Mother Daughter Conflict

[GFH6444]

Hi. I'm new on here. I'm having a lot of difficulty handling the way my adult daughter treats me, and how she speaks to me. It's been going on for quite a long time and it affects me physically. My heart hurts over it. I raised her by myself, I gave her everything to try to compensate for her father walking out of our lives, I have loved her through everything and she treats me like I'm nothing to her. Anyone have any suggestions? Anyone dealing with the same type of thing? Thanks for your time.

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Being my oldest daughters mother was the only job I ever got fired from. I finally decided to treat her like a co-worker. She’s a professional. I actually told her if someone else spoke to me that way I’d fire them. Boundaries. I told her no talking to me until she treats me like a stranger. Two years it took her to understand. Best two years of my life. No drama. It’s all good now.

[GFH6444 in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I sometimes feel like she punishes me because I love her so much. I have anxiety too and I guess part of the reason why I don't stand firm on her being respectful with me is because I'm scared that if I push too hard with any type of line in the sand or rules, per se, that she will just be done with me. She is the only child I have, it was just her and I her whole life - her father walked away when she was 3 and never looked back, never paid child support. It's been a struggle my whole life, but I always found a way to make sure that she never wanted for anything, and I think I actually created a monster by doing that. When she says hurtful things or is disrespectful and I get upset, and hurt and show it, try to express it, she turns everything around on me telling me that I'm ridiculous, I'm too emotional, I'm crazy, and she always uses my own words against me. It's like playing a game of chess with her and it's also always walking on eggshells. I'm always afraid of how she might take something, if I'm saying something wrong, doing something wrong, not doing something right, making a face of some sort that can be misconstrued. It's a lot, I'm overwhelmed and as I am getting older I am starting to feel like I might need to just not have a relationship with my one and only daughter and it breaks my heart. Above all else, I have a granddaughter who loves me so much and sometimes my daughter talks to me so harshly in front of her and she is 6 years old, she hears her tone, and she hears me get upset, and she always tries to remind me that she loves me - the other day she yelled from the background of a Skype gone bad - you always have me grandma. Sorry, I guess I have a lot built up inside. I have no one to talk to about this, no one in my family understands and one of my sister's is my daughter's favorite person so that causes family conflict for me. I'm just sad. Thank you so much for your feedback. I'm looking for as much support as I can find.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to GFH6444]

I get it. This is not good for your granddaughter either. You will do your daughter the best favor in the world by putting up boundaries. You deserve respect. This will transfer to your granddaughter. She’s angry but it’s not for you to fix.

You don’t have to do it this way but my words:

Look here little girl. I didn’t raise you to be my friend. I put up with you more than any other person on this planet. You’re a grown ass woman now. If a stranger talked to me this way I’d call the cops so I wouldn’t punch their teeth it. I’ve been through too much to have some snot nosed entitled brat talk to me this way. When you can be civil I’d love to hear from you.

You’ll have to do it your way. Don’t be scared. They won’t keep the kids away from you. They know they need us. They do a lot of growing up real quick. You work on you. She called once after that and got real snotty. I hung up on her. I didn’t say why. Boundaries. Three months later it was a normal conversation. It’s been face time with my granddaughter weekly since then. My daughter can work out her own anger on her dime, not on my soul. I didn’t do anything wrong to her. It’s a trend these days. There are so many memes on fb about ditching ‘toxic people’ including your parents. Fine. While she wants to crush me with her anger over issues I have no control over then I can dump her too. Love does not mean door mat. You give them both more by being a strong woman.

