Can anyone relate?

[Muffinlady182]

Hello. This is my first time posting here because I am trying to find support and/or advice. I have been going through some really bad mental issues lately and I am just feeling alone. I love my wife and we have been married for almost 10 years. I somehow convinced myself that she did not love me anymore, when she was telling me straight to my face that she did love me, etc., I was not seeing it and wanted to hurt myself physically. I then could not get myself to do it and then made a choice to cheat on her instead for self-sabotage. After slowing snapping out of it, I realized now that I should have communicated with her in my feelings before making any choices. I love and will always love my wife. I told her what was going on after the fact, but this could have all been avoided if I just trusted that she could handle my deep darkest thoughts. Now the trust is gone between us and we are currently separated. I am now in therapy and taking medication now. She is currently also in therapy and seeking help for her sadness/depression that I have caused her. She wants to continue to be friends for now and work on ourselves first. How can I live with this horrible mistake and seeing her in so much pain?

It is so hard for me to work on myself when she is my world outside of these dark thoughts of mine. I have been struggling with these thoughts now for about 6 months. I have found happiness in activities that we have done together and now I feel like there is no purpose for me anymore. I have apologized and have told her that I was not thinking clearly and did not think of the consequences of my actions.

I am now feeling so anxious and have anxiety attacks randomly because I just want her back. I want her to take me back. I feel like I cannot work on myself until I know my future, honestly. I now understand my triggers and will always be open with her now. What is hard is I have had these feelings off and on through the years and never spoke up, so now how is still supposed to want me back when she might always be wondering if I am not telling her something? All she wants right now is time and space, but that is so hard for me to give it to her since we never have had any boundaries. She was the best wife anyone could ask for and now I am trying to find a support system to continue to help me through this time. Has anyone ever had a similar experience happen to them? How am I supposed to continue life without her? She has been the one who has helped me in the past when I also suffered from anxiety attacks.

[litethatnevergoesout]

time.

[Montana136]

Muffin lady, Slow down! Breathe! Do not bug your wife with your problem she needs time and space she told you that. I think that if you pursue or bug her repeatedly about wanting her back and you're sorry, you will drive her further away. I am female 57 major depressive disorder general anxiety disorder PTSD for over 40 plus years.

If I was your wife I would want you to respect my space even though it is making you crazy. What you should consider is yes there is life beyond your wife, if that's what happens.

I find myself in a awkwardly similar situation with my 20 ye old daughter. I became mentally frazzled and unwell and I had to send her to my mother 3 miles away.

She resents me, she does not trust me, she does not respect me and she cannot express affection or even compliment me. I want her back so bad!! I literally have been working on visiting and in enhancing our relationship for three and a half years. I constantly think about my daughter I am overwhelmed with how many thoughts I have and how many times I want to say I'm sorry, forgive me, love me, and take me back. But I have really have had to have major self-control and acceptance that she has healing to do and her healing comes in her own time. just like your wives healing will come in her own time, you cannot control others no matter who they are.. Just like your healing will come in your time.

When I'm having those frazzled anxiety attacks about not being closer to my daughter sometimes I do reach out to her and talk to her about things maybe she doesn't want to talk about but I do it sometimes because I am freaking out. I personally don't think it's a good idea and I must stop this behavior.

But if you really think about it, it is pressure on the other person and they don't need or want that either. It can drive them in the opposite direction of you.

I hope something I said connects with you I've been in her position as a man I love cheated on me AND I've been in your position where I'm so frazzled overwhelmed or emotional that I screw things up, badly sometimes.

Try to distract yourself from those overwhelming thoughts I know it is very hard I have to do it all the time myself. I utilize TV movies when I can read, I try to read short articles. Read about breathing exercises and the amygdala. It will explain how deep controlled breathing exercises can literally calm you down. It does take practice. There are a lot of natural like remedies to soothe anxiety. Please go easy on yourself and her she needs time. These are all suggestions of course and some of my own personal experience, so take what you want and leave the rest. Slow down a little bit, take care and be well.

Montana 👍🌞

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Montana136]

patience and understanding go the longest way

[Muffinlady182 in reply to Montana136]

Hi Montana,

Thank you so much for your response. I really needed this. It is very very scary to think about life without my wife, but I ultimately did this and need to give her the space and time that she has asked for now. I am still holding on to a little hope that she will want me back.

Also, thank you for sharing your experience with me about your daughter. It is very hard for me to not run to my wife like you run to your daughter, but I can't do it anymore. If I do it one more time or mention anything about the situation to my wife, she said she would leave for good. I know it does not help their mental health either. When I am not being frantic, I understand this.

I found connection in plenty that you said. I am glad that I am not alone in acting very manic when my anxiety kicks into gear. I am trying to distract myself, but sometimes it is hard. I am really working on this since I have no where else to go for support. I will take it much slower now and be easy on myself.

[optimismrus]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Sometimes we have to hit bottom in order to start peeling away the layers of defense we have built in order to protect ourselves. It's good you're in therapy because now all the pain is forcing you to deal with it. Understand that your wife is not the answer. The answer lies within you and you are about to start a journey into unlayering the defenses that no longer serve you. It's a good thing. Use the tools available to you: vent on this website, read, keep a journal, and do the homework your therapist asks you to do. And whatever you do don't give up on yourself. You're not a victim and you're about to start a new improved chapter in your life - embrace it! 🥰

[Muffinlady182 in reply to optimismrus]

Hi Optimismrus,

I wish I did not hit rock bottom like this though. There could have been other ways around my feelings than just doing the worse for my wife. I could have trusted her with my thoughts and could have gotten help much sooner. I suppose you live and you learn though. I am definitely learning from my mistakes and will never do something like this again to anyone.

Thank you for your words.