Anyone have trouble loving a spouse deeply?

[AnxiousGirl678]

I was told by my husband (him trying to learn to be vulnerable and open) that he had feared telling me this for many years (married now 13y) that during year 2-3 he'd wake up in the middle of the night like nightmarish thinking as he woke and looked at me his feeling that he didn't know who this was he was married to. He shared that he fears he can't love me how I deserve to be loved. I'm working on patience as he learns to be open and vulnerable but he's practicing on a chat so I have anxiety daily not knowing if he's connecting with others and maybe a chat relationship or more. However he came from a divorced family he was 8y and he had to deal with things on his own and didn't have the parental and family love that I grew up with. I feel he's damaged greatly by his mom and he hasn't tapped into that yet. Can anyone who loves their spouse but maybe has a history of depression that understand this, fear of not being able to love your spouse deely, explain to me so I can try to understand my spouse.? Can I help him in some way?

[ANINREP]

Hoarding and sorting is very difficult for me

[Hidden]

I think I can relate. I don’t know if I can love my spouse deeply and I suffer from depression and anxiety. I’ve been wondering if I should divorce him bc I feel I am doing him a disservice. He also did something last year that has been very hard for me to forget and forgive and trust him.

[AnxiousGirl678 in reply to Hidden]

Is this not loving deeply because of your mistrust from something he did or your depression and anxiety. He tells me he fears his what if question of what if he cant ever love me how I deserve too.

[Hidden in reply to AnxiousGirl678]

Probably more the depression. I have like zero sex drive and he has stuck with me and I have tried to address it with my doctors but they have nothing to help. He says he doesn’t understand why I’m so affectionate with kids and not him. I have too much resentment against him. I don’t know. I’m not affectionate with any adults nor my parents or siblings or relatives. I’ve told him before what I need for him to love me the way I need to be loved but he doesn’t always do or can do. There is that book about the five different love languages. I haven’t read it but i suspect he and I have different love Languages.

[Clarebear86 in reply to Hidden]

I’m in this boat to at the minute. My husband betrayed me deeply and all I see when I look at him on those bad days is what he did, I’ve been thinking a while now that It’s no longer the end of the world if we seperate, but the effect it would have on our daughter would be devastating. I feel trapped.

[Hidden in reply to Clarebear86]

I understand. I feel the same. I have two little girls.

[HearYou]

Help yourself. A very common, ridiculous thing many men say is "It's not you, it's me." Nobody has a perfect childhood; many people have dealt with depression. You can't fix him, and why would you? It is very possible you are not a match made in heaven; and not even a match made on earth. Move on.

[Angep]

Hi, from what I read on your post it seems to me he does love you because otherwise he wouldn’t worry about not loving you how he feels you should be loved!! So try hang on to that!!🙏🏻 I think it’s so terribly sad how people are damaged because for what ever reason they haven’t been shown and seen what a loving relationship looks and feels like. If I was you in this situation I’d think Is the love he shows you enough for you to hang on too and ask him if he feels your love is enough for him for you to be able to keep your relationship together!! Living in a constant state of anxiety is an awful way to be. It’s just my opinion of course .

[Potcheroo]

Depression /anxiety numbs all your feelings even more so when taking medication. We are very sensitive to our thoughts and feelings, and anxiety is very cunning trying to make you believe something that isnt true.Dont let this cruel illness come between you, nobody walks round telling themselves they are deeply in love, the very fact that this thought bothers your husband shows that he loves you but the anxiety is blowing it out of proportion, I know because i have done it myself and made myself sick with worry. Tell your husband it is only a though and it doesnt mean its true.Hang on in there your marriage is worth holding on to , it is obvious that you want to help your husband and i wish you both well and hope you get to beat this horrible illness x

[AnxiousGirl678 in reply to Potcheroo]

