TRIGGER
I want to leave this earth. But I won’t. I promise. But that’s what is on my mind and I’m tired of suffering. I don’t want to call anyone or go anywhere. I just need to release this thought and get support until this passes. I just can’t believe one can suffer so much. I’m so on edge so depressed and anxious exhausted and I just want it to get better but I don’t see it happening. Praying.
Hugs darling, this is a battle this illness, I love you x
❤️
When I was 21, I hit rock bottom. Drunk every night, slowly killing myself. Fast forward to me in my forties, I'm alive and beyond blessed. You can pull through this. If a little nobody like me can, you surely can. Miracles can happen. Have hope and faith.
Will be trying to have hope and faith.
Fantastic xxxxx
Starrlight, please pm me. Talk to me. I can help you. It doesnt matter how irrational you think your thoughts are. I cant stand for others to feel like this
Beautiful. Thank you. I wish I felt someone was looking after me. I want to believe in God and the angels. I need them. But I don’t know 🤔
We are here for you 🌟🌏🙃....just believe in the power of the universe forget that god stuff
I can’t forget the God stuff it’s a part of me actually but I do believe in the power of the universe too 🙃
mmm I’m not convinced about that religion thing ....😊....took any nature photos ?
Yeah me neither but I still try to hold on spirituality and in the belief in God close to my heart . No more nature photos yet but I am planning to go out today maybe I’ll snap a good one...
That’s the spirit .....I’ve got pissy windy weather...been like it for awhile but soon be spring ...be able to go and find some fox cubs 😁 saw 5 once looked about 2 weeks old outside the den playing 🦊didn’t have a camera though
🦊 we have fox in our backyard... omg I can’t wait for summer!!! I need the beach and my kids home and carefree days !
Foxes are strange creatures. If they did not try and forage or attack rabbits or cats we could embrace them as if they were a dog. Dogs wont be criticised for chasing a cat or attacking it. It's part of their nature. When my family come they bring their lovely dog who drives my old cat out. I have to leave her in a bedroom when the kids are around as well as the dog. It is hard to say the cat comes second when family comes but enjoying our family during our lives when we are fit enough to run around and join in has to be a priority. You want you kids to see you happy and secure. Hope this spell disappears and the spring weather will buck us up to take photographs pick daffodils or spring flowers, as spring is the start of the birth cycle of the seasons.
Yeah I feel bad that my kids don’t have a better me but when I am around them I smile and play it’s hard to hide the pain and my kids sense my anxiety but I’m doing the best I can for them. I pray it’s good enough. I’m really worried now. I don’t think I’ll ever not be this way...
Do you think the mood swings you are experiencing actually stir your emotions so if you are on drugs you feel you cant experience emotion and you feel dead inside?
Think there has to be a happy medium in recognising that you may need support. Don't think I'm being silly but I was reading that Crazy Water contains lithia, the mineral in rocks in spring water in certain areas of TEXAS. There is a bottled mineral
water which people are buying because it helps their mental health. It has been sold in bottles since 1881. If I lived in the states I would buy some, boiling it first as I am fussy mare, then drink it. If you are not on conflicting medicines it might be a harmless tonic. As it is not a drug and not in large doses it does not require safety checks. Number 4 is meant to be the best spring water and you can find blogs and reviews no doubt on this water.
Sounds awesome. Makes me want to learn more.
Yes I agree with you ..don't ever forget God! It was so fantastic talking to you on the phone today, made my day.. I just pray so hard I can help you!
Hold onto the power you have right now...
Call me anytime..morning , noon , afternoon or night..... I'm here for you!
More sparkles & dump trucks SIS!
❤️
Please, please , please hang in there... I so pray for you..
I love you beyond infinity!
Which god?
Starrlight....I know it may be hard to believe this right now....but even though we have only just recently met and I don’t yet know you that well....I know in my heart that in your heart and spirit, you really DO believe in God....and you are His child!!! And do you want to know how I know this?.....Because you are a kindred spirit and I can FEEL it.....this is how I KNOW that you believe in Him! And the doubts you are having are only part of the OCD, depression and anxiety.....but God knows the real you, because He knows your heart.....God never gives up on those who love Him....But, most of all, because He loves you, He will never give up on you!!!
Also, know this....Anyone who is able to reach out to other people and lend a helping hand of love, strength and compassion is a very STRONG person.....and you are that person! You have no idea how much you helped me yesterday, just by being who you are....and because of you, I am smiling today.....not only because you made me feel better, but because I know I have a friend in you!!!
