For a few days, my wife has been having strange behaviours and saying. She speaks a lot about god (I am not a believer) and it feels like she's about to die, at least in her mind.
This is not the first time she behaves that way, she's got bipolar syndrom and I am quite of used to her changing her mood in a fast way.
Today, I would like to share how heavy this is to me. I do not feel well, I do not feel at my best. I feel like a forever looser and as someone that can not be neither appreciated nor loved.
Added to my wife's behaviour, I let you imagine how unwell I feel and how I would like this all to stop. I have been having a few sips of whisky and am trying to spend my time talking to people, just to socialize, on the internet.
I feel sad and abandonned, alone and with no horizon nor project.
I am sorry, dear friends, to not be as happy and "hot hearted" as I used to be.
Take care
Love from France
O
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OtOFrance
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We work hard, or overwork or simply use our muscles wrong - it all happens and we get unwell. It is time to concentrate on yourself and health. These are warning signs we should not ignore. Rest up, relax or enjoy time off work or doing something strenuous. Have someone look after you for couple of days, if can. I hope everything improves and mood changes, book that holiday or time off work!
We need people to talk with, laugh and enjoy time with. I always try to cheer people up and the older generation really love a good chat or even polite chat. Talk at bus stop or where ever you are - you will feel better and so will they
Don't ever give up - Your body will feel better soon, good dinner and soup and salad and warm relaxing bath - your body will thank you - you have time to overcome problems, stress and troubles - use your time to balance and restore - music?
May sound weird to some, I am spending my time looking for spare parts to fix my boat engine. This keeps my brain busy and our of those grey thinkings !
And, off course, this discussion with you Hidden is a gift to me, keeps me connected to the real life !
I am not even sure it is or not a project, more a time spender or something similar. I wanted to go and have a farewell to my dad journey for all summer long but have had failures each times I have tried. Some may think I have been under protection, some may think I have been unlucky, other I was improperly prepared. I am part of the last two ones !
Hi from Texas. I feel lonely on this earth, also. Just know others share the same feelings. You are only human. If possible, do something for yourself for a little while that gives your mind and body a break. I love scenic, beautiful places outside. Ducks in a pond, autumn leaves, fields with flowers. Unfortunately the area in Texas I live is not very scenic. I would love to live somewhere I could step outside and just take in the beauty of the place. I don't know where in France you live, but I've seen lots of pictures of beautiful countryside. It seems like a very pretty country. Get outside and enjoy some scenery and the sunset when you can. Right now here everything is brown and dried up due to heat and drought. I'd love to be in France. Soak in some nature. You deserve it. Bless you!
Hello Horsesarebeautiful I hope you are fine today,
Thank you for your message.
As dumb as it can look, knowing that "I am not alone" feeling the same thing makes it lighter to carry, really.
I know what I would love to do, but mechanical issues won't let me do it. Take my small boat, go in the middle of the sea and read a book.
I did it last June, for the first anniversary of my Dad's passing, and it was really a great time. Just, it was interrrupted a vast number of times by my mum who always had things to ask me.
I enjoyed that day - It is on that day that I had this mechanical issue BTW - but could not complete the enjoyment, have a peaceful thought to dad and time for myself.
Since he passed - in June 2022 - and my wife had her leg accident, I feel like I have not lived a single day just for myself, filled with selfish and assumed egoism. There's always been someone who came and asked me something.
I also know I am partly responsible for this, I could lock the door, turn the phone off and block my ears. I feel like I am responsible for everyone and everyone's problem is my problem.
I know how lucky I am, and this makes me shameful complaining, to live in such a nice country as France. I live in Brittany, Western part of France, not far from Saint-Malo (about 50 miles away from "Mont Saint Michel") and we do have a beautiful country.
But I feel empty, like a too much used towel, with no will and no desire.
Really sorry for complaining, I know I should not !
Take Care
Love from France
O
Me, on the sea, for the first anniversary of my dad's passing away.
I am quite old and have been through some serious issues - you should never give up - life has it's turns but you have to live
Hang in there. Rooting for you. It’s a stumble, you will rise. Maybe ur wife is dealing with her own stuff too, try not to personalize it too much as difficult as that is. Focus on yourself and positive affirmations. Clear your head in meditation or any kind of calm exercise and enjoy ur drink in celebration of standing tall, not to be down. Hugs.
