Depressed on life and don't know what to do

[Heruga]

I'm depressed on mainly 2 things. First, my job. This is my first full time job after graduating college and its been 11 months since I started. Lately I feel like I am not doing a good job and feel useless. My coworker and my ONLY co worker is leaving next spring and I have to learn everything he can do which is impossible because he has 40 years more experience than me. And being fired is not a choice. I have to be financially stable or else I won't be able to marry my current girlfriend and we are planning to get married in less than 2 years. And then that would cause us to break up and I will hit rock bottom and go through despair. I'm already starting to plan for the worst case scenario, in case this happens.

Second, my anxiety and IBS stomach problems. I had a really bad IBS accident half a year ago and ever since I am always worried that I will do it again. My anxiety is a big contributor to my stomach problems too. Because of this, I ruined my recent thanksgiving trip with my girlfriend because I didn't want to stay out too long and far because I was constantly worried I will poop in my pants. I also get random episodes of anxiety attacks mainly in restaurants and I get severely lightheaded and nauseous and eventually throw up.

How can I find a solution for this?

[gogogirl]

Wait- you would break up because of a job loss? And you have not lost the job!

[gogogirl in reply to gogogirl]

Also- give yourself a break- like you said you do not have forty years of experience- you just got there!

[Heruga in reply to gogogirl]

No I'm afraid my girlfriend would break up with me if I have no money and can't support each other. And I think I will. I have some learning disabilities to make matters worse and there are so many things expected of me that I still can't do. And my boss hired me knowing that I am a bit under qualified for this position because he and his team was willing to teach and train me to make up for it.

[gogogirl]

That is wonderful that your boss has so much confidence in you! So your boss already knows this. Have you talked to your boss about your fears? Also, I hope your training is going well. What kind of work do you do if you don't mind me asking? And give yourself credit- you have some type of LD- ( although you have expressed yourself well) and you are working! Hey, I have "fortune told" and projected in my life also- and all it does is eat away at you. I have a type of LD also although it was not diagnosed until I was much older. Enjoy the job and the girlfriend and hang in there.

[Heruga in reply to gogogirl]

Its not that he was confident when he hired me.. it was because he needed a replacement right away. I haven't talked to him yet and I don't know if I will because I'm not too comfortable with him. I don't really like his personality. I work as a groundskeeper for a senior retirement community and I applied to this job because I thought I could use my skills and experience in horticultural work. I thought most of the work I would be doing is horticultural work, which by the way was on the job description, but I end up having to do a lot of other technical stuff like doing mechanic work on machines, fixing and installing parking sign posts, making concrete, and painting parking signs. We also do a lot of snow plowing in the winter too. I knew that not all of my work will be horticultural but most of this stuff is something I have no experience with, in fact I'm pretty bad at these kind of stuff as I am the total opposite of being street smart. I am really bad at fixing things and using my head to see how things work. My co worker has been working with me with all this work and I watch him and he even teaches me but I just could never remember in one try. There are so many processes to learn in just one step my mind gets frenzy confused. Which is why I do all the easy tasks for this position now and my co worker is in charge of all the equipment and technical stuff and I've just been helping him along this whole time but this will all change when he leaves in the spring. Comes spring and when my boss sees that I can't do any of this stuff alone he will fire me and then I won't be able to get married to my girlfriend anymore and we end up breaking up.... This is how I see my future

[gogogirl in reply to Heruga]

Wait a minute- you are working as a college grad in landscaping? Ah well , I know there is a lot of that going on today- however if your expertise ( and I assume your degree is in horticulture ) then it sounds like you are getting some related experience and getting paid for it so that's good. I hope you gain confidence. I also have had added duties on the job( like computor) and as an old person it was HARD!

[Heruga in reply to gogogirl]

No I already graduated with a 4 year degree in geography and currently taking classes in a community college to achieve an associates degree in horticulture. It is related experience but I am on the verge of my limit now so I may start searching for a new job. And if I get fired, I can't even use this job as a reference for my next job...

[gogogirl in reply to Heruga]

Why no reference- did the boss or your co worker say so? What about some of the seniors in the complex? Congratulations on your degree and your additional courses. You must have many tech skills to get that degree .

[gogogirl in reply to gogogirl]

Can you work in forestry ( civil service) with that degree?

[Heruga in reply to gogogirl]

No but isn't it bad to post a job on a resume that you got fired from? What if the next employer finds out I was fired, chances of me getting hired are lower isn't it?

