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Anxiety Isolation: Am I wrong or are my friends/brother not that supportive?

Meyer_Gdmnx
Meyer_Gdmnx

Hi guys I’m just looking for some objectivity regarding this I know it’s not really a health issue but it’s a causation of an anxiety disorder. To start off I’m 21 years of age and have been out of work and out of doing things with my friends for a year due to my anxiety disorder and lack of income. My friends and twin brother know this and have been less than supportive in my opinion. So to start it off when I told one of my friends that I’d left my job his response was “your life is just basically meaningless now then” which he has since apologised for but not directly to me. He has later been supportive at pints by talking to me about it (only when I bring it up) but this is very rare and he just usually says things like you have to push through. Which is true in some ways. As a small caveat I know that it’s difficult for people without having anxiety to understand it so I’m sympathetic in that way however there has been no real attempt to do things just for me or take me out or anything In that way for that matter. I wouldn’t be to bothered about this because I understand people have their own lives etc and I don’t want to seem selfish and it’s alright if you read this and think I am as I said I’m trying to get an objective view on this. But they and I have been supportive countless times in other ways for the other’s in the group. And yet nothing for me? I don’t understand I know I shouldn’t be dependent on them but nothing? I mean not coming round to see how I’m doing if anything they avoid me. Any reply on this would be greatly appreciated I understand it’s a lot to read just need some objective advice

14 Replies
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Hidden
Hidden

I think when people don’t understand they kind of avoid it or just find a standard response( I often hear just calm down) and really that’s what I’m trying to do by talking to that person but when that’s all they say it gets irritating... But from a realistic view, have you tried to reach out?(going out to events, returning calls, being social) sometimes I think people don’t want me around, but at the same time I’ll “miss” their calls or texts( sometimes come up with excuses) because I’m to down to go do something.

Meyer_Gdmnx
Meyer_Gdmnx in reply to Hidden

Thank you for your reply. Yes I think I definitely could make more of an effort to do go to events etc and that is something I’m working on. However I feel they know I struggle doing that so maybe could take some time out of their week to see how I’m doing as I have done for them previously. But when I say that I feel selfish

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Meyer_Gdmnx

Yeah I know it’s hard, it feels like you’re not really welcome anymore or something along those lines.. but it is a two way street, maybe you’re just a better driver when it comes to showing that you care how someone is doing (more in touch with emotions) .. I think that’s perfectly normal to desire being invited, talked to, etc. (even if it is a little selfish).. But we can’t expect everyone to be as caring as we often are, even if they do care about you. maybe they just don’t show it in the way that you need right now..

Meyer_Gdmnx
Meyer_Gdmnx in reply to Hidden

Thank you for your reply it was very helpful and interesting/enlightening

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Meyer_Gdmnx

Yeah don’t let those feelings push away your friends. even if you don’t feel like it try and show your face every once in a while if you can. If you come to the conclusion you’re better of without some of them then that’s fine, but don’t let the anxiety make the choice for you.

I find that people just go on with their lives. Mayb they are not even aware how they are making you feel. I think you have to say something versus assuming they know what your needs are.

All you are asking is for someone to take interest in your life. If they can't meet that are they really worth fighting for,

I also agree with Toshy that you have to make the effort to be available, which I know is hard having anxiety.

Same. I have work anxiety, I am a lawyer and I want to find a less stressful job, because I just can’t live like this. Neither my parents nor friends understand me.

Their not being supportive, that's Normal unfortunately because they want it to go away and don't want to hear it. I'm going through that with my own kids, who live with me and barely talk to me. I always tell new people to get counseling instead of talking to friends and family, it hurts relationships. I pretend everything's good.

It's truly sad to have to hide it, but I do it too. People don't get it. The people that don't get it but think they DO are the worst. The ones that talk down to you: "Everybody gets stressed out." "If you had to deal with XYZ, you'd know what REAL anxiety is." etc. I'm already full of anxiety and thinking poorly of myself, I don't need someone else's judgment too. Isolation is sometimes a necessity, but that can escalate matters.

My advice to Meyer_Gdmnx - At least make an appearance here and there IF YOU CAN or people will stop inviting you. (I know this from experience.) Or maybe ask someone to come to your house and accompany you to the destination of the next meet-up with your friends. If they can't do that for you, then maybe it's time to re-evaluate your friendships. That can be a hard idea to swallow, but sometimes in life you have to cut people out, whether you're dealing with a mental health issue or something (anything) else.

~~ My Objective Opinion - Your good friends should be supportive, especially if you're straight up asking them for it. They should at least be kind and not mock you.

Thanks for writing, it's unfortunate that when it comes to mental illness because they Can't SEE it, they lack EMPATHY. One of my kids is learning disabled, but is treated differently, they don't believe it? The schools and the state have tested her. Isolation from my kids works for us. We have minimum conversation. I have/had a friend of 40 years, we've barely spoken, it began with her crossing the line. Otherwise the anxiety part, she was sending me tips on dealing with it. I don't contact her, I let her contact me. She a Know It ALL. I'm going to be 65 I don't care or have time for other people's opinions, it's Best to stay to myself. I write to this site to vent. So it's US against the WORLD?

Set boundaries

If people can't deal with it then walk away.

I'm doing this with friends and family. It seems to be working.

I have recently dealt with about the same issue I had been going through a bit of anxiety and opened up to a friend about it. My friend had dealt with depression in the past and has the notion that it just shouldn't exist as she got over it and if she could so should everyone. Once I opened up she started to ignore me after spending most of our free time together. Eventually she let me knwo that my depression was bringing her down as well and that she felt I had to learn how to cope with things on my own. I too did not understand why it did not seem like she wanted to help with anything but suggesting therapy as that is what works for her but 5 years later she is still seeing a therapist. Instead of expecting them to come to you with things to do maybe try making plans yourself and see if they would join you. Some people just do not cope well with dealing with a friend with anxiety or depression because they can feed into your pain especially if it is someone who cares about you.

Hi

You have had some really useful thoughtful answers from everyone.

You come across as a mature, balanced person and I think you will be able to use these answers and move forward.

Others can feel awkward and uncomfortable about anxiety and depression. You can help them with this by telling them where you are at but keeping it light and short and try to join in and show them you can still have a good time with them even if you have to fake it abit.

If you can, find ways to let them know you appreciate their friendship whenever possible. You may secretly feel they could do more but if they feel valued or subtly praised for any even slightly positive response they are likely to do it more because it makes them feel good about themselves to be appreciated.

Research has shown that the people we are most likely to see as good friends are the ones we have helped not the ones who help us.

Good luck

Kim

Thanks to everyone for taking the time out to send your great replies it was very helpful

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