My boyfriend has Bipolar Disorder and let say this year hasn't been the greatest overall. I haven't felt this suicidal since my teens( I'm a 26 year old female). I'm all over the place at the moment. I feel like I can't begin to express how much I want to end my life. I'm so tired of this. I'm always someone's pillar but I feel like I crumbled. I wake up and legitimately I don't recognize myself anymore. Who I used to be is gone. I can't reach her, I can't get her back. But I'm still here just a shell of the girl I used to be. I'm tired of this. So very tired. The constant repeats in my head that I don't mean anything not even to the people around me. My boyfriend's bipolar kills me, you know. As he sinks into the dark muck of depression, saying things similar to me right now; "it's pointless" , "maybe i don't love you." , "I don't want to exist." etc etc....
I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world to him. I'm not even his preference. he's actually watched porn during the majority of our relationship while I put everything down for him. I'm stupid i know. I used to believe love was real. True love. When you care about someone, you stay by their side, not toss them aside like a used napkin. Maybe true love was never in the cards for me. That's all I ever wanted you know? To be loved. To be "good enough". Yet I never was. I wonder daily; when will I finally die? Am I even afraid anymore? I don't even think so anymore. I think I'm more afraid of dying slowly in agonizing pain. There's more. There's always more. Always more.
Having read your post, I sat here wondering how to reply. Sounds like an awful situation you are in. My brother has bipolar and it has been difficult over the years. You are a rock to him by sound of it and yet you don't get any thanks by sound of it. There's no easy answer to this except your life's worth more than this. Don't throw it away, your worth more. Your not stupid for putting up with this, your doing more than anyone would, and you deserve better. Bipolar is terrible condition that destroys not only the sufferer but people next to them. Your a very strong person for being there for him, and if his mental state was normal, I'm sure he'd be overwhelmed at your support. Good luck
Thank you. It means a lot to hear that. I'm just hurting so much. Always hurting. Sometimes I can't help but wonder is this just pointless of me to be around. I just want to be loved.
I too sometimes feel like I will never return to myself, the lovely girl I once was. But we must remain hopeful. Remember you are free to change your own circumstances, you’re not a prisoner to them. If you want to leave him you can, and that great love could be out there. T
That being said, Bipolar is tremendously difficult for those suffering and for those close by. I lived with my bipolar mother for years and it has been soo soo difficult, I couldn’t tell you how hard it is. I agree with Kevo1, I’m sure they are overwhelmed with your support deep down. You got to know how much you can handle.
I hope this seem clearer for you soon . Please don’t give up 💛
I don't want to leave. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore honestly. What if I'm just keeping him here alive just because I'm being selfish ? I find myself wondering that a lot. He thinks that I'm keeping him here to torture him already.
Wow I am so sorry you’re going through all this. You sound like a a strong and loving young lady. Don’t allow this to define you. It’s ok to hurt and feel the emotions and feel like crap. But it doesn’t define you. Lifting you in prayer 🙏🏻 God speed your strength to you and fight! You got this. And you are deserving of love just like you give it. Big hug.
Just keep marching forward, even at a slow pace. You deserve love and it will find you. If not in this relationship, that’s ok. But you’re not alone!! Keep us posted. Biggest hugs to you and prayers. I’m not sure if you meditate at all, but if not try some of the guided meditations on YouTube. If for five minutes a day alone and practice slow deep breathing. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.
Hey.
I‘m so sorry to hear about your pain. I do wish you that you are able to find support and connection to help you out of this.
I would say if I were you my first priority would be to find someone to talk to to shine a light on and address whatever is causing this feeling.. so you can find what is underneath the pain you are experiencing so healing is possible.
I can at least a little bit relate to what you are writing.. I think I‘ve experienced emotional pain pretty constantly growing up until a few years ago. I didn‘t even know what it felt like to live without it, it was so normal to me to feel scared, unsafe and in pain. But in my experience, it is good to try a few different approaches for therapy and spirituality, read a few different books and websites, and then one day it just clicked for me and I was able to not hold down my feelings anymore and allow myself to be and take space and accept.. and healing started. I believe that there is an approach there that will work for you, and you can start today to find it. You might have to dig deep though and be brave to walk through this, but it‘s worth making it to the other side. I believe we are all here for a purpose and you are a valuable person that the world needs with your gifts and in your uniqueness.
About your man.. I’ve been in a relationship with someone with Bipolar II (which means majority of time depressive episodes), CPTSD and who is on the autism spectrum.
Dating someone with bipolar, what has helped me was to learn more about Bipolar. Understanding what the symptoms are and that a lot of the behaviors and things you mention are bipolar depression being at the wheel, not the person themselves. Also understanding what I am choosing by choosing to be with this person… and taking the time to really take a very honest and clear look at myself if I am up for this and why I am choosing it, what is the real reason being completely honest.