[GFH6444 in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Another thing that kills me is that I am a very strong, independent woman, but when my daughter treats me like crap or gives me the silent treatment, I have nothing but fear and don't want to stand up to her. Don't get me wrong, I do stand up to her sometimes, but honestly, it's not the majority of the time. I LOVE your message to your daughter! I might have to steal a bit of it when I'm ready. I also completely identify with your statement - she can work out her anger on her dime, not on my soul - it's perfect! I feel like she is destroying my soul and she has no clue that she is doing anything wrong. No matter how many times I have tried to talk to her over the years, we talk, things might be good for a month and then it goes to shit again for a possible look I had on my face, or if I sighed. The most recent thing that has resulted in her giving me the silent treatment is a response I sent her to a text, in which I thanked her for "finally" telling me something and I said that I had pretty much known all along. Apparently that response of mine gave her an instantaneous migraine and ruined her wedding day! I'm sorry, but that's laughable. I was unable to be at her wedding, she lives across country and I couldn't afford to go, and also because I have a dog who I love to death who has some health issues going on. She had told me all along she understood and it was fine that I couldn't be there. It was her second wedding and she probably preferred having my sister and her husband there anyway. Your advice is amazing and I am going to reference it when the time comes, but in my own words, just taking inspiration from it. I also really like - Love does not mean door mat. Oh, and about memes, I have been finding that a lot of the memes that show up in my Pinterest feed perfectly describe my daughter, and they are all about narcissists!

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to GFH6444]

I’m glad it helped. Do her a favor and your granddaughter. Show them that strong woman. I’m a professional and workaholic. I can stand on my own anywhere. She needed a beat down. I liken it to young boys who stand up to their dads in their teen years and get knocked down. I don’t justify that but it’s a part of where you fit in my life young lady not where I fit in yours.

Of course part of it’s an act but it’s good for them. We love them.

[Lve2dance in reply to GFH6444]

Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this. My mom and I are very close, we argue sometimes as families do but then I feel bad afterwards. What you going through it sounds like what my aunt went through with her daughter. We're here to support you

[beach3282]

Hi I could have wrote this myself. I had to set boundaries and it is somewhat better but she continues to try and I have to reinforce. It is almost out of fear that she is afraid she is going to have the same problems I have had since I got older as my anxiety and depression got a lot worse, tried to get her to go to therapy with me but she will not it i s like if she ignores it it will go away

[GFH6444 in reply to beach3282]

Hi there. I wrote a book of a response to the other person who responded to my post - don't know if you can see that since I'm new on the site, but if so, it explains some of what I deal with. I too have tried to tell my daughter that she needs therapy, but she won't do it. She has such anger toward me and I don't know why. Sometimes we have good patches and things are so nice, and then at the drop of a hat she is pissed off at me over something, hasn't told me, I just end up figuring it out because I get the silent treatment from her. She lives across the country with my granddaughter and I just don't know how to set boundaries because I'm afraid that she will just take that as a "threat" and cut me off completely. I told her last week that not hearing from her and not knowing why affects my health and my heart and asked if she could please just respond to my email/text - she referred to that communication from me as a threat. She feels she does nothing wrong, that it's all me, that I'm too emotional, tells me I'm crazy sometimes. I just don't understand where it all stems from. I did my best to make sure she had my love always, and never wanted for anything even though I struggled because her father left when she was 3 and never paid child support. Ugh, it's just so much that is tearing my heart up. I think she also feels like if she doesn't face all that is wrong with her, or try therapy, that it will all go away like your daughter. Thanks so much for your response.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to GFH6444]

I love the silent treatment. They’re grown up. They aren’t the center of my world anymore. They aren’t 4. I wouldn’t mind being sent to my room!

You act like a brat when you’re 3 what do psychologists tell parents? Ignore the behavior. Turn your back. I say do the same thing as adults.

I do not talk to her siblings about her.

[Funkyfaerie]

Hi GFH,

I can completely sympathise with you.

My daughter has always been like this confrontational. But as she got older and married she treated me as if I was a little girl, talking down to me, everything I wore, or said was wrong. I have told people if I didn't know her I would want her as my friend, that sounds terrible doesn't it.

But ten years ago, I did my duty and went to help when she had her first baby, she treated me absolutely dreadful, until one evening in the kitchen she said something to me about the way I was washing up! And I completely lost it with her, I used a few choice words and told her what I thought, and that if she was a friend I would walk away.

