. It took until 48 for me to get help sufficient to put my disorders in full remission. I never thought that was a possibility. Im not delusional about it being a cure, as I've already relapsed. But I know that this wonderful therapy is effective and available to me whenever I need it in the future. The financial burden is the biggest obstacle. $7700 is a lot of money, but I can't put a price on my LIFE. So at least there is hope where formerly there was only despair and suffering.
My first full series ended mid April, less than 36 hours before I underwent a two level cervical fusion in my neck. It wasn't exactly planned that way, it just happened to work out perfectly. I returned to work July 1. Soon after I tore the labrum in my hip and that injury thrust me back into diagnosis, MRI imaging and physical therapy that I will complete later this week. Hopefully I'll be able to avoid my 8th surgery in less than 6 yrs. I've had 4 spine, both rotator cuffs repaired and my gallbladder removed since oct 2016. Its been 1 medical nightmare right after another, nonstop. Its no wonder I was suicidal and needed major help. Thanks for letting me know about your success. Please let me know more about your experience if you have any other insights ❤️
I can certainly sympathize with the health issues!! 2016 had an L2L3 laminectomy and was going to go back to work but decided against it since that's what cause my spine issues to begin with. I was an Occupational Therapist and still had L4L5 issues but up until last year didn't bother me. Was going to have another spine surgery last year but due to a depressive episode had to cancel. Rescheduled for this past August but due to major gut issues again had to cancel. 2019 had an appendectomy. In February I fell and broke my hip and had a hip replacement. It threw off my gait and aggravated my back so now I have leg and back pain. With the gut issue, which is difficult to treat I feel like crap most days and if it weren't for TMS right now I would be back in a deep hole... Can't get in to see my GI doc again until 12/21!!!! I really want to feel good so I can get my back taken care of and move forward with life. At this point I can't do much of anything... I get so frustrated! Plus my sleep has been absolutely awful. Luckily my therapist helps me keep my head above water. I 've depression and anxiety since my teens stemming from being sexually abused by my brother at 7, but didn't start meds until 1987. Keep in touch!
O my...our stories read like we're sisters!! I was sexually abused by my neighbor from age 3 to about 4th grade. Our childhood trauma thrust mental health distress on us with horrible life impacting results.My job, of nearly 29 years, has also broken my body down. Im a casino dealer and that's like a repetitive movements nightmare. Degenerative disc disease. Fused L4/5 and C4/5 5/6. Spinal Cord Stimulator implant. Both rotator cuffs. My gallbladder was failing during the height of the pandemic. Testing took nearly a year to figure out what was happening. I couldn't eat dry toast or water without Severe gastric distress and no sleep as the attacks were unrelenting. I had it removed Aug 2021. As soon as I got back to work in September, my neck failed. Went thru 3 months of phys therapy and imaging and PT to satisfy insurance requirements and had neck fusion 8 months after gallbladder removed. As soon as I got back to work from the neck fusion I tore the labrum in my left hip. Couldn't walk or sit down by the end of Aug. 3 more wks of TMS in September and PT with steriod injection in hip and here I am. I'll finish hip PT this week and follow up with Dr Nov 14. Hopefully the shot and strengthening the musculature around the hip will buy me some time cuz I'm fighting HR right now so I don't lose my medical insurance Jan 1 for the first 6 months of next year. Its a nightmare I just can't seem to wake up from.
I understand your frustrations on every single level, my friend. Please keep in touch. I'd love to hear more from you 💖
Yes!! Similar stories... I really hope you don't lose your insurance! I had called HR the Friday before the Monday I was to return to work after back surgery. I agonized for days whether or not to go back. I told them 'I'm not coming back Monday'. They asked when I was. I said I wasn't. Had to deal with them for insurance. Think I got COBRA for a bit, can't remember. Yes, let's keep in touch ❣️ Feel free to PM me❗
I will definitely PM you. The people I've met on HU are amazing. Thanks for being so forthcoming and honest. Im shamefully shameless here. You can ask me ANYTHING...& I'll definitely over share, just a warning ⚠️😊🤭have a great night. Im almost done working, it's my Fri and I'm off in an hour. Hopefully tomorrow will be my last PT day. I plan on starting pilates once I get cleared from my Dr. This hip problem has exposed some definite weaknesses in my balance, core and lower body strength. I have to get that fixed before I turn 50. 🤞Talk soon 💕
Ulgh... found out Tuesday we're going to have to move by end of February. The people we rent from are selling this house. Still fighting HR about my med/dental insurance coverage. My anxiety is running 🔥 hot and creeping higher. My husband is bedridden and overwhelmed by the prospect of being homeless. We both have anxiety problems 🤦We also have 2 dogs that are breed restricted in most rental companies. We're friends with the owners of this place and rent directly from them. Did not see this coming and it's thrown me for a loop. Damn it...I need a break.😡
Am so sorry to hear about your housing issues 🙁. I hope you and your husband are able to find another place before your lease is up! Any ability to buy the house? Is your husband ill? You do need a break❗ Nothing new here.. Thinking of you!!
