I haven't been on here in a very long time. I guess I just got overwhelmed. I know I isolate and distract/escape/sleep way too much. I live alone with my 2 small dogs, a bonded pair that I permanently foster. The mother was just diagnosed with Cushing's disease. I'm treating her with homeopathic supplements that I can afford. I have been on SSDI since 2006, very isolated, barely surviving. I have treatment resistant depression, multi anxieties, PTSD, agoraphobia and chronic migraines (about 9 + a month). Recently found out that the only migraine meds that work for me (most of the time) also depletes serotonin. So that finally explains why I go through this constant cycle of migraine - depression. My doctors, therapist(s) and other professionals as well as peers are at a loss as to what to do at this point. No family. A life long friend that lives across the country and has many problems of her own. A couple good neighbors that I can count on in an emergency only. Can't make plans because of migraines so anything I do is decided that same day most of the time. Appointments are telehealth so that is manageable. At this point, I'd be satisfied to live until my dogs pass then there is no reason to relive this ground hogs day without them. At my age and with my health problems, I won't adopt or foster another pet. I'm barely taking care of myself - just surviving but for what really? Everything is so expensive, it is extremely hot here so I only go in the backyard with the dogs for a few minutes multiple times a day. I can't afford the maintenance and constant upkeep of my only home of 30 years. Can't imagine moving if I have trouble just going through the front door. Where would I go anyway? I really just want to go Home. Whatever that means and where ever that is...it's the finally adventure. I'm not suicidal today but I'm ok to go any time. I just don't even feel anything anymore. Emotional flatline or depression, sadness, lonely, stuck then more physical pain. Why? Why are we here? What is the point? I don't feel love, loved or loveable. Anyway, just needed to vent. Thanks to anyone who read this long, depressing post. I wish I could end with an encouraging note but it's just not in me. Congratulations to those of you that have found a way to manage life. I truly appreciate all the hard work you put in to get there. I just don't have the energy or desire anymore. Best wishes to all.
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blue-green-purple
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Oh goodness, you are hurting and I'm so sorry. I understand and sympathize with most of your struggles. Migraines depleting serotonin is new info for me so, thank you.
Right now, I take life one moment at a time. One minute at a time even.
How's your sleeping? That can have a huge effect one your mental health.
Thank you. Just to be clear, the medication I take to treat migraines is depleting serotonin not the actual migraine itself. I've tried other meds but they do not work for me or even make the migraine worse. I do get Botox for migraines every 10 weeks and that has brought the number down from 18 to approx. 9 per month.
I sleep a lot. But it is usually 1 to 4 or maybe 5 hours at a time. I know that probably doesn't help my situation but it's the best I can do.
Oh, yes I should've specified lol I know what you meant about the migraine meds. I take them too, rizatriptan. I always wondered why it was messing with my mood. I'm still sending you hugs, I truly hope you feel a little better just by being here, in this community. ✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️
I take rizatriptan too. My new psych doctor asked if anything else worked for migraine relief because of this. It might be all triptans but I didn't ask. I've tried all the newest ones (CGRP injectables and pills) but no luck. Thanks again for the hugs. I really need one.
I used to take sumatriptan. It worked as well, have you tried it? Probably, but, just thought I'd put that out there. Sumatriptan worked faster than rizatriptan but, I think it messed with my mood as well -when I look back. My neurologist also insisted on an MRI, which I hated but,I guess it's worth it.
Yes, tried sumatriptan. Didn't work. Out of everything I've tried over the years, ergot based were the best but really upset my G.I. system. Next best was rizatriptan. I have had MRI & CT tests done. Didn't show anything helpful. I worked for neurologists at a trauma hospital for 17 years so I got some very good advice from trusted doctors at the time I was there. Unfortunately, that was years ago and now I'm at the mercy of my lousy health insurance and there limited doctors. Thanks for the suggestion though. You never know what might help.
