Hello all! I'm trusting that I'm writing on a legit site as I prepare myself to spill the beans on the years of panic disorder, PTSD, GAD, depression I have been battling with since age 16. I'm now 63. Now I have had some very good periods where I felt relatively "normal" and stable. I do come from a very troubled past. My father abused my mother while she was pregnant with me, she had post partum depression and I spent the first 3 months of my life with my aunt and grandmother. Then she left my father and my sister's and I were placed in an orphanage for 1 year and foster care for another year. Had my first panic attack at age 16 and was sent by the school nurse to a child psychiatrist who sexually abused me. Life went on I proudly put myself through university, landed excellent job and swore I would NEVER marry a man like my father. But guess what? I did . Had 2 amazing children who are the pride and joy of my life. Put up with years of mental cruelty, control and verbal abuse. Finally left him when my children were 17 and 19 years old. They stayed with their father as I had no job, mental health, and to continue their education. I used to go home to them to cook supper for them every night for close to 2 years. There was nothing left in me. Self-esteem gone, unable to work...I met someone who offered me sanctuary and we eventually fell in love. I had never lived with anyone like him - loving , kind to my children, generous. The opposite of my former life with my ex. I thought GAD, panic attacks etc were all things of the past....until about 1 year ago when it started all over again with a vengeance!! Why?? Been going through hell although I have joined an amazing support group. I try what I can to manage it including group meetings, exercise, readings, journaling, meditation but it isn't GONE yet. My psychiatrist is trying medication to help but we haven't found the right combo yet and am getting exhausted trying. Well that's my story. Anyone else out there like me?
LONG NEVER-ENDING BATTLE WITH MYSELF - Anxiety and Depre...
LONG NEVER-ENDING BATTLE WITH MYSELF
Yes, this is a legitimate site, and there are many people like you here. Glad you have joined as you will find kind and welcoming people here who do understand what you are going through. It is good that your present relationship is a supportive one and also that you are seeing a psychiatrist. Antidepressants can help.
You have had a very traumatic past, and while there can be good periods, it often catches up with you. How is your relationship with your children now? In the meantime, walking or any other type of exercise can help calm the mind. x
Hi. Thank you for writing and making me feel less alone in my suffering. I have a wonderful relationship with my children. They are my pride and joy. I gave them everything I never received as a child, adolescent, young adult. I waited until they finished moved away from their father's home before filing for divorce. They do not know how much I suffer and I do not want to burden them. with my problems. They know I am on meds, see a psychiatrist but I refuse to use them as my sounding board. This is something my mother who was frail of both mental and physical health would do. I know she loved me but her own issues took up all the room. For some reason I have an urge to write the story of my life. Today I feel very tired, my mood is what I call like dead inside. I exercise every day and am getting ready to go swimming. For me I feel like I'm going through the motions of trying to look alive!!
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You have had a hard life from day one but you have achieved so much by your strength of character and courage and are to be congratulated.
You have done nothing to reproach yourself for so do not indulge in false guilt of any kind, we all make small mistakes, these do not matter.
You say you are constantly battling with yourself. You must now stop fighting and surrender. Fighting only causes more stress and strain: the opposite of what you need right now.
So accept all the symptoms of your anxiety disorder and the depletion/depression that flows from it. Accept them completely, they can do you no physical harm. Panic attacks make you feel awful but they cannot damage your mind or body in any way, so accept even these.
As we accept our symptoms we begin to lose our fear of them, we lose our fear of fear too. Accept your symptoms and bad feelings, they are temporary visitors, and their days are numbered.
If you truly accept.
Thank you so much Jeff for your wise words. As the Serenity Prayer says "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I am finding it difficult to accept my temperament and fact that I will struggle with anxiety and depression for the rest of my life. Thank you again.
Thank you for reminding me of the Serenity Prayer, how true are its words.
There is no reason for you to struggle with anxiety and depression for the rest of your life. My point is, it's because you 'struggle' that the bad feelings are prolonged: 'fighting' provides the fuel (in terms of extra cortisol and adrenaline) on which anxiety and depletion are sustained.
I refer of course to the Acceptance method for recovery from anxiety disorder first advocated by Claire Weekes many decades ago in her first book "Self help for your nerves".
She claimed that everybody experiencing anxiety can be cured if they follow her method based on four protocols: Face, Accept, Float and Let time pass. By persistently practicing Acceptance (for the moment) we eventually desensitise our nervous system and regain our quiet mind.
