Please pray for me! I will be leaving my home Sunday evening as my wife wants to try a separation because she said she loves me but she is not IN love with me anymore. We have 2 young children. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I have been in a very strong episode ever since 11/1/19 when she told me she was having these feelings. I missed work yesterday and today because I can’t stop breaking down. Everything at my house is now a trigger including just looking at my children. I have experienced the lowest point in my life and I have been having thoughts that I have never had. I will be packing up some belongings Sunday and moving into a friend/co-workers extra bedroom. I do not want to get a divorce, I want to keep my family and I love my wife. This experience has brought me very close to god and our relationship has grown exponentially but I am in sooooo much PAIN and I am so lost in this deep depression. My episodes come in waves now that can be minutes apart, meaning for 10 mins I am strong and then 10 mins later I am crying as hard as I can without the ability to stop. My brain feel heavy like there is a belt wrapped around and someone is tightening it and my heart feels like it is being pierced with a dull butter knife. I know I will get though this with god carrying me so here is what I would like you to pray for: I don’t need a prayer that we will get back together as god will decide that, the prayers I need is to ask god to ease the suffering and shorten the length of time...
Prayers needed!: Please pray for me! I... - Anxiety and Depre...
We tried to stay in the same house but my depression and anxiety is getting triggered when I look at her or her cell phone wondering if she talking to someone or when I look at my kids and so on and so on. It’s better for my own well being to remove myself for a while. I will return on Saturday mornings and she will leave until Sunday night so I will be home for weekends. The plan is 6 weeks or end of January. If she hasn’t figured it out by then I might be forced to.
If you have diabetes it can deepen your depression and anxiety. I know this from experience. I have had to change my diet radically as the drugs did not control blood sugar. Some drugs may not help if you have a metabolic disorder. I know the emotional problem is uppermost but if you can have other checks on your blood sugar and other blood tests such as B12 and folate deficiency iron or vitamin d deficieny can make you extremely depressed. Think you need physical help with your problem. You are worried that there is someone else . This may seem paranoid, but you do have a right to know if someone else is in the wings. Paranoia and depression can go hand in hand especially with underlying diabetes. No need to reply.
Hi Boomba. It is nearly Christmas. It seems as if this is rather an unkind of year to be breaking up. You know emotions are fragile around this time. As you are much older and children have grown up, I cannot see why you should leave just now. I don't know what you do normally for Christmas but it is important to be friends even in the wake of a separation. Your wife might change the locks on the door as soon as you leave.
If you are the first named account holder for payments, then you are the one who
picks up the tab. If the children were younger, I could understand her point of view but still not accept that you have not acted harmfully or done anything to hurt her.
It must feel like a discarded shoe. I know this seems hard, but the decision to find a job, and now to make the family home hers is debatable.
Think Mary is right. May be you could make a flat from the upstairs by having a separate locked bedroom and an adjoining bedroom as a living area? I am sure you can work things out, so you have your foothold in your home which has been supported by your work throughout your life. This option will ensure you have your separate living accommodation but you can still get on amicably, without pressure.
In the next few weeks you could replace the lock, and may be clear out the other bedroom into a separate living space. I am sure you can work through this. Have seen other couples do this.
Take some time and break things down on paper this will help you get everything that's on the inside out. when you have another break down explore your thoughts not so much your feelings thoughts are what bring about feelings. what are your thoughts on this situation try as hard as you can to separate your emotions from the situation. which thoughts are causing you to break down. what are your plans to hold yourself together so that you can function. so far you made plans to move out the house. write all those things down in their own sections-Thoughts, Plans, and Feelings. Then put your feelings in categories Fears, Disappointments, Hopes. doing this will give you some control over the hurt most of the time our deepest hurt comes from our fears and disappointments being able to identify them helps us to stand up to them. we stand up to our fears and disappointments by identifying them then taking them to God and over time he works with us to get through them. take this opportunity to grow your relationship with God. Forgive your wife for the hurt and confusion this may has caused you take this time to work on making a better version of yourself not through the eyes of man but through the eyes of God. Start from there and you're sure to go on one heck of a journey if you can really reach in there the process is phenomenal where not even disappointments will burden you because all you will be able to see is God's hands at work in your life. I pray you make it there I sometimes find myself asking Gods what's next excited to face the next storm with him.
