Hello community I made a post a while back around mother's Day I was very sad had been sad for years and I was actually suicidal but I didn't hurt myself. I told my best friend how I was feeling and three weeks later she booked a trip for my daughter to leave hometown to go visit my best friend in houston. They did not tell me that they did this. I was so devastated felt unworthy and expendable, because I looked so forward to mother's Day my daughter and I are are trying to reestablish a good connection. Mother's Day is literally the only time of the year I get a card with writing stating that she loves me and she knows that she has barriers right now. That card I save and I reread constantly and this mother's Day was a fiasco for me. Since the vacation plans were made by my best friend of 35 years she claims she didn't know it was mother's Day and then they didn't tell me when they found out that they actually booked it for mother's day. I felt rejected like I wasn't important enough to be informed. I have a hard time expressing myself and setting boundaries and honoring them for myself, I did have the guts to send my best friend a text and I told her I was extremely devastated highly upset that they overlooked this factor and didn't tell me. I did not use bad words foul language profanity I wasn't mean I talked about my feelings. My best friend's shot me back a text stating I hurt her so bad and I assassinated her character. She was furious and refused to accept the fact that I was even hurt too. She demanded apology I was polite I listened to her and then I got off the phone. A week later she sends me a nasty text accusing me of saying and doing all these horrible things that I know at 57 years old I know that I am not a person who runs around gossiping spreading medical information that I'm not supposed to or purposely insulting my friends. She even threw a situation in there that I never participated in I don't even know what she's talking about. Really, and now she has sent me a list of her boundaries that I must obey the tone of the text was strict crude and demanding. She is talking to me as if I'm a child she is not even considering that I have psychiatric problems I was suicidal and I was sad and then it was all about them. So they both got mad at me they both turn it around and made me the one at fault and made me the enemy and have insulted me and treated me horribly ever since. All this because I stuck up for myself and I told her that she hurt me and wasn't even sorry after all. This boundary list she sent me is really ridiculous and I don't think I can honor it so I'm actually thinking I'm going to lose my best friend of 35 years the one who knows me best the one who calms me when I need help. She does not understand mental illness but she has been compassionate and reasonable and generous. But now that she's been sick for the last 10 years she's a different person when she gets upset. I'm grieving the possible loss of this relationship because she already said her boundaries are not negotiable and there must be five boundaries of what I'm not allowed to do. there are things I am not to do mixed in with insults and situations that never occurred. I am mad I think it's unacceptable for her to behave like this. My therapist even told me my best friend should have informed me if my daughter didn't. So it kind of sucks standing up for yourself and then the people that are not used to you doing that treat you real badly and dump you because you're too difficult to deal with. I am so sick of self-righteous snotty people treating the mental ill as if we are not worth it. I'm not going to respond to her email for at least 4 days and then I will tell her exactly what I think but in a much politer way without insulting her. Which means I have to be brave again and confront a problem which is so challenging for me! I have realized that I allow people to treat me bad and I don't say anything because I'm afraid of confrontation and hurting their feelings. Wow that's incredibly sick I absolutely need to figure out how to rebuild myself esteem. I can do it I'm just a little anxiety provoked right now because of all this bad news. Please talk to me tell me anything I don't care what you have to say send me a heart I feel alone. I don't have many friends my mom is very old she's not going to make it much longer and my daughter is very distant and she's not very interested in me. I'm scared I'm going to die alone.
Yesterday pain will be the third day ... - Anxiety and Depre...
Yesterday pain will be the third day in a row that I got unfortunate or just plain ass bad and news. I feel like I'm going to crack..
your best friend doesn’t seem like a friend at all, your emotions are valid. keep fighting for your daughter, she matters more to you from what I read. I’m trying to fight for my daughters love too and I text her everyday that I love her and once in a while she will say she loves me too, and it means so much to me. keep focusing on the positives I heard you say several good affirmations about yourself. instead of writing your friend write to yourself about your good qualities. I would cherish the Mother’s Day cards too, I don’t get anything on Father’s Day. my daughter actually just texted me that she’s been throwing up all day and I feel helpless that I can’t be there to help hydrate her and give her love. missing your children hurts.
Hi light that never goes out,I'm so sorry you're not available for your daughter when she's feeling sick. I know what you mean loving them so much and sometimes disconnected too. I text my daughter a couple times a week because I miss her so badly and I just say really nice encouraging positive things to her. She's a full-time University student so I know she's very busy I try not to interrupt her day too much but I can't go more than 3 days without saying something to her. She's 20 years old and I remember being that age, I certainly was not interested in what my mother had to say or that she wanted to hang out with me. I completely avoided my mother. I actually apologize to to my mom the other day because now I know what it feels like to have your child completely disinterested in you. LOL. Thank you so much for your encouraging words I wish you the best of luck and I hope your daughter gets better and you get to hug her at least sometime soon. Thank you again and be well.
Montana
I text my daughter everyday with short comments and questions. I love you, I miss you, I’m proud of you, you’re beautiful, special, amazing… how are you feeling, how is your day, etc. and when she texts back I shut off the entire world and focus completely on her and her replies. I want for her to know that I care deeply about her and that she matters and so does how she feels. I’ll always be there and I don’t want her to ever question that I love her and that she can come to me with anything.
My dear. The world, even our closest friends, can be filled with all sorts of human behavioral issues. We can be honest and upfront about our challenges, but many don't even know they have an issue let alone acknowledge their issues, when told. Many times they can be hidden to others, as you are experiencing them.
Sometimes we just can't fight city hall and maybe the answer, since you have made your pain extremely clear, is to just lay low.
