struggle bus part gazillion

[mizzou7016]

Been a rough few days inside this brain of mine....anxiety at high level...2 staff members got assaulted last monday. 1 has a broken jaw the other has broken ribs....The what if game is doing it's strong dance on my brain. the thinking of everything that is bad can happen will happen keeps the time of my heart beat....Cant help but have these cognitive distortions....The PTSD is running wild

[gajh]

I am so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine having to go through what you are going through. I hope you are taking care of yourself and doing whatever you need to do to comfort yourself.

[mizzou7016 in reply to gajh]

Just keep driving on....Keep my "head on a swivel"....constantly alert. Hypervigilant. Hoping for the best thinking the worst......it's unfortunately a never ending cycle.....you can never be completely relaxed...The actions of people are way too unpredictable

[gajh in reply to mizzou7016]

But what do you do to calm yourself down when you are not at work? How do you cope?

[mizzou7016 in reply to gajh]

when time and my body allow I work on artwork. I am a fluid artist....Also try to work out and cook.....spending time doing something to occupy my time..The problem with this is my work schedule....working 60 hours a week takes it's toll....and when my weekend rolls along....I'm spending that time doing things that I've neglected during the week

fluid art

[gajh in reply to mizzou7016]

I am so glad that you have found coping skills to deal with all of that stress. Thank you for sharing your artwork. It is crazy that you have to work 60 hours a week. I can't even imagine.

[mizzou7016 in reply to gajh]

We've been on mandatory 12 hour shifts for about 2.5 years now...just keep driving on.....some days are better than others

[gajh in reply to mizzou7016]

I can't believe they can make that mandatory for so long. That is just not sustainable. We weren't designed to work 12 hour shifts. That is too much.

[mizzou7016 in reply to gajh]

especially in this type of environment....but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel so I keep fighting...some days I win....some days the darkness wins....but I am always willing to try again tomorrow...

[gajh in reply to mizzou7016]

It is truly amazing that you are able to keep up the fight day in and day out. I can't wait until the time comes for you to retire.

[mizzou7016 in reply to gajh]

It's a bittersweet feeling....to think about...a very big bag of mixed emotions...One 1 hand...I've been a part of this team for 26 years and have earned the spot that I have....I've given everything I've got to this job and the people I work with...but on the other hand....a little part of my brain says that I'm abandoning my team....I can do more.....but the question is....at what cost have I done these things......what will be left of me if i don't get out....what will be left of me if i stay.....it has already affected me in so many ways....some good some bad.......

[gajh in reply to mizzou7016]

I think that giving it 26 years you have taken all of the good out of it. You are not abandoning your team. You have given your time to them. Now it is time for you. Imagine all of the free time you will have when you are not working 12 hour days. I know you will have to find another job, but you could be sure to work just 8 hours a day. Imagine all of the artwork you can create with all of that extra time. It is time to take care of you.

[mizzou7016 in reply to gajh]

Thanks....needed this reminder today

[LoveforAll41]

I am sorry about this too mizzou... that is a lot to take in. I think it is natural to be anxious and think about scenarios so that you can plan and be prepared for things. I think it is your survival system working on something that is more real of a threat than a lot of us face. Did you mention you just have 8 more months to go? You can do this!

[mizzou7016 in reply to LoveforAll41]

yes.....can retire from the system August 1, 2024....hoping that when I leave here that my brain will calm down......not sure that it ever will though....

[Hippiedeb5150 in reply to mizzou7016]

I worked 12 hr shifts as an RN for many years-it was very hard on my body & my mental health b/c we never had enough staff & always working mandatory OT like you are doing. Sorry you are having a rough time. Hope your day goes well.