I no longer suffer from migraines but when I did they constantly upended my life. The only thing, with or without medication, was sleep. And how I slept! And then sometimes, a little extra sleep actually brought on the migraine. Now I'm wondering whether the meds I took depleted serotonin and that is my problem now. I hadn't heard that before. I now take pregabalin for various ailments but I have found it is really good for sleep so long as I allow myself to sleep at the right moment after taking them. If I delay, they don't work. If I run out of the prescription I do not sleep. I went to bed really late last night - about 3.30 am and I didn't sleep. Very soon, my partner started vomiting. I checked his blood sugars and they were ok so I took his temperature and it was high. So now he is in the hospital, and I didn't sleep but I've kept dropping off at the computer. I feel really weird. The compulsion to sleep is huge; I am going to go up to the unmade bed and just allow myself to sleep, and that is without pregabalin! My partner said he has not felt like he did this morning before, and I haven't felt like this before either. I hope we both haven't got something nasty. And I hope they don't ask me to go and collect him today because I will be dangerous on the road.
As for you, if you think about sleep cycles, there are three cycles in four and a half hours, so if you get that right, that is probably what you need. Then if you have another couple of cycles as well, that makes you fairly standard, only you're sleeping more like a cat than a human. I'm sure it's natural for you and ok so long as you can work your life around it.🐈😴
Thank you. I know sleep cycles are important but because of migraines, I do not have a routine. Sometimes I'm up all night and sleep during the day or vise versa. I do crave sleep also. It's my favorite thing to do. I know that sounds weird but it's the only time I get true relief. And yes, I do sleep like a cat. I've had many over the years.
So sorry about what you and your partner are going through. Another example of "does life ever get any easier?". It seems like it is always something. Being alone and isolated, I'm having a hard time maintaining the world on my shoulders. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. Just one day at a time, I guess.
Hi blue-green-purple, thank you for following me. Believe me, you don't have to live alone to expereience "If I don't do it, it doesn't get done". But if you live alone, you only have to clean up your own mess! It doesn't seem as if life gets any easier. I'm just grateful I have a robot vacuum cleaner, a washing machine and now, a dryer. Tomorrow I will have to put in some graft of my own to clean up his mess and change the bedding. Changing a complete bedding set really be more or less all I will do tomorrow. While I am recovering now from compression fractures in the spine, if I do too much, especially bending or standing for a long time, my back complains. It does seem as if there's always something.
I'm not surprised you get migraines. They love to get people with loose routines like yours. If I still had them, I'd be suffering now - I got up at about 10 pm after my not having slept last night (I went to bed about 3 pm). I am about to go to bed again and hopefully I can get back on the straight and narrow again soon. So try and go to bed at roughly the same time and get up at the same time every day, and don't allow yourself to get too tired. Trigger foods and smells don't even come into the equation if you don't get your sleep patterns normalised. Good luck, and good night - though you're in America, so heaven knows what that means to you.😊
Thank you for your reply. Sometimes I need to be reminded with a reality check. I know life is hard in many different ways for many people. I'm sorry for your pain and suffering. Thanks for the advice. I do the best I can but a regular sleep pattern is even harder now with a sick dog that needs to go out frequently at all hours. No excuses though. I'm just tired, disappointed and still fighting treatment resistant depression along with other health issues. It's just life, I know. And changing/washing the bedding is an all day event for me too, It's just plan exhausting. Good luck to you as well.
Aaah, you have a sick pet. I'm so sorry. I hope he gets better soon. I understand now why your sleep pattern is disturbed. I think you just have to go easy on yourself and do what you can when you can. Don't feel bad about not being around when others are. You have to sleep when you can, and hopefully, at some point you will be able to kick Depression out of your life and out of your bed! I hope you enjoy your dog walks.🤗🤗
Thank you. I have 2 dogs, mother & daughter bonded pair. The mom has Cushing's and will not be getting better. I will have to decide when it's time. I've gone through this before with other pets and it is always difficult. These 2 follow each other around and have never been separated so I'm not sure how the daughter will handle the loss. At least we will still have each other.