Well.... It completely changed everything over night, she was shocked. And since then she has had another child, and she is having difficulty coping, depressed and going to mindfulness, yoga. The boys run circles around her, their discipline is virtually nil and her husband works away.

I am trying to help her, but she seems embarrassed about it. But we are friends now, she is still a little bit distant, but I still think it's embarrassment of not being able to cope.

So after my experience with all this, and my daughter got on so well with everyone else, like yours.

I believe she has had and still has buried problems of her own, that doesn't excuse her, or your daughter.

But the day I lost it, like a fish wife and told her exactly what I thought, was the day it changed, she just stood there and listened to me rant, I had had enough.

You don't have to rant, but just say the truth... Could it get any worse? ♥️

[GFH6444 in reply to Funkyfaerie]

Thank you for sharing your own conflict. I have told my daughter every so often over the years when things build up and I hit my breaking point, but she either turns it all around on me and blames me for everything and then won't talk to me for a period of time, or she actually listens and things go smoothly for a while (but always goes bad again), or she removes herself from the situation if we are actually in the same place (example; she was living with me at one point, with my granddaughter, and we got into a fight and instead of talking it out, she called my sister to come and get her and she did, which is a whole other issue I have, but she left). I'm starting to think that one day we either will have it out and come to some resolution as to how we will define our mother/daughter relationship, or I will end up being pushed so far that I just won't want a relationship with her at all. She won't hear what I have to say, she won't look at herself and see her faults, she hangs onto things. We tried doing therapy once about 5 years ago and when the therapist asked why she was so upset with me - she brought up something from when she was a teenager, which wasn't an accurate version of what happened, but her version was that I kicked her out of my house for no reason and that's why she had been so angry with me for so long. Today, it's been roughly 2 weeks since we have really talked or communicated in any way. She got mad at me over a text in which I simply stated that I was happy that she finally told me a decision about something she had made. I never know when she will get mad about something, or what might set her off. She too, for years, has spoken to me like I'm the child/daughter. The way she has treated me over the years has sometimes had me wonder what it would be like if I had been the one that left (my ex-husband left and walked out of her life when she was 3 yrs. old). I'm just sad about all of it. Thank you again.

[Careyon]

Have you told her that you don’t appreciate being spoken to or treated that way? If it just turns to arguing, maybe she’s not getting that you feel disrespected. I agree with the other commenters, you must set boundaries and demand (and give) respect. I have a strong willed, mouthy daughter but she knows her limits. I don’t tolerate disrespect. You can’t be led to respond based on fear. Praying for healing in your relationship with your daughter. I have

[GFH6444 in reply to Careyon]

Thank you. Yes, I have told her many times that I don't appreciate how she speaks to me or how she treats me. I hit my breaking point yesterday when she called me after not responding to my texts for 2 days and so I texted asking if she could please respond. She called me instead to "reprimand" me about boundaries and that what goes on with "her" family is none of my business and I need to stay out of it. What happened was - my granddaughter, who is 6 years old, used to spend every weekend with her father (my daughter's ex-husband), and she loves her daddy! Well, about a month and a half ago he moved out of state with his girlfriend and her two kids and since then he has only spoken to his daughter once. When I skype with my granddaughter or talk to her on the phone it's clear that she is having a very difficult time with her father abandoning her (which is what my ex-husband did to my daughter) - she cries and tells me she misses him. My heart was hurting the last time I talked to her so I messaged her father on Facebook and I asked him if it was his intention to no longer have a relationship with his daughter, because if that wasn't his intention he needed to do something quickly. Did I cross a line? Not respect a boundary? He used to be my son-in-law and I have communicated with him periodically over the years. Well, my daughter laid into me yesterday telling me she doesn't want to talk to me, I need to respect boundaries and that it's not my business and not my family. I corrected her and made it very clear that my granddaughter is my family and that it broke my heart to hear her crying about her father. My daughter kept yelling telling me that I need to stop texting her pushing her to communicate with me and I very directly told her that I had no idea that she wasn't wanting to speak to me, that we had discussed my messaging her ex and I never heard anything further about it, but now she was telling me that's why she doesn't want to talk to me. I told her that it wasn't fair to me to not explain to me what I had done wrong, and instead just freeze me out with no explanation. She pushed me way too far yesterday with everything else that has happened recently so I straight out told her that if she should decide she wants a relationship with her mother again that she knows where to find me, but for now I will only be communicating with her about my granddaughter and nothing else. I feel so much lighter today, so much clearer! I thank everyone here for the feedback, the support and sharing your experiences - it really has helped me to find strength against her attacks on me.