Cry it out. Vent it out. The emotion is ok and what’s causing it will turn to positive. Glad ur focusing in ur work and on ur inventive side. You’re just in the thick of it at the moment. Have some good fromage too. Lifting you in good vibes. Keep us posted. Rooting for u.
it sounds like your wife is also unwell mentally at the moment. I know when I am in a bad cycle it is extremely lonely and difficult for my husband. He abandons his own self care to survive the crisis. He has somewhat of a plan of action his therapist has helped him to create for these times. He has built a small network of friends he can speak with to stay connected, and hobbies he engages in to keep his mind busy. I’d imagine for him when all I can speak about is anxiety and what my panic attacks feel like it’s probably miserable conversation with me. He needs other, more stimulating conversation. In times past he would feel the need to stay home from work with me, and be with me to protect me. Now he compartmentalizes and goes to work even if I’m begging him to stay. He now has the knowledge my feelings are very skewed and while big to me, it will pass. In relationships both people need to be healthy regardless what the other is going through. For me, as he “gets on” with things it pulls me out much quicker. It has taken us many years to reach this place. Once the crisis has ended for me, we begin to reconnect and the foundation hasn’t been disturbed. And he avoids a crisis himself. Perhaps you could attempt to engage your wife in a way that you normally wouldn’t with her own limitations in mind. A puzzle, watch a show together, rebuild a foundation together. I think care takers probably feel an immense amount of guilt feeling happy and laughing when the one who can’t get out of bed can’t engage these things. But you have to go on living and experiencing so she has a world to rejoin. For me, as I watch him getting on my brain becomes bored of the anxiety and it starts to let go.
Thank you very much for your message. The more I was reading it, the more I was seeing my life in your words.
I love her and do not want to let her away. All I want is a happy and balanced life, with good and bad moments like in every couple, but not that extreme and exhausting.
I am sad saying that I feel better when she's sleeping than when I am with her, as I know that I will not receive any criticism of any sort, whatever the topic.
I try to create this group of friends and live new experiences with them. And I try to talk to her about those friends, what we do together, what we talk about, to keep her in contact with an other reality but me. I have only been doing it for a few months (I became a Freemason in last May and some Lodge members have become good friends) so it has not made any result so far, hopefully it will, some days.
Thank you, again and again, for your kind and nice words, you can not imagine how helpfull they are to me !
Sometimes we have to do the things we know are healthy and let the feelings come when they come. It sounds like you are doing those things. I’m so sorry you feel over criticized and I’d assume probably unheard as well by your wife. We all deserve to feel worthy, heard and accepted. Loving someone who is not well mentally is very difficult. It takes a massive toll. Carve out space for yourself, you deserve that. Has your wife seen anyone professionally that can help? It sounds like she could really benefit from some intervention medically. Whether that’s medication and/or therapy. Bipolar is a serious condition, and meds are extremely difficult to dial in. And it doesn’t seem to stick, tweaks are constantly necessary. The best thing you can do for not only yourself but also her is to be healthy. Focus on your own well being. No one can help when they are tapped out. I wish you happiness and peace today. Keep reaching out, this is a wonderful community.
My wife has seen many doctors and she's under lamictal 100, twice a day. Usually, her curves are pretty limited from "top" to "bottom". For a few months, since she had an important accident a year ago to be more precise, this curve has grown and the "tops" are higher while the "bottoms" are lower.
To let you understand, my wife had back problems (sciatic nerve) and, a year ago, during our anniversary, she lost control of one leg. She fell and broke both bones (tibia and fibula). Since then, she lost much sensitivity in her leg and feet and I feel like I am the responsible of this accident, because I was the one who planned the things we should have done when it occured.
My deep soul knows that whatever or wherever we'd have been, the accident would have occured. But the path is long from "deep soul" to "consciousness", I hope you understand what I mean.
Each time I try to talk about her condition (bipolarity) she claims that I use it as an "excuse" to everything and this ends the discussion. I already wrote a letter to her doctor explaining the situation and condition, he switched her back - it was during a stop attempt - to lamictal, but my feeling is that this is not enough anymore, the accident she had has added the "too much" to what she lives.
I am sorry if this post is long, it is really helpful and makes me feel fine to write down things, I think it is a part of "my" therapy.