Sending hugs as well 🤗 migraines are tough. My grandfather had them bad and we never realized when we were growing up. We thought he worked hard, but he was just in his office the door closed and lights off. I heard that Botox help sometimes with migraines so I'm not sure if you ask the doctor about that as an option.
Thank you. It's really hard to understand what true migraines are like unless you get them. Even then, people experience different symptoms. I do get Botox injections every 10 weeks. It brought the number down from 18 a month to approx. 9 a month. I'm on top of any new meds that come out. The new CGRP's (injectable or pill) either did nothing or made things worse so I'm sticking with the serotonin depleting rizatriptan again. It's the only option right now.
Yes, unfortunately one of the many migraine side effects. When I was working, it would get so bad that my boss and a coworker would have to drive me home. I worked in a trauma hospital for a neurology group so they were very understanding. Any place else probably would have fired me.
I hope you have been checked for sleep apnea. Consider newer treatments for depression like transcutaneous electrical stimulation. Don’t be afraid of ECT. I know most people including me are and in my case was. As a physician I resisted allowing my mother to have it. She had developed drug resistant depression after discontinuing Prozac. After four sad years my sister and I relented. After one treatment she was back to normal. I refer to it as a miracle. I normally don’t believe in such fantasies. Some day we will understand it better but for now I still call it a miracle. I wish you the best. A little happiness in your life would be a goal well worth going after.
Thank you. I have not been checked for sleep apnea. That is something I can look into. I'm not afraid of ECT. It's not like it used to be. I've discussed it with a couple doctors. The main concerns are 1) I live alone so if I need help for any reason (my self care, memory issues, dog care etc.) I don't have support. And 2) I did TMS which is just basically an MRI magnet placed over specific areas of the brain. I tried it 1st for depression and it gave me daily migraines. We took a few weeks break & tried again for migraine treatment. Same thing happened. Ultimately, it made me extremely ill and doctors refused to continue treatment based on my reaction. I completely agreed that it was not working for me. The concern is that if that was my reaction to magnets, ECT was definitely not recommended. I do know it can be a miracle for some people and I actually brought it up to my doctor 1st. Just not worth the risk for me unfortunately.
Hi I’m sorry you are suffering. Me too. I think we do get stronger in order to handle more and at times we can even enjoy things in life as we heal.
When was the last time you had a good feeling? Felt safe? Try to create a strong detailed description; a memory of those times and refer back to them when times are rough. Picture yourself smiling or picture the forest or beach, picture a special time in your life.
I’ve always looked forward to the afterlife like you are. I think in life after every difficulty comes ease. But sometimes the ease is short and/or small. But look for the light any way you can. ✨
Thank you. I do experience a lot of fear and not feeling safe. Probably because I'm alone and in my head but it's very real on an almost daily basis.
Last time I felt good was 21 years ago when I first held my newborn nephew in my arms. My heart was bursting. I never had children but I imagine it might be something similar but more intense. I try to remember that as much as possible but it was so many years ago. It's just fading into memory rather than being able to recreate the feeling.
I do try to look for the light through the darkness. Sometimes I can catch a glimpse.
Fear is tough i at some points in time will be afraid of the fear itself. Sometimes I feel like I am unsafe because I make up negative senecios in my mind. Meditation and mindfulness helps.
Holding your newborn nephew in your arms is so beautiful.
You’re doing good if you are catching glimpses. You’re doing good if you are trying because that’s all we can do is our best.
I wish I could help you to be happier. I’m also struggling. Today with intense mood swings. It’s tiring. But being able to write with people like you lifts some of the burden.
Thank you for your encouraging words. Every connection matters and makes a difference. Yours was very helpful. Sorry you're struggling today but I'm so grateful that you took the time to respond to me. I hope you feel better soon. Yes, the dogs are the reason I get up every day. Now that the mother dog has Cushing's, it's extra hard because I'm constantly watching her to see what she might need. So far CBD oil seems to help a little but still going through pee pads like crazy. I hate to see animals suffer. I just hope that she is not is pain.
