Recurring Problem

[Billsfriend]

I've been trying to comfort myself by encouraging others and it does help me.

Right now I could use some honest feedback. I love my wife, and want very much to be a kind and loving husband, but I find myself frequently frustrated and sometimes I don't like the way I act.

I started paying attention to the interaction between my wife and myself. Here is what happened today.

We had a 10 hour drive today, I did most of it because she doesn't like to drive. The last hour was in stop and go traffic, with one driver being especially aggressive. It was late, the road dark ( in rural areas) , and I was getting frustrated at the poor visibility fearing I might hit a dear or something. Did I mention I was tired? I mentioned it to her 3 times because I could tell I wasn't getting through to her.

My wife wanted me to turn at an intersection, but I wasn't sure if it was a legal turn, I expressed my concerns and told her I was more comfortable turning at the light.

As we passed her turn she starts demanding I turn, I told her it was too late for me to turn. She became upset and complained until we parked about 3 minutes later. I didn't tell, but I wanted to. In the past, I would've warned her once or twice and then I would've ended up yelling and feeling guilty.

I know that she isn't acting out of malice, she is not self aware. She is also not very good at accepting feedback from the environment, especially me. I know I have to learn to not be goaded to anger.

Please! Any ideas?

[Sillysausage234]

Tell her to drive next time

[Dolphin14 in reply to Sillysausage234]

That sounds reasonable.

[Sillysausage234 in reply to Dolphin14]

Back seat drivers get my bloody blood boiling ..on reflection I think driving for 10 hours is too much..ide be hallucinating after 7 hours nowadays....but hey ...road safety advice is a sore subject for me 😬...word to the wise ...don’t ever tell someone with road rage to slow down

[Billsfriend in reply to Sillysausage234]

Wow, I know you're definitely right about provoking someone who is already enraged!

Thank you for your input!

[Billsfriend in reply to Dolphin14]

Thanks so much for your input!

[Billsfriend in reply to Sillysausage234]

Her driving scares me, so that doesn't work, but I really do appreciate your input.

[Dolphin14]

Idk if this helps or not. But when I drive my husband tells me how to drive. When he drives I tell him how to drive.

I think it's a marriage thing.

[Sillysausage234 in reply to Dolphin14]

Yeah it’s healthy to just point out little flaws 😊..punchbags are good for relieving any pent up anger when you get home maybe

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Sillysausage234]

I have a punch bag.

However I used to watch my parents do this. Granted it was due to different reasons; Illness, age, medication, and so on. My dad used to tell me quietly ‘shut your mouth’. In those three words he meant daydream, ignore, talking makes it worse, go to your happy place, will you remember this exact moment in 5 years and will it change your life, is this the hill you want to die on?

I think I’m going to tattoo it on my wrist. My first tattoo at age 56. Shut your mouth. Just so I can remind myself this is not the hill I need to conquer or die on.

Now you said she is not self aware. So I must assume she’s either like this with other things and it’s a brain thing or she’s afraid of your driving.

My inclination would be to bring your communication issues up as a joint issue at a quiet time. Ask her to think about ways she thinks the two of you can bring it together without finger pointing or kitchen sink arguing and no shutting each other out. Give it 72 hours or so and begin your trials of things that might work. If it doesn’t you can throw it away. If even a part of it works then keep it until something better comes along.

Best of luck to you both.

Doaty 💛

[Billsfriend in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Your dad is a Very wise Man. I've tried talking, but it only makes things worse.

I know I need to learn to Shut Up, and I am practicing that today.... so I feel defeated. I think it's going to just take time

[Billsfriend in reply to Dolphin14]

That sounds like us, now that you mention it. I do try to tell her how to drive, I am more fearful then she is especially on wet curves.

I see better than her too and try to warn her of pot holes and any danger which she doesn't react to.

I think that does explain the driving thing!

[Booklover0219]

What is it about married couples and driving? My husband and I have experienced these issues at times also. Do you guys communicate well at other times besides during driving? Is it possible to use humor when you feel like getting angry? Is it possible to have a talk about it and set some ground rules with each other about driving? I think it’s ok to give helpful suggestions to the person driving but it’s not ok to to pressure or annoy the driver.