Oh my goodness. This makes me so sad. Thank you for sharing more of your story. I want to be sure I am connecting properly with you by truly getting exactly what you’re saying. Sometimes I have trouble understanding, so forgive me if I am not. Are you saying that before her fall her meds seemed to be working properly to control the cycling but since then she is cycling more rapidly and extreme? Did she hit her head? Or is there perhaps some PTSD after the accident? First off, you are not to blame. Accidents happen all the time. Please don’t allow yourself to have guilt because you planned the activities. It sounds like you had planned an anniversary trip and something went wrong. It happens. I feel confident her falling wasn’t a part of your plan!!! I think you’re absolutely right that it may have happened anyways… and who knows it could have been far worse. I stand by I really think she needs to see a professional. It sounds like the mood stabilizer isn’t quite doing it’s job. What is the medical care process like in France? I know many people with bipolar who need in patient care to stabilize here and there. It’s a tricky one. Is that an option? In my opinion, she is using this fall as an excuse to not get things strait. She is responsible for her own health and well being. She needs to get up out of that bed, get into some physical therapy and get that leg back in shape. It’s a broken leg, people break legs everyday. Even if she has some nerve damage it doesn’t warrant lying in bed all the time. That’s the depression. She owes it to herself to seek the proper help.
Thank you for those words. It is so painfull for me to admit thats she has things to do to feel better and she does not.
She did not hurt her head in this accident, one of her leg’s nerves (spinal one ? Not sure) was cut when her bones broke and she can not move her toes upward anymore, making walk very difficult and painfull, obviously.
I don’t mean she’s the source of all my bad being, just trying to sort things out, what's on my side and what's not.
I love her more than anyone and I could do anything to help her get out both off of this accident and her mood trouble. I married her for best the good and the bad, I do not forget this.
Thank you for the time you spend trying to help me
I’d assume her depression is the source of her not getting up. In the mean time you have to sort yourself so you can be who you want to be for her. Hopefully she can reach a place where she’s ready to join you and by then you’ll know how to help her rejoin life. I wish you all the best. Keep in touch! Keep moving forward!! Thanks for the wonderful chat today!
Hello MindfulMoment and please excuse me for not replying before !
My assumption is also that my wife is highly dispressed and needs help. I try to find a "common place" where we both can meet again, but it looks like I lose her after a few minutes, as if she did not enjoy or did not want to be there and then.
It all - the "crisis" of those days - started with a TV show we saw last week where women meet farmers to marry them. Most women are between 45 and 65. My wife is 43, will turn 44 in next February. She told me "I do not want to look like those old ladies, I'd rather die". Since then, it looks like she's standed on this "old looking" women (must admit that some had used a bit too much makeup which made them look like stolen cars btw) and compares to themselves.
I keep telling her that not only she does not look like those ladies and I love her not for what she looks like but for herself, it is like if she'd faced the truth all of a sudden and can not get out of a "nightmare". Not sure if I am clear and I beg your pardon if I am not.
Bless her heart I feel sad for your wife. That’s such a difficult place to be. With all mental illness comes a lack of self esteem. She is probably entering or already going through the change as well which comes with it’s own challenged for us women for sure. I can definitely relate to her. I am certainly no spring chicken anymore, my hair is going all grey and the extra pounds from 4 children has changed me. My husband on the other side definitely looks younger than me and still has a young man’s body for sure. Self love isn’t something anyone can give to you. Is she receptive at all to advances or compliments from you? Sometimes just feeling desired and intimate without it being sexual is a great self esteem boost. When she was well what things did you two enjoy together?
Hi again MindfulMoment Thank you for your message,
When she was fine, we enjoyed having pic-nics, just walk along river, discuss philosophy or politic.
Sometimes, just stand, sat to next other, her being in my arms and watching whatever stupid TV show was broadcasted. I would say that we loved being together.
We had "old couple" uses, for example every Tuesday evening French Fries and every day evening a cheese platter (we're french after all). I have kept those "traditions", but there's no more pleasure in her eyes when we follow them
We enjoyed it.
And I miss it, a lot. I know - well, I imagine - how difficult it can be for women to see their body change, both internally and externally but I do not know what the right words to tell are to help her, what the right things to do are to help her.
I want my wife back in short, and I want her happy. But one can not force anyone to be happy !
I’d imagine you miss her when you’re in the same room with her. It sounds like you guys shared a wonderful life together and that life is still possible. You seem to be so empathetic towards her even in spite of the burden you are carrying around. When you do try to do the old things that once gave her pleasure does she engage at all in them or reject them? Perhaps just being with her is helpful, she may feel lonely as well. I think you are definitely on the right track. First is getting her the proper medical care, once she finds that I have a feeling you’re efforts will begin to be noticed again. There is always hope. One day her eyes will sparkle full of life and enjoyment again. In the mean time just try to find ways to fill your own bucket. I have been on both sides of things. I have my own panic disorder but my husband came back from the wars with PTSD. I have so much compassion for you, it’s so difficult to see someone you love lose themselves. Just because your partner can’t find joy doesn’t mean joy can’t exist. Find joy for yourself until you can once again share it together.
