Some background: We have an open phone policy due to past mistakes on his part. He agreed to the open phone policy. I am easily paranoid by Itty bitty things. He had his phone turned slightly away from me while we were watching a movie. So I asked to see his phone and saw he had Google open so I wanted to look through his search history and he got super duper defensive and took his phone and refused to let me see the history. Then he deleted his history. That's suspicious. Like super duper suspicious and my mind was running wild and we were screaming at eachother.
Turns out (if he's telling the truth) he googled a lot of suicidal and depressed stuff (like "how to be happy", "can I ever be happy", etc.) And he just didn't want me to know he was feeling like that because I'm struggling and he knew I'd just push him to go to therapy. He doesn't like therapy and it's been 3 years of him agreeing to go and never going unless I make him. (I'm was on his butt about calling the insurance company and come Monday I'm going to make him call a therapist to make an appointment.)
He says he wants us to work out and yet he absolutely destroyed one of the cardinal relationship rules "being open and honest with eachother" so how badly can he actually want this to work.
He admitted to looking at his gun regularly and even putting it in his mouth. And he admitted later that he regretted telling me the truth. He wish he had just kept it to himself.
I just can't take it but I'm struggling so much and he's one of the only reasons I'm holding on. If I lose him I might slip into the abyss. But he's not making me happy. I can't be happy with someone that never let's me in.
I want to be happy with him but he hurt me last night. But I can't lose him.
*Please note* Do not recommend calling someone to forcibly admit him somewhere. It will not help. Something that drastic will make him shut down and he will literally never accept help. I know him and it will push him closer to ending it.
Written by
GhostKitty
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The pressures and tensions is not healthy for either of you and nothing will change unless one of you makes the call. I also recommend the 988 crisis hotline to get professional advice on what the next step looks like for both of you.
Its a difficult situation i must admit, but if you need an open phone policy i cant see how either of you have trust.
My late partner and I, we had great trust, and we never trespassed on each others personal space, and even though we could we never did, we could check emails and phone but it never accurred to us to do so., because i believe everyone has a right to privacy. We might live with someone, but we dont own them.
For whatever it might be worth, the possibility that something very hurtful is going on through his phone is not an "itty bitty" thing at all, in my view.
It seems that ur both on the edge of the cliff but in different parts of the cliff.
Honestly this is a lot to take in & understand on my part & it seems if he does or don't do something it will send U over but then if U push him it will send him over & it seems that its a relationship hanging on by a thread OR at least that's how it reads to me.
That's why I'm finding it hard to offer advice or even to advise a direction to go down.
I mean this with no disrespect do U both feel that ur both happy with the way things are ?
Maybe U both need separate help by talking it out , which is something U said U want him to do but he will rebel too.
I feel utterly useless but I'm sending every prayer & hope that U both learn & get better be it together as a unit or apart as sometimes it's simply not meant to be.
Nothing will change unless he admits to needing help and you two work out the challenges together. Will he agree to go to counseling with you?? He probably needs counseling for himself as well, but you said he won't go. I agree with the suggestion of calling 988 for advices.
The only way to find happiness is within yourself. You can't depend on someone else to give your life meaning. Do some self searching and discover what activities make you happy and pursue them. All you can do for your boyfriend is offer support and encouragement.
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Today my husband pushed me for the 100 time.
Keep getting flashbacks from the night my mother passed away.
Whenever my depression really gets me down 
my therapist told me to stop being so hard on myself
