stuggling hard these days

[call07noir]

I get no sleep anymore. I just toss and turn. Trying to find a therapist who’s taking new clients is very difficult. Energy and motivation deprived. Trying to push past it all. Trying to make the changes that I need to to better myself. It feels like the world just wants to keep dragging me back. Dragging me back down. I desperately want to move forward. I’m trying to make the changes but I don’t have the help and support that I really need. Trying to find it. Is hard. Because he’ll these days cost money. And good help is expensive. No one wants to help you unless they get something out of it. Like getting paid. And I don’t have income anymore. I’m a total failure at life. I have been a failure my whole life. No one cares about that. I want to end it all. That’s all I think about these days. Crisis hotline sent me here for help. I may have to reach out to them again soon. So much anxiety. So much depression. I wish life was easier. But it’s only going to get harder. Especially the older I get. I wish I had more family support. But I don’t. I wish I had friends. But I don’t. I wish a lot of things. But they won’t happen.

[PuzzleArt]

There are many reasons why we can lose contact with any reliable, or loyal friends. It does take time to get in touch again, and it is not too soon to find them, but not too late either. Waiting a long time for something is very discouraging. However, suffering a long time up until now, does not mean things will always get harder. Some changes in myself which I wanted to see were not visible. I was in a state of mind for a long time that seemed permanent. There are many things I recovered from, which seemed unlikely to family and friends. And also, if you have a doctor, who really doesn't believe in his/her heart that it is possible to get better, the message is contagious. It may be based on the doctor's own experience with certain other patients, or from relying on statistics, or misreading and misunderstanding research. It may not be who you are. (Most doctors do not have time to do research). I am talking about serious illness which is disabling, and a lack of concentration, that can prevent a person from getting a paid job. This site: HealthyUnlocked has helped me to have a place to communicate, while I am working on the goal of meeting people in person to replace, at least in part, the friends I have lost over time. Family members often do not understand, and their support can be non-existent. The pain you feel is inevitable, but changes are happening all the time, and they do not always make things worse. I have recovered from some bad mental conditions, and I still do not know, how or why the conditions started, and don't know how or why they ended. And I don't think anyone else knew the entire story either. Gradual changes happen you can't see, and when you are in the middle of extreme pain, and are difficult to endure. I'm not talking about "positive thinking" or using "will power". I am talking about gradual positive changes that can be happening below the surface,and we can't see any difference, maybe for years. I can only see and believe it, or have positive thoughts once it is obvious. I am a "wimp" when it comes to pain. I am often a "negative thinker". And I am a "slow learner", but I have to think for myself no matter what other people think about it. I believe every person is an individual, and has a different personality and thoughts appropriate to that individual. Even "Siamese twins", who are physically attached at birth, and have to remain that way, because surgery to separate them could cause one or both to die; even they have separate egos and personalities. Unfortunately, they have to learn how to compromise and work things out, including taking turns sitting or standing. That is why I wasn't born that way, as I probably would have wanted to kill my twin. ( I am pretty independent). Living that way might be comparable to living by ourselves, with a mind that is temporarily against us We can't understand it, and think it will plague us forever. I believe in a solution only because I lived to experience it. I have to see it to believe it Yes, there can still be problems to solve, and discomfort and anxiety can still show up, but at such a low level, it is bearable for me. It still allows for creative thinking and the possibility of pleasant times. ( I don't know how many people would agree with me, because what I was told, or what was implied is that there was no cure for my condition). One more example is: as I got older, I believed I was getting Alzheimer's, because of the way people talked to me, and because my mother had it. I went back to college, at first online, then in person. I got a degree in mathematics, and did as well as I had in my twenties, which was more A's than B's. (This was after I had some recovery from the painful mental condition I had, that I thought would never end). I still am a bit of a "worrywart" but I accept myself as I am now, not perfect and not meant to be. No one is perfect and should not be giving advice if they haven't been where you are, whether family or friends. However, they probably feel compelled to advice anyway thinking it might help you. It can be like a lot of static that can interfere with our ability to concentrate, that may take time to get there Meanwhile, there are groups on the phone, online and email, and also in- person groups, if we are able to attend, that all can help with support, and some easing of the pain.

suffering a king

[gajh]

I am so sorry that you are struggling hard. I am sorry that you are alone with it all. Keep reaching out to the Crisis Hotline. They are there for you and they care. Hopefully you will find support through HealthUnlocked. There are people who care. Remember all you have to get through is one day at a time. Try not to worry about the future being harder. Just focus on what you can do today to make it a little bit easier. What can you do today to feel a little bit better? Contact Crisis Hotline. Maybe watch a good movie. Anything that works for you. I wish you the best. I do care. You are not alone.

[LoveforAll41]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this call. I know that you are not a failure because you are still trying. I think that the only true failure is giving up, and many times success is just living one more day.

Know that income does not give us value, success does not give us value, just being us is where our value comes from. I know that there is hope out there, and that things can certainly change. I thnk that life can get easier if we are able to get the right tools in our toolbag. I struggle because I feel my worth is tied to my productivity, but I am slowly trying to learn how to work smarter not harder.