She does not reject me when I take her in my arms. She soon gets asleep and I stand, like this, not moving a finger not to wake her or bother her.
I am far from being the biggest sufferer here, I know she does not feel well at all either. Just ... I am stuck in "what can I do ?". I know there is not clear answer to that question because it is a human question. And also because the answer depends on each and everyone.
I feel I do not deserve to be happy, I feel I do not deserve to enjoy or to "fill my bucket" as you say.
At the moment, it is 9 o'clock PM, she's sleeping, we did not have diner yet and I do not know if I should go and offer her diner or let he sleep for the night.
Oh bless you. You absolutely deserve happiness, security, joy, respect and a partner that has the capability to give back to you. She is broken right now, you seem to have accepted that. She needs some hard love and a push to start the process to wholeness and wellness. She probably doesn’t realize how unwell she truly is. With depression it’s easy to just wither away, not care for yourself and just sink into the deep deep hole. It’s just so difficult to pull yourself out of. Her meds are not giving her the push to get in the path. That’s the very first step. As far as the night, if it was me I’d use the evening to do something to care for myself. What do you enjoy? What makes you feel relief and joy apart from her? Go do that. Guilt free. You can certainly ensure she is also given the opportunity to join and if she chooses not to that’s ok too. My instincts say she needs to be inpatient somewhere. She is way out of balance and it’s only going to get worse without a psychiatrist handling things. Not because you don’t want to deal with her but because you love her and she isn’t capable of helping herself right now. Does she have other family or friends you could have come be with her so you could have some time guilt free away from home and recharge? An unwell, exhausted, tired, frazzled person is no help to anyone. Same as on an airplane we put our mask on first before helping another, you’ve got to make yourself a priority. For HER sake.
Sorry you’re having a bad time 💚 it’s true nobody can totally understand what you’re going through but as you can see by your replies you’re not completely alone, it always seems to be that there’s always someone on here that can at least get some of how you feel. I hope things start to improve for you soon x
You are absolutely right, there is always someone around to discuss with and to support each other and I am more than thankfull to this place to exist in that topic !
I am so sorry that you are feeling like this, it cannot be easy for you. I imagine it cannot be easy for your wife feeling the way she does either. Do you have anyone to talk to about this? Have you considered a therapist so you have someone just for you? Perhaps it wold be of benefit if your wife had a therapist??? I hope you find a solution
I do see a therapist. Well, I see 2 on a regular basis. A psychiatrist for the medicines (in France they are the only ones who can make a prescription) and a psychologist to talk and discuss.
My wife does not see anyone and she says she does not need. I off course can not force her in any way to, just I let her know how bad or sad I feel and let her figure out how her behaviours have an impact on that way of being.
Hello to all my friends who are following this thread.
I have taken a decision this morning. Based on the fact that I am not a doctor and my wife can say whatever she wants - or not say - to the doctor when se he meets him, I wrote a letter I have dropped in to the doctor's mailbox explaining him everything, what I live and how she behaves.
The "good news" is that she's going to the doc tomorrow, for her legs problems. And, knowing her doctor, I know, I hope should I say, that he'll catch my SOS message and take the opportunity to speak with my wife and try to help her a little more.
Some may think I am not courageous enough or do it in her back. I just need the help from a "man of science" to who know what to tell and how to it.
I just keep my fingers crossed so that it makes things move in to the right way.
Today, my wife is not too bad. Was angry this morning because I had done the laundry and she sees it as her "own" domain, but this is a detail.
Please keep your fingers as crossed as possible that what I have done helps !
As I said in my last message, I keep you informed. I asked for your help, it is nothing but justice tell you where things are going.
My wife met the doctor yesterday, and he talked to him about my letter. He called me and offered to have a discussion with my wife and him, so that there is no "he/she did not tell me this or that" thinking.
We had this surprisingly peaceful discussion, the doctor sent my wife to meet a psychiatric nurse at the hospital and she has an urgent appointment with a pysuchiatrist this afternoon.
She does not seem neither angry nor unhappy about the letter I wrote to the doctor, the only thing she does not understand is "why now". I will explain her, later, how worry and bad I felt and why I needed someone to look after her and care for her, time for me to heal back.
Let's keep most fingers crossed that things will go better soon !
I have spent the early afternoon caught up in your story and am curious, how are you? How is your wife? you are a good and polite and well spoken man. I wish the very best for you.