Thank you and this is an amazing reply. I understand you 100% and I am in gods hands. I always thought I was close to god but this storm has taken our relationship to an entirely new level. What I have realized is that i didn’t understand god at all to this point. I have been studying and listening to Joyce Meyer on you tube. Her voice and messages are the only thing that helps when I am having a depression episode.
The problem I am having is that I know what I must do but my faith is not as strong as I thought it was. It’s like I am just starting my journey with God. I know he is holding me now and guiding my path and his will be done. I also know I will come through this and be a much better person on the other side.
This clinical depression and anxiety sometimes takes over and it seems like nothing I can do will stop it.
It comes in waves like they are crashing on the rocks! One moment I am at peace and then the next I’m overwhelmed with hopelessness and sadness and dread.
When I am not in an episode I am strong and clear minded, when I’m in an episode all logic and reason is gone and only horrible thoughts of despair enter in.
I have had depression and anxiety for 13 years. My treatment has been successful and I have not had an episode that has lasted more than a week since the beginning. I am currently going on 6 weeks right now and it’s as bad as ever.
well now you're in a place to get some serious work done dig in and feed your spirit strengthen you're faith don't give no energy (fear, doubt, or worry) to the situation at hand or any other situations as God is our father we dont have no need to worry about anything look at situations as the obstacles that they are and not as an impending doom. obstacles have solutions emotions block our ability to see solutions. when you spot those feeling coming down on you start praising God, start thinking him for any and every thing you can think of I mean even down to the air that you breath then the spirit of hopeless and despair will go away start speaking God's promises into the atmosphere do you know what his promises are? Have you ever heard these sayings life and death are in the power of the tongue, out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, as a man thinks so is he. Don't let your feeling dictate how you see life and yourself nor how you see others I tell you this feeling are deceiving. we are supposed to tell our bodies what to do not the other way around for instance you feel hopeless but you know that you're full of Hope so in this instance what do you go by what you feel or what you know. if you accept what you know it will shut down the feeling. but if the feeling comes and you lean into it you will be over taken by it and its an aweful experience. shut it down immediately speak my hope is in God he is more than able to do all things, he loves me he stands by me and keeps me because he loves me. I know he loves me because he made me in his image among all other things in the earth he gave me his image and likeness, he loves me and he cares about my life and everything in it, I've given myself to him and he will hold me, he is holding me together I don't accept no other reality for this is my truth. Listen we wrestle not with flesh and blood but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
I enjoy listening to Joyce Myers also some other pastors that can help nourish your spirit is Dr Myles Monroe he is no longer with us but he left behind a great body of, TD Jakes, keep praise music playing, download Bible app that reads the words to you, I would sometimes let it play while I slept that would give me really peaceful dreams. I'd do the same thing with praise music
Hi Boomba. My prayer is that we pray to help ourselves. Can you think back to the early days of your marriage and then your children were born. Did you feel displaced in your wife's affections as the children were growing up? Is there an in- law who is coming between you and your wife? The illness you have has not been treated ? The first thing is blame. You are blaming yourself for your mental health problem. you know you are having alternating moods but do you know why? Have you any other lifestyle behaviour such as alcohol, or other health problems? Have you come to a stage when you cannot talk to your wife any more. Can you see how her life has difficulties with health tiredness, continual caring of children broken nights? Does your wife understand the effect it may have on your family when you leave? You probably need a therapist. The problem is if you leave your home, your feelings may be even worse staying with a friend. You might find a shoulder to lean on won't be there for ever. Is there any family member you can talk to who understands you?
I do hope you can try to talk to your wife, and listen to how she feels and why she is not in love with you, and stay your ground. Then by not over reacting, leaving the room as you cant control your feelings, may be say, I guess our expectations of happiness are different. Do you think a holiday as a family, might help you both relax? How are you going to cope with the finance of the home and family? I pray you can find someone you can confide in, so you can learn to control your emotions, and find perhaps a medication which will help.
