Ill go straight to the point since I am devastated to think how to phrase this more elegantly, but ever since I got active suicidal ideation, even small inconveniences get me extremely sad (not the normal sadness/depression, the deep and cold depressive sadness in the chest), to the point I start immediately wanting to die/be dead. I wanted the medicine to take the suicidal ideation (at least it has made it less intense than in may, so it is still useful) but I do not know what to do about this. Am I just a fraile person? Is my ego too fragile to be broken by any small inconvenience? Or is is due to this mental illness (that I am still struggling to accept I suffer, not consciously but emotionally).
So what can be the cause of this? How can I take the death/suicide ideas out of my head? How can I stop being so fraile and be able to cope and accept small inconveniences?
Any advice would help, since even tho I have been having this "sadness" for almost 8 years, I just recently was diagnosed and I do not know what to attribute to the illness and what not. Many many thanks in advance 🙏🙏🙏
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LynnSalv
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so sorry that U R going thru this. If you R not please find a therapist. Also please try to find a suicide crisis hotline or some type of mental health hotline. People here on HU are very supportive. U R not being fragile. Small inconveniences can trigger emotions. I’m here 4 U.
Bc everyone is different, living a different story with different struggles, there's unfortunately no definitive answer for that. However, I might be able to help a little, or at least direct you towards some ideas. From what you're saying, I can relate to you a lot. I struggled with suicidal ideation for a couple years, then into planning and several attempts. Hearing your description of what you're feeling in your chest and how easily it is to set it off sent chills down my spine. Of course, I have no idea what you're going through, what you've been through, or anything about you personally to know, but first and foremost, what's important right now is to assure you, feelings as devastating as these don't make you a fragile person. It doesn't mean you have some kind of ego, it doesn't make you weak, silly, emotional, or any other dig at yourself. It most certainly doesn't make you wrong, or a bad person. Not at all. Having been in a situation similar to your's, I'm not going to tell you not to put yourself down or be so hard on yourself, bc I know it's not that easy. It's almost impossible. One of the greatest things I've ever done for myself to fight that dark hole though was learn to acknowledge and validate my feelings and everything that got me there. I personally believe that the most important validation you'll ever receive is your own. Acknowledge that you're still here, and that in itself is incredible bc of what you're carrying with you. I'm proud of you. It's not easy, but you're still going. Thousands every day lose against what you're still surviving. I'm proud of you. Also, I'm here if you need to talk. You're not alone. Even if I can't help, I can still listen.
Oh man, thank you so so so much for your comment 🤧 it feels very lonely and I do tend to get mad at myself a lot to the point of hurting myself (I just punch myself in the face and stomach usually), so what you said about being so harsh on myself hits deep.
I am mainly still here because of my mom, because her life hasnt been so great so far and I dont want to give her another bad thing to deal with. I dont like bothering people, that is why I keep things to myself but man, it is killing me inside 🤧
Thank you so much for your kind words, knowing I have the hope to someday be free from this or at least learn to control it or live with it. But again, thank you so much for your offering and kind words, they mean a lot for me
It's only happened to me once properly the thoughts lasted for a while then passed . You are definitely not fragile you are super strong to have overcome them for so long.x
Absolutely, I'm glad I could help. If you'd like to talk more, please, don't hesitate to talk to me. Don't fight alone. Reaching out takes far more strength than isolation, and you've already proven you're strong. I'm proud of you.
I have had this happen so maybe I can provide a different perspective on it. I went through a period of time where things in my life were not going well. I suffered some major setbacks and had a downward spiral as a consequence of that. When you talk about being frailty I think it may just seem that way right now. Chances are that you have been through some kind of ordeal and are still dealing with it perhaps. In order to want to die there must be a big underlying reason. Our brains work in such a way as to protect us from trauma so that we shrug it off or don’t recognize it. It sounds like you are having some really hard times. As a friend I would tell you that you are worth not giving up on and finding someone who can help you through this. In the meantime I am here for you!
That is the thing that confuses me, currently besides my studies and non-existent relationship with my father, I have no mayor setbacks like I had when this mental problem started. Back then, we worried about eating, social life in school was poor, and so many more things. I feel like I am ungrateful for not being able to be more calm with myself even tho I have come so far in relation to where I was before. Logically I understand how this works, but emotionally it feels this way and it crushes me even more thinking I am so ungrateful and pathetic 🤧 (even if logically it makes no sense).
I have been trying to push myself to doing things I wouldve never done before to advance with my life, but this thing keeps dragging me back. I would love to talk to someone close about this, but the people close to me are not that empathetic to the struggle (and I can not blame them, experiencing sadness and depression are very very different and the other people close to me (like my mom) I feel like I shouldnt worry with trivial issues like this one. I know it may sound dumb but I realy realy do not want to be a stone in the shoe for other people 🤧
But I really appreciate your kind words, your empathy with my situation and your willingness to listen to me. It means the world to me, truly
Please don't feel like your problem isn't as significant as anyone else's who maybe on paper in a 'worse situation' and that goes the same for trivial issues if its important to you then it's important. Also you have to forgive people around you for not understanding. Because that's a very hard task.