This 1500 sq ft house in our neighborhood, that we walk our dogs by everyday, was listed for $500,000 at the end of July. It just sold nov2 for $465k and it was built 25 years ago!!New 1500 sq ft single story homes in a nearby development that are still building are $473-509,000. With interest rates at 7% there's no way we can buy. We have no down payment, so it's not even feasible. Renting is the only option.
Hi there! Was reading our past conversation and wondering how you're doing. Have you found a place to move to?? What's the status on your insurance? How are you feeling??? Would love to know how you're doing. Thinking of you 🤗
🤗 happy holidays 🎄Lost insurance. Signed up for coverage yesterday for the 6 months while I'll be waiting for reinstatement. Still no resolution on the housing situation 😕 hopefully we'll make headway in January. We've been told that in order to stay here another year it will cost $2200/month. I just can't fathom that. I'd rather move....but we'll see what the rental availability is like in our neighborhood. There may not be anything that will accept our 2 dogs.🤞
My 14 yr old dog had 2 seizures on Sun/Mon and we're worried he may not have that much longer to live. He is my very first dog and we got him at 7.5 weeks old. He's still going for his walks, though. It's his favorite thing. As long as he wants to go, I won't be missing any of these special outings. I realize he's probably had his last birthday and that is a HUGE reality check 😭
Overall I'm doing well. But I'm concerned about how losing my boy is gonna trigger me. He's my "once in a lifetime" dog. We lost his sister, Haven, almost 2 years ago, Feb 5. But this guy is special beyond measure.💝
Sorry to hear about all that's going on.. glad you will have coverage before reinstatement. Hope you're able to find reasonable housing! Can't believe how much housing(rent or buy) has skyrocketed! Don't know how many can afford it. And last, but not least, I'm so sorry about Smokey. It's so difficult dealing with an aging furbaby. My one cat I have left is 17; so far she doing ok but I still worry.
You're welcome, Mr bear🧸💖 if you need to vent about anything, we're always here to lend support and guidance if you're struggling. Please reach out anytime 💕
All or nothing puts A LOT of pressure on yourself. The world is not only black and white but many shades of grey. Learning to live with a mental illness is difficult but it can be done. Do you have a therapist you talk to? I have one who specializes in CBT and when I felt as you do (and I have!) it helped. I am sending you hugs and a good night’s rest
Thank you for your kindness. I'm in Cornwall England and isn't easy to get a therapist on NHS. I have had therapy though and like you I have found it helpful
I am glad you have found this outlet to get out of your own head a little. It can be a terrible place to live. I often feel a little better after posting here, it is a good way to get a handle on our thoughts. A little comiserating helps too! Managing poor mental health is like most other long term goals: its a long process that slowly builds on its own succeses. However small your victories are, you have to carry them forward. Its hard to maintain perspective, but celebrate the progress you have made and use it to fuel more. When you can't, just remember we've got you. Some days are worse than others and sometimes we just need support and that's perfectly ok. You are strong, you deserve happiness and you are never alone. Sending courage and peace.