Wow there is a lot here let me try and answer some of these for you:
I was diagnosed 13 years ago I take 5 rx’s for all my conditions. I have been stable without episodes for more than 6 years. Yes we grew apart while she was at home raising 2 kids 18 months apart. Yes I saw a physiatrist for more than 3 years before it just became a prescription visit. All was going well up to a couple months ago. My wife got a part time job, kids started school and she realized that the void in her life was 100% filled by the kids and now they are not with her 100% of the time she had time to reflect on herself and our marriage and feels like she isn’t getting the void filled all the way. The last thing I want to do is leave but we tried to figured it out in the last 30 days and she said her feelings aren’t changing. This is not the first step toward divorce but a last measure to save our marriage. I don’t have any issues with alcohol or any other substances, however she drinks more than I would like to see. I understand the feelings my wife is having I just don’t believe a divorce is warranted rather open communication and a focus on each other’s needs.
I know this is probably not what you want to hear right now but the hardest thing to learn is that you need to be strong for you. You need to learn to find happiness in yourself. The expectation that we can draw this from other people, even the people we love and are closest to is harmful to people like you and I. Im still battling to learn this. I need to learn to be okay on my own. Then I can be okay for the people around me and everything will fall back into place. Till you get there, I'll be praying for you and know that you are loved by your wife and kids. Falling in and out of love is easy, but just simply loving a person doesn't just go away. Have faith that you can revive that love once you learn to love yourself enough and if you don't revive what you and your wife have, then you have learnt to love yourself enough to be okay. All the best ❤️
My wife left me Sept 12. Abandoned me and moved several hours away. She disappeared with no warning. Left a 5 page letter. I have felt this pain you have. I feel it also in waves. I call it the darkness. I have depression and anxiety symptoms. I move through my day with a fake presentation. I have found myself calling crisis hot lines. I have started my own therapy because the therapy professionals did nothing for me. I look at the present. When I think of the future it triggers very terrible thoughts. It has been almost three months. I am starting to feel better. You need to protect your base. The job. Its survival. I think time and a change in how you think will reduce the pain. I maybe a little farther into the process than you. But I have experienced some very terrible thoughts. All I can tell you is time and acceptance of change will help. I struggle with this everyday.
It makes me cry to read your post. It’s so sad that your wife didn’t even try to fix things really, but just jumped right in to saying she’s not IN love with you anymore. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I’m sorry you are having to face one of the most difficult challenges of life. Don’t worry, everything will be ok in the end one way or another.
I don't think you mentioned if she had gone to counseling with you. It sounds very much like she needs counseling as much as you do--maybe more if she hasn't had any. It is a bit discouraging to live with someone who is depressed, so you can understand that on her side. But she has made this commitment, not only to you, but most of all to these kids. Kids suffer when a home splits. She needs to think more about what she will do to them. You are fortunate to have a faith. Talk to God as to a Friend, but don't forget to also mention what you are thankful for as well. Share your heart and throughout the day focus on Him and say "help me." This has worked for me in bad times. I think that is what the Bible means when it says "pray without ceasing" and one's life becomes a prayer and our tolerance grows. I am praying for you.
Also take care of yourself with regular sleep, lots of fruits and veggies, avoid sugar (it can be a downer when it wears off), and most of all the best antidepressant is exercise. Water is relaxing, like swimming or even a soak in the bath tub. And don't forget deep breathing. It has been my experience that the side effects of medication can be part of our problem. But that would take careful gradual tapering off under a professional that is not "pill happy." But wait on that.