I get terrible migraines too. They started in childhood and I have never outgrown them. I get Botox which helps but can only take Ibuprofen for them. Sometimes putting a cool cloth on the back of your neck helps for some reason. Works better than an ice pack. It sounds like you are hurting mentally and physically from many things. Be kind to yourself and take things one minute at a time. Celebrate your accomplishments by making an I DID list instead of a TO DO list. And please post when you need support. The people here are kind, understanding and will listen and offer suggestions of what works for them. Take care.
Thank you. I have a family history of migraines. Mine started at puberty and just got worse as I got older. Could be hormonal too but honestly, I have so many triggers that it's like living in a bubble. I think the combination of physical and mental health issues, both of which seem to have no solution or just feed off of each other, makes things 100 times worse. I miss the life I had but it doesn't do any good to think about that now. I try to look ahead and research new methods to deal with both conditions but I've been doing this for years now and keep getting disappointed. So I try to accept, be patient, be grateful for all that I do have. Some days are easier than others. When too many things go wrong all around the same time, well, that tends to send me down the rabbit hole. That's where I am today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better but there are no guarantees in life. This certainly isn't the retirement I pictured and planned for. All that is gone. It's beyond my control. I'm just existing, surviving until I can't anymore. Or there is a miracle. Either way, that's life. No one is getting out alive anyway. I hope the afterlife is worth going through all this. Maybe I'll have answers then.
I could have written your post! I’m 65 and my retirement sucks also. I’m able to control my migraines somewhat with emgality shots and riztriptan. I’m a stresser so anything can set off my migraines. I have one of these “ice caps” that helps a lot. You’re supposed to put it on your head but it’s too cold for that so I put it on the back of my head. It’s gel and conforms to my head . Also I put a cloth over my eyes. For some reason it helps me. Just suggestions. I’m sorry your dog is sick. They are so comforting at times. I had a cat that would lay above my head when I had a migraine.
I feel like you do. Why don’t I just go home? I guess there’s a reason. We probably won’t know what it is until we reach the other side. Take care of yourself, even if you just brush your teeth and wash your face you have accomplished something important. There’s days I look at myself in the mirror and think why bother but I do it and I feel better. Someone said to make a “what i did list” it helps. The days I feel like I didn’t accomplish anything, I make a list of what I could do. You will see you did more than you think. We are all here for you. Be safe.be well❤️
Thank you. I have a whole head ice cap but it's uncomfortable and almost too cold so I stick to ice packs. I can use multiple around my neck, top of head, eyes etc. IF I can get them to stay in place. And of course, silence, dark, cold room laying very still. I always wondered why I was depressed after the migraine episode. I should be happy it's over but now I know it's the rizatriptan. It's a terrible cycle -- physical pain or sad and crying. Now I know it's a chemical imbalance and I'm not totally crazy just incredibly frustrated. My therapist would ask me what are you ruminating about that makes you so sad? I always said, "nothing, as soon as I open my eyes in the morning, I just start crying. I'm barely awake and not even thinking yet." She is nonplussed and doesn't understand. Join the club.
I don't make a physical list but I try to go over anything that I am grateful for: roof over my head when so many are displaced every day, food to eat even if it is from the local food pantry, and most of all right now, my AC still works so I am not in the sweltering heat feeling this way. It is a reality check just don't know if I'll ever get to "happy" again. It's been years. Maybe this really is as good as it gets. At least I still have my dogs. I know the end is near for the oldest. Don't know how I'm going to get through that but that's another day's post.
I never put 2 and 2 together about the rizatriptan and depression. Sometimes I forget how blessed I truly am. But when the pain is unbearable day after day it gets lost. I’m suffering big time right now. I have electrodes stuck to my head and wrapped with gauze with a cotton cap over that. The pressure is killing me. I have to keep it on for 72 hours and it hasn’t been 24 yet!! I’m so glad I found this site. We can all help each other get through one day at a time.
