Help please

[AndreeaJay]

I have told my story to very few people, one because I consider people in the world have bigger issues than this and mine is not so important and because I am the one who always tries to help them and twon because I rarely trust people anyway. So I will do my best to put it into words.I was born on a sunny Wednesday, in february on a day my mother market as "the most beautiful day of her life" in an agenda. I grew up thinking my parents were happy and I, myself was happy till I was 6 years old. That year I was taken out of my grandmother's countryside and put in school. My father monitorized me every day from then on for the next 6 years. He would yell, slap and hurt me because I would pay no attention in class. I had no idea why so I grew up believing I was just stupid. I didn't find school interested. I would ask myself questions like, "if we all study here, but we are all different then why do we study the same thing?"; "if me and the guy building the building next to the school both study why is he staying in the rain now? " At 12 years old I had finally managed to pass off my father enough that he left me alone with school. Although he did ruin many birthdays after that calling me stupid and telling me to remember it. At 16 years old I found the grandmother that raised me in a crisis in her bedroom. She died a few months later. I went to university in a different country because I could not put up with my father anymore at that point. I did however strive in high school and was the best in my class. 1 year in my university, I had to quit beacuse my mother, 17 years old with cancer was on her death bed. 1 month after that I went back to uni and started a new bachelor. I was ready to face the world. Covid hit 3 years later and I realized I had anxiety. I could only think of all those lost lives and how our governments are useless. So, I did what any normal person would do. I went home seeking support from my father. By than i also had a boyfriend for 4 years. My father took me to a shrink, said I am insane and started talking about himself. Him taking me to the therapist was actually a good thing though because I discovered he is a narcissist. I thought I knew everything in that moment and how to deal with him also. Months later, I got an opportunity to live where I always wanted and finish my university with an internship. All was good. Then I found a job, not in my major but in something I actually am terrible at. I was so bad at accounting however I made 11.000 euros from tax return in 1 month in that company. I found friends there and even though I was very stressed all the time, I was managed. Then, after 9 months, they fired me. Illegally and by screaming. I recorded the whole thing and now I have a trial with them. I even have a new job. Here is where the bad starts. After being fired I started having severe stomach issues. Going to the bathroom, Nausea, dizziness. It was so bad I when crying to doctors and said I will even do a colonoscopy if I have to. I am 25 after all. They took samples, blood tests, breath tests, etc. Found nothing other than a lactose intolerance I never had before. However, once a month this keeps happening. And I cannot go out of the house. I am terrified of losing my job like I was day 1 it started. And they tell me it is psychological. I started investigating that. They might have a point. I have panic attacks, I am terrified all the time, I feel useless and like I am good for nothing. I lost my job, my savings, my 7 year fiance and for the first time in my life I don't even have ambition anymore. And now I am home with the same stomach issue and waiting for someone to say " you are fired". I feel alone in a big world. I have no support, no family. And I could count on me before but now, I was out of control in all these situations. What can I do anyway? So that is my life....

Edit: I forgot to mention that I also dicovered this year that the perfect family man who I managed to integrate in my life, my father is not only a narcissist, but also a lier and a cheater who is currently desperate to marry while I have been sick for months and considers having anew child at 50 to replace his family

[fauxartist]

Often, a narcissistic parent tries to live their life through their children by controlling and manipulating every aspect of their lives. They expect them to be representatives of their selves and the kid to be something they were not necessarily wanting to be. So frustration, anger, and resentment built. And the poor kid is the one who pays that price of trauma for the rest of their lives of not feeling good enough about what ever they try to achieve in life.

This was not your fault, you didn't deserve this, and there's nothing you did wrong. Your father was incapable of accepting you for the person you were going to be, and selfishly tried to make you be what he wanted. Kids are born individuals, with their own path in life, and any good parent will encourage that and support that.

I would strongly recommend you try therapy again, because when you internalize trauma and anxiety...it really can attack our physical bodies...cancer, ulcers, migraines, etc. It's a whole new learning process, but well worth it.

[AndreeaJay in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you so much for all of your words. I am still in therapy but less then usual, maybe 2 a month. I feel like it is not doing anything for me at the moment...

[fauxartist in reply to AndreeaJay]

You may want to try a different therapist, it took me a while to find a good 'fit' for my own stuff....not all therapists work for everyone's individual issues. Mine had to understand mental injury, abandonment, and depression. It took a few tries but was worth it, I was reminded that the therapist is working for me, not the other way around.

[AndreeaJay in reply to fauxartist]

That is also true. The first one i worked with was good in family issues that is why I discovered my father was a narcissist. This one now that I speak too for 2 years now although not too often is ok. I felt like she helped me a lot but lately I don't know. I will try indeed a new one, thank you

[Midori]

Oh, Andreea,

I am so sorry that you have had such an awful start to your life, but you have found us! Welcome to the site.

I had a husband just like your father, but eventually he suicided, and I only felt relief. Since then I have brought up my children solo, and launched them into adult life. I moved away to a different country with my son, (who is my carer). we have a better life now, new friends lovely adapted bungalow, pretty much everything we need. Unfortunately he has been found to be diabetic (from his father's side) Although he panicked when he found out, he is now settling into his new reality, and I'm learning a new way of cooking!

There is life after a narcissistic parent or partner. If you mean you now have a narcissitic partner as well, it may be worth bearing in mind that we often take our fathers as a role model, as we don't know differently, and this can carry on down the generations, so Please, please be careful.

Cheers, Midori

[AndreeaJay in reply to Midori]

Thank you so much for welcoming me and your words. I am sorry for what you have been through. My partner, my ex, with whom I still live with due to economic circumstances was and is not a narcissist. He is the total opposite. I watched out for that. Unfortunately, he had depression and I couldn't help him and I decided to break it off even though I love him with my whole heart. He just didn't give me security... anyway, I hope to solve my medical issue now after being to 20 doctors so we shall see.