Can anyone give me advice or information to look please? Self abuse/masterbating (Trigger warning - apparent childhood sexual abuse)

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

If anyone has any articles i can look at online to help me i would appreciate it?

When i get really low + overwelmed I have a tenduncy to masterbate to self sooth me. This, in turn, leads to intense shame and paralysis. When i was a child of 9ish I was sexualy minded and had sexual experienses with an adult - i dont know witch came first.... My sexuality or what hapened with my uncle so its hard to understand if i was abused or a willing participunt or not?!? From then ive always associatud my self plesure as shameful even tho ive found it so addictive and used it to cope with pain ever since i was a child. When ive done it, i get so low that i feel i cant motivate myself without help + support from others (indirect support, i dont tell them about how masterbation triggurs me). When it happuns, i dont work or go out or do anythin. I often call in sick as I feel so wurthless inside and feel i cant be around anyone dew to feeling so shameful inside 😔. For instance, these past 3 days ive done nothing all becos I saw a woman at the pool i fought wus goodlookn and at night 3 days ago i masturbated. It set off a deep depression. I dont use pornography. I dont like it. Instead, its just my imagination that i use i.e. a good looking woman in a film i saw etc. But the resulting shame/guilt can feel so intense and powerful. The shame just leeds to a grater desire for more sexual comfort and i can feel so traped in a cycle of 'self abuse' and self loathing. Im young (23) and never had sex, but the shame of masturbating is ruining my life. I dont work, have friends, exercise or go out all becos I feel so.ashamed.😞😞😞 Do u understand? Pleese help?

[Sunnidayz1]

You are young so go and get the help you need. Theres no shame in getting professional help. Just go. If u were abused as a child u need to get the help. Abuse changes the brain and not in a good way. You need to heal from the abuse. I hope you told someone about the abuse. Your uncle is a monster for doing that to you. It is criminal and it wasnt your fault.

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to Sunnidayz1]

Yes, i told someone and went to counselling/therapy. I had to first deal with my shame of having emotiona as my dad beat them out of me alot as a kid and made me feel im not allowed to feel nething. My therapist said I have to spend some time with a break from therapy now to apply the things I learnt i.e learning to reach out to friends etc. It helped alot. But my therapist acknowledged in time (a few months) I may well need to come back. In the meantime, I just wanted to read more to just try to understand myself. Do you know of anything? I want to know why i feel so much shame.

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

Thank you for replying to me btw.

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

Yes shame is embarrassment. You probably feel embarrassed that this happened. It's an emotion. It makes sense that youd feel embarrassed. However, it is not wrong to feel shame. Honor your emotions. Validate that you have them. Being aware of the emotions is the first step towards healing. It's said that a person experiences one form of trauma once in their lifetime. At least one. You were a victim. You were not the criminal. Do not put the blame on yourself.

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to Sunnidayz1]

Does that shame apply to masterbating too? Or dont you know? That seems to be the triggur to me getin so low. When I dont do it im happier. But its been so adictive and sumthing Ive relied upon for years. I dont think its helthy to rely on but i dont think i shud feel so much shame either? But maybe i should feel it too? Idk 🤔😔

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

No it's not healthy

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to Sunnidayz1]

i agree its not helthy. i said that, so your reply was a little insensitive as theres no need to rub salt in the wounds by telling me sumthing is rong when i already no it is rong. Its ok tho, all is forgiven 😊

i suppose my question was mor abowt the reaction to masturbating. I dont want to do it AT ALL as i personally dnt fink its good for a person's mind. But Ive struggled so long. it just doesnt seem fair that if i have a moment of weakness that my life will totally spiral out of control due to feeling so much paralysing shame. i get that its natural our conscience is affected but it seems like my conscience is TOO severe. Is this normal? I get thst things are bad for us but surely it is unhealthy to beat ourselves up TOO badly too. I mean afterwards i dont want to live and a dark.clowd overwhelms me as i feel so much self hatred. That seems counterproductive. It seems there needs to be sum self understanding and compassion too wen we make mistakes otherwise it will just lead to total despair and potentialy self destructiveness. I struggle to fink balanced wen i make mistakes as i can feel like such a lost cause 😕

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

No no. I read your comment and stated that. Look at my other advice. Im a good person so dont do that.

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to Sunnidayz1]

I dont understand your comment. i dont no what u 'stated'? And also i dont no what i am doing that u said to 'dont do'? Confused 🤔😳😵

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

And also i didnt say youre not 'a good person'. I have no reason to doubt that you are a good person 🙂

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

Im ok with u, i hope youre ok with me? 😊

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

When I said dont do that I meant dont go down that path thinking that I wrote that to offend you. I agreed with you when I said it wasnt healthy. The fact that I responded in of itself shows that I care. Im not mad. It's ok just misunderstanding.

I think that you're on the right path. You are aware what u are doing is not helpful and therefore not healthy. At this point I believe it's become a habit. So I would start with trying to break it. Replace it with something healthy like exercising. It's easy to say but not easy to do but u can do it.

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to Sunnidayz1]

Thank you 😊

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

No problem👍

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

Thats good advice to fink abowt replacing maserbating with exercise too. i will bear that in mind

[Hidden]

Hey I'm kicking you websites I've read and used. The links are in direct message to you. Let me know what you think.

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to Hidden]

Ok thankyou, I appreciate that