Recently her biography was published 'Claire Weekes; the woman who cracked the anxiety code' and in it David Barlow, Emeritus Professor of Psychiatry and Psychology at Boston University, claims that since she began popularising her Acceptance method in 1962 tens of millions of people have recovered. Who am I to argue since I first read her book in 1974, it is life changing. (In the U.S. the title of the same book is 'Hope and help for your nerves' both titles still available online.
Of course, you may already know all this. You may have read this good lady's book. If so I respectfully suggest: read it again.
I first picked up Dr. Claire Weekes book Hope & Help for your Nerves around the mid 1970's, as well. There wasn't much help out there in those days so a lot of us who are now in our 60's, 70's, etc. didn't get any, or any proper help for SO many years. Not getting proper help for so long can, and does make it more difficult to manage our condition; it did mine! I did get much help from Dr. Weekes books, and used to carry her books with me when I was out alone! I still refer to her books today especially when in a setback. Accepting nervous symptoms with understanding eases tension, and fear and so calms the nervous system... I, highly, recommend her books to anyone out there with an Anxiety Disorder, and or Depression.
I have never heard of Dr. Claire Weekes but have taken note of your reference and will order her book. I do make it a point to exercise every day, meditate (although I cannot say I have mastered the practice) Someone else has recommended I take a cold shower daily. I live in a northern suburb north of Montreal. The air will be cooling soon enough. I love my daily walks in the cold fresh winter air!
You say you feel the urge to write your life story. Perhaps you should act on that urge. You were able to write it on here very clearly and to the point.
You are a brave woman. Well done for not using your children as sounding boards.
I think l am guilty of doing that now and again, and l know it dooesn't go down well with them and I don't feel good for doing it.
Hi Roxylox. Don't be hard on yourself . We are all humans just for the most part trying to do our best. I learned my lessons about what not to subject my children to from my childhood.
Im not going to re-reply the medical stuff.Yes, it is addictive. Anytime we learn the repeating behavior that ' I dont feel right, time for a pill...' its a learned coping skill, avoidance source, and addiction. Cant argue with results, the pills work, but the cost can be great. I just warn you caution. Read those paper that come with your prescription!!
And, If I could encourage you to feel comfortable to talk to a Pharmacist, or Medical Doctor, with any question. Your long term health can be affected by these meds, its important to know what your doing to yourself.
I can understand that. My story is similar.
IT specialist on large Corporate systems, very driven man, expected a 'Stepford' trophy wife, and I didn't measure up once the kids came.
Gaslighting, putdowns, then slaps and punches, had to go to work with a black eye a few times. Financial abuse, alienation from friends and family, attempting to make me unemployable; I'm sure it's familiar.
Eventually, I took the kids and ran to a Refuge, who bundled us off to another part of the country, where I got a protection order and started divorce proceedings. Once he realised I meant what I said, he committed suicide, which started another six months of hell, with his family being absolute A-holes, taking as much as they could steal from the house and accusing me of murdering him at the Inquest! I was lucky that the officer they made the allegations to was one of the two who had broken in, found him, and knew darned well I couldn't have done it.
Brought up the kids solo, on cocktails of medication, and gradually found myself breaking down physically with Fibromyalgia. The kids were on the cusp of adulthood by then, and my son eventually became my carer.
For a long time I wasn't coping well, then one day I had a revelation. The voice in my head telling me I was useless, couldn't cook, couldn't clean, couldn't organise a dinner for his boss and the wife, fight my way out of a wet paper bag were all the voice of my late and unlamented. So I told him 'You are dead. I'm not listening to you any more' and gradually the voice went away.
Nowadays, My son and I live in a bungalow which is adapted for me; I'm trying to get him into some form of work where he can earn his own money, trying to get him driving, even if it's only volunteer stuff at the moment, as I want him settled into something before I drop off the twig.
He will have the house, but he needs to be able to earn enough to pay the living bills. We are also in a different part of the UK, too.
Mentally, since I evicted my late husband from my mind, I have been far better. OK, it's taken 30 years, but I've got there. I'm not on any medication for mental distress, just for the Fibromyalgia. Oh, and BTW, I'm 73.
Hope some of this wall of text is some help to you.
Cheers, Midori
I don't fee like an inspiration, but I use my life to try to help those in similar circumstances. I was lucky to have the kids, they kept me going.
Please try 45-60 minutes of daily cardio exercise to produce endorphins that battle your anxiety and depression. Take a 5 minute pure cold shower daily. Google it it is rough for 2 weeks but then you crave it. It resets the brain and vagus nerve. Be around positive people and think positive and count your blessings
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