[mizzou7016 in reply to Hippiedeb5150]

like I said before....I have very mixed emotions about my upcoming retirement

[LoveforAll41 in reply to mizzou7016]

Yes, it is an interesting thing to wonder what dreams or goals happening might actually resolve something. I like to feel like a failure for not having a home or degree and I wonder if I will just find something else to feel bad about when those happen or maybe I will just be in peace forever after 😆

I think that you are in a tough profession that getting out of will certainly lower your anxiety though

[mizzou7016]

some days I don't......the what if game always runs a natural place in my mind....especially at work....even sadder....it's really starting to affect my personal life.....my relationships....my overall attitude.......writing it out helps....but always so lost

[mizzou7016]

If I had more time to do....I would definitely consider that....I have where i can take time off as needed...just trying to fight through....also need to find a good counselor with experience in public safety

[Vonus5591]

I never thought it could be that hard - you do tough job but they need more people on duty especially after that. Can’t you talk to your boss or union

[mizzou7016 in reply to Vonus5591]

In order to hire people....you have to have people in the "hiring pool".....there are no people in the hiring pool

[Vonus5591 in reply to mizzou7016]

I wish they would but are they training you in self defence or doing more

[mizzou7016 in reply to Vonus5591]

yes we are trained in self defense and other tactics...I try very hard to use verbal de-escalation techniques also.....but it doesn't always work.....

[Vonus5591 in reply to mizzou7016]

Lots of self defence on YouTube just google

[mizzou7016 in reply to Vonus5591]

I know....and I appreciate it....

[Hidden]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with that. It sounds scary!

[mizzou7016 in reply to Hidden]

It can be very scary.....I've been doing this a long time...so about the only thing that really scares me is the uncertainty that comes with human nature.....some days i deal with it really well.....some days i don't

[LadyZen]

Gosh, I'm so sorry. I'm speechless. Completely lost for words.

[LifeIsThePitts]

When I post about my struggles with my workplace, I often think of you and the horrendous toxic workplace environment you are exposed to daily.Mine isn't nearly as unpredictable or dangerous to my physical health in any respect. I don't know how you've carried this burden on your shoulders for nearly 26 years. I'm almost 30 years into my "sentence" and I posted earlier about how my job triggers me daily. I just want to cry right now and go home. But that won't solve anything....so I press on and suppress my emotional angst and negative emotions, stuffing them down, Down, DOWN for the next 3 hrs and 45 minutes. Escape from my jail cell and collapse in exhaustion until the sun rises and I have to face the battlefield once again.

Sorry for the Debbie downer reply, but I really understand WHAT you're feeling, I just cannot fathom the level to which you continue to operate. You're a TRUE HERO, in my humble opinion 🫂💟

[mizzou7016]

It's a genuine reply.....one that I relate to really well. Struggling with so many aspects of my work right now....I dread when my alarm clock sounda

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to mizzou7016]

Big huge HUG 🫂🤗 to you, Mizzou. I appreciate your candid and raw truths. Your vulnerability is a virtue. I admire your deep sense of humanity.

[SayNOtoPanic]

That is awful. But you also have a fear with grounds. So sorry that happened to your colleagues and that your anxiety is now sent up high. Try praying about it and meditating and take it easy on yourself. It just happened so makes sense that it’s a fresh situation too. Hopefully with time and seeing them heal (colleagues) and just doing your meditation or mindfulness,positive deep breaths, the anxiety will decrease again. 🙏🏻

[Oshgosh]

it’s hard working in such a risky environment.the constant awareness of risk is stressful..

Are your management supportive?

Is it possible to change your career path? Is there anything you could change to which would utilise your skills give your self a big hug from me?

[mizzou7016 in reply to Oshgosh]

This part of my career path is almost over...I hope...I can retire in 8 months.....then the decision will be what to do to bridge the gap between retirement benefits and social security benefits

[Oshgosh in reply to mizzou7016]

perhaps you need to research your options take care and watch your back x

[mizzou7016 in reply to Oshgosh]

I am....but I am thinking about getting my emt license...but I'm keeping all options open

[Oshgosh in reply to mizzou7016]

that’s good.

[Teaching]

I relate to it. So sorry you are going through this. Self care might be necessary. I pray you get better.

[mizzou7016]

Self care always happens....Just recently became a priority though....I will always have this struggle a little bit....

[Pel3749]

Keep going in your usual way. Try to talk to a friend a out this incident.

[mizzou7016 in reply to Pel3749]

I've talked to a lot of people...not just about this incident....but in general.....usual way can sometimes be toxic....get caught up in my emotions too much