If she’s drinking too much, she’s not happy and probably bored. Try acting more confident, even if you are not. Try courting her again. Be romantic and be exciting. Go and try new things or visit new places. Being happy and having a fun life doesn’t just happen, you have to work for it. Even if you are anxious and depressed, act like you are not and then your brain will change its chemistry and then you won’t have to pretend, you’ll really start feeling happy 😃
Sorry you're going through this I know exactly how you feel I am a female and I'm 57 I've been through two divorces first marriage lasted 18 years second one was 17 my divorce is final year and a half I go after the second marriage I left in both relationships because they both were abusive there was no separation either time they were just straight walking out and divorce I went into a my last divorce lasted a year and I sat and cried and trembled and shook for two hours I was having going in to have a nervous breakdown but I made it through I am on the other side and free and no more abuse I understand totally about the triggers cuz I have a child who is 16 and I'm 57 and he only lives 45 minutes away and you took his father's side and wants nothing to do with me I haven't seen my child for 2 years I know the pain but we let them go just survive and not go off the deep end I am deeply thinking of you be strong take care
To add to my reply people change so don't beat yourself up or even blame your wife for what's happening we know that we live in the world today where 50% or more marriages end up separating or divorced people do change loving someone and caring about someone and being in love with someone or two totally different things so take care of yourself
Do I add to my reply again when I was going through my year-long divorce I kept remembering my brother who went through a divorce to his only one and only marriage he was in his 30s and he had a nervous breakdown and he was never the same he was left like a child I kept telling myself through that divorce that lasted a year do not have a breakdown because I don't want to be like my brother and laugh like a child and neither do you so we fight mentally and we become them strong people you have to be move on with everything you do in life each day don't let this separation destroy you as it did my brother
56artist: Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t imagine being married for that long two times and both to end this way. I was married 9 yrs with my first wife and currently 6 yrs now. I know I will pull through this eventually but sometimes the pain is so bad it clouds all reason and logic. For me it is being in this limbo, not loving each other but not divorced. I can be a better person when I know one way or another but being stuck in the middle is half my problem. I made the decision to leave temporarily to clear both of our heads because she was not feeling any better with me there and I was feeling anxiety seeing her. I think completely a part for a short time will hopefully give us more answers. I want to love her and stay married but at this point I will find peace either way, at least I will be able to focus on myself and the kids if she decides it’s over.
Trust me, she figures it out or I will. I am giving her what she wants (space and time) but that will be limited. She can carry the guilt later in life when she realizes what she is throwing out. And when she finds that there is no such thing as a Prince Charming or a perfect marriage I will gone...
My prayers for you. I know how you feel. Same happened to me 4 years ago. He said the same thing. But he moved. We divorced. His choice.he remarried 2 months after our divorce. Yes! He was seeing her awhile. But would never admit it. ( our daughter passed and he changed a lot after, still no excuse to cheat) I’ve had depression so bad I didn’t know if I could get out of my bed. Actually didn’t in the beginning. I started therapy. I will say it helped me. Married 24 years we were. Had not seen him the past 4. He called the other day. He is sorry.I have grown and changed. I seen him and we had a long talk. I do believe he is sorry as he says. He is unhappy now he says. But it’s over. He should of talked to me. He said the same,” I love you. , I’m not in love anymore”. But he didn’t say anything but I need to move and have space to think. He wasn’t thinking of me. He was running with the tramp he was seeing . I know your pain! I’ve been hurting since the day he left. Losing our daughter then a divorce just about did me in. But I have grown. Learned about myself.It was scary for me being alone after being married so long. But I did it. I travel that’s my outlet. I still will not date. To afraid of pain again. He damaged my heart for sure. Keep your children close. I know you hurt. But keep going. Talking to people does help. I wish you the best! I will pray for you. I agree with the others. She should leave . But please when that hits so hard you can’t breathe or think straight. Know you have your children.
And we are all hear to listen. Talk to people. It really helps! I wish you the best.
Dear Boomba76 - I briefly glanced at some of the replies. They bring up a good point asking why you should move out of your home leaving your familiarity and especially your children. You may have a good reason if this is YOUR choice or don't want to make the situation worse for yourself.
