As many know, I am a big advocate of Dr David Burns' work. He wrote "Feeling Great" and does the "Feeling Good" podcast. He developed TEAM CBT which is Testing, Empathy, Agenda-setting, Methods Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
He uses a hypothetical situation and asks if there was a magic button that cured your anxiety, depression, self-esteem issues etc., would you push it? Of course! Give me that now please!
He goes on to show that much of the hard emotions we feel are rooted in things that are actually wonderful about us. A new mother may have post partum depression because she cares so deeply for her newborn and doesn't want to screw it up. A divorcee may feel shame or worthlessness because they value family and the sanctity of marriage. I may feel so crappy about my low salary and not having a home of my own because I value the role of provider in my family and my family's needs. Perhaps we feel like a failure in our jobs or have imposter syndrome because we value and care about our company, coworkers, and recognize that we could do better.
He then asks if we would still press that button and often the people will say no, or still yes, but better yet, what if we could dial down our shame, anxiety, worthlessness? If you had a dial what would you turn them down to?
I think that about 10-20 or even 30-40 percent anxiety and shame for me would be workable. I would be driven to learn and grow, get better at work, work for raises, own a house, and progress in school.
Dr Burns then gets the person to set their goal of percentages and thus gets the subconscious to sign on with a reduction in these feelings because it can then give up these feelings because they won't be totally abandoned and the ends they are serving can still be a goal.
I am still struggling, but I get feeling better most of the time reading the first parts of his book about the mental distortions that get us feeling so crappy and realizing I don't have to completely eliminate anxiety to function.
This helps me accept my feelings and not run from them. My therapist doesn't want to recommend books to me because I need to accept feelings and not binge on food to avoid them 😁.
I hope all of you out there can see that there are beautiful things about you that might just need some tuning down to make your life manageable. I am grateful for all of you and this community and sharing your stories. I wish you all peace, hope, and strength ❤️☮️
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LoveforAll41
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Hi Beevee! I thought about posting a link to one of your posts and had actually copied it before I copied something else. I think that seeing the positives that may come from some of our views can help us accept these emotions and get on with recovery. I am still working on it, but I am improving. 👍
I also learned that I was always doing mindfulness wrong. I thought it was to "get through" the emotion but it is actually to "be in" the emotion! At least according to my therapist, and that makes me like mindfulness instead of dislike it. I hope you are doing great!
Your therapist is absolutely right. ✅️How can anyone be free from anxiety if they are not prepared to feel it? Symptoms need to be felt for them to be released. The more a sufferer allows themselves to feel anxious and not shy away from any of it, the more they recover.
It saddens me when I hear people "battling" with their anxiety when recovery lies in doing the exact opposite!
Waving the white flag, completely surrendering to the thoughts and feelings and observing [as if they were a third person] instead of fighting to think and feel different.
It's all about the attitude. Genuinely being OK about not being ok. Not caring that they feel crap and carrying on with their day. I know from experience that it takes time to reach this point but it will come. The symptoms will gradually fall away and probably without being noticed, probably because the sufferer has long given up monitoring their symptoms.
That's how it was for me. Time is the healer. Nowadays , I struggle to remember in any detail the really bad times and suffering. There was no lasting damage, either physically or mentally. Its almost as if anxiety is bolted on to us and not inextricably intertwined and impossible to separate from the sufferer. That's how I used to see it but then again, that is what my anxiety was telling me. All complete tosh! 😂
Thanks for sharing TwinklyNatureLady! Me too, I rarely judge others anymore and don't at all if I take two seconds to think. Even the people I think are driving inefficiently I assume are engrossed in the driving with great music and enjoying the moment 😜
I have the book Feeling Good by him and there's also a workbook I have. But I did the first few chapters and quit. I do think most people with mental issues are much deeper than most folks. We have a lot more self-reflection, self knowledge
Was it a quit because you started feeling better Marysblue? I often get into a workbook a couple chapters and start feeling better then stop. That always happens with "Get out of your mind and into your life"
It's been awhile since I quit writing in that workbook but I have a tendency to start things like that and not finish them. Have you read any of the literature on positive psychology? I'm a psych major and it made the most sense to me.