Because to me a bipolar partner means I better be able to be my own rock, find my own resources to pull myself out of any situation and in addition at times being a rock for someone who is severely struggling often over long periods. I can not insist on the same standards I would insist on by a partner without trauma, bipolar and neurodiversity. Chances are I will encounter some gloomy clouds, some insensitivity and prickliness along the way. To me choosing such a relationship requires constant work on my own mental health and resilience, building a strong support and social network outside the relationship that I can fall on, dedication to self healing, rigorous self-inquiry and self-reflection and learning to set firm boundaries and at times putting my foot down and drawing a line. Yes bipolar is an illness and people often can’t help what is happening while it is already rolling in - but they also can carry responsibility creating a well being plan with you and being mindful of sticking to their plan and routine and getting constant support. There are ways to work with this diagnosis. If you read up on it there are so many ways to create stabilizing routines and to address the in many cases underlying trauma.
There are plenty of support resources and reasons for another person to live that have nothing to do with you.
No matter how lovely of a man he might be - your first love is ideally you, self-love and preservation is what makes sense to put before any relationship. I think if you are struggling yourself, your responsibility does not lie with him, but with yourself first. He can get help for his bipolar if he chooses to but I think that is up to him and not our topic here and right now.
I feel you are making a tough and ideally well considered choice by saying you are going to stay with him no matter what while being depressed yourself. Being in a relationship with someone with bipolar is I believe not for the faint hearted and if there are other challenges present, it can trip someone quickly.
My own expectations that another person would save me, fill a hole for me, give me love, put me first, all while I myself didn‘t give me love and care and put my well being first..they crashed and burned. If you are looking for someone stable to be a rock for you during your own struggles and a prince charming who will constantly boost your ego with compliments I‘m not sure you are knocking on the right door. You can meditate on this if you feel ready, wether your depression has completely different roots or something to do with the relationship and wether it‘s right for you to stay. I don‘t know that. No one else can answer that for you. Also it is okay to stay until you feel more stable and not decide this now to not cause additional stress. Whatever is best for you.
About what you write about yourself.. I don’t believe you need this guy or anyone to validate you or to experience love. Love to me is the opposite of fear, a space and state that you can be in and out of that you live life from…not something another person can „grant“ you or „withdraw“ at their choosing. It has to me nothing to do with wether someone tells you you are pretty or not or holds a door open. It’s to me a completely different universe. I believe you are already beautiful wether someone else acknowledges it or not, your beauty stands for itself, your essence is always whole, always beautiful and always untouched by any of this.
sometimes it’s hard when we have are own mental issues to be able to be there for someone else we love. That’s why it doesn’t seem fair, selfish and toxic.
Bipolar is very difficult at times when going through the ups and downs of the disorder. I have a son with bipolar and seeing someone that had Depression , but was put on mood stabilizers. And usually in that case some form of bipolar has surfaced. Has not come forth with admitting but all signs of behavior is there. I’ve learned over the years to adapt and not fret when he becomes distant and seemingly cold. I’ve learned to toughen up my sensitivity and not take as personal . It’s a must when dealing with someone with the disorder. I was at my lowest and went and seen a therapist. He brought something to my attention. He said, You accept your son unconditionally yet your making conditions with the guy your seeing. That hit home. I needed to take a look at myself and what I expected from someone that may not be able to give me what I felt I needed and not to what my partner needed. We can be as selfish as someone with the disorder , but the difference is those with bipolar are dealing with a selfish disease they can’t completely control. There’ behaviors aren’t what we would expect as how we are in a relationship. A lot of the time there coldness is because they feel unworthy , a lot of the times there life isn’t were they wanted it to be ,feelings of no purpose , failing in life and for a man that is hard to accept for some so when the depression hits they feel it deep within the soul. They can’t love others if they don’t feel the love for themselves. It’s not that they don’t love you. Most of the time they truly do, they just don’t know how to feel good enough to love. They are fighting the same battles mentally , but bipolar is selfish, cold, uncaring , so double dose that with bipolar depression and the manic irritability some get. If the relationship is going to work with the ups and downs one must be pretty stable and positive and able to see through the fear that bipolar disorder throws to both. Not everyone can handle it and I’ll be honest there’s times my mind wonders thinking the worst. That’s where outside support systems help to occupy your time. However , you can’t always listen to others if they have not experienced the dealings of bipolar or depression. If I listened to friends saying , he’s cheating, a player, he’s narcissistic. I would not have stuck around for the breakthroughs of him opening up and being vulnerable with some of his feelings. Patience is needed and to be accepting of and to realize they aren’t selfish it’s there way of dealing with the demons that lay within.
It hurts , it’s frustrating , enjoy what good times you have between . What I have read the most with having a relationship is it is truly not for the faint of heart. You must be able to accept the whole package that lies within them. Love unconditionally , no major expectation and come to the realization they may not nor never meet your needs.
It is then you have to decide to love unconditionally and stay for the roller coaster ride , Or love them from afar. Your health matters and you can only decide what you’re capable of handling. They can be truly good people but not always truly good for us.
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