Man o Man

Hello. I’m basically new to here. 2-3 weeks now. Any support group really. Im so disappointed in my family. I’ve ran my own business for 35 years but chronic anxiety hit in a big way in 95. Im 67 years old. Excellent a t most problem solving but understanding and finding solutions to being bi polar has been trouble. I ve coach youth teams. Organized and ran my own non profit helping the disadvantaged and worked as a painting contractor for some of the top people in the US, if not the world, when I lived in Los Angeles.

I love to have fun but solving serious issues takes serious thought and application. Everything I tried from 2003 to last year was met with not just apathy but downright hurtful actions. A lot bad things have happened and after 2 attempts on my own life. The last one was 90 pills that should have done the trick. Obviously God has other plans cause I shouldn’t be here.

Im so grateful to have finally found the help I needed to make things manageable and I kind of feel bad even talking about my family after hearing so many other’s stories.

Even though my family ignored my ideas, my cries for help fir just coming together to love on each other and help each other , Couldnt even get a family meeting. Pretty selfish bunch really. Others think their swell. They are still not willing to change their behavior. I moved near my son, his wife and 3 sons in the Dallas area . I needed those boys. The anxiety pain was immense. Cause I did what I did after once again being ignored I’m continuing to be punished.

I’m not a great man but a decent guy. I’ve helped so many people and just failed until now to find answers medically. Did all of those things with major challenges. You guys know those. Gettin out of bed can be a massive challenge. Turns out I was way under medicated. I needed my family then and still do. Quality time with my grandsons would be great.

Basically I told my family what they had missed and have done but their hidden behavioral issues makes them unable to look at themselves, which until they do (if ever) my life with those precious grand boys will be limited at best.

It’s absolutely killing be that I didn’t create all this but I’m made to feel like the bad guy. A story I ve heard way to much on my short time on here.

I told them that for the last 3 years years I had written a synopsis of things that had transpired and had thot heavily of getting it to their neighbors. Basically just expressing my frustration. Not ever planning to do it. Instead I finally told them all. Even that didn’t shake them up enough to see their crappy ass ways . Ruminations, anxiety and depression are seeping back in.

I m being punished for a crime I didn’t commit and want to either expose them as the absusers they are, but I’m a Christian and God would never approve. My other option is to walk away from them all.

My therapist just want me to do what will make me not regress after so much amazing progress..

As I said it’s all creeping back in.

Totally unacceptable

I realize their are no easy answers and I’m 90 % certain I will have to severely limit time and access. It’s minimal right now. . Probably completely. I can’t do it any other way. When I was diagnosed the therapist told them in a conference call that my brain works a 100 an hour faster than theirs. Something that I’ve used to have sucess but also can be a curse. My different meditation techniques get overpowered a lot.

Going backwards is not an options and for me and my very strong sense of right and wrong I’ll never be able to continue accepting their ways

Bummer!

Thanks for listening

[gajh]

Hello. I just wanted to welcome you. Thank you for sharing. You said. "My therapist just want me to do what will make me not regress after so much amazing progress." It is so encouraging that you have made amazing progress. I hope that continues for you.

[Hidden in reply to gajh]

Thanks so much gajh

[gajh in reply to Hidden]

You're welcome. I would like to hear about the amazing progress you have made, if you feel like sharing.

[Hidden in reply to gajh]

Well everything went from bad to waaay worse last year. Decided to check myself into a hospital. After they checked the oil and kicked the tires. They changed pretty much everything including my blood pressure med. lithium I had been on was affecting my kidney function so they removed that and introduced citropam and lamogagribe. The buspruone I was taking at 10 mg a dsy went to 60 a day. My anxiety which for 27 years was a 8-9 out of ten had spiked to a 15. Insomnia came in with a vengeance. Everything went to a 3 upon walking out after 4 days.

Yahoo!!

Did go thru a manic espiside and the downside of it from such a drastic med change and of course my new doc, myself and family all missed it. Pretty clueless with certain things. New wife left. Once thise leveled out I ve been darn good, except for my detailed environment.

As I explained to my wife and old therapist ( I changed after the hospital visit both therapist and phycratrust) as they kept telling me to accept the ignoring and manipulation that it would be worse to try and change it. I got extra sick cause of it. None of them thot it best. To me it is the only way to live. Right us right and cruel is wrong

It’s all good though cause I can breathe again

I have a new life and a plan to get back into helping others . I’m writing my story and experiences. We shall see if I have anything to say that might help someone.

The way I look at it. There has gotta be a reason for the pain and the journey to doing better. Started at 23 years old and I didn’t figure it out until 55 years old that I was a bipol.

Never could write worth a darn until my late forties.Tirally struggled in school. Now it just kind of flows on to paper.

Go figure

I’m thinking it’s God stuff

Why not? He has a track record. Why not me?