I remember calling the crisis line and having a good cry. We have to do whatever it takes. I know there are a lot of free resources out there. Youtube has a lot of videos, there are free podcasts etc. I like Dr David Burns' work. He has a book "Feeling Great" and a podcast called The Feeling Good Podcast. I think he even has a TedTalk.

I wish you peace, hope, and strength

[EndUser13]

Welcome to the forum!

When you're suffering it can be hard to consider the possible good that can be achieved, I feel for you. I don't know what it's like to be you but I can relate to some of what you've said.

...that being said, I think you need to be kind to yourself. Successes may seem rare and impossibly slow sometimes, but even 'failure' can be turned into a success if you can learn from it. You can't expect everything to suddenly turn around over night, but how will you find success if you cannot be fair to yourself? Start small and rack up the wins, even if that means getting through the day and offering some basic self-care.

[Cheeriosatmidnight]

Do you have a church you go to? Many of them have resources and small groups you can join to meet people.

[SurvivingEveryday in reply to Cheeriosatmidnight]

That is good advice! Churchs, local groups, charities all offer resources and groups that might work for you.

[Cheeriosatmidnight in reply to Cheeriosatmidnight]

Yes I do. They have many small groups I can join and I have joined some.

[SurvivingEveryday]

Hey call07noir,

I know how you feel, truly. I went through a messy divorce- lost my home, my husband, my job, some friends, his family. At the same time I divorced my siblings who were weighing me down. I moved to a new place- 1,000 miles away in a place I hate! I am here with no job, no insurance and no real hope sometimes. I have been in inpatient facilities, and have been on medication but it doesn't always help.

But, you can survive. Heck, you can even thrive.

I know you don't believe it right now. It is because everything is so crazy and whirling around you that you cannot see that you matter, and that things CAN get better.

For me, I look at it in the way that I will save MYSELF, because no one wants to help me. I can get food stamps, apply for financial help/unemployment, and I can look for people to talk to. It might take you a day, maybe a month... who knows. But, try to slow down and solve one issue at a time. Most things can be done online, which is cool. Try to set some things up where you can solve some of these things that are reachable, and then take on something else.

I hope this doesn't sound rude. I am just trying to help and point out what I did. I stayed in bed for SIX days one time. Literally, only got up to use the restroom and get food. I realized that the problem was not ME, it was that everyone else were jerks. I decided to let myself save myself and in the process love myself. I am trying to right now- it is hard sometimes- but I think you can do it too

I am ALWAYS here if you need to talk.

[catmousefish]

G-d is always there next to you waiting for you to talk. You have all of us who listen to you. Take life one day at a time. Start a journal to see what's bothering you and when you do sleep write your dreams down. Don't look at the phone or monitor screen before going to bed as it will mess up your sleep patterns. Meditate before sleep time or say a prayer.

much love,

me

[UkyoCoanccy]

👋 helloI can relate to how you are feeling right now. I understand a bit. I also understand the frustration that you feel because it seems that everything is going against you. But in my experience, I have obtained strength when I try to remember how much I have struggled to be here in this point of my life and how do I struggle to get what I have. Well, I don't have much, but I think I have the most important thing in my life, my son and my mother. That is all what I have. I think that you did not live an easy life either. I am sure that you had you own battles to win in order to get here where you are right now. You are a strong person. But you haven't noticed yet. Right now you have another battle ahead, but you are not alone.

A lot of times we don't have all what we want in the way we want them. Sometimes our battles seem difficult. But that is because we forgot how did we get here. How many times did we fail but later we stand up with more strength because we had to learn how to overcome from those problems. Also we forget to see the beauty among all our problems. I know you still can find the beauty around you. It can be anything, from the most insignificant detail to the most awesome thing in your life. If you try to remember how strong you really are, and if you look for those beautiful things, you will feel more strong. Remember, I know that it is a cliche but this is true. You can lose some battles but you won't lose the whole war.

I am sure there are people that also need emotional help because in this moment they are experiencing something that probably you already lived. You have experiences to share. Of course some experiences are good and others are not, but they brought you until these time and point of your life. So do not give up. You need help and I know you will find it. But also a lot of us need you too. Sometimes it is just a single phrase, a word, or just to be listened what can give us all what we are looking for.

This will pass as your old problems did. Just do not give up. 🙏 Please

Hugs for you and I hope you feel better soon.

[Hidden]

I can relate to a lot of how you feel. These days, I find myself reaching out to crisis lines more because my attempts to improve my life haven't been working. I'm trying more, and giving myself more to be disappointed about before I have a proper support system - so it makes sense. I wish a lot too...for friends and a family to talk to. I'm also in the same boat about being a failure my entire adult life. I usually just try to remind myself that I did not give birth to myself, it wasn't my responsibility to raise myself or prepare myself for adulthood. And that usually keeps me from self deprecating, but all of that's been much harder to reframe lately.. because I'm being bombarded with bad memories, terrifying possibilities and all the facts about adulthood. Stress/overwhelm makes it hard to stay in productive states of mind. I have been the most miserable I have ever felt these past few days.

[call07noir in reply to Hidden]

I find your post relatable. I have had very similar circumstances. I find now that my only support system is trusting in Jesus and praying to him. I use the crisis line as well these days. Having little to no family support has been and was extremely detrimental to my upbringing as well. I can only hope that my faith in God is strong enough to be saved by Him who suffered for us all.