Self-esteem self worth needed

[Montana136]

Hello community. I struggle with self-esteem and self-worth since I was a child which is about 45 years ago. I don't understand self compassion self-love I know what it is but I can't seem to perform it. I guess this is the basis for all my problems. I'm clinically depressed generalized anxiety PTSD childhood rape. I think that when I was very young dysfunctional parents alcoholic parent workaholic mother never around. I learned that bad things kept happening to me and therefore I must be bad. This has been a psycho love thinking for more than 40 years. It has affected every phase every dream every goal I've ever had. I suffer from severe episodic depressive episodes I'm on medication which I'm grateful for I'm in therapy which I am grateful for. But 45 years is a long time to have to spiral down and then climb out of the hole. Right now I have a 20-year-old daughter she lives with my mother she goes to University she doesn't really want to spend a lot of time with her mother and on Mother's Day she said a very cold and insensitive thing to me it had to do with the fact that my mental illness my sadness my anxiety are the reasons she doesn't want to see me. I just walked out of the house and came home. I did not really know what to say to her but I did relay in text that I don't think she understands the implications of what she said and that I find her to be just as insensitive as she claims me to be I told her I didn't need to hear any more from her lips that day. I felt devastated and rejected and like this kid has no freaking idea how important words can be. I did send a message to her that I felt her comments had repercussions and consequences that I believe she does not even begin to understand yet. I told her I really didn't need to hear anything else from her on that day. It's been a week she's not made one single effort to communicate to me. I am angry because for her first 12 to 14 years of life I turned myself around I was happy I was making good decisions I was a good parent I was in attentive parent I was a caring parent and a loving parent and I never yelled at her out of anger or called her names and I spent time with her all the things that I did not get as a child I did put this child. several life events happened in my personal life when she turned 12 and 13 and that started my spiral downward. I felt she would have suffered less without me. So I sent her to my mom. She became angry with me immediately like 2 months. I felt she was entitled to her anger but she was so nasty rude wouldn't talk to me looked at me with the foul expression. I felt I had to to give her space to experience hate I understood it myself I did not complain to her about her disrespect of me. After 3 years of hate she came to me and wanted some answers to some questions and I was fully participant I wanted her to know my perspective I wanted to know her perspective I wanted to reconnect. And it seemed like that's what she wanted but she never discussed her hurt with me we don't discuss the pain of our fracture of our relationship it was just all about classes and schedules and grades and what are you doing now and are you seeing any boys superficial stuff. It has been 3 years now of us gently reconnecting and she really still has not said anything to me about her hurt why she's hurt she really has nothing to say. So I feel a little lost as to what she's thinking. She doesn't say I love you she doesn't hug me she cannot visit me for more than a half an hour everything else is more important she is very busy I respect this but I feel like I'm very much last in place. I come behind school boys friends other family members everything. I'm working very hard to be grateful for this but I've suffered depression and anxiety for 40 years and learning through psychiatrists psychotherapists counselors books other people in these communities and my own self-awareness that healing needs to be confronted to some degree. I mean that's what I've learned for 40 years. I'm willing to talk but she's not I don't want to be pushy. I want her to heal on her own time. But she's got this shit so far tucked away I really feel like I'm suffering in my own healing process because I can't really express my feelings to her she doesn't seem to want to hear it. Anyway I needed to share my story I am alone I'm actually kind of scared to be alone because I feel suicidal thoughts come and go lately. But mostly I'm okay I have nobody to talk to my mother is very concerned about me and since my daughter lives with her I don't want to drag my mother through complications between me and my daughter. My best friend is literally teaching my daughter to compartmentalize. So I don't talk too much to my best friend anymore about how I'm feeling my circle is very small nowadays. Any similar stories you want to share any advice any constructive ideas on what to do I am deep breathing I am participating in meditation I am praying to God for a relief from sorrow it's just nice to hear from you guys any similar situations any suggestions I'm like totally open to hearing everything. Take care of yourselves thank you for listening and be well. ❤️🌈✌️

[Marysblue]

I don't know why but I'm just now seeing your post. Most people don't understand depression, your daughter probably doesn't. I recently had a friend yell at me and quit being friends because I was depressed. Sounds like you're doing a lot of good self care. What does your therapist say, could they help you figure out how to talk to your daughter?

I don't have children but I can relate to everything else you're saying. I've battled low self-esteem my whole life. Had very little family support or help of any kind. And loads of trauma. I've made it through this life on my own.

Now I isolate and choose to be alone a lot. I wish you well. I know how hard it is. We should actually love ourselves even more for what we've had to go thru in life.

You sound like a great person and it's very nice to meet you.

[LoveforAll41]

How is it going Montana? I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of this. I know PTSD from childhood incidents cause serious harm.

I think you definitely had reason to send your daughter to be with your arm. I am sorry that there is now distance between you two. Like you said, healing has to be done/confronted. I think that if you can, little gifts or notes or acts of service for your daughter might go a long way? For sure once we get our own lives going with dating and work and school and hobbies and friends it is hard to schedule time to be with parents. Perhaps you could wash here car or clothes or I don't know... just an idea. It takes a lot and work from both sides to mend fences. A book I recommend to everyone by David Burns is "Feeling Great". I think he goes into effective communication there, or in some of his other works. I am sorry that you didn't get more responses here. I don't know what drives the algorithm