Hello and thank you, litethatnevergoesout I hope you are fine,
I am very grateful to you for this reading. My wife started going to a psychiatrist after I gave the letter to her doc. As IIT is very difficult in France to get an appointment with any doctor - whatever his specialty is - I asked mine if he'd accept, even if it is something they don't like (treating the 2 members of a couple) to urgently meet her.
He accepted and, the next day, he met her. She is in to a very deep depression and he gave her some drugs as a medical treatment, and more appointments as a "human" treatment.
The good side of this "2 members of a couple", and I could see it when I met him for me 3 days ago, is that he can provide not only help to me or her, he can also, even if this is not the centre of the appointment, we're not in a couple therapy, some "you should avoid".
As an example, he told me "you do many many things for your wife, don't you ?". I understood that, where I was trying to make her life easier first past her accident not to increase HR pain, second because I consider that we, men, are in debt with women for the centuries of suffering we made them endure, I wanted to do all tasks at home, from floor to roof as we say in French, I was making her feel useless and was exhausting myself, reducing unconsciously my sleeping time to ensure everything was ready and shining when she got up every morning.
This being said, I know I need to change and, even if I am not a god believer at all, I am a life believer. Overall, I think that things are linked and happen for a reason. My philosophical thinking, I am a Freemason, makes me see life as a succession of events we either initiate or undergo.
Last Thursday, I woke up with fever, bad being, pain in every muscle and joint. And, moreover, pain in the lower of the back, around the kidneys. Being naturally worried, I went to the local laboratory of medicine (please forgive me if this is not the right word) and made an urinal analysis (must be called a CBUE in English) and got an urgent appointment with my GP.
He found a prostatic infection, just the new name of an urinal infection, and gave me a treatment with 2 strong warnings. If things do not get any better or get worse within 2 days, you go to the hospital and the fact that this treatment can be dangerous to tendons. Do I must not sollicitate any tendon for the next 4 weeks. Meaning that I have no choice but let my wife help me and "do the things".
I think you now understand the "things are magically linked" philosophy.
And, off course, she's able to perform 99 % of daily tasks ! I am not talking about bear chasing or wood cutting, just basic day to day things I did not leave her do before.
So, and I am sorry for being that long, even if I do not feel as well as I would love to, I feel today better than last Thursday - meaning no need for hospital - and I have opened the door to the wife I had left outside of the business for too long.
This is a huge change, I may say a shame, for me, that she's in charge of so many things and of me. But, the truth is there, she can manage and I must accept it, period !
Now, about my psychological state ; my psychiatrist thinks I am someone in need of doing things, many things. Home work, studies, writing, two jobs, loads of projects. But I have never been the aim of any of my projects.
So he's indisted at several occasions that I must do things for myself only. Things that will make me feel happy, better or just well. And I have started, at the age of 47, without a diploma, to "be recognised" as someone able to do things. For that, I need to get an official recognition, and I have applied to a training in next spring that will, over 4 weeks, not only remind me tha basics I learnt at school, but will also grant me an official diploma (level 5 diploma, engineer level) based on my work and life experience, if I am at the level of that training.
This is not going to change a single thing in my life, just the way I look at myself, not anymore as an impostor, but as a legitimate man with a legitimate diploma.
In the same time, I am now meeting a nutritionist who is going to help me reach a "two numbers" weight. Around 30 kilos - about 60 pounds - to lose, made of fat and protection against the outer world I think.
This is wher I am now and how I feel. I really appreciate your questioning and the interest you have shown to me, thank you very much.
OtOFrance, thank you for your reply and update. I’m glad to hear that you were able to get an appointment with the specialist so soon, and that you’re wife and you take things on together. it’s great to hear that she’s able to take on tasks, although it took you being in uncomfortable pain to slow down how much you were doing, not really meaning to take responsibility away from your wife in having some purpose sharing the floor to roof tasks.
I like your philosophy on life that things are connected. it’s great to know that you are able to have an opportunity to get a diploma. I know what you mean about it not changing your life and that it makes you feel a deeper sense of accomplishment.
Your English is very good I must say. it’s a pleasure to learn that things are working out, I’m happy to hear this update.
I’ve been thinking about you since I read your story and am thankful for the reply. it’s very inspiring to me.
I hope the pain you feel goes away and that your wife can feel better and hopefully heal from the challenges she faces.
love from the US to you in France
I hope to learn that things will continue to look brighter for you.
I would really appreciate keeping in touch with you, it is great pleasure to have a discussion with someone from an other country, an other culture ...
"What does not make me more poor makes me more rich" is one of my motto !
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