Yes it hurts. Believe me I 've had years of it in my family. I finally told some. Total denial. I was the problem. I tried to leave being around my own grandsons it was so unfair. To their credit that haven't allowed that. As a few months go by, with no words spoken to the issue at hand, they have acted better.
No admittance of guilt. For many that is asking way too much. For me, its a breeze. It's how I've gotten better and successful at many things.
I've successfully led people for 45 years.
Trust me. My best bud can be selfish also. I want to tell him and I might, but there is definetly love and things I need from him and him me, so I CHOOSE to allow them to remain that way, until the time is right. If ever
It's our choice. It's your rules. They just can't always see it correctly
Maybe chill and see
much love
craig
BTW-im bipolar and have suffered from ruminations for decades, so what I'm sugessting isn't easy. Why? Cause it ain't fair and fair is what gives me relief.
I've had to train myself to be ok with some version of unfair
Unfortunately it isn't right, but again " City Hall"
Hi Craig1956,I understand what you mean about our friends suffering from human behavior as we do. She is very ill and since she became ill she's been a little more aggressive with me when she gets upset. We've been through friends for 35 years and she had been a good friend to me but sometimes she's very controlling and demanding and bossy. And I'm like the opposite I just go with the flow I don't complain much. She's not used to hearing me Express deep hurt or deep emotion. I really struggle right now because I am very upset with her her attitude and the word she chose to speak against me and she influenced my daughter to take her side. It's so weird cuz she's normally not like this kind of person at all. But I was hurt they ignored or overlooked my feelings and if they want to turn it around on me and be mad at me then it is what it is. I am definitely laying low right now. I haven't responded back to my best friend because I am afraid I'm going to say something really mean so I'm taking a few days to gather my thoughts so that I can address her appropriately because some of the things she said to me are inaccurate some don't make sense and the others are just mean. And I've never been a mean person to her. Thank you so much for your response. What you said made sense to me, and I do know what it's like to have a selfish best friend too. It's human nature to behave badly at times we all go through it. I just don't think I can abide by her 7- 9 little boundary rules and I get the impression from the wording that she's talking down to me.
Oh no, I’m sorry you have been feeling so sad and that your friend treated you like that- it’s totally unacceptable, especially as she knows that you were feeling suicidal and are upset 😢The Mother’s Day situation was insensitive of her, and completely inappropriate! And then for her to turn around and send you a list of boundaries after completely invading your home situation-wow. It sounds like she is gaslighting you (maybe not on purpose but regardless) to do those things and then turn it around as if you are the problem. Yes, maybe you don’t have to lose her permanently, as she has been kind in the past, but for your own sake consider to keep the friendship at arms length. Please do not capitulate to her demands - sorry but to put it politely, she’s not a good friend right now. Not sure if this will help, but I read about this really interesting book today- ‘The Myth of Normal’ by Gabor Mate. I thought it could be helpful to me, and perhaps could be helpful to you, too. One of the points the book discusses is how some of us are constantly trying to be nice, and please people and how it actually causes illness within us, because we are aware of how we are compromising ourselves (paraphrasing here). Anyway, just a thought, as it’s time for you to create some good boundaries to protect yourself! 🙏🏻😊 Also, please don’t despair about your lack of friends right now- at 57, you have plenty of time to make other friends who you can have fun with with and who will treat you well ❤️
Hi good for us,Yes I feel very much like you said that it was inappropriate and since she knew I was suicidal it was even irresponsible and mean. I am going to keep her at arm's length for a while she is definitely emotionally unhealthy. I have depression anxiety and PTSD and I don't walk around talking to my best friend like she's a piece of trash that disrespects everybody. Seriously you are so right arm's length even though it will be painful not to have my friend to talk to I do feel like she betrayed one of my boundaries and then when I spoke up on my own behalf she betrayed me again when she insulted me. I have seen some of great Gabriel mate's videos on youtube. He makes a lot of sense. I have not heard a lot but some of his stuff I've heard is pretty good. And you are right, when I don't speak up for myself I'm actually betraying myself. When I don't enforce my own boundaries I'm betraying myself. It is completely obvious to me for the last 45 years that I suffer from a very low self-esteem. I am not nice to myself in fact I treat myself rather mean. So I am learning to talk positively to myself, to use rational logic when I start thinking wildly irrational thoughts. I have been moving forward pretty well for 10 months now, before that I was in bed for about a year didn't leave the house unless I had to go to the pharmacy to get medicine. I'm doing so much better now and I'm not going to let this friend of mine who was very important to me treat me like this. I think I will feel good if I hold this particular boundary for 6 months to a year. Thank you again for your encouragement and your support. I hope that your tomorrow is a great one thank you again take care of yourself and be well.
Montana
Hi cat lover for life 50,Thank you so much for your encouraging words. It is devastating and it hurts really bad because it was my very best friend and my daughter who both turned the situation around on me and became angry with me. It made me mad. I journal too and I have actually been resisting for 2 weeks I have not journaled. I just had to recommit myself the other day because I realized I had given up at least five very effective healthy tools I learned to help myself feel better. I don't know why I gave them up. In my 50-year history of episodic depression I seem to start feeling a little better and then I put my tools away and then eventually I'm depressed again. Why haven't I learned yet! It's all about maintenance and management. Again thank you for responding and taking a walk sounds like a really good idea I've been doing that more lately when it's not so hot here and I take my dog and she loves it. So it's a double bonus. Take care of yourself and be well
Montana
I think you have a great perspective on all of this! Yes, it will be hard to not have your friend close, but you can rely on yourself- you know what is best for your own well-being, and you have accomplished so much already.
I have same challenges- anxiety, depression and ptsd, so it can be tough going but we got this! 👍
Take care, and have a good week! 😊
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