I was glad to see you asked for "prayers". It means you're not alone if you're asking for the Lord's help. While we will pray for you,but don't forget you have a direct connection to the Lord to help you. It's what has kept me going thus far. For years, I've been living lonely in a house with a spouse and young adult child. The only one in my corner is the Lord through my faith. I needed to find an anchor to stop feeling like a floating balloon blowing in the wind with no control and in no particular direction. Eventually, I run out of helium and hit the ground going completely flat. No one noticed except me. I live out in an unincorporated area which makes it worse (a brick and mortar church is not close). Those times when I can't get dressed for a trip into town by myself, I've been connecting to Charles Stanley, In Touch Ministries on TV. I started flipping through the website and found it very helpful (Just what I needed to hear). intouch.org/watch
There's one Nov.2, "The Promise and the Plan". I've also purchased some of his books. "Every Day in His Presence" (365 devotions) is a great one. When I get really down and hopeless, reading a short few paragraphs and reference to a Bible passage is all I can handle. I was amazed how many times I've thought it was just what I needed to hear. (short but impactful)
Are you connected to a church? This is the time to connect with the Lord. This is when we celebrate His birth as our savior. All the other superficial crap of the world tries to make us forget the real celebration.
Your wife is not "in love" with you is trouble. The fact that she'd rather have you disappear than to work it out and fulfill the vows she made says something about her (not you). What is your passion? What have you always wanted to do or try? It's a good time for self examination with "It's all about me" in mind. Don't feel guilty for being egocentric right now. Keep a close connection to your children and drag yourself into work (breakdown in the bathroom if you feel yourself falling apart). If you stay home alone, your depression has a good chance to escalate. I know when I'm by myself, my mind starts racing and drives me down a hole. I'll turn on the radio or tv just to have noise. Make sure you get enough sleep too. This is another aspect that can add to my depression. I take Aderill (may be misspelled) that is over the counter and I can function normally in the morning. Make sure your doctor knows about your situation, and keep writing to this website. We all feel your pain!
Thank you for your reply and prayers. I am very close to god, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. This has brought me to a new level in my relationship with him.
I made to choice to leave instead of her because I work Mon-Fri and we live in the neighborhood of the kids school. She would also have no where to go and I do.
We worked out a good situation to minimize the impact to my little ones.
I will leave Sunday nights after they are sleeping. I will return Wednesday’s after work my wife will leave for a couple of hours and I will be with them for dinner and to put them to bed. I will then return Sat morning my wife will leave until Sunday evening I will then spend Sat and Sun with the kids until Sunday night when they fall asleep.
This will have the least impact to my kids.
I will also return Christmas-eve and Christmas Day and we will celebrate the holiday all together for the kids.
This will be temporary 6 weeks or so.
If nothing changes I will move back in and we will begin the divorce process. Our lease is up at our house in July so we will need some resolution by then either way.
I know it’s not perfect but this will have the least disruption to the little ones.
The entire situation makes me SICK, SAD, ANGRY etc.....
But I can only control what I can control and at this point it’s not very much.
Thanks again for your prayers, I truly appreciate you and everyone on this site!!!
Have you asked her to consider counseling? Based on what I've read I would think that not only couples counseling is in order but you mentioned her drinking more than you would like. Maybe she is confused as to what love is supposed to look like. Love is not butterflies and happy smiles all the time. Love is hard and love is work. If she expects it to be easy then she needs someone who can explain to her that behind every "happy couple" is a lot of pain and sacrifice. It won't always be hard. But, as with life, in love there are ups and downs. It's sometimes hard to choose to stay when it gets hard. There is no easy loving relationship. I wish you all the best in the hard times to come. I feel your pain and I hope that you stay strong for yourself and for your children. Life will get better. It will. Please remember that.
I am so sorry for what I know feels like a major loss in your life. I know exactly what you are going through. I experienced the same ordeal several years ago...the waves of depression, the triggers, the crying spells, not sleeping, not eating...Things were so bad, I literally went down to 82 lbs. All I can say is, and most people will agree with me, that it is much worse than dealing with a death. I am not going to give you any advice or platitudes. I can only offer you some resources that might possibly help you through this trauma and ultimately give you some comfort and hope. They did for me and otherwise I honestly don't know how I would have survived the hell I endured.
Here is what I can recommend: Midlife Dimensions-they are a Christian-based support group that helps those experiencing separation and/or divorce. The difference is, they are all about not giving up and having faith that your marriage can be saved. They also have a formal chat room where you can speak live to others who are hurting in the same way. Go to Facebook and see what they're all about.