[Billsfriend in reply to Booklover0219]

Well we are working on it and will continue to do so. I have to admit that I believe I am more on time with driving than my wife. I take into account, wet roads, the condition of my tires, curves and most importantly what I observe other drivers to be doing. I give wide berth to aggressive and sloppy drivers, and when I see an obstacle to the driver next to me, I assume that they might not see me and change lanes, especially if I am in their blind spot. My wife does not respond to these same things.

I change tires more frequently to allow a little extra safety.

I have found myself hydroplaning in puddles and corrected my speed. She doesn't feel the slippage of the tires.

I used to drive professionally, She never has. I never hit a pedestrian stepping out from behind a parked car, and as you probably know she has.

So it's not just Male bravado, it is anchored in reality.

Sorry, it's not a politically popular position, but sometimes that's how it is.

[Billsfriend in reply to Billsfriend]

In reading my response, I can see how angry and defensive I am.

Even going so far as to strike out against you, an innocent bystander trying to help me.

I do apologize, I AM more full of anger then I realized. Now that I know it, I can seek help with it.

Again, apologies all around, and thank you for taking the time to talk with me

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Billsfriend]

I think you’ve got this one. Maybe she feels like it is male bravado though. We women can be very touchy. I dislike that my husband thinks I can’t walk through the parking lot alone. I got this big boy. I didn’t take one on one combat training for nothing. I am very aware of my surroundings. Maybe it’s her woman thing?

[Billsfriend in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Really she likes being taken care of. She's just tired of me telling what to do and how to do it. We bought ice cream today. It was double what the sign said, but I kept quiet. Later she said I should have told her.

I replied that I'm trying to stop telling her what to do. She laughed and said that that was a good idea.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Billsfriend]

Some people are better than others at driving. It's like that with everything in life.

My husband thinks he's the best driver in the universe. Honestly that irks me lol. So, it's no wonder we get into it in the car. We've been married over 30 years. It's just something we do. The boxing gloves go on in the car hahaha. It doesn't bother either one of us. We are able to let it go.

It sounds like yours is a little deeper than that? Is there a core issue going on right now? Is this about more than driving?

[Billsfriend in reply to Dolphin14]

It's about absolutely everything. She is just plain tired of me telling what and how to do things. She is struggling with her smart phone now. I am determined to let her decide if she wants my input. It's hard to listen to her struggling, but I have to do something different than what I already know, makes things worse.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Billsfriend]

So she’s viewing you as a know-it-all? She’s getting irritated.

Don’t you dare say a word about her new phone. I promise you that phone will end upside your head.

In the interest of my love of the great men in my life may I humbly suggest you go grey rock. Have no opinions and make no suggestions. I don’t know how old she is but if you want this marriage give her space.

Just because she’s struggling or going through changes does not mean she wants your comments.

I will tell my husband I’m ‘irrationally irritated’ or ‘hormonal’. She is not as aware. For a bit just back up.

People do things differently but it doesn’t make it wrong. I’m going to bet she’s feeling nit picked whatever you mean by just talking. So.... grey rock for two weeks or more.

Just my thoughts.

[Billsfriend in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

This is REALLY good advice that I know will work. I am implementing it now. I did take the time to tell her what I'm doing ( so she's not worrying something is wrong)

And I did tell her that it would work. She bought into it, too!

Thanks for your excellent advice, now I have to Google grey rock, never heard that before!

[Billsfriend in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Duh I thought I was the Narcissist. I need constant reinforcement that things are okay ( that used to be her thing!)

And that I'm okay, Actually she has been grey rocking me !

Gotta do something to change the situation though, and this is it!

Strangely enough I have been lurking here, testing the waters, and seeking positive reinforcement since I can't get it from her, and don't want to go outside my marriage.

I've spent the last 5 hours on here, she came around looking for attention, but I have been very busy , and so minimally responsive to her.

Tell me this isn't weird, you suggested that I use a technique I never heard of, I realize that I have been doing it, she is already acting differently. I always crave being soothed, she almost never does, and today she came to me and started stroking my leg!!

Strange No?

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Billsfriend]

I hope it continues to go well with all my heart❤️

[NeuronerdDoaty]

My husband puts his foot through the floor for the breaks when I’m driving. I think the break petal is a suggestion. Lol!

[Billsfriend in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

When I have a passenger I always moderate my driving so I don't scare them. She doesn't, and she doesn't want to. I avoid letting her drive, which pleases her anyway.