We shall see

Night

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Oops

Lamotrgine

[gajh in reply to Hidden]

That is so amazing that you had such a drastic change in 4 days. It is awesome that you are writing your story. Wouldn't it be great to help someone else? That would give some meaning to all you have been through. I am glad that you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. I hope that being on this site will help with your journey.

[Hidden in reply to gajh]

Thanks. I have to be careful what is normal and what is a manic episode. Most everything in my life has been big and bold, even my first go round with mania lasted a very rare and long amount of time. It’s been a year since the change , with 4 months of manic then depressive episodes and rapid cycling mixed in afterwards. My perception skills have always been keen, but those episodes can be tricky.

In regards to my own mental health I’m not nearly as savy as many.

I’d love to send someone or one’s something that I’ve written to see if I make sense and could possibly be on the right track.

I mentioned I writing an article on manipulation. I don’t have anywhere to send it so what happens with it is highly in doubt. More therapeutic than anything for now, so labeling it an article wasn’t quite right.

Well enough about me. Feel like sharing anything about you my friend?

[gajh in reply to Hidden]

I have depression and anxiety. I do not have mania. I never have any highs. Just the lows. I also have a hard time leaving the house. I have had depression and anxiety for most of my adult life, but it has gotten bad the past 4 years. I am on medications and in therapy. I am trying to do everything right. Diet, exercise, self care. Please feel free to share your writing here. There are people who post their poetry. One person posts their artwork. I am sure a whole article would be too long to post, but you could share some of it at a time if you wanted to. I have been on this site for over 2 months now. I am on it every day. I hope you find it as helpful as I have.

[Hidden in reply to gajh]

thanks for sharing. would you share how your anxiety feels?

[gajh in reply to Hidden]

I mostly deal with anticipatory anxiety. I get really overwhelmed when I have to leave the house. I think about it days in advance. I just can't calm down. I constantly think about it. I feel uneasy. It is mostly thoughts in my mind not physical symptoms. I just feel like I am not ok. Thinking about going out is always worse than actually going out for me. Knowing that never helps me out for the next time though. I just can't reassure myself that I am going to be fine going out. I can't just not think about it. The best way to distract myself is to get involved in a movie or show. What is your anxiety like?

[MindfulMoment in reply to gajh]

How’s the getting out been getting on lately?

[gajh in reply to MindfulMoment]

Hello. Thank you so much for asking. I am still at it. 2 weeks ago I was even planning on going to fair, but that fell through because my boyfriend hurt his back and wasn't up for all that walking. Instead we went to a movie. That was the first time in years. The next day I had my annual physical and after that we went out to dinner. So that was a lot 2 days in a row. Twice I have gone for walks outside by myself. I am trying to keep up the momentum and at least go out one other time per week other than therapy and LENS. It still is such an effort. I had to totally force myself to go out for the walks. I keep hoping it will get easier with practice. Has it gotten any easier for you yet? Does it ever become routine and not a big deal anymore?? How much longer do I have to force it? How are you doing??

[sabres4love in reply to gajh]

That is great that you were able to go out and do all of that! You should be proud of yourself. Even if was still a struggle, being able to follow through is excellent.

[gajh in reply to sabres4love]

Thank you so much!! I do feel proud of myself. I love sharing my success with people who understand. Other people just take these things for granted and have no idea what a struggle they are. Thanks again.

[MindfulMoment in reply to gajh]

I am SOOOO proud of you!!!! You are doing it!!!! It will get easier. I still sometimes feel anxiety when I first leave or when I drive somewhere or even when I first get somewhere but then it passes completely once I settle in. The anticipation of it is starting to go away because I know I’ll be alright once I settle. I still have a few places I’m avoiding. And I still don’t like the doctor. But I made an appointment to see a new psych and so far I don’t feel any anxiety about it. Normally I’d already be formulating how to get out of it lol. I am having really all good days these days with the exception of the week before my menstrual. It seems to kick up in full force for that week. But I think that’s pretty normal with the hormone changes. That’s what I’m gonna speak to the new psych about to see if there’s anything I can do to help that week. Other than that I would say I’m managing pretty good. I’m thinking more about what I’m wearing or what I’m gonna do rather than how I can get out of it lol. I still have places I “prefer” not to go but I can go with some anxiety still in tow. But I have other places I don’t even have to think about it. I can hop in the car and just do it without any thought necessary. I don’t know how long it will take you to push through but it doesn’t really matter. Accept where you are and however long it takes

[gajh in reply to MindfulMoment]

Wow!! It is so encouraging to hear how you are doing!! Mine is still the anticipatory anxiety. I don't really feel that much anxiety when I am out with my boyfriend. I do feel anxiety while I am out on my walk alone. That is great that you made an appointment with a new psychiatrist and you don't feel any anxiety about it. That is fantastic that you are having all good days with the exception of the week before your menstrual. I hope the new doctor will have some thoughts on how to help with that. That is great that you have places that you don't even have to think about it. Wow! To be able to do it without any thought necessary. So how long has it taken you to get to where you are? When did you first start overcoming this? I know it might be different for me, but I am just wondering to get an idea.

