Getting through, today

[Gandolfication]

It's morning. My goal is to get through today, 1 moment at a time, and to start to catch up on work deadlines, tasks, calls and emails. I have a task list and emails and voicemails. It seems daunting. I took an antianxiety medication.I'm still a little sick, although I feel better than the last couple days.

I have suicidal thoughts coming as usual, and I just have to notice and let them go.

The office internet has been out the last day and a half, and that is stressing me but there's nothing I can do about it except check on it and if it is out, actually work from home.

[Hidden]

Hello again this job is just too much for you can't you get a break booked my friends daughter is in your kind of work she works in a practice and there's others who step in when needed she had a long break during her cancer you can't go on like this with them thoughts sending a hug keep posting on here when you feel rough 🤗🤗

[Dolphin14]

Hi

Any chance of taking time off? Or did you just go back?

High stress workload isn't good for us as you know. I'm not sure what your job is. I have a thought based on what you have shared on the forum. Is there no one else that can take on some of this?

I know you know all this. I'm not sure what else to say

We are here to support you. Please seek help if you feel suicidal.

🐬

[LadyZen]

Remember to prioritize that list and only look at it one thing at a time. Block the rest out until you have to repriortize again. One thing at a time.

[ClassicalBlueKitty]

Gandolfication, thank you so much for sharing how things are going for you. It sounds like you are having it rough, but I just want you to know that you are doing amazing taking things one step at a time. I have noticed when overwhelmed that I do best with a "done" list instead of a "to do" list. It may help you to not feel bad or worry about what you haven't done yet. You have so much to celebrate, for example you posted today, you got up, you will nourish your body with food today, and you will do so much more. Thank you for sharing and for reminding me to take things one step at a time.

[Gandolfication in reply to ClassicalBlueKitty]

Thank you.I feel like all I have done today is avoid. Avoided work, turning my computer on, etc. I'm broke and in debt, struggling to take care of my 3 kids and me, support and other obligations, while paralyzed with anxiety and depression and unable to engage in the only work I have, my law practice.

This is not the first time.

Basically, I have become frozen in almost essentially every job I've ever had after some period of time, usually a year, or a few years at the most.

Along the way I searched very high and low for other types of jobs, and without wanting to get into a long history of detail about that, I am where I am. To do. I feel totally lost, hopeless in despair, overwhelmed and do not know what the next step is.

I do know that this paralyzing anxiety and depression just keeps coming back despite having invested a ton of time and effort and work into it.

And so it does seem so natural to see if I can marshall the courage to end my life such as it is. As I see no pointer purpose in it.

Kids. It always comes back to kids. Who I love, and are the meaning. But if I'm being honest and saying things I'm not supposed to, it also feels like I'm paying a punishment price like a millstone around my neck for decisions I never imagined would feel this way.

I wager there is some light shining through the cracks of darkness here, but right now I don't know what it is.

[ClassicalBlueKitty in reply to Gandolfication]

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. Please take these thoughts about your life very seriously and get some support for them. I'm sure a lot of us have had this struggle when stuck, there is no shame in it, but you don't want to let them hang around unaddressed for a weak moment. Kids are hard because their job is to take and not to give, so that can create a lot of imbalance in your emotional bank.

I think you seem to believe your job isn't the problem and I agree with you. You may not do that forever, I don't know, but it seems like you may be having a really severe mental health crisis at the moment. Once again we have all been there, but that doesn't mean it is normal or something you should have to "live with". Please just know that you are intrinsically worthy and that you need to be gentle with yourself. You have people here that believe in you and I'm sure many irl as well.

For myself sometimes to get "unstuck" I make myself a cup of coffee or tea. While it boils/brews I challenge myself to do as many small tasks around the kitchen as I can. For bonus points you can invite your kids to join and all get rambunctious about it with cheering and making it a bit of a competition. Sometimes just that moment of levity even when forced is enough to reassure you that there is light behind the darkness you are in at the moment.

[Gandolfication in reply to ClassicalBlueKitty]

Thank you. A lot of truth in there.

[MaggieSylvie]

Gandolfication, I'm sorry things haven't changed much for you. You can only do what you can do during the working day and if the technology isn't there, just get on with other jobs that don't require it. You will feel a sense of achievement at the end of the day, for having done those odd jobs that have been sitting there waiting for you to file them, action them or whatever. Be honest about the help you need and ask for it. The weekend is nearly upon us, so then focus on the kids. 😊

[Gandolfication]

Thank you all.

I'm having to admit I am in the midst of a mental health crisis.

I don't want to let my family know because this isn't the first or second time, and it seemed like the whole point of "wellness" or trying again was to become an 'independent' adult who could make it on my own financially, and in other respects.

Besides, I feel estranged from them and in some ways, it is more of a burden than a benefit to let them know (and also, to some degree, at least my mother and one or two sisters already generally know).

I've let a couple friends know, and to varying degrees, I guess I have let the three people I've been dating, whilst seeking to determine with them, whether any of us have the potential for a good long term relationship.

Life is very scary right now. I am not keeping up in my solo law practice. I do not know what I will do within a day or so, to buy groceries for my kids, much less other expenses, much less steps toward a more stable future.

All of this just feels like too much. Today, like most days this week, I was at war in my head, trying to marshal the courage to go and end my life.

Last night and this morning, I spoke to a couple friends, and was reminded of the beauty and joy of just being alive right now. It feels like that is all that I have. Wasn't that all any of us ever really had.

I've gotten a couple little things done today, which is better than some of the past few days. When each moment often has enough trouble of its own, I don't know how to begin getting good footing for stability for a future.

So, right now, I am just a little reflective on the fact that for now, I have at least chosen to stay alive, despite overwhelmingly wanting not to. I feel mixed about that, but it includes gratitude.