l am very sad that you are in your dark place l know it well just a possible bit of help l was diagnosed with hypothyroidism some years ago and now have the treatment in place it has changed my life and my mental state completely for the better so it may be worth a try to get a thyroid function test but please first look at the thyroid site on here for more information
Hi Fleure, thank you for this suggestion. I never thought of the thyroid affecting mental health before. Its something to consider. Im really happy for you that you found treatment and has changed your mental state completely. That is encouraging. 🙂
Not a good place to be in Brokenbeardbear, I understand that solitary place though, been there. Managed to get away, and have never looked back. You can do it too, you just have to want to do it. By sleeping away all the pain and despair you are only delaying the inevitable, you are actually filing it all away for another time, and it will come back and haunt you all over again, then you will be in a worse place. When we lock hurt away we are trying to stop more hurt getting in, what we realise is the hurt inside cannot get out. Food for thought! Take some time firstly to learn to love yourself, and to like yourself, for me it was hard to do this, but with perseverance and patience you can come through, stronger, healthier, wiser. It pleases me you are not in a suicidal place at the moment, although - I have not been in that particular place I know many who have, and some who have taken their lives. Great sadness there and such a waste of life. Try and focus on what could be for you. Turn your negatives into positives and learn from the experiences. One day you may be called on to help others and your 'bad' experiences will be the tools you will use to help them. One step at a time, one day at a time! You didn't ask the question, 'Do I need to change', but you did say, 'Maybe I need to change.' We all need to change our attitudes, way of life, outlook on life. This is our own choice. You are now 37 years of age, just a young pup compared to others, with life expectancy becoming longer with each generation ask yourself, 'Do I want to be 'just surviving' in 40 or 50 years time, or do I want a long and happy life, full of love, friends, family, achievement? It is your choice how you answer, Being happy is NOT a result, but a choice. You won't be happy until YOU make that choice! Choose well, only you can bring yourself out of the mire you are in. You have many friends on this forum, who all want to help you and walk the journey with you. I don't know what your religious belief is, I am a Christian Minister who came through my trauma and cr-p with the help of an unseen God, He helped me, and wants to help others too, you also have the choice for help.
you expressed yourself so well it practically resembles the way i feel and live. it's great that you can put it down in writing, this i am unable to do, hence short messages. like you, i just barely survive, but for some unknown reason i'm still here as are you. thank you for sharing and sending some strength (sorry it's a little low)
Thank you for your kind message and helping me see Im not alone. Sending strength to you too. I really hope things improve for you. I believe it can. Please keep trying to post how you feel even though it may feel like you cant express yourself as its not true. You did a great job at expressing how you feel just in these few words you sent me. Share as much or as little as you need. I too have been finding expressing myself very difficult, and I am surprised others understand what I say and can feel similarly. This in itself is comforting despite the fact it took so much courage for me to open up. You have already expressed yourself and helped me and at least 2 other people who liked your comment. So keep doing it as and when you need to.
Small steps day by day can help but try not to worry too much about where your at. Life is a struggle at times and you aren't alone in that belive me. All you can do is try just one small thing like reading a book or going for a short walk or listening to ur favourite music 🎶 we are all here to listen
Glad you reached out on here! You are definitely not alone!! Many of us here have been or are where you are now. Do you have a therapist or psychiatrist or someone you can reach out to? Are you on any medication? I hope you can find the support you need.
Hi bethelbee, Im sorry for the late reply to you. I appreciate your kindness and encouragement. It means alot. No, I don't have a therapist at the moment but I will consider it. I have had therapy before though, but wish I could have someone to talk to on a more long term basis - like a long term life coach/ therapist maybe. And no, Im not on medication. The thought of taking medication scares me and makes me nervous.
Thank you all for your kind responses, I really appreciate them. I'm sorry I've not been able to get back to everyone but I am overwhelmed with gratitude for your support. I have been reading through the responses and trying to process them. I will keep reading them as they are encouraging thank you 😊
Reading this makes me feel like I could've written it. I've been there a lot. I get it. I actually told my therapist recently that I am taking life a day at a time right now. I'm not up and I'm not down... I'm in a routine and just going with it best I can. She told me that's the best any of us can do. Sometimes I feel out of place. I can be in a crowd of people and still feel alone. I'm not alone, though. Depression whispers things to us that makes us believe things. I have come to terms with that. I feel that writing helps. I started using Penzu online to help keep track of my thoughts. It's been helping because it helps me understand where I'm at. I can see my highs and my lows and start to understand what my triggers are. Coming here is helpful as well. I'm glad you are feeling open to doing this.
Taking life one day at a time is a good idea. Your therapist sounds very compassionate and understanding to say that we can only do our best with our circumstances. Im glad Penzu helps. Ive never heard of that. I would like to use something to track my mood as it can be hard to do.
Thank you. It has taken me a very long time to find a therapist who I mesh so well with.Penzu is an online, password-protected journal. I've been using it for a few years now. I love that I can add pictures to my entries, so I often find myself including quotes that relate to me in those moments.
There are apps you can dl that are used for mood tracking. I tried them before, but sometimes I prefer to include my triggers and explanations, so, Penzu works best for me.
I hope you find something that helps! And remember, one day at a time❤️
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
xx
i do not want to be a mom. 
What is wrong with me that I feel I dont deserve to show myself any self respect?! I feel guilty/wrong for doing it. I think I need help 😕
Please help
9 and a bit months without cutting,24lbs down.