[MindfulMoment in reply to gajh]

To tell that story I’d have to back up a lot of years I’ll give you a short run down. When I was 22 I had my first panic attack. I had been experiencing anxiety for years but had no idea what it was. It took many years before my husbands therapist actually told me I was having a panic attack. I was about 24, 25. I started on medicine and for about a year I felt pretty ok. Then after that I started not being able to leave the house and had my 3rd baby. After that it all went downhill. Then about 9 years ago I lost a child. That was the worst of the worst. I started seeing a therapist. I was 30. I was doing so so ok making baby steps. Felt ok as long as I was home or going places I knew. Then about 2 years ago at 37 I stopped therapy and changed medications. It led to a total nervous breakdown beginning of July of this year. I started back on lexapro, got back into intense CBT and really started challenging all the boundaries. I think I felt like I had been to the bottom of anxiety and there was nothing down there but more anxiety.

[gajh in reply to MindfulMoment]

I am so so sorry for the loss of your child. That is unimaginable. My heart goes out to you. So it sounds like you have really only been challenging all the boundaries since about July of this year? Wow that really isn't very long. And I have the LENS neurofeedback helping me. I have three more treatments left. So I will just keep at it. Keep pushing through until I don't have to push through anymore. That will be an amazing day. Please let me know how you make out with your new psychiatrist and if he has any solutions for menstrual week. Please keep sharing your success it gives so much hope and encouragement. I really appreciate you. Thanks for checking in with me today. I enjoy talking to you.

[Hidden in reply to gajh]

Wow that sounds pretty rough. I've been reading your chats with others and am so impressed with your courage and progress.

My anxiety only has a small portion of anticipatory anxiety, so thank you so much for sharing. I'll be adding you to my daily prayer list for your continued progress and successes.

Best

[gajh in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much.

[litethatnevergoesout]

you have so much worth. so much to be proud of.

[Hidden in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Thanks so much lite!

[Sarge27]

my goodness…my heart really goes out to you. even though I don’t quite have your time or experiences, so much of what you’ve said has really hit close to home for me. You’re a good man, I mean it’s so easy to be out of touch with yourself and you’ve taken that by reigns and said no. I’m hoping for the absolute best for you!

[Hidden in reply to Sarge27]

Appreciate you Sarge

[Hidden]

Our thoughts and truths are never off track. That is so great that you gave him and him you. I gave an old girlfriend that J can talk to myself and do but doesn’t have a mental health challenge so that connection there isnt completely like what you described.

I sincerely appreciate your kind words

Please feel free to reach out if you ever feel like sharing “anything”

It is all real true life isn’t it

Compassion is a beautiful art form that needs to be practiced daily

Many aren’t capable

Those that are , are God’s gift to the disadvantaged and afflicted

[Hidden]

sorry for the type O’s. It’s late. Can’t sleep. Just told my son in a letter I can’t come around anymore

Sad day

[Mijmijkey74 in reply to Hidden]

Do you and your son not get along for you to tell him you can't come around anymore?

[Hidden in reply to Mijmijkey74]

No we basically get along. His wife is the problem

[Hidden]

I appreciate the heads up on the meds. As far as my letter. I’ve tried 3-4 times in a year to leave my son’s family’s and to their credit they haven’t allowed it. Problem is the problem my daughter in law has is non fixable unless she wanted to see it and even then probably not.

Folks live 3 doors down EVERTHING pushed their way. Met a tall beautiful in and out Texas gal. Fell madly in love. Became popular with my grandsons . Got married in 2021 and she slowly denied things tha had been happening . Told us would do a wedding party. Got married in Florida. You guessed it - never done. I got sicker and sicker . My educated guess is that we started to outshine her folks . Wife left cause I didn’t act right. Don’t blame her

I’m writing an article called

Manipulation- the hidden abuse

Just my luck huh? A mental patient needing help

I actually feel better when I separate myself.

Still taking care of my folks who are very frail. Daughter is awesome so I apologize for not being more descriptive.

Gonna miss those 3 boys though

I’m extremely self aware, that’s the only way I’ve been able to accomplish the things I have, My reactions to manipulation unfairness have been difficult for them but those came from her problem. It has manifested in my being as extremely harmful

I’m more than willing to adjust but can’t if only one side is playing.

My diagnosis if therapist said I was mildly bipolar and my environment has accentuated it

Best to stay away

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hidden]

"I’m more than willing to adjust but can’t if only one side is playing."

Yes. I know too.

[Nothing_but_books]

👍 100%