Officially out of limbo

[Imgarbage]

My wife called and told me that we are getting divorced . That there is no feelings for me. That we hurt each other too much. I knew it was coming you don’t just do what she did and abandon someone if you love them. I didn’t try to change her mind or get mad. And I supposedly hurt her by shutting down. That would be my depression/ defense mechanism for when she would do the things she would do and treat me the way she did but I didn’t say anything I’m just done and whatever she needs to tell herself to make herself feel better. I know shutting done was wrong but if I would of said something it would of got twisted around and been my fault and things would of been worse for me. I’m just done it’s kinda relief

[sophie4]

I am so very to learn about this..had to be somewhat traumatic to listen to a phone call like that one.

Shutting down makes all the sense in the world to me...I do this also.

Defense mechanisms, expressed in any way are necessary and important. Please don't be self-critical.

I'm sending my best hopes and wishes that life will begin to treat you much more gently.

sophie4

[Imgarbage in reply to sophie4]

Thank you!

[Nothing_but_books]

Hello. I'm sorry to hear your sad news.

Please think about your screen name. (I'm one to talk, huh?) I won't even greet you by that sad name -- you are hurt and doing your best to survive in a world that has wounded you. Shutting down, in the face of a history of your best efforts being twisted into wrongdoing... What else could you do? I have no words of comfort, I can only offer the bitter comfort of letting you know you are not alone.

[Imgarbage in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Thanks! Helps to know I’m not alone !

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Imgarbage]

We'll have each other's back, battling the big "D". 💔

[Agora1]

You know, it's interesting my friend in that sometimes the thing we fear most is

a relief when it does happen. The anticipation building up to that scenario is worse

than it happening. As sad as this may be, it is giving both of you a chance to explore life in a more positive way. Sometimes, relationships can hold us back and keep us in this cycle of anxiety and fear. You're now to start on the next Chapter of your life. I wish you well.

I wish you happiness in going forward. xx

[Imgarbage in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for insight and kindness

[Imgarbage in reply to Agora1]

Just curious I noticed the xx you straight edge?

[Agora1 in reply to Imgarbage]

I don't even know what that is. lol

Hope it's not bad. I just use that as my signature instead of Agora1

[Imgarbage in reply to Agora1]

No not bad LOL straight edge punk who lives by code of no drugs alcohol or anything bad for the body

[Agora1 in reply to Imgarbage]

Hmmm well I don't drink, I don't smoke and I've never done drugs

(except for what the doctor's prescribed) Maybe I am lol

[Marshall64]

Shutting down. That is what I do sometimes to. Some people might think it is being passive aggressive but it is not. It is just what I do.

At least now you know where you stand. Time to move on with your life and get a new username here...😋

[Don_in_midlands]

For you to feel relief would tell me that this is the right thing to happen. I hope that you can now look at what you might want to do in life, that marriage didn’t allow - I have a married friend who cannot even talk to their friends when his wife is home! I think sometimes, that shutting down is better than blowing up & having all-out arguments that hurt no-one but yourself. I also shut down most of the time - the odd time I do stand up for myself, I am seen as the ‘baddie’ 🙄

Best of luck with everything & you need to change your user name - you are not garbage that is thrown away - you are the next brand new version of yourself!

[Imgarbage in reply to Don_in_midlands]

Thanks for understanding

[Funkyfaerie]

Yes, please change your user name, it will be your first hit of positivity and a new start. You are not garbage! We all have had bad things, horrible sad things happen to us, but good things could be Just around the corner.I've always found that once you let go of all the past, then good things happen when you least expect them!

Best wishes

[Imgarbage in reply to Funkyfaerie]

Agreed! I believe good things will happen and I have stuff in the past to let go

[Hidden]

I'm so scared of mentioning ur name but I bet u have ur reasons for it. I just hope it is not rooted in your current predicament. Nevertheless I am happy that this is finally over and done with. In reading ur post, seems u anticipated this. Sometimes we get enxiety trying to force things that are already going dowmhill but that thought that cripples the heart for you is gone. U seem to be ready and I hope you will get as much support from all of us. We have ur back here.

[Imgarbage in reply to Hidden]

Thanks I do feel a bit used and thrown away again but I’m used to it and it was expected. I believe everything will be alright

[Hidden in reply to Imgarbage]

All I can hope is that history doesn't repeat itself

[PurpleSynesthesia in reply to Imgarbage]

Hi, I just joined this forum.Sorry to muscle in 😳!

Just wondered if you have ever watched Toy Story 4 & are familiar with a character named Forky?

I won't spoil anything for you, but it's all quite relevant to your screen name & you might find it oddly encouraging.

All the best xx

[Imgarbage in reply to PurpleSynesthesia]

I have not watched it. Now I’m intrigued I’ll have to watch it thank you

[PurpleSynesthesia in reply to Imgarbage]

😊😊😊

[SirGrits]

Hey Im, sorry for the tough news. I sent out a prayer for you. I don't think this roller coaster is over, so steal yourself for the next corkscrew or drop. Try to not to feel too bad about what you said on the phone call; there's no right or wrong way to respond. Your wife doing it over the phone like that is pretty bush league anyways.God speed bro.

[Imgarbage in reply to SirGrits]

Thanks

[Mimi1957]

I say this with the utmost respect and compassion. Perhaps this is a time when you can build up your perception of yourself. It looks to me that User name you've created is telling of how you feel about yourself because that's the way you are afraid people in general see you. It's also a way of protecting yourself from hurt. If you call yourself a derogatory name first, it may keep others from expecting anything other than that. I think it also is an invitation for people to counter by telling you that you're not and to say all the good things they see in you. The only problem with those two effects is that they aren't real. Those people would be responding to what you advertise as your deficits.

The best way to build yourself up to be the man you actually are is to acknowledge the positive aspects of who you are. If you do something you aren't too proud of, just remember that we all make mistakes. That's how we learn. I have literally patted myself on the back when I realized I screwed up and said, "It's alright Mimi, you did your best in the moment. Try again. Compassion for ourselves is, in my opinion, the number one step in our Recovery. recovery lasts a lifetime if we're lucky. Recovery is full of compassion and patience and hope and acknowledgement.

Your wife may be gone and of course you're in pain BUT with her should go her opinion of you. You are left with you. You are left with all those great and not so great things that are you. One must practice being kind to one's self and consistent with positive self talk. Eventually you won't be feeling like you're faking or reading a script from, The Waltons.

What happens is that you override and REPLACE other people's (and your own), negative talk towards you (past and present) and put in place your own good opinion about who you really are.

It's not a fairytale. I can promise you that. When you get stuck, imagine yourself at six years old. Would you ever allow an adult to talk to a six year old the way you talk to yourself?

I should think you would take care of that six year old and protect him. Well, even though that six year old has grown into a man, the wounds that were inflicted by life are just as painful. that six year old is still a part of you. but now you have the tools to build yourself up to an emotional level at which you have never been. It's a hard and wonderful journey. I know. I've done it. I am my own best friend now.

You deserve to be that for yourself, too.

🙂