Help me "come out" about depression to my husband and relatives

[Burntoutmama]

Hi, thanks to anyone who takes time to read this post, it will be long, but I feel I have to give a lot of context, so bare with me and thanks for your patience, I feel very anxious and overwhelmed right now.

About me, I am a full time worker, with two kids. I negociated flexible hours, so I go to the office till lunch time, then go home to my kids, and when I put them to bed I work for three hours or so and then go to sleep. I've always been really good in studies, work, if I have a problem I get in a full proactive way of solving. I have always been the strong and independent type and people trust my judgement because I am very practicall and have a skill to talk down any mountain-like problem that anyone has, and help them look the good side or the solution.

About my husband, he is awesome. He is smart, funny, caring and all that is great. But he has this thing, he gets really anxious and go to the worst case scenario when anything go wrong, then I talk him down, and everything's good again.

About my depression, here is the summary:

- on 2018 I was scamed by my best friend and lost my business and money. [The friendship and betrayal really kicked me down, the money hurt, but I knew I could bounce back]

- On 2019 I had my first kid, she had problems at birth due to negligence and she almost died, my birth was as traumatic and violent as it can get, and my baby stayed at the NICU for a month, but happily she bounced back and now is a healthy normal kid.

- Pandemic kicked my butt. We had 7 months of lockdown in a tiny appartment.

- On 2021 I almost lost my uterus for the first time due to a benign tumor that got operated really late, due to hospitals being full with Covid patients. Finally, one doctor took a leap and said he would try to save it, and he did.

- On 2022, I had my second kid, and I almost lost my uterus in the process, due to an hemorragic episode.

So, when my first kid arrived, I pulled through rather well, I kept going and fighting myself to be a good mother, wife and employee.

When my second kid arrived, my energy levels went to cero. I was tired all day. I started going in this automatic mode and being a false good mother, wife and employee. Didn't enjoy my time with the kids. Started lashing out about everything. Started to fall behind and make a lot of mistakes at work. My kids started to resent it and got really tantrumy-angry kids. That was the last straw and I finally got around to stop, realize and admit I have a problem that I can't solve, and got help.

My diagnosis felt like a weight being lifted from my shoulders. I wasn't failing, I wasn't bad, I was sick. The medication has helped a lot and I am enjoying life again, yet not really over the mountain just yet.

Now to the point (finally, so sorry for the long rant):

My husband has reacted really bad about depression diagnosis on a few close people. He thinks it's a desease that makes you cry all day and not have any good moment. Also, I know that he will start blaming himself, thinking I am worse than I am, that he failed me and that's why I am depressed. I know I will have to talk him down and reassure him. And the thing is, I have been keeping this from him in a coward way because I don't feel I can handle his reaction. So, I really want to tell him, but I need advise on how, and how to handle his reaction. This thing is the only things that gets me in an anxious crying mode, because I hate keeping it a secret, I feel really shitty, and I don't know how to get over with it, and how to reassure him that it's not his fault and to minimize the worst case scenario that I know he will get in to.

Sorry, this got too long. I appreciate everything you can tell me about your experiences and advices. I am new to this diagnosis although I have had syntoms for years, and don't know how to handle it very well.

[mizzou7016]

I would always say take the straightforward approach...but also try and be as reassuring as you can be....It's not really anyone's fault.....do the best that you can......

[Hidden]

You need their support and all you are really asking for. Just to be there

[LoveforAll41]

Hi Burntoutmama, it sounds like you are a real fighterand have gone through it. I have had strong feelings of anxiety and depression off and on for 15 or so years now... actually I think anxiety for my whole life but depression and not functional in areas of my life for 15 years.

I have a wonderful wife who is awesome as well. I have my good moments where I can talk about it and have actually told her to ask me about it so that I can tell her how I am feeling. When she does this and I am anxious depressed I often can only say yes or withdraw and don't say anything. I have realized with therapy that I feel that emotions are a burden, and because people can't just solve them or make them go away I feel like a burden if I share them. How sad is that!? Thinking about my 5 year old self in this situation it makes me want to hug him badly.

Anyway, I would let him know that it certainly isn't his fault, and ask if he can just listen. Sometimes that is all we need, and we definitely need our emotions validated. THEY ARE ALL VALID! As well, I think it is important to validate his emotions. It is understandable to blame ourselves for how our spouses feel. You can also put yourself in his shoes when he wants to go to worst-case scenario and say that it is his fault and that you want to leave him or whatever. That is scary, and it is scary to feel it will happen and hard to have to worry about it!

I was talking to my therapist about how my wife is scared that our children will die from SIDS. I try to reassure her because I worry about it less than her, but I should just acknowledge that it is a really scary thing and we should do everything to prevent it that we can, but we don't have absolute power.

This is also probably a good topic to go over with your therapist. I strongly believe in therapy and think at least a monthly visit is good for anyone that has ever had bad depression. They will probably have a lot of practice in how to communicate these things.

If your husband likes hugs like I do I'd go hold him tight and just tell him how crappy you feel. I wish you peace, hope, and understanding and being understood.

[Burntoutmama in reply to LoveforAll41]

Thank you very much, your answer really stroke a point there, I feel the exact same thing like my emotions, since he can't do anything about them to make them go away quickly, are only going to burden him. I think you expressed exactly how I feel in a better way. Thank you so much this really helped.

[melbrown]

Glad you are on the road to recovery... sounds like you've been through a lot. It's hard to believe we aren't Superwoman/man... anxiety, depression, mental illness doesn't mean we are weak or broken. Have you talked to your therapist about this? Being open and honest... that you love him & it's not his or anyone's fault... you are getting help & need his support. Maybe have a therapy session with him as a part of, which can be a safe place for you both. I know it's difficult, we've all been there... hoping it goes well & he surprises you.

[Burntoutmama]

So, I told my therapist last session, I came out feeling powerfull, then, "lucky me", he told me that one of his closest friends told him, that he had been feeling down for a year and started depression treatment, and he totally freaked out, like that is the most horrible thing that could happen to someone, and how his friend never showed any signs, so I thought, well, this is an oportunity to educate him about it and finally tell him, but I could not make my point that depression is not only being extremely sad and crying all day, it's an imbalance, an incapacity to enjoy things, a sort of disconnection sometimes, and he stood his ground that it wasn't that, that it was a horrible horrible disease that really breaks people and he was so scared for his friend.... So I backed out and couldn't do it.I have a session next month and will talk to my therapist about this, maybe I will ask her to talk to him? Is that a common thing? I am really lost on this...

[CLB1125]

my advice would be to set up an appointment with your therapist and have them explain it to him. Coming from a professional he may be more apt to accept the information as accurate. He will know what to expect and how to help you.

[Artistfriend]

Just try and keep in mind that whatever his initial reaction is could change, the longer your open with him the more he'll at least get used to your symptoms and patterns, give things time to sink in