I'm so sorry you are suffering through this test right now. EEG? I've had them before but never for 72 hours. That would be very uncomfortable. My EEG results clearly showed depression and anxiety areas of my brain. It was very interesting but ultimately didn't lead to any "cure". Of course, you might be having a completely different test for something else. Best wishes for a good outcome. Hang in there. It will be over soon (my life theme).
Seizures can be almost undetectable so I'm glad they are doing the EEG. I hope it gives you some answers that help in treatment planning. Wishing you good luck. Please keep me posted.
Your reply helped me also so, thank you CLB1125 ! Still taking care of yourself is crucial. I've been putting off coloring my hair, as I'm fighting gray hair. 😒 But, that's one thing that helps. Anyway, thanks again 🙏✨️💛
I had a therapist who would say first thing what did you do for yourself today. I never gave it much thought before. I decided nobody is going to take care of me, so I make sure I wash my face and brush my teeth every day. It gives me hope for the day.
I feel like I could have written your post too, except for the migraines~that must be awful. The feelings of wanting to go HOME are hard to express as I worry my therapist will think I’m suicidal. I’m not~I help in the care of my elderly parents and feel that is a purpose for now… but I am not happy. I struggle with severe OCD and depression and that becomes unbearable sometimes. I want to go when my parents pass…as that I feel will be when I will find true peace and joy. Hang in there and love on those pups…they need you. You are still here for a reason!
Thank you. I totally understand. I have to be very careful with my choice of words when expressing things. I feel my purpose will be fulfilled when both my dogs pass. I give them a good life and they are happy little creatures that comfort me. I will take care of them until the end then I am ok to go too. No reason to prolong the inevitable. I hope it happens that way so I can say mission accomplished and finally be resting in peace. It's great that you are able to take care of your parents. That helps them and you. Glad you still have them in your life. I can't remember what my mom's voice sounded like anymore. It's been a very long time since she passed from prolonged, painful cancer. It was a blessing when she finally went so she wasn't suffering any longer. Just really miss the family and being with people that know me best. I'm glad you still have that.
Thank you. Sorry you couldn't get a dog. There are days where they are literally the only reason I get out of bed. When they pass, I'm ok to go too. Job well done rescuing and taking good care of them. You're lucky insurance covered a functional medicine doctor. I'd have to self pay and I just can't afford it. I can't take many supplements, vitamins, OTC and prescription meds so not sure they could help me anyway. I went on SSDI in 2006 so I've been searching for a very long time. Don't know what I'd do without Goggle. I'm glad things got better for you. It's encouraging. Good luck and God bless you too.
This doctor was a regular doctor at a normal practice but she was into alternative Medicine. I heard out about her from someone.. I just kept asking around. Have you tried 5-HTP? It has hardly any side effects.
Yes, I tried it years ago. I was diagnosed with a highly over reactive sensitivity to medications, supplements etc. of any kind. Sometimes they have the opposite effect of what they are supposed to do. Most times they give me a migraine. Also have some food sensitivities and allergies to most Florida grasses, plants etc. which difficult because that's where I live. I'm mostly in AC filtered air anyway since I'm home all the time so the allergies aren't too bad.
I understand. Just wanted you to know all those new medicines i am on were suggested to the doctor by me. They are ones the most any doctor would try for depression. Just a note but had you locked your post on here it keeps other people from all groups from reading it
I'm butting in here lol have you had that medication DNA analysis done? It tells you what medications work with your body and which won't, including if you'll get side effects from certain medications. I had it done a few years ago and it still helps. My doctor at the time, put in a request to my insurance company so, they covered it. Just a thought I had while reading your post. ✨️
Yes, I did the DNA test. The suggested best meds for me were all ones that I had tried and some even retried. I paid out of pocket at the time. Sheer desperation.
