This is hard to explain, so I will do my best. I am curious if anyone else does this/experiences this.
Here is an example of something that happened to me this week: I was at the dollar store picking up some things, and the cashier was super nice to me. He was very kind and talkative (not in a romantic way, but in a friendly way.) I was talkative back- it was nice to have a human connection. He asked what I do in my free time and I began to shut down- because of trust issues- and made it awkward and left.
I returned to the store another day and he was working again so we talked a little while I checked out. I began to think maybe we could be friends, and started to wonder if it would be ok to ask if he wanted to hang out sometime (again, not romantically.) But then my inner voice told me how stupid I am, and not worth being friends with.
Yesterday I went back to the store (gosh I make it seem like I only go there! It is just a store very close to my home) and he was working. I checked out at his lane and made very little talk and decided that I am not worthy of being friends with- and left.
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I know that this is self-destructive talk and behavior. Maybe we could have been friends, maybe not. Maybe it is just nice to have someone kind to talk to at the store. But, I truly am convinced that someone will hurt me, or I will disappoint them, so I pull away and go home where I am safe.
I hate it. I am so lonely.
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SurvivingEveryday
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11 Replies
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Hi I understand this somewhat due to misoginst relationships I make reasons not to like someone so I quit the dating scene, and focus on other things I don't need a man to make me happy or that's what I tell myself, I think you should start as friends then there's no pressure just make it clear and push yourself to embrace a new friendship so to speak, best of luck 🤗
Hello dear snowflake😊that's great advice we are all unique in our own special ways often strange on my part ,but we all deserve to be loved and happy and friendships are vital for mental well-being, it's often just taking that first step poster surviving everyday, great name choice that's what it's about but life is so much more fulfilling with friends be it on line or in the outside world, yes snow self talk is vital as is self love and we need to foccus on our good points, most of us on here are on because we're sensitive which is good and bad but mainly good as means we care, if we were insensitive we'd run rough shod over others without a care in the world or thought, so let's practice self care and self nurturing treat ourselves as we would a loved one 🤗💛🌟🐼
Yes we are 🤗and we must never forget this no matter how sometimes others may make us feel I spent long time rebuilding my confidence after misoginst insults etc but I believe in fate and feel the right friends are put into our life's at the right time when we need and are ready for them and then us, and poster I feel this is possibly the time for you with the guy at the store, so please foccus on the positive side wipe the negative feelings out then hopefully you won't be lonely anymore, 😊💛🐼you can make friends on here join in on posts
Maybe you're afraid of being hurt emotionally. Talk to him, find out what his interests are, and you may find that you have interests in common. Set up a lunch date (somewhat reduced risks) and see where it takes you. Good luck.
I’m so sorry! I do that to myself as well. The only friendships I maintain (besides family) are virtual or through text message because it’s safer and easier. I always assume people hate me and think I’m annoying - this stems from being bullied in school and losing friends as an adult. It’s a way to protect ourselves from being hurt even though it stops us from making new friends. I think we can be our own worst enemy.
I bet a solid friendship could develop as you continue to go to your store - try not to label or put expectations on your interactions to help relieve any pressure you are putting on yourself. An idea might be to set a goal to learn something new about him each time you shop there rather than the goal of becoming friends. It’s easier 😊
I think everyone has insecurities and most have negative self talk. I certainly do.
I have found it’s really helpful making new friends while playing games during weekly meet ups. It could be a specific card game, at a game shop, board game, trivia night etc. Meeting new people while focused on a game takes a lot of pressure off.
For building a positive rapport with the sales associate at Dollar Store try preparing a new question for each visit. Questions that are not too personal but gives them a chance to be noticed and appreciated. People love that, don’t we?
Examples:
How long have you been with Dollar Tree?
How are you today?
Has it been really busy or slow in the store today?
Comment on the weather if there’s been something notable and ask a follow up question: can you believe this heat wave, my vegetable garden is wilting. There’s been so much rain the back road was washed out. Etc How are you handling this heat, rain, snow etc? The thunder storm last night was so loud, my dog was barking - did it bother you too?
You can work your way up to a no pressure social invite like:
Did you see the notice in town there’s fireworks/live music/food festival at the local high school/waterfront/downtown etc. Are you attending too?
For some reason I really like your examples. They speak to me, really nice simple light conversationtechniques. I have sometimes problems keeping them going and then later on am like "I could've asked this or that!". I need to put it more in my "automatic system" somehow.
I like NYCmom2's and Tealpillows slow approach. You know, you might even find out like this that he's a nice person, but actually not your type of friend. You know, that can be too. Less pressure on him and you, keep it light and if you both stay interested and more conversation flows out of it, you can do the invite thing talked about in the replies.
Of course, you can also "just" throw it out there and do it, ask him to hang out anyway, let him answer himself what you answered for him.
Sometimes you need small steps, sometimes you just need to plunge in it. Like cold water. Some people like or need to toe-feel and then go bit by bit, other are like: if I toefeel I don't go, I just need to jump in and feel myself surviving, swim my body warm immediately. So it's up to you. You toefelt a lot, are gonna take the jump and get it over with, or are you going in slowly, adjusting bit by bit?
If it ends up being neither, it's okey, don't feel bad. There are more waters and talking about it is also preparing for future waters to really swim in.
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Does anyone else go through this
Does anyone else feel detached?
Does anyone else feel this way?
Does anyone else feel like this or it just me 😐
