Toxic Relationship w/ a Family Member

[hippoluvR]

I have issues with my older sister. We have always had problems with each other and argued throughout our lives. But more recently our arguments have gotten way worse. I have tried to cut her off numerous times because we couldn't resolve our issues without me taking all of the blame. She often tells me not to do certain things (like walking through her room or not closing the door). I accept those easily, but when I ask her to do the same she refuses profusely and calls me a "prick", "overdramatic", "crazy", etc., sometimes she ignores me altogether. I'm so frustrated having to tiptoe around her and accept situations when she doesn't follow the same principles herself. And I can't tell her if she bothers me because she just denies it and projects those issues on to me and then we get into a really awful fight, especially when I talk back. Our relationship is a constant cycle of arguing and then short periods of peace. After fighting we act as if everything is normal, but she never apologizes. I have tried making amends, but at this point, it feels too exhausting and frustrating. I feel like crap all the time. I used to apologize all the time until very recently and noticed that she tends to do a lot of gaslighting. I get mad whenever I think about it because it makes me feel as though she's taken away my youth. We are both way too toxic to each other and I think the best idea is to end the relationship. But then again, maybe I should get over it because she will leave the house this summer. I don't know what I should do. Though I really want to cut her off, it doesn't feel morally right and I'm afraid I'll regret. But if I keep enduring mistreatment then I will struggle more with my own issues and have a harder time overcoming them. Please give advice.

[hypercat54]

Oh dear not good. There are 2 ways to deal with this. One is to cut her off I agree. It doesn't need to be forever, just until you feel stronger and more able to cope with her. It's not morally wrong, just because she is your sister it doesn't necessarily mean you have to be close to her.

The other way is to change your mindset with her. You can't change her behaviour but you can yours in the way you react to her. Keep your emotional distance and refuse to take part in her gaslighting. If she is a narcissist then she is getting her supply from your emotional reactions to her. Have as little to do with her as possible and learn to see the warning signs. Refuse to argue. x

[Celtic27]

Hi there sorry to see a sisterly bond weakened by constant trouble! She sounds as you have said toxic but please don't let her put you down you are not the one with the problem! She is a class 1 bully who gets off making you miserable are you parents around if so have you tried taking to them about the situation they not realize the true extent of the problem they dont need to be seen as taking sides but make it plain they will not tolerate your sisters behaviour! I wish you all the best take care david 🙏

[Hidden]

I'd wait out the summer. If you are young in the future there are times you really need a sister like when you get married and have children. It may be a totally different relationship then. I do understand though. I haven't talked to mine in twenty years. I miss it.

[Hidden]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this situation. I too have a very toxic sister and it's been that way as long as I can remember. She always treated me bad and over the years her actions got worse and worse. The parents were of no help as they always sided with her. I finally decided I'd had enough and cut her off. Even though we were both still living at home, I completely ignored her and didn't give her the satisfaction of reacting to the things she did. Even after we both moved out she kept doing things trying to hurt me. A couple of them were quite bad but even then, I showed no emotion and had no reaction in front of her. I cut her completely out of my life and it's been that way for years. Just because you're sisters doesn't mean you'll be close or even like each other. You need to do what's best for you right now. There's always hope that your relationship can be mended in the future.

[Hidden]

You are not cutting her off you are giving space for God to put healing into this relationship. You are not a door mat, nor is she, you do not have to stay in a situation that causes verbal, emotional or physical harm. You are not saying you are going to stop loving your sister just remove yourself from the situation so that at some point when healing takes place you can come together again in a loving, caring, and sisterly environment. If you ask my opinion, remove yourself from the relationship, but make sure you pray for her. If you have never prayed before just say God please heal my relationships, heal me Lord, and heal my sister, and anyone else that has been affected by our toxic relationship. Thank you Lord, amen. Take care of yourself, you are the only self you have, one day some one or some ones will need you, healthy and whole and able to help. God’s blessings.