My other source is MarriageMax by Mort Fortel. He has a program that is all about saving your marriage. Through him, I found this wonderful counselor, Mimi Azoubel. She may be a bit of an expense--I spoke with her about twice a month-- but she is an amazing therapist who will give you positive advice on how to salvage your marriage. All her therapy is done by phone and you can find her online.
Best of luck to you and I sincerely hope this helps!!! Action is what's important right now, kind words from others are nice, but they are not enough!!! It is hard to just sit back and do nothing. You need to take control.
Stay in your home, Boomba! It's as much your home as hers, maybe more so.
Many couples who love each other are no longer "in love". The glitter that brought them together wears off but the real love endures.
Whilst you stay in your home your relationship has a chance of recovery. Once you leave out of sight out of mind.
Stay in your home, Boomba. For the sake of your children as much as anything else.
You are worried she may have found someone new. Still stand your ground, the glitter of a new relationship can be temporary.
Stay and fight for her, what might she think of a husband who wouldn't.
Remember, you are not half of a couple, you are a complete person. Never forget that.
Don't hand her everything on a plate, her in your house, you in someone else's spare bedroom but still paying her upkeep.
Think about it. Tell her you've changed your mind about leaving, say you can't afford 2 homes any way.
Then be yourself and let events take their course.
I like your train of thought but she truly needs to feel what it will be like without me. Maybe she loves it, maybe she realizes it was a mistake. This is only temporary. We will spend Christmas together as a family for the kids and I will be in the house Sat morning through Sunday night while she leaves. This is a last ditch effort to save this marriage. Throwing her out has definitely crossed my mind but that would be wrong for the kids. We rent and our lease is up in July so no matter what we will have to have some resolve before then.
I am going to give it until the end of January then I’m moving back in regardless. I will need a couple months to pack and fix up the house for both of us to exit.
I understand only 13% of marriages that separate figure it out and go on to have successful marriages but I don’t want any regrets and I want to be able to explain to my kids that I tried everything possible.
I can’t stay in the same house right now because when I look at her it triggers my anxiety and depression. As soon as she is not in my presence I feel better.
Separating for a couple weeks is just as much about my own well being as it is time for her to search her feelings.
I hope that gives you some perspective.
Thank you for your reply and advice it is much appreciated.
The overwhelming level of advice from posters is Don't leave home! Not even for a day. Once you're out you're out. You're being too kind and understanding. You shouldn't have to live in a bed sitter!
There are going to be lots of triggers wherever you go. Once you leave there will be no coming back.
Sorry to hear of the difficulty that you are facing. It can be really easy to drift apart and to let good things such as raising kids to become a focus instead. Have you considered seeing a licensed Christian counselor to help you process some of what you are going through and feeling? I would be glad to point you to some additional things that may be helpful if you wish. Offering up a prayer on your behalf...
I saw another person jumping into my business. Please know I judge no one. I was only letting you know to capitalize God because I didn't know if you realized that you are supposed to capitalize God. Someone brought that to my attention long time ago. Know that I'm concerned about you and meant know harm. I wasn't even talking to the other person. Much love to you. Stay encouraged
I didn’t take any offense to your post at all. I truly appreciate your kindness and caring. This support group has been the best thing I have ever been a part of. We are all struggling through this illness and we all have life struggles This group doesn’t judge and offers prayers and advise from a position of personal experiences. People who know exactly what the feelings can do to a person.
So ignore anyone who may post something that is not nice and just remember they are probably having unclear thoughts and they are suffering from similar illnesses as the rest of us.
God bless you!
Capital G... 😊😊
My dad just passed away a few months short of my parents being married 60 years.
They used to say ‘there are times one or the other hasn’t liked the other but they loved and times they haven’t loved but liked’. I wonder if your wife can focus on things she likes about you?
This has already worked once for my marriage.
I will ask God to hold on tight to you. God never wastes a hurt. It may take time for whoever is in this learning curve but don’t waste the time He allows for this wisdom experience.