Yes, I think it makes acceptance much easier, not like I have to change everything about myself but think about it rationally and just turn it down a bit.
Oh my goodness, this is one of the best things I've read. 'There are beautiful things about me that might just need some turning down ' I hear you loud and clear. Thanks for sharing!
dearest LoveforAll41, I am currently working with a CBT therapist. It requires a commitment to doing the “homework” of recording negative thoughts when they come and being willing to gradually face your fears, but I can tell you that it is worth it. I am not perfect about writing down the negative thoughts when they come, but when I do and follow the process, it is a significant change in how I feel. It is continuous work because the patterns in my brain still go to the distorted thoughts, but little be little I am making new tracks.
Thank you for putting this out there and I wish you ongoing progress with your therapy.
I struggle with doing the homework many times as well. I have gotten better at not beating myself up for my own shortcomings and thoughts and sitting in that anxiety and shame some. I am really struggling with when my wife feels overwhelmed by the children. She is sad that everything gets messy so quick after cleaning and our children don't listen when she asks them to do things and one is exceptionally whiny these days. I feel like a complete failure and hopeless because I feel that it is normal for kids, the discipline to get them behaving this way is nearly unattainable/unrealistic, and that I have failed in being more involved with them. I am not sure if part of it is that my dad was completely uninvolved with the kids and I have mostly felt that it was my wife's job or what my feelings of hopelessness come from so strongly when she feels this way. I want her to be able to express frustrations and emotions but I pretty quickly feel hopeless and try to avoid the feeling by eating crap then I am less helpful 😬
hello again LoveforAll41. Nothing like procrastinating. I’m here writing to you when I’m supposed to be doing my daily mood log😳😊. It’s especially ironic bc it always helps me to see a more realistic/positive perspective on my negative thoughts that are bringing on the anxiety.
One of the things I like about the CBT therapy is that it doesn’t care where the underlying problem came from. It seeks to help us manage the current negative thoughts make your body feel it’s in danger and then bring on the physical symptoms that are horrible, and otherwise known as panic attacks.
So while it May be important at some point to figure out why you feel the way you do, maybe at this point you just need to focus on feeling better by addressing the negative thoughts that bring on the physical symptoms. Try to commit to the daily mood log for a week, just to see what happens. That’s what I’ve decided to do.
Hi LoveforAll41 , You are on the right track to cope with your situation for sure, I like Dr. David Burns books as well. I would like to recommend another good book , “Atomic Habits” by James Clear, it is not related to anxiety directly but it is a very good book to change your habits , like behavioural or mental, it is so easy to read , it might help your eating habit. All the best
I have listened to that one a couple times. I really like his bits about identifying as a nonsmoker if you are trying to quit smoking. I was actually gifted a hard copy and wouldn't mind reading it again. I still struggle with the shame and beating myself up if I miss a planned exercise session or eat crap, so still working on self-forgiveness. Thanks for the response!
Look up my post from 5 months ago called Acceptance is Key to Recovery. I first learnt about acceptance from a book called Essential Help for your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes and put her teachings into practice.
Acceptance is not something you do. It's not a doing thing and is all about developing a genuinely passive attitude towards all the symptoms. What will be, will be. Instead of trying all manner of things to try and feel different. It's the trying or resistance to the symptoms that keep sufferers trapped in the fear-adrenalin-fear cycle. Knowledge of the disorder is also advantageous because it helps to remove stress, bewildernent and fear of not knowing. Fear [or intense dislike of symptoms] is the driver so once you overcome that, recovery is just a matter of time.
It's all in the book I mentioned.
Hope this helps and wish you a very happy and peaceful New year. ❤️
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