I hate myself.

[guitaristepiphone]

I hate myself. I was given a great family. A good father, mother and brother. I was given a great mind, good in studies and good in music (am a guitarist). But since 14 years age I got onto the wrong way of po*n and did a self-destructive behavior. Now at 19, no wonder why I suffer so much. It was traumetizing for me to watch po*n. I don't know what is wrong with this world. There's lots of bad everywhere in this world. Wish I had controlled myself upto 18 then my career, mental and physical health would have been good. And my family would have been happy. Had I known po*n was causing so much harm I would have stopped right at 14! Instead stuck here with severe anxiety and overthinking.😭

[Marysblue]

Please don't hate yourself. You have a lot of good qualities. We all make mistakes many times.

[guitaristepiphone in reply to Marysblue]

But I made again and again during 5 years by watching it.😭

[Marysblue in reply to guitaristepiphone]

In my opinion thats called addiction. maybe you could look into some 12-step group for this.

[guitaristepiphone in reply to Marysblue]

Yes, but my body and brain were saying no still I continued compulsively just for pleasure.😭😭😭 How to forget those things that caused this??

[Hidden]

You are victim to it - just recover, rest and start again

[guitaristepiphone in reply to Hidden]

Thanks!

[Hidden]

Hey there ♥️ I’ve been there feeling hate for my own actions and where I was.. I’m sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment and feeling unwell.

I’ve come to realize that regretting past actions and self-hating thoughts are not a fruitful way of spending your energy. I believe you have a better chance of changing the situation if you accept it, forgive yourself, and move on to focus your energy on taking steps to untangle what is going on and why, and what you can do to turn things around.

I can imagine that the thing you are addicted to might carry an additional layer of meaning for you, but if we let that aside for now, we might get a clearer view on what is actually happening.

From what I have read.. addiction has to do with the suppression of (maybe unwanted) emotions.. and whatever people are addicted to helps suppress those short them/and for a brief time gives a good/rewarding feeling. So I think Marysblue has a point in suggesting to look up addiction and pathways to heal in general and what the causes could be. And sitting with that and being honest with yourself. I think there is value in trying to understand if there is maybe something there underneath.. I don’t know what it is or what it could be. It could be anything from feeling shame about your body as it changed back then, or fear of rejection in personal intimate relationships, or a desire for something or too much excitement about something else you didn’t want to feel, or a traumatic thing that happened to you earlier, or you might be dealing with a completely different situation/health situation and at the time found this as your coping mechanism. I really don’t know.. it will be for you to uncover and investigate.

It’s possible that the way you feel about yourself has other roots too.. you mention all of this started at 14.. I think everyone at that age is just in a vulnerable phase of life. We change so much that we might not recognise ourselves or start to feel feelings of rejection or hate. I think most people are struggling at that stage and have done things they later wish they hadn’t done.

I think it’s good to acknowledge your feelings and to acknowledge that you would like the current situation to change. I don’t think there is much point in the “if only this if only that” thought train. It happened that you came in touch and it is happening now that you have come to a realization you would like your current situation to change.. that can be your neutral starting point. I’m not judging your for realizing you would like things to be different, and it is okay to not judge yourself either. I could imagine a positive way of thinking about the situation: “oh, I’m realizing not liking where I am right now, luckily I’m still young, I have my whole life ahead of myself and I have so much time and energy to learn and grow and figure out what I do want to experience instead and what I do want to shape my life into! The best moment to start is now! I’m going to do this in a compassionate way where I’m doing my best to understand what got me here so I can heal and sustainably change direction, and do my best to find a positive focus and direction, and to follow through with my intentions, at the same time be compassionate and forgiving with myself if I’m not successful at first try.”

I believe you have all the power to make improvements with whatever you wish to change in this moment, if you really from the bottom of your heart decide so and commit to it. It might be one step at a time and not instant success, but a positive direction can be set right now. Forgiveness and commitment to do what you can to live your best life and the best version you can be (no one needs perfection, your best is always good enough!) can completely change your energy right now and that of the situation.

I send you much love and strength and wish you all the best ♥️

[guitaristepiphone in reply to Hidden]

My father tripped us to Singapore, US, Dubai, Nepal, Kashmir and so many big cities in India. In return I watched p*rn.😭In 6th, 7th and upto mid 8th I was in one Sir's tuition.

He used to scare and give mental trauma everyday by taking tests.

My heartbeats had increased and headaches were there. I used to study 5 hours extra daily apart from school and tuition in 6th, 7th.

That caused a lot of cortisol to build up overtime.

When I had visited dubai in 2016 I had some sort of anxiety and stress already. Maybe that's why I got into that addiction.

[Hidden in reply to guitaristepiphone]

Hey. Thank you for sharing. That could very well be, that it is connected to some sort of trauma that you have experienced or to feeling under pressure or unsafe/in an unstable environment growing up. It sounds like you maybe didn’t always experience that much emotional safety, stability and a space to feel safe to express your emotional and physical needs, like rest or a kind way to be treated. It sounds like you have good awareness about what goes on in your body and with your emotions and what caused you to feel unwell and under pressure. Maybe you can work through that on your own or with a counselor, exploring it a bit and finding ways to provide yourself with boundaries for others to what you feel okay and safe doing and how it is okay to be treated, and a self caring approach towards your well being and regular rest and relaxation.

From what I have read having an orgasm is a natural and healthy way of stress release. That can be had without watching any pictures or movies though, so maybe what also happened is because of your age and level of experience at the time it just got linked inside your head when really it isn’t or doesn’t have to be. And then linked with feeling that stress level finally easing. There are many ways of stress relief, it can be physical activity, exercise, running, walking, weight training, dancing, singing… when we have stress in our body it is a natural reaction for it to tense up so we can run and escape from danger. Maybe you can try other forms of moving your body or helping it relieving its tension and stress.

And maybe there are practices like journaling or meditation or other exercises in books or websites than can help you find ways to grow and heal your inner sense of safety. Parts work done in IFS (internal family systems) works with that idea too. Lots of other approaches are out there.

It sounds like you are well equipped to start exploring this and finding your way out, you immediately came up with a starting point what to look at for causes, where to maybe start to process and where you could start creating a positive space for healing and change for yourself!

[guitaristepiphone in reply to Hidden]

Thanks! I was bullied a lot also throughout school. In kingergarden, by 2 girls!!!! A fat boy in early 1st or 2nd grade. Then in 3rd or 4th grade by one boy. A lot until 14 but all that was handled by my elder brother but as soon as he went to college to another city, I became a teen. As a teen, I was sexually harassed by one gay boy. He took off my trousers without my permission in 9th grade in washroom, watched my private part while I was in washroom and harassed me by talking and all. He grabbed my hand and bullied me. One other boy bullied me a lot in that same 9th grade. In 10th and 12th grade another boy bullied me. Btw I am seeing a psychiatrist and medicines are on going. But apart from that I am trying to get out of this.Constant stress and anxiety were there from std.6 to 12 related to studies. I got into po*n after completing 8th std. Still wanna know the root cause.