I am not ok.

[101315]

“I've never been afraid of the dark. I'm more afraid of the day, of people. I love the night. The solitude. Well, I don't love it. I don't feel love. I hate people, so I hope when I get there it isn't crowded. I hope the light is a momentary phenomenon and the other side is completely black. And silent.”

― Julie Anne Peters, By the Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead

I used to feel connected to people. I do not have that same connection anymore. I have alienated every friend I have ever had, either by choice or as a result of them learning about me in a different light. I wanted to feel a connection to someone again. Not love, just a mutual respect and acknowledgment.

I have said some very harsh things today. A few people will probably never speak to me again. Self destruction is so common for me you could set your watch to it. I am not looking for empathy, i certainly do not deserve it in this instance.

I only want to share a feeling and prevent my internal struggle from completely destroying me. Maybe it will help, maybe it will not. In the wake of all my recent negative actions, one positive is enough to erase it all. I have to believe that.

[Starrlight]

❤️

[101315 in reply to Starrlight]

A step in the right direction, thank you

[Hidden]

You know I think you’re okay!!!🙂

[101315 in reply to Hidden]

I think you are ok too.

[Hb2003]

You know what i have done the same thing to some people and i understand how your feeling its ok to make mistakes 🙏 we care about you

[Roxylox]

I have also alienated lots of people. I genuinely can empathise.

[101315 in reply to Roxylox]

It sucks. Bridges are hard to build without engineering degrees and such and so easily torn down by the simplest of means. Then we throw in spaceships .. sounds like the next dramatic production of greys anatomy.

[101315 in reply to 101315]

I am joking, i have no idea if greys anatomy would cover aliens or construction feats.

[hypercat54]

Life has taught me to believe in the old maxim. 'Keep your words soft and sweet as you never know which ones you might have to eat'.

[101315 in reply to hypercat54]

Looks like i messed up a reply .. look down

[101315]

I am a fan of quotes. Somebody somewhere said something and they get their name on it. Your quote in particular is not one i am not familiar with. Seems about right considering how often i have tossed friends aside.

I will definitely remember it from here on out though.

[samack]

it is absolutely good to express yourself and have someone be a witness to your pain. That's what this site is for. Alienation is painful to yourself and to others. I know how the wish for silence and darkness feels personally, I also wish for being bathed in warm white light at the end of my journey. I hope I still have a ways to go.

[101315 in reply to samack]

I hope you do too. I like what you bring to this community.

[Zhangliqun]

So do that positive thing.

[EndUser13]

I have really tried to let it go but you were exceptionally rude to me in the past. I tried to be diplomatic and you were insulting in turn.

I have grown a lot in life and try not to hold grudges but I'm not going to forget how you treated me, on forums where I tend to see a LOT of kindness.

In a way, I feel like using these forums are tainted in a sense, because on occasion I have to see posts from a couple of people who don't seem to understand how to function in a polite society... and of course, accompanied by admins who are either ineffective or worse, seem to have double-standards.

I sincerely hope that in the future you are able to offer some introspection for yourself like you showed in this post. I don't mean you should solely focus on shamefulness, but learning to see the good along with the bad.

I have mixed feelings here, I like the idea of your post but I'm annoyed with obnoxious people on these forums, ruining an otherwise positive, healthy environment.

I wish there was an option to just block people.