And there is something else I know about you, Starr.....You are a very positive, upbeat, intuitive, kind, spiritual and loving person by nature.....it’s just who you are.....and you are also a LOT stronger than you think you are! And even though you struggle.....in your heart and soul you love life.....and you love people.....and this is why I know that you have what it takes to get through this.
You said in your previous message that you want to believe in God and the Angels.....and you will.....because YOU are an Angel.....and they are already all around you.....all you have to do is let them in! ❤️❤️❤️
Matthew 11: 28-30
“Come to me, all ye who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light”.
John 10:27-28
“My sheep hear my voice and I know them.....and they follow me. And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.
John 3:16
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life”.
Romans 10:9
“That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved”.
Thank you so 🙏 😊 my friend
You are very welcome, my friend! You are going to be OK! 🌞🧡🌻🌼🌈
I appreciate you so much MidnightBriarRose
Awwww, thank you, Starr! The feeling is mutual! 🧡😀👍
❤️
Angels are here with people who help by a kind word or something that triggers our self to be as best as we can. You are an angel with your children their guardian and protector so it is not easy when you have this intense sadness and loss which you cannot resolve accept by putting your own family first. Kids understand you and love you to bits but am sure you will get through this block which is preventing you from enjoying yourself and practicing your talents as an artist. Go for it..
Hawaii you are awesome. Thank you.
Belief in God is important because he does exist. It's impossible that nothing created everything. Prophecies of the bible and many other things is evidence of God. PM me if you'd like some information. I was an atheist but really searched for the truth thoroughly and finally found it through the only truth of Christ.
Oh my beautiful, amazing sis.. I so feel for you... it's the disease giving you all these negative feelings.... I just may call anyway... it's all good .. I'll leave you a message...
I love you so much..well it amazes me..
Sparkles & dump trucks sis!
Thanks for the talk
I'm willing to talk to you..morning , noon, afternoon, evening and during the night.. I'll always be here for you sis!
I loved our chat and I'm so hoping in small way I helped you..
Sparkles & dump trucks sis!
Our talk really helped. I plan to go out into nature soon. ❤️
Good for you go to nature and enjoy every moment!
Yepper doodles more sparkles & dump trucks SIS!
❤️
Thanks to you for asking me what would help or I may have not gone out into nature.
Oh yippee you took my advice...I'm so happy for you...now did it help you?
Yepper doodles more sparkles and dump trucks SIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes and I’m planning on going tomorrow too ... hope you are well
Hello Starrlight 🌟 in so sorry you’re in this pain. I also suffered from the same but I’ve regained life over the last 10 yrs I’m recovery. How are you doing this morning. You can reach back n I will listen to your story.
Praying for you.
Thank you. What has helped most in your recovery?
God, acceptance, music, working, comedy and CBT You will be free one day. Never give up. My memory is wiped out. I can watch the same movie over n over n still feel like it’s the first time. Lol.
Turn your ashes into gold n never bow to a benzo!! 🙏☀️😁🌈💯♥️🍀. YOU GO GIRL!
thats so powerful releasing your thought and getting it out...you mean so much...your prayers are answered...
Thanks you mean so much too you are beautiful and I do hope you are right!
Hi Starr.
I am here,too. Sending you my love and support. I care about you. We are all here for you.
Can you maybe think of something to do that is different for you that might help. Remember baby steps.
I think on the road to recovery when we are depressed, we stand still a lot. Sometimes we even go backwards but we are still on that road and hanging in there for each other and those we love.
I am racking my brain trying to think of what different baby step to take because I definitely need a different plan to keep myself from falling into this same hole. It is so tiresome isn’t it, always fighting. I am glad you are going out today.
So keep talking to your friends here. You can communicate with them. They care and you have lots of offers to talk. And I care. ❤️💕🌻💖🔛🔙🔛🔙🔜🔝🔛
It IS tiring. I will feel better in nature. Love to you ❤️
What kind of hold have you been falling in?
It’s a deep hole and I can not seem to crawl out of it and I am tired of this happening. I want to do something different but I have not figured out what yet so I stay in it. I am much better away from the house. I want to escape from here.
Every time I get home, it’s the same old feeling. I slip too easily into it and I have to change that pattern at the point when I arrive home. Or better somehow prepare myself beforehand, but I have yet to figure out how.