Reading all these posts, and can relate, though, I don't have migraine, I have other health conditions physical & emotional, mental heath issues --OCD, GAD, a lot of anxiety. Life situations of losing my Sig. Other last Nov., and losing the house (long story), I am now "homeless," and had to move in with my Brother & Sister-in-law (temporiarly) I hope. They are both controlling personalities, and overly critical & judgemental. I truly don't want to have to stay with them; but, I have NO where else to go --would be in a tent in the street if not for them. While I love the place they have & surrounding area, it is Very difficult for me. They don't understand much, if anything re. my grief, my anxiety, my low mood, my physical problems which make it so I have to rest A lot. I don't want to leave this Earth, I just don't want to have to suffer So much. I have a therapist, and a Grief Counselor --all on-line. Have friends that I can only talk to now as had to relocate to a new place five hundred miles away from friends. Talking & texting to them & sites like this HU do help. I can be free here to "listen," and to "talk" which means A lot to me. Thanks, and Pray for healing to take hold. Yes, the one day at a time is All we can do. Am retired, too, not comfortably, though!
I take rizatriptan. My depression predates my migraines so I don’t know if the medication affects the depression or not. I found that having some caffeine with the medication helps with the pain so I eat just a little bit of dark chocolate with it. Normally, dark chocolate is a trigger for me but when I take it with the rizatriptan, it helps instead of making it worse. I think I’ve read somewhere that dark chocolate and/or caffeine helps the body produce serotonin so maybe that’s why it doesn’t make my depression worse. There are other ways of helping the body produce serotonin but I don’t remember what they are. Hope you can find something that helps.
I'm usually depressed after the migraine passes which made no sense to me. I am happy that the pain has stopped so why am I so incredibly sad and crying? Now I know. I usually have a cup of black tea and honey with the rizatriptan and that seems to help the pain but the caffeine keeps me awake all night. I only drink 1/2 caf coffee in the morning and water the rest of the day unless I need the tea/rizatriptan. I did try dark chocolate which I absolutely love but there is no way I can tolerate it, unfortunately. Migraines go through the roof. So strange how everyone reacts to migraines and treatment so differently. Glad you found something that works for you. I've had a migraine everyday now for 10 days with some relief in between. I'm going to have to tough it out this weekend and not take any rizatriptan. Ten days of meds is way too much and may cause rebound migraines. Plus I was told not to take more than 9 per month and I'm already past that. None of the CGRP inhibitors work for me either (Nurtec, etc.). In fact, it makes things worse. Such a miserable mystery. Thanks for sharing. Hate that you're going through this but feel better that I'm not alone. Good luck to you.
I’m sorry your caffeine source keeps you awake. I’ve had to limit my caffeine intake because it interferes with sleep and makes my anxiety worse.
I didn’t know that the triptans could cause rebound. I thought that was one of the advantages to taking them instead of other things. I used to only be able to get nine a month because that was all the insurance would pay on. Two or three years ago, they doubled it and now I can get 30.
I’ve had constant migraines for over thirty two years now. I don’t usually have the classic sick migraines.. I’ve only had a handful of those. I had two or three a month that were the lying in a dark room wishing I could die until I was in my forties, started going through menopause and started taking Ashwaghanda to help stabilize my moods. I haven’t had one of those since then. (Some people have had bad side effects with it but it works great for me) I’ve been to all the doctors and had all the tests and tried most of the things. I started taking the triptan shots about twenty five five years ago, then the pills when they came out. I liked the pills better because I could cut them up and only take what I needed so was still able to function afterwards. Since mine were constant, I had to only take a piece when they were really bad. Now I take a piece an average of four times a day. The weather is my biggest trigger and causes the worst pain and sometimes the medicine doesn’t help with those.
My doctor gave me some samples of Unrelvy and it helped with the ones that the other medicine didn’t but my insurance won’t pay for it. The doctor said he would write a letter to them but I haven’t heard anything back yet. I was able to get two months worth from the company itself so I’m cutting them up to make them last as long as possible. I had one yesterday that nothing helped with and just sat with ice on my head until I could take my bedtime meds. It finally eased up enough to sleep.
Sorry for oversharing. I’m trying to do better with that. Just get down sometimes and it all spills out.
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Do you ever get days when you are fearful of everything.....even beyond the veil.
How am I suppose to find and keep a job when I suffer from debilitating depression and anxiety?
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