[Darknlovely504]

I moved away once and about to do it again. I wasn't calling them and they weren't calling me when I left. A lot of kids don't care about us anymore they are very selfish and mean until they need u. I can't wait to disappear

[GFH6444 in reply to Darknlovely504]

I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time too. It truly is so heart-wrenching. I too have thought that I'd like to disappear. No one causes me so much pain on this earth as my daughter does, and that's a very sad statement to make. I have decided that next year I am focusing on me and only doing what makes me happy - I have always done for my daughter, my granddaughter, everyone, but myself. I haven't been happy for some time. I need to find things that bring me joy and happiness, so it will be my goal next year. First thing I will do is take a trip to see my best friend in FL. I have not been on a trip, just for me, in many years. I have always just taken trips to see my daughter and granddaughter. I think it's time for me. Thanks again for sharing your experience.

[Lve2dance in reply to GFH6444]

It's a good idea to focus on yourself 😁. Maybe eventually your daughter will realize she needs you.

[Careyon]

Glad to hear you guys at least addressed it to some degree. I like that you mentioned finding things that bring you joy. Your daughter is a grown woman and like it or not you do need to stay within boundaries when it comes to her family. I don’t mean to sound insensitive but my mom does the same with me. I’ve had to tell her she’s crossing the line with her questions, demands, assumptions... we have a great relationship and I try not to be disrespectful but sometimes she really is out of line. Respect goes both ways. I know she gets so involved because she loves and wants the best for me and she feels she knows what’s best LOL. She might, but sometimes it’s too much. I love her to pieces but she really needs to get a life of her own so she’s not trying to live through me and my family. I know you love your daughter and your intentions are good, but it’s clearly not working. You’ve done your job. Enjoy your life and give her a bit of space to live hers. Pray, pray and pray some more is my advice. I’ve seen God change people and things that I’ve tried to manipulate and change for years. Trust Him to handle it.

[Bellaluna1]

I have a very similar situation. I know it’s hard and sometimes I cry, but then I pray for gods strength and direction. If my daughter continues her abusive behavior towards me then I will change my will and leave her nothing. I have had enough. Get tough darling.

[CowgirlPrincess]

After reading all of these posts I feel as though this could be talking about me and my daughter. I dearly love my only daughter, but I feel as the only time she wants to talk to me is when she wants something from me. The rest of the time it's "just text me."

Oh, she is more than happy to take money from me when I offer it to her so she can treat herself to something special, although it isn't like she can't afford it herself. Combined she and her husband make at least $120,000 a year and only have 1 precious 6 year old son, my grandson, who is the Apple of my eye.

My daughter can be so sweet one minute and the next minute I don't even know who she is. Once in awhile I have said something to her about how she talks to me or how she treats me and she turns it back on me and makes it seem like I'm the one to blame for everything. She was so sweet when she was little.

Her father and I have never gotten along very well even though we have been married 42 years.

Sometimes I think she blames me for the way her dad treated her when she as growing up. He never hit her, but he was very strict. I sometimes wonder if she isn't angry with me for not standing up to her dad and letting her do the things she wanted. What she doesn't realize is that I had to keep the peace in the house for her, her brother who is older and myself and make sure we all survived my husband's nasty temper and attitude. Other times I wonder if she is angry with me for not taking her and her brother and leaving her father.