Maybe I need a long range goal to work towards.
I still have not unpacked or gone through the mail or even done my laundry. The most productive thing I have done is brush my dog and taken them out in the woods for a walk. It ‘s pretty pathetic .
I think I am sick of dealing with everything and it is hard to move.
I will though, eventually (move), but only for the reason that in about 1O days we are leaving for a meeting ( a little work) for a week out of town and i will be gone again, which I enjoy. I want a permanent vacation!
We have been gone over 7 wks in the last 4 months. So many things around here need to be fixed and these interruptions are good for me but there is no momentum going forward.
Thanks for asking but maybe I should not have laid all that on you right now.
Sorry !
I am o k, just feeling a bit depressed and struggling right now and hoping to make my next arrival hope better.
I want to do different too. I hear you that you need to feel better. There will be better times. I just went out into nature and i can relate when you say it’s hard when home. Things need to be fixed here in my home too. It’s hard to keep up isn’t it? Where were you the 7 weeks?
Hi Starr.
It is very hard to keep up.
We went south into sunshine and warm weather.
Yes I’ll stay strong... going into nature soon.. it will pass but one of these times I feel like I won’t be able to wait anymore. I hope to become stronger.
How are you doing?
Hi Starr. We are here for you. Please try to stay strong (I know it is very hard). We are all here for you.
Thank you I will.
I truly hope you feel a little better today. It was a sunny day here but windy and cold. But I was glad to see the sun. 🌞🌞
Same! Cold but sunny ☀️ 😎 🌞 just came back from the lake.
You did get out and went to the lake. What was the best thing you seen today at the lake?
The sun shining down on the water making it sparkle.
I bet it was beautiful to see that. Coming home today I seen a couple of Merganser ducks in the river and they were leaving a little wake behind them while swimming. That was my good sighting of the day
Beautiful
I also took the dogs out a little while ago. The stars are brilliant tonight. No clouds at all which makes it even colder out there. So I didn't spend too much time enjoying the stars!
Hang in there, I know its definitely difficult.
Thank you
I hope you feel better
You are not alone!! 🙌🏼 I’m suffering too and wondering how much I can take. I’m tired of fighting so hard. And on top of all the depression is the guilt and shame for feeling this way. For some reason when I think of my son & husband I feel SO much guilt for being depressed. Like I choose to be going through this.
I hear you. We will get through. We are stronger than it seems I think.
I am feeling the guilt too, wondering how much better off they’d be if only I could get myself away from depression and anxiety but I’m afraid this is me... still praying for both of us.
Hey Starrlight. You are very strong minded. To be able to jot down your thoughts and feelings and making a post of it and reaching out like this when you're struggling so much. I admire you. And I believe in you. It will get better. And you'll realize how much stronger you are for having gone through it. We're here to support you 100%
Your words are uplifting but part of me doesn’t believe I will get through it... it seems like a life sentence and I don’t know how much more I can take.
Yeah, I get it. I’ve felt horrible and utterly defeated for a long time, but somehow managed to come out of it. Everything changes at some time or another. Awareness is key. Stay strong. I’m with you Starrlight
What helped you come out of it? It seems never ending
A few things, like medication, exercise, social supports. Which are all great for maintenance. But I think what’s important is to learn how to acknowledge and accept how you’re feeling and not identify it with your sense of self. You can pay attention to it and let it go. In other words, you are not your mind. That’s why awareness is so important. We can all learn to be the witnesses of our thoughts and emotions, which is an essential part of being present. You may even feel moments of ease within.
I’ll be trying. Sense of self is closely connected to how I feel and not sure how to change that.
Hi Starr.
Did you go out in nature today? How are you? We need you here and sticking together is our strength. Post when you feel like doing so . I /we are here. ❤️❤️
I did. I went to a lake I got some calm. Going again today. ❤️
Starr,
I hope you enjoy the lake today. I know you are tired of the depression. Please stay alive so you can keep enjoying the beauty in the world and keep knowing all the people who want to know you, help and take care of you. You are a beautiful person. You are important to many people.
Does it help you to exercise ? It raises those endorphins and may help. Hike or just walk ?
I’d love to see some of your photos if you feel comfortable sharing.
Is their anything regarding your photography that you can make into a goal ? Is it possible you could work on putting them together with a line or two of your thoughts and making a book ? I don’t know if that is realistic. But it would give you an outlet for your feeling, something to work on, and for others to identify with also.