Let it all out on here though I'm starting to and its getting easier
I dont blame others for not undersanding the struggle, it just makes me sad that they can just brush it off as something dumb. It makes me feel isolated, alone and with no support or hope. It is dumb, but this and other ideas flow into my head during these times. It is part of the reason I started to think about "what if I never existed" and "I am overreacting, this is probably trivial" since I reflected a lot of what I felt by how others told me they saw it. Now that I am an adult, I know it is not how it works but having seen it like that for almost 7 years, it leaves a lasting impresion (combined with my denial of any traces of depression since "I have no reason to be depressed"). It is just another piece of the puzzle for me, loneliness, being misunderstood and helplessness, I cannot trust anyone close to talk about these stuff.
Omg the same thought has been going through my mind . I try to scratch the surface of my feelings to my people and seem to get minutes of acknowledgement followed by... OK stop being negative..or don't be emotional etc. Even yes I understand what your going through but just do this thing that is impossible for me to do so if you understood you wouldn't even suggest it..Hense why I'm now on a forum reaching out to strangers for understanding?
Veo que tu también andabas buscando con quien hablar y desahogarte, si necesitas aún podemos hablar e intercambiar experiencias entre nosotros. Sería muy útil para desahogarnos y, al menos para mi, me gusta ser reciproco con la ayuda que me dan ofreciendo ayuda
talking here helps me tremendously. We all have been through one type of crisis or another so we understand. Let yourself be free here. No one judges your problems or symptoms as trivial or not important. To us they are all important. I have found some great people here! I’m sorry you have a need to be here, but glad you found us.
You've gotten some really good responses here and that's great that we have some place like this to comfortably express ourselves. I wonder how many others in the 70+ year old age group like me are out there. I can tell you I've sat on the side of the bed with the loaded gun in my hand ready to call it quits to life. What was it over? My niece had said to me (when I told her that her behavior was 'unlady like' in a certain situation) that nobody was like me and wanted to be a lady anymore. Talk about feeling like I had just gotten out of a time machine and had been set down in the wrong time! Have you ever heard the words to a song titled 'A Change is Going to Come'? Some of the lyrics go: its been too hard living but I'm afraid to die because I don't know what's up there beyond the sky. And, I guess that's exactly what made me put the gun back into the drawer. If I had believed that after death there was just nothingness, I might have just gone ahead with the deed that day. But I was raised (reared) with a background of faith. To me that meant tomorrow was another day. It was another day to try to get things right. Or, maybe another day that felt just like the day before-- but it was still another day that I had. Now here comes the part that I don't understand and need help with. I read so many other questions, statements, pleas for help but I so seldom hear an admission of faith. I feel fortunate to have had a faith-based background from my mother, from my grandmother. I've been called a 'Bible thumper' by some of my 'friends' but I don't see myself that way. My question is, what do you have to hang on to if you don't have faith? I'm not trying to push a church agenda. But I would like some answers to that question. I personally know two young people--in their 20's--who have taken their own lives and I ask myself what could have been so bad that they didn't give themselves a chance for tomorrow??
It is always very insightful to hear the words and experience of older people, so I thank you for taking the time out of your day to write this. Really, losing hope and seeing that the world would be better without me, not wanting to go on to stop suffering, and wanting to just be set free are the mayor reasons I think of when considering my own death, but sometimes there is just the unexplainable feeling of wanting to be dead/not exist. I cannot fully explain it.
But yeah, during pandemic I went and looked for arguments for and against God and I got out convinced on his existence, so I am a theist. I feel bad for having the hopeless feeling knowing God is there, I have been "hiding" for some time.
You shouldn't feel bad about knowing God but yet feeling hopeless. I won't go into some long theological rant because that's just not me. We live in an imperfect world so there is always going to be something out there just waiting to pounce and take away everything that we felt we could hold on to, that made us feel worthy to be alive and on and on. I keep referring to Covid entering the picture because I think that should have been a wake-up call for us--everything in this world that we have depended on can be gone in the blink of an eye: jobs were shut down, isolation from others, and shortages of food; etc. So back to religion for a moment. As I have grown older and in fact am considered old right now and 'nearing home', I find myself thinking less about things and more about my life and where it goes from here. Two words have stuck with me: joy and faith. I like to kind of chew on these words, keep going over them in my mind. In my church (and probably many others too) happiness and joy are two different things. Happiness is dependent on external things: you get a new car and you are happy, you lose your job a year before retirement and you are not happy. Joy on the other hand is an inner peace and confidence that doesn't change with the wind. Just because something happens in your life that isn't good doesn't mean you are ready to throw in the towel. For the other word I do have put some Bible on you: faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. Thinking about that really blows my mind! Things you're hoping for are already substance--they are already there! And what kind of nut case would a judge think you were if you went to court and said you have evidence but it's evidence you can't see?!? Our brains can be a wonderful thing but they can also be a real train wreck. I believe I have been depressed to some degree since I was a teenager--over 60 years ago. And, I believe without faith I wouldn't be here now. I'm not saying that you need to be on a street corner telling the world of it's impending doom. But you do need to have an anchor, a north star so to speak so that when you are feeling so lost, you'll know which way to go. I wish I could tell you what that should be for you, but, I can't. That is part of your journey in life. And you know, searching for it is not that bad. (sorry but this did kind of turn into a rant!)
I think the dilemma comes when you just don't question or care about the consequences anymore. I've always been cautious about letting down the people in my life if I chose to leave them and also what the afterlife would be if I took the decision out of gods hands. But when the day comes that even that isn't reason enough to carry on... then there's a problem
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