Trigger Warning: Living with suicidal ideation

Hi everyone....first off please let me say that I have no plans to hurt myself however I do feel that I live with the idea of it most days. I have ocd, ptsd, anxiety and depression due to an event that occurred 4 years ago. I have a wonderful therapist who I am doing emdr with, I take meds, etc.....yet I sometimes fear that someday I will just have had enough and will want to quit. I also live with a horrible autoimmune disease that has progressed. Having had a ‘normal’ life before all of this, it is extremely difficult to exist like this but for the sake of my family I continue. I told my therapist, who I meet with weekly. She did not react much other to say I need to call her immediately if I become overwhelmed or feel on the verge of self harm,....and/or go to an emergency room.

Silly question but does anyone else feel this way? Do you get used to living this way or should I say existing this way? Is there a peace to be found in accepting it? I guess you could say that I am passively suicidal.....which I know is very serious. I guess I just feel that if I come to a radical acceptance of it then maybe it will be easier to move on versus fighting it.

This may or may not make sense but I would be interested in hearing from others.

Thanks.

[Hb2003]

Your not alone i had suicidal ideation in high school so i needed a safety plan your not alone ❤️🙏 it’s hard for me to live with to be honest but i try my best to ignore them

[despowell]

Hello! So I don’t have suicidal ideations, I’m like the total opposite, I have a huge fear of dying so that is what consumes me! I too suffer from an autoimmune disease as well and I do feel you on wanting to be “normal” again. I haven’t felt like myself at all lately and I feel like my disease may be professing as well causing all types of issues, which has Been causing horrible anxiety. It’s great that you are seeking therapy and I know it might not seem like it’s helping, but you’re brave for even making the first step! I’ve been trying to handle it without meds and using a spiritual approach to resolving my issues. It’s really helped a lot but I still have a long ways to go.

When you’re feeling those feelings of wanting to not be here anymore, think about all the reasons why you actually deserve to be here. Through all of the tragedies going on around the world and through a global pandemic, you’re still standing! That within itself tells you that you have a purpose and a reason to be here. Sometimes we miss the bigger picture because we are so focused on trying to handle all of the day to day stressors that come our way. We really miss out on the beauty of living in the now moment and appreciating every moment we have, whether it’s a good or bad one. What I’ve been trying to do lately is really just reflect on the few good moments of “normalcy” I may have a day or a week and try to figure out how to make more of them happen!

You are so worth it to be here! So please keep fighting!!!

[Hidden in reply to despowell]

Thank you for your kind and sweet reply. My story is complex...I was hurt by someone which caused trauma then I in turn hurt someone else,...not in the same way but nonetheless hurt. I live with guilt, shame, etc....Many, if not most days are just not ‘fun’ anymore but for the sake of my family especially my new granddaughter, I keep on going,

I wish best with your disease also.

[Hidden]

Yes, I feel like this everyday. I also have no plans to hurt myself, but I find I have to talk to myself regularly about those in my life who need and love me. I am sorry you have to struggle with a chronic illness, and while I do not have an auto-immune disorder I am quite unwell overall. I suspect it is a form of chronic fatigue brought on by the sheer amount of stress with which I have lived, and succumbed to, over the last decade. The pandemic pushed me down even further, like it has done for many people. I am glad you have a therapist and medication that helps you. Living with suicidal ideation is its own trauma, and I have no idea how to mitigate it, except for thoughts of gratitude and actively being mindful of my son and my dog, my two lifelines.

[TangledUpIn]

I think radical acceptance makes complete sense Keepontrying7

[Gentlespirit]

I understand where you are coming from. There is acceptance and then other layers of acceptance.Out of concern and legally going to the E.R. or calling 911 has to be said. Liability is an issue present too.

Impulsive thoughts and behavior can be redirected. Most thoughts can come back or flare up and be persistent but if you can manage not to act then that behavior or thoughts can be detoured.

Its about balancing and redirecting and regulating and detouring a detour.

Look at your hand and then slowly let your eyes instinctively follow a path where it wills. Mentally emotionally cognitively visually or with movements or whatever means of communication comes to the surface or emerges relay the message I am lovable and I am not expendable. Its ok to be kind gentle patient and understanding with myself. I am amazingly beautiful and I'm here . Its not time to go because who I am and what I do have is needed.

Without sand where is the beach? I will not underestimate the power of one.

I can love myself. Give yourself permission to love.

[Gentlespirit]

An autoimmune disease is a constant drain and it's terribly hard to keep going to keep struggling . Theres the therapist route or spiritual therapy or integrative medicine or a combination of some all or none depending on where your coming from or going. Tis a challenge isn't it? Be patient and keep a going eh.