I love nature also, especially the woods, animals , and the ocean, and good people. We are all part of nature. So please hang in there for yourself and everyone who cares about you and wants to take care of you as best we can.
Good for you for getting out to the lake two days in a row!
I hope you will feel better soon and keep feeling better. ❤️😘💕
You are amazing Poodie. Your words give me hope. Thank you 🙏 I will be brainstorming fir a photography goal. Maybe for now I can take pics of my kids to print out some black and white shots which I haven’t done in a while. I do like hiking... I walk or run many days.
Good to hear. And good for you for walking or running. I am going to the gym soon.
Have a great workout 🏋️♀️
Starrlight I honestly cant imagine what your going through, but I one thing I know you need right now in your life. And that's is true 100% positivity and I'm not saying just you but your whole environment. Get with people old people new people who ever can give you some of that positive energy . Go explore new things, change up your lifestyle. Go sky diving or if you already tried jumping off a plane try jumping in to the plane lol.. you get what I mean.. spice up your life and dont stop just keep pushing.
I know your thoughts are hard to control but it's your thoughts also keeping you alive so you know how powerful you are to change it all.
I wish the best for you. And no matter what you do , do it fresh and do ya best...🗽
Thanks QuichIsOnFire I will try switching things up and make life more spicy. 🌶
Yes please add more peppers to your meals. The more your tongue burns the more your gonna forget all your other problems. 🤣
Just kidding. Goodluck starrlight always nice to hear from you. Stay 💪
🤣 thanks... always good to hear from you too
I don’t know if I will make it through but I pray we both do.
Just make small changes. Replace bad habits with good habits. Do things you know will help you in the long run and make them habits. I’d try cold showers, meditation and exercise.
So true. I’ve tried all of those and they do help. I just have to trudge up out of my mess and apply. Thank you!!!
Just make them habits. Iv mediated every day for 5-6 months. For the last couple of weeks Iv been doing couch to 5k and been doing cold showers every morning. I’m not fixed not sure I ever will be but feels good to do good things everyday.
True it’s good to find what makes a day better I have been going out in nature and it helps.
This may sound strange but it may be worth to try probiotics. I've been taking 50 billion probiotics for months now and it has resolved so many problems for me. Severe panic attacks and depression, extreme fatigue etc. I've been really bad for years and have been off work for almost 3 years now and am finally attempting to return to work now because I'm almost back to normal. It took at least 4 weeks to see a significant difference but after 4 months and has even gotten more better. I can finally exercise without feeling like I'll die for hours afterwards. I believe the gut has a big role to play in our health and mental health. God bless.
I do drink kombucha.
I'm not sure if kombucha is enough. I've researched it in the past and there are many cons as well as some pros. I did a quick research and most kombucha contains small amounts of alcohol which isn't good for any bowel problems, even in small quantities. I also saw that it usually only contains thousands of probiotics when our gut needs billions, especially when most die on the way. To me it's like yogurt, it's not enough and you shouldn't drink too much kombucha also as it can be unhealthy. I take a 50B pill with 12 strains of probiotics and are slow release so that it can reach the large intestine. It's from Renew Life.
Thanks for the helpful info!!!
💕 holding your hand through this xx
❤️
How are you today?
Okay I guess. Thanks Hope!!! How are you? ❤️
Down in the dumps but trying to keep going
I’m glad you’re feeling okay 💕
🥰 Do you want to talk more about it? I hope it gets better for you. My day is going downhill but Remember we can start over our day any time. I wish for you moments of peace and joy. You are an amazing person you deserve all goodness.
Just woke up. I wake worried. I’m trying to calm myself. I’m so tired of the way I feel.
Anything from my kid’s cough to that I won’t be able to do what I need to do and suffer another day because of anxiety and depression... it tries to trick me away from the good stuff... I get disturbing triggers that are hard to put into words what is going on with me, my mind’s imagination really messes with me. I worry I will miss something important or do something unforgivable.
I remember feeling that way about my kids coughing, ear infections, etc. It seemed never ending and I felt defeated.
I think I needed to accept it and realize they will get better and also that I just needed to slow down and realize other things will get done in time. I struggled with that. I remember It was a tough time, especially not having family around to help, husband had long hours.
I hear you. It does get easier.
You are right... it gets better... then worse... better again and it comes in waves.
