Why can't I tell how I feel?

[Caseopia]

I feel silly expressing this but I have noone to talk to. I've been seeing someone for a few a few months..my temporary roomate and best friend. I usually adore him and try to do anything to make him happy but all of a sudden a few hours ago, I'm getting deep resentment about how he treats me or lack there of and I just want to run away and never say goodbye while he is sleeping. Part of me all of a sudden got this fear that "what if " he is like my extremely abusive ex when I was younger. He shows no sign of it except a little over bearing. He is gentle, loyal and caring. But he always pokes fun at me, says he is "just kidding" and doesn't give me any compliments or say how he feels for me. My biggest concern is with my paranoia, depression and anxiety, I haven't been able to keep any real friendships. Am I self sabotaging or is my gut telling me something? I dont know what is rational verse irrational right now. Does anyone else experience this? I don't think I'm in a clear enough state to talk to him about it just yet.

[Pink49]

When you say he is poking fun at you what types of things does he say? Does he know you have mental health issues? It seems like a lot of this is just in your head if he hasn’t really done anything. But if you are uncomfortable with the relationship maybe you need some space. Who’s apartment is it. Can you ask him to leave? If he can’t leave just tell him you need some space and focus on yourself instead of the relationship. Do something just for yourself that doesn’t involve him.

[Caseopia in reply to Pink49]

I'll admit a lot may be in my head. He is not abusive. But He says remarks like "ewww you're sweaty and greasy" which i get from anxiety and he knows that I'm insecure and embarrassed by my hot flashes. He is completely aware of my mental state and issues. He makes jokes that he thinks I used to be a "working lady" on the streets (I'm not using the word. It's harsh) so it caused an issue with one of his friends who believed the joke. He has said before, "why do you get "molested"so much. What Are you doing" like my past abuse is my fault. He uses my past and makes jokes out of it. He makes jokes I smell...stupid stuff. The list goes on. Then he says he is just kidding and he says he is just stupid but I dont know why he feels he can talk to me like that. I'm not any of those things he makes jokes at. It's making my anxiety and insecurity worse around him. It is his apartment. I've been staying with him until I love into my new place next week as I've been homeless. But you're right. I need to do something for myself, without him. All I do is with him involved. Its suffocating. He hates if I go somewhere alone but I think I'll go treat myself to a hair cut, alone. I do need to focus on me. Thank you so much. You were very helpful.

[Pink49 in reply to Caseopia]

I’m glad you are getting your own place!!! Congratulations!!!! Once you get it don’t let it go no matter what!!!

[Hidden in reply to Caseopia]

I am a guy. I would never say stuff like that to a woman. Especially in front of someone. If it because of a condition and I knew it there's NO WAY I'm saying like that. Inconsiderate and rude on his part. Yes I believe you will be better without him. There's somebody out there that will love you for you. You will be the apple of their eye. You will see how a real guy will treat you versus an idiot.

[Caseopia in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I talked to him and he said it's nervous jokes but I told him it's wrong. I told him I would leave him. He has stopped and got over his shyness of being a romantic. Not sure how long it'll last. His best friend whom he doesn't talk to you now b because of this, approached me in a sexual manner and it was so disrespectful and degrading. I don't understand. I don't dress or act provocative but this stuff happens a lot. I hate it.

[Hidden in reply to Caseopia]

I wish the best for you.

[Caseopia in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I never stood up for myself all my life. I'm working on it in therapy. Am I wrong for staying? I feel confused.

[Hidden in reply to Caseopia]

Only you will know if you're wrong for staying. If you're still confused maybe that is a sign that you are wrong. Your thinking may be "it could happen again". Then it starts all over and the arguing starts all over again.If it was me if give it one more shot and see what happens. Otherwise I am out the door. Just don't let it keep happening to you.

[Caseopia in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. You're right. One more time and I will end it.

[Hidden in reply to Caseopia]

Good luck!!