I'll never know because she refuses to discuss it with me and tells me she "worries about me and her dad," but won't explain that either. And the times I think she might open up about it her son is with us and she refuses to discuss anything of the sort in front of her son. She won't even discuss the news in front of her son. This 6 year old is so sheltered. I applaud my daughter & sil for trying to protect their son, however, I think they are taking it to far.

It's ok for them to upset and scare the little guy by saying things like we're going to go camping, but you have to stay home by yourself or we're going camping in a cabin, but you and the dog have to sleep outside. They are only kidding, but the little one doesn't know that and it scares and upsets him. He will call me on Skype and tell me what his parents said. I end up telling him his parents are just kidding him and they really won't do it and not to worry, but it upsets me something terrible.

I so badly want to slap my daughter and her husband up side the head and say, how dare you scare your son like that. What is wrong with the two of you? My husband and I NEVER said anything like that to either of our children or allowed anyone else too.

The only reason I don't say anything to my daughter is because I am afraid she will use my grandson as a weapon/pawn towards me.

It's already bad enough that when he gets in trouble, the first thing they take away from him is his computer that he uses to Skype with me. If that doesn't work they take away his Switch game, then it's ALL and I mean ALL his toys. If that doesn't work, it's TV. So, he loses his Skype/computer privileges, ( he has another computer just for school) his Switch game privilege, ALL his toys, and NO TV

All of this lasts for a week. And he has to earn each item back one at a time. He tells me, "Grandma, I wanted my Switch game, but I really want to talk to you so I choose my computer so we can Skype." Sometimes we will Skype for 3 or 4 hours. The only thing he has left is his books and it's a good thing he is a great reader and likes books.

This little guy is only 6 years old and he a good kid. His manners are wonderful. He is a sweetheart and he is very helpful.

His dad picks at him constantly! When they sit down to dinner, it's "get your elbows off the table, sit up straight, don't put so much food in your mouth, sit still, stop talking, eat your dinner, do you need a time out?" And on and on it goes. This little guy is a nervous wreak and my daughter, his mother just sits there and watches this happen.

When I try to say something to her about it (never in front of my grandson) she tells me it's their child, it's none of my business and to stay out of it, yet when the little one wants something, it's "go ask grandma." Or, if my daughter and her husband want to go out it's, can you watch the kid? Of course we'll watch him.

My husband gets upset at this because everytime we go spend the holidays with them (they live 7 hours from us), they always ask at least once if we will watch the little one while they go out. I'm more than happy to watch him as it gives us time with him for him to be "normal" without the constant picking at him. My husband gets upset because he feels like we are being used and maybe we are. They never go anywhere by themselves unless we watch the the little guy.

I get upset with my daughter as I feel as though I have bent over backwards for her all her life and she still expects me too, yet when I need something from her or ask for something from her, she's to busy and then she gets mad at me for asking.

Some days I just want to look at her and tell her she is a spoiled, ungrateful brat. Her father and I paid for her college tution, she paid for her books, we paid for her car insurance and she lived at home. Once in awhile I would give her $20 for gas or food if she was going somewhere and her she is trying to tell me what to do and treating me like a second class citizen.

Sometimes she is so much like her dad I can't stand it. She has no empathy for anyone, except who SHE thinks should have it. Her dad has none for anyone.

She was not raised like that and her brother is not like that.

I have finally tried to make myself not do so much for her and to be unavailable to her.

When it comes to my grandson, I will ALWAYS be there for him and even at the age of 6 years he knows it.

I pray for all mom's and grandma's dealing with ungrateful daughters and those trying to keep the peace in order not to cause problems for their grandchildren.

Blessings, Judy

[Lve2dance in reply to CowgirlPrincess]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. My mom has always been there for me and no matter how many times she annoys me I understand ahe means well.. And I know she won't be here forever, so I appreciate the time we have.