Perhaps it is lack of sleep. This weather can affect us all quite badly. I guess wondering about the future and whether you can cope with the kids when they are ill
and when you become run down too and you looking after the rest of your family.
Have you heard of PANDAS? I only heard of it recently, and it does explain a lot of problems which people are not aware of. Hope the sun comes out and you can go out
and take photos or do some art work..the kids love it don't they?
Took the kiddos out to the lake and took pictures. We’re having good times together.
Wow. it has been so cold here we have been in mainly. Bet those photos are fab.
Found a nugget of information which you might like. Vitamin B9 deficiency can prevent dopamine being created in the brain. Too much copper from water supply with oestrogen levels can affect mood and create psychiatric symptoms.
psychologytoday.com copper toxicity a common cause of psychiatric symptoms. If you have copper pipes for your water it may raise copper in water. I use a water filter to screen out pesticides and other factos. Copper fungicide sprays are used to kill bugs and is found in foods. It is a hidden world where we don't realise how we are eating toxins in the diet. B9 or folates can be found in foods myfooddata.com
revommends snickers chocolate bar beans avocadoes bran flakes and numerous other foods.
Ooooh interesting yeah I take my vitamin Bs and a bunch of other supplements/vitamins
No teaching a young dog old tricks! Ha. My waistband feels tight so it must be the cheese again!
My son 24 year old had a special water filter too. Then I have one attached to the fridge but it’s not high tech like his. Downstairs in our laundry room the pipes are copper so I wouldn’t drink of it. So many things to look out for in this world ugh 😑
Glad to know there is someone else who is fussy. Your son sounds youthful. Mine are
double that in age but it must be so great to be playing with the kids, We are lucky aren't we?
So true! My oldest runs like 10 miles some days. Yeah super healthy guy. My 7 year old just told me we have the perfect life because we’re together Do your children live close to you?
Yes family nearby and others up north. I'm a granny so I can imagine how
busy you are with kids aged 7years. Isn't that profound how your son has
summed up happiness you being together as a family. We have to go with the youth
and try to be there for them as long as we can. At the moment everyone who has suddenly confronted their mortality but wants to live cannot understand how someone with deep depression has missing chemicals in their brain so even though
they feel they have a choice they don't. Like you am drug sensitive, and feel better
when I am in control of my health, but when you have tests and find you need help at
least you have a fighting chance to survive. That's what you have to show to survive that you will find help and others will do their best to help you. You are not a lost
cause you are a mother and the best thing since sliced bread to everyone who loves
you..so you cant argue with that.
Hawii that’s just beautiful! You are beautiful. Thanks for sharing with me.
That makes you happy as you can see you are starr light..and me too knowing you are sun shine as well ,keeping your family warm.
🥰
I understand this so well
I’m sorry Starrlight ❤️
How are you today? ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
A little better ✨
Thank you so much for asking. 💗
How are you??
I’m happy for you ...Me too Brokenlight a little better 😊 let’s stay strong 💪
💪🏾❤️✨
Hello Starrlight,
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. However, I know what you are talking about I have had that same feeling about being tired of suffering and seeming like nothing is ever going to change. - Here are a few songs that help encourage and lift me up;
The Most Beautiful "Amazing Grace" I've ever heard - YouTube
youtube.com › watch
In the eye of the storm
X2FqFLKisys
I am not alone
MbbCGqK6uNc
I hope that you can find encouragement and hope in these songs.
The link didn’t bring me to songs... but thank you so much, I’ll try again.
I pray for you that all these things that you are going through will be gone. Stay strong. I believe in you. I know you are stronger than this.
I feel on the edge most of the time too. Sometimes hating myself for being like this. Hating myself for becoming this type of person that I don't want to be. I envy other people a lot cause I think they are so normal and I am not. But I know it's not my fault I am like this. I know there's a rainbow after all of these. 
Thank you!!! 🙏 😊 What comes to mind is that we are who we are supposed to be in the now or we wouldn’t be here and we will see that in a brighter light on the good days ... on the bad, we may not believe any of the positive .,.but all we can do is our best holding on to be there for ourselves and others.
Thanks I reread your comment and you reminded me I am strong. Blessings to you
Welcome. I am glad to help.
TW: Self harm and suicidal ideation 
Amitriptyline & suicidal thoughts
Suicidal Thoughts
(TW) Help with passive suicidal ideation