I'd like to stick to horticulture as that is my main passion. I like to grow plants and take care of them

[gogogirl in reply to Heruga]

Who SAID you were fired? You are working. You also are just starting out. You can ask a career counselor ( as you know) or even your colleges for advice on this.You got a job right out of college , when many college grads ( as you know) are not getting out of the gate- also if you have a LD- look at you - despite that- you graduated college , are still attending and are working!

[gogogirl in reply to gogogirl]

Also, how great that you are good with plants- the world needs more people who are passionate about the environment and have the skills.

[Heruga in reply to gogogirl]

Yes I've loved plants and nature in general my whole life but never thought of that as a career path until 2 years ago. Unfortunately though, gardeners aren't high in demand these days

[Heruga in reply to gogogirl]

I'm working now but I'm talking IF I get fired. I actually got this job a year after I graduated college. Before that I was in an office desk job and that was my first full time job, but quit after a month because of an abusive boss and office jobs just aren't suited for me. Then I interned for 7 months at a botanical garden and then shortly after that I got hired at this job.

[gogogirl in reply to Heruga]

How about a reference at the garden? That is exciting. Also, my late grandmother had a wonderful expression. If I used what if about anything she would say: what if my grandmother was a bicycle? She'd have wheels! In other words: What if was not going to happen!

[Heruga in reply to gogogirl]

I certainly will get reference from the garden I interned at. Hmm I like your positivity but I've always been a negative person so it's hard to think that way..

[gogogirl in reply to Heruga]

Hey, I have been negative at times also- but you are too young for that I think! I am old.

[pinnk812]

Have you talked to your boss about this? If he hired you with not much experience and is willing to train you that shows he thinks you have potential! otherwise he wouldn't want you there. Everyone starts new and inexperienced at jobs. Imagine a doctor who is performing open heart surgery for the first time lol! I understand your fear but you need to turn your thoughts around. The worst case scenario hasn't happened yet and may never happen . It's the what if's. How about best case scenario? You marry your gf, doing well on the job, and realized you worried so much for nothing. I have confidence that you will be amazing at your job or any job at that. We all have fears in failing but we never take the chance to applaud the accomplishments.

I don't have IBS BUT I know the feeling of the stomach problems. I used to go to the bathroom before class all the time because of my anxiety. I HATE public bathrooms with a passion. Talk with your doctor to discuss a way to help you with IBS. I stopped eating at 8pm so I wouldn't wake up with stomach problems the next day because I get irritated easily. It has helped a bit. To this day I hate eating at restaurants too like cheesecake factory, pf changs, olive garden they are so noisy and dark inside nothing relaxing about it. Try going out on weekdays less crowded or sitting outside. Try to practice breathing exercises my therapist told me one time that when you stop breathing (I do it sometimes) not enough oxygen is getting to the brain so it can contribute to the nausea so you begin to panic.

I wish you all well on your new position and hope for the best.

[Heruga in reply to pinnk812]

This job is all about being street smart and using your hands to accomplish stuff. Other than horticultural work which I excel at. And I am the total opposite of street smart. Its just something I never grew up doing. I applied to this job for all the horticultural work that needs to get done because I have experience in that but this position isn't all about that. I have so much to learn in such a short time span I'm getting so stressed

For me, its always when I travel I get stomach problems and when I get anxious. I actually hated public bathrooms a lot too but now I'm starting to find them a safe haven. I also hate chain restaurants too so we stick to the more quieter restaurants. The deep breathing helps me somewhat. It helps with my anxiety induced nausea but not so much my stomach. And once my stomach starts hurting there is no turning back.

[gogogirl]

Have you also talked to your girlfriend about your fears? Good communication is the key as you know to a good relationship.

[Heruga in reply to gogogirl]

Yes I did and she tells me things will still go alright even without us being financially stable as we have a lot of close people we can depend on. She stated an example of how her friend accidentally had a baby while they were still young and didn't even have a job but somehow is doing fine even with just a part time job and going to school at the same time. But I don't really like the idea of relying on parents for money once we get married...

[gogogirl in reply to Heruga]

It has not happened yet- and might not happen at all. Hey, being concerned about your job shows you CARE, and that you are engaged and paying attention. What a fine attitude and a mature one at that. There are a lot of people on the job who do not give a fig and they are making good money- well at least some of them are. As far as your medical problems go- I hope you can get some help so that you feel better.

[gogogirl in reply to gogogirl]

May I also add- obviously this is not your dream job- but you are working- and that is good.