Back down again

[Spiritanimal]

Hello all,

Having a really rough go of it right now. I have a very depressing job, feel unhappy in my marriage and have a depressed teen. I’ve struggled with ups and downs of MDD and anxiety + PTSD my whole life (I’m 45) and the anxiety and shame keeps me stuck inside my head and afraid to be honest with anyone about how I’m feeling. Except for my husband, whom I can’t hide it from . I am on meds, the same ones for 10 + years. I’m afraid to ask my psych about changing meds because med changes have historically made me feel much worse before I start feeling better. I use food, exercise and shopping/spending to try to escape my feelings but none of these do much. I feel stuck and have been thinking of suicide often, but I don’t want to do that to my daughter. I also feel shame because I brought a child into this world who may have to live with the same pain that I live with and for that reason only, I regret choosing to have a child. Sorry for this downer post, I am just really struggling today!

[HunterBlue]

Please do not for one minute feel any shame. You are not alone. No matter what your head might tell you. Also, do not apologize for the tone of your message. We are all here for one reason or another and we are here to help those who need it. It is important to escape your own mind and I am glad you have your husband to talk to. Do you feel you can be completely open with him about everything you feel? Or do you feel as if you have to hide parts?

[Spiritanimal in reply to HunterBlue]

Hi Hunterblue,

I feel like I have to hide a lot of things because I have deep regrets about marrying him and often think of leaving him. I don’t feel that I have the energy to deal with the fallout of telling him this and I don’t want to hurt him. I also don’t know if I can make it on my own, because of the depression. It interferes with my ability to deal with the business of life.

[Marysblue]

I hope you feel better soon. Maybe your doctor could just increase the dose. I too have many days when I feel like nothing in my life is good. It's a horrible feeling. It's nothing to be ashamed of. And we should have self compassion during these times but I know how difficult that is for me to do. I do try to think of that now when I'm feeling really bad. There are crisis numbers you can call just where you can vent your feelings and of course you're always welcome to say anything you feel on here. We've all been there.

[Spiritanimal in reply to Marysblue]

thanks Marysblue, we have tried that and are at the max dose…

[Marysblue in reply to Spiritanimal]

I'm on all natural now. Maybe you could add some of these.. not trying to tell you what to do but when I get so bad I'm suicidal I can't think what to do. I take several of these a day sometimes when I'm really bad I take all of them. Turmeric, fish oil, cardamom, rhodiola, NAD, lmethylfolate are otc supplements. I also have methylene blue , a dye i got on amaxon and dextromorphan a cough syrup. My doctor's okay with all these. But you want to check with yours . Also increasing exercise does amazing benefits and getting out in nature.

[Spiritanimal in reply to Marysblue]

Hi Marysblue,

Thank you for those suggestions! I do take fish oil and tumeric, but I will look into the other ones that you mentioned above. I see a functional medicine doctor who has me on several supplements for hormonal imbalance and perimenopaussl symptoms - DHEA, collagen, two herbal combo pills called a.m. stress and p.m. stress, pregnenolone, high dose vitamin D, iron, B12, vitamin C, melatonin. Also testosterone and progesterone. Some of these were interrupted recently though because I went out of town and when I travel it’s too much trouble to pack everything. I need to go refill my pill minder and get back on everything.

[Marysblue]

I don't want to give you the impression this cures my depression. Unfortunately, I couldnt tolerate antidepressants.These supplements keep me ok but I still isolate and have negative feelings alot of the time.

Stopping your hormones briefly could probably trigger a depression. Sounds like you have a good doctor I finally found a holistic doctor. She told me about the NAD, the methylene blue.

She also had me order a red light with near infrared light. And I sit with it on my face and head for 10 minutes a day. Just been doing that for a couple weeks not sure it's working. And it was expensive.

[Marysblue in reply to Marysblue]

And melatonin and collagen made my depression worse.

[Spiritanimal in reply to Marysblue]

Marysblue, thanks again. I didn’t stop the hormones but the testosterone is an implanted pellet and I wonder if it is wearing off. Good to know about the melatonin and collagen! I will try stopping the melatonin I think. I’ve been taking it for a long time and it doesn’t help that much for sleep anymore. I am interested in the NAD and methylene blue -

[Hidden]

Hey, sorry to hear you’re going through so much. Med changes are a must sometimes. If your current meds aren’t working please tell your psychiatrist asap. Maybe an increase in dose and/an additional med can be added. I took the same antidepressant for 20 years and it never worked. Finally agreed to try something new and the improvement was unbelievable. I wish I hadn’t waited so long to make that change. You may go through some discomfort for a bit but you’d be surprised how docs can help assist with the adjustment period.

Also, regarding your daughter. I have suffered from severe panic attacks and anxiety for my entire adult life. I have 3 sons in their 20’s, none of whom suffer from any mental illnesses to date. I tried hard not to project my anxiety onto them as much as possible. Our problems are not our children’s problems. But I don’t believe it is genetically inherited so I believe you’re daughter is not destined to suffer in this way.

Hope this helps you a bit. Please don’t give up on yourself or your daughter, and reach out about med change. It’s definitely worth your time to at least try. Best wishes to you.

[Spiritanimal in reply to Hidden]

thanks CharlotteChow. I hope that she doesn’t struggle in the ways I have. At least I know that she won’t have the PTSD component that I have because she isn’t growing up in a traumatic environment. She does have MDD and anxiety but maybe be catching it early it won’t be as sever later in life.

[Hidden in reply to Spiritanimal]

So true. So many kids are suffering from anxiety and depression these days and then came the Covid lockdown which seemed to push some youngsters over the edge being stuck at home too long. Getting her help early will really make a difference for her future and like you said, she did not suffer the trauma which is an added plus for her. Sorry about the job and marriage situations as well. Neither of mine are great either so I have no advice there other than change is hard but often necessary for our own well being. It’s easy advice to give but harder to act on I know.