He saw me looking at his phone yesterday. I have thought something might be going on with him and girl (s) on a kik (supposed) depression support chat (which he got off cuz of me but had a number and chatting still after that. I somewhat believe him in that he's trying to learn to be open and vulnerable but ive seen suggestive photos from girls in there which he can't control and has reported. I told him i read a journal entry of his because i was feeling bad that he said it was sad i feel i have to snoop. And I wanted to know what that meant with these girls. He's denied things other than friendship going on days/weeks before cuz of my paranoia/anxiety of it all. He was so mad at me and said i lost him i violated his trust and to stay out of his life. It was really bad. I texted him sorry and i love him etc. He was mean and asked how can he converse or ever trust me again. He said i'm worse than his parents ever were in that. All night, he slept in the guest room. He hasn't really talked to me today. I have noticed over the years that he may be damaged. He has let chat people in, to learn but he had never let me in much until the last few weeks after a thanksgiving big Arguement then. We've trtried to love, talk more and it's been great except for my suspicions and paranoia but i didn't know exactly what's been going on with him and other people. He now not going to his side of the family nephew party tonight. He says he's raw and can't go see/talk to people. I worry for our 4 kids, 2 of whom heard all this last night and cried to me. My kids need him, to spend time with him. He's been doing an mba and works full time and he's in holiday but this is where we are. He has seemed spacey and distracted at times in the last while and I think it's because of relationships on chat but dont know for sure. I don't know what to do. I'm so sad but can respect his need for space. Is hard though. I'm very loving affectionate person. Can anyone explain this damage/struggle of his? Can I do anything to help? How do I help my self? He was able to connect back with a girl he feels was good friends with him on chat after our big thing last night. He tried to show me messaging between them and said you are so threatened by her but when he reached out to her and told her i violated his trust she said for him to step back and see that he violated mine too. He has said she has been a person that shows she wants his marriage to work however she did send 2 lingerie odorous to him 3 weeeks ago that i saw, he reported her and said he was surprised she did that and she apologized. Any one have any advice for me?

[Potcheroo in reply to AnxiousGirl678]

Hi, I can understand how it must feel when it seems like your husband can't confide in you,but sometimes it is easier to speak with a stranger who suffers the same,both you and your husband are taking things out on each other and getting more and more emotional,you really need to talk without having a shouting match, if you feel that you can't talk then write a letter and be honest about your feelings and fears, I really feel that you are both suffering in different ways, but need to find a way to help and understand each others feelings,try to have a little time together just the two of you to try to get things better,sending my best wishes to you both x

[HearYou]

Whew. You had a great deal to say and you did it. You aren't talking really with one another.Pocheroo makes a lot of sense. I wish you the best. x

[Dogloverintucson]

He was practicing being open on a chat with others and not with you? With men or women? I would ask that he practice with a therapist or man friend but not with other women. Not that men and women can't be friends only and supportive but that he's questioning his relationship w you and chatting with women spells trouble if you ask me.

[AnxiousGirl678 in reply to Dogloverintucson]

Yes open with others. "Learning it" so he could do it with me. Men and women chat for depresssion support etc. I agree on the therapy. I think he is so damaged from childhood and closed up a long time before we met. He can't do a face to face with his struggles so the chat has helped him some I guess. He hasn't been vulnerable until recently post chat group but we have communicated better last several weeks. But after last night's arguement he needs his space today. Has hardly said much to me today. I wish he knew how much his needing space hurts me. I'm so sad right now. My eyes are so red. I'm so sad as he lays on the other sofa sleeping as we watch a movie with our 4 kids. He's not been vulnerable all those years to protect himself from being hurt but I love so greatly that time and time again he hurts me deeply by things like him needing space. Wish he'd take a chance on me. I would have loved to end the year beginning a new and leaving all the bad behind. I'm willing but he needs his space. 13 yrs of marriage and I don't think I'll get a much as a new years kiss tonight, I'm guessing cuz he wouldn't even let me be his head rest as he lays on the sofa. Needs space