Hate myself right now

[Ckd123]

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal? I have severe health anxiety, it’s going on about 4 years now and I’m sick to the teeth of it. I want to live a normal life so bad. I’m always reading about people who have overcome this with meds, CBT etc but nope not me! Weeks of CBT and a lot of money and I’m still no better. Am I stupid? Is that why I can’t apply what I learned in CBT? People swear by Claire Weekes method but listening to her over and over again I can’t seem to grasp it, I understand it but can’t apply it. Every single day I think I’m having a heart attack, every single day I get chest pains, pain in neck, jaw, shoulder and arm but yet I haven’t had a heart attack. Iv put myself through numerous tests all of which showed nothing but as far as I’m concerned the professionals are wrong and have missed something. I recently had another stress test and I promised myself if it was ok I would accept this and try live my life without constant fear. I flew through the test, nothing showed up but have I gotten over my fear of a heart attack? Exactly, no I have not. I feel like an absolute fool, I feel stupid and dumb because after 4 years I still haven’t managed to beat this torment of an illness 😕

[JAYnLA]

It isn't a question of intelligence AT ALL. From your post, I'd say you sound quite sharp. I often say that Claire Weekes laid the foundation of my recovery - but my recovery is still ongoing. It's is definitely a process with lots of ups and downs. I'm just now getting better at not overreacting to bodily sensations and I've been at it for a while as well. When I say 'getting better', I mean that I'm seeing some progress - not that I've fully achieved it. Just keep at it. Keep refuting thoughts that you know to be untrue with the facts you've gathered and pay close attention to any progress you make, however small. Thanks for sharing yourself with us.

[Ckd123 in reply to JAYnLA]

Great advice, thank you xx

I might be being a hit hard on myself but I just want to be ‘cured’ so bad.

[Calm_mama in reply to Ckd123]

Hi Ckd,

JAYnLA is spot on.

You don't need to watch yourself so closely for signs of recovery. When you learn to stop watching yourself, recovery sneaks in.

One thing that I think may help you: Don't go back to doc for more tests for the same symptoms. This is reassurance-seeking, which makes perfect sense to the anxious person before he understands himself, but it tends to keep anxiety wide awake. It is, in a sense, giving in to anxiety's silly messages, and anxiety concludes that it's doing things correctly by staying on high alert and fixating on certain things. If you've been doing CBT then you probably know about exposure and response prevention (ERP)? The person with health anxiety has the very best opportunities for ERP. We are forever in our own bodies, the source of all worry! So you are constantly exposed to the things you fear. This might sound nuts, but it's fantastic. Every time your anxiety starts hollering about some symptom you need to pay attention to, you get to practice the correct reaction. And the more practice, the better. Instead of, "Oh this is for real- I better get to the ER now" the response can be, "Wait anxiety- this is basically the same symptom I had before and all the tests came back negative. So go ahead and holler but I know better."

This might help:

The physiology of anxiety: jonabram.web.unc.edu/files/...

Now obviously if you have a new symptom that doesn't add up, I'm not saying to avoid the doc. But do understand how fierce and strong the physical symptoms of anxiety can be, and how they can trick anxiety itself into thinking there's reason to worry. As you start practicing this new response (total, utter acceptance of all the symptoms, all the strange thoughts, all that you feel) and practice a new reaction (no need to go to the doc for another test, everything's been checked out and it's fine), your anxiety will start to slowly but surely realize it's misfiring and settle down Combine this with an excellent therapist to help you along the way, perhaps a med like an SSRI if recommended/tolerated, and recovery will come.

It is fantastic that you are listening to Dr. Weekes. I am a better audio learner but some do better reading, so if you don't already have it, maybe get "Hope and Help for your Nerves" (Called Self-Help for your nerves in Europe I believe). I had to read the book over and over and listen to the audio countless times. I also made an outline of her audio which helped me tremendously, ie a section on "The usual experiences and the pattern of nervous illness": 1) First comes indecision, then 2) Suggestibility, 3) Loss of Confidence 4) Feelings of personality disintegration 5) Feelings of unreality 6) Obsession (usually with how you feel) 7) Depression. A section on how to cope: 1) Face (your fears) 2) Float (as if on top of the waves, don't swim, that's fighting- rather, go with it- Float) 3) Accept (accept everything about it 4) Let time pass

And of course, the sticky note around the house "A SLOW RECOVERY CAN BE GOOD FOR YOU"

Big hugs

[Minnie87 in reply to Calm_mama]

Amazing response 💘

[Ckd123 in reply to Calm_mama]

Brilliant! Thank you so much for that insightful reply xx

I’m going to keep trying, that’s all I can do, hopefully I’ll get there sooner rather than later xx

[Minnie87]

I hear you!!!

Honestly you are not alone.anxiety is a horrible bully.always here if you want a chat x

[Ckd123 in reply to Minnie87]

Thank you hunni xx