Weird question, bear with me…

[autumnmarie5]

Hello HU Family!

I have an odd question and need some advice on something that’s out of the ordinary. Anything is helpful.

My husband and I have discussed that we were going to move closer to his family and his hometown next year. It is 4 hours away from where we are now (and where my family is). Our intent is because it’s cheaper living, we want land, closer to his family, and better paying jobs. I have been extremely stressed because I knew I had to break the news to my family who is all located within a 10-20 minute radius of us (and always has been).

My mom and I have had our run arounds but have built a good relationship/friendship over the years. However, she can be extremely jealous. She is very territorial over her kids and even if someone makes a joking comment about her being our mom she gets easily offended. This being said, the news was broken to her about our move last night and she was jealous and upset. She wanted to know why we can’t live half way in between and how she would rather us live where no parents are then closer to one. Since I am her only daughter, she said that daughters are always closer to their side than sons are. She then threw out she’s been dealing with my grandfathers (her fathers) cancer and can’t believe I’m doing this. She wanted me to promise that I wouldn’t see his family more than them.

At this rate, my husband and I are still moving in a year or so but I am having such a hard time with my mom it’s causing extreme anxiety. Does she sound like she has a point or absolutely crazy? Like I said before any comment of encouragement and advice helps tremendously. Thank you for ready this far

[LifeIsThePitts]

In all honesty, she is manipulating you. She should be supportive and congratulate you and your family on the improvements you're making for YOUR future. Bringing up grandpa's cancer is WAY out of line by guilting you into thinking you're a bad person for wanting to better your circumstances. You're the only daughter...she should be thrilled you're independent and making plans for the success of your family. The tactics she's displaying and not healthy for you or her, for that matter.

My husband is completely estranged from his entire family for 6+ yrs now. We've been together for 27+ years. His mother is a HORRIBLE undiagnosed and untreated mental health disaster. Next to the definition of Borderline personality disorder is her portrait. I say "portrait" cuz the narcissism runs deep with that woman, too. I know these emotional games all too well as I watched for decades as his mom pushed and pulled my husband all over the emotional map in horrible ways. Your story is tame in comparison with the things I've witnessed but VERY damaging none the less.

You are not crazy. She IS.OUT.OF.LINE! In every (healthy) sense of the word. You are best served by moving you and your family, whenever that date is, and nurture your children and husband in every way YOU deem healthy. Set boundaries for her and yourself and DON'T SECOND GUESS your intuition. If you're offended, don't let her talk you out of it. She's your mother, not your conscience. Do right by yourself...her opinion doesn't matter, ONLY YOURS SHOULD.

I've lived watching my Best Friend and husband be tormented for decades and couldn't really say anything until he came to the unfortunate conclusion to remove himself from the family for the sake of his own mental health. It's been the best decision of his life but our story has VERY EXTREME circumstances attached beyond moms behavior that warranted the complete estrangement. That's probably NOT the case for your family. But the emotional trauma is the same. Be strong and stand your ground. Posting this already shows how much you KNOW is not right....

don't doubt your intuition ❤️your family will be healthier for it

[Boston001]

My kids are your age and they moved to the other side of the state, ironically enough to your situation my mom has cancer too. Since my ex moved out 8 years ago and my youngest kid moved out to live with their sibling 4 years ago. It is just me and my mom here, and to say the separation anxiety of feeling like my family is gone from my daily life is difficult for me would be an understatement, truthful it is a feeling of abandonment. That said, I would never do or say anything to interfere with my kid's lives. It is natural for chicks to grow into adult birds and fly away from the nest and their parents. Caring for my elderly mother and her health problems is not my kid's responsibility, if anything it is the responsibility of my siblings to help more, but they are both mentally unstable, and it is a good thing they aren't around to make things more complicated. Perhaps in the future, my children will need to make adjustments to their lives to care for me when I am elderly, but if and until then, I would like them to build a life where they are happy and able to support their responsibilities, I don't know if I'll ever be a grandpa but that is none of my business.

So you see I am seeing things from your mom's perspective. I am not happy, and it is not easy having my kids living 4 hours away, but that's my problem to deal with, not theirs.

[hypercat54]

Well of course she is going to miss you but if she really cared she would be supportive not emotionally manipulative. I wonder if she has you her only daughter lined up to be her support/carer in the years to come?

You have to do what's best for you and your family and this is non-negotiable. It's a pity you let her know so quickly as it would have been much better for your nerves to have kept it under your hat for as long as possible.

If she is getting to you then I would limit contact for the time being. When she brings this up again just change the subject. Refuse to get drawn into any argument or discussion as this gives her an out to upset you.

Good luck.

[b1b1b1]

Well, I guess I am an outlier here, but I think it is hard to understand how badly a parent can feel if her grown child moves away. I think she deserves a bit of compassion and understanding. This may well happen to you one day; think how you would feel.

[Xene]

You have to do what you want, it is your life after all. Of course your mum will be emotional but you’ll only be four hours away. Some of us have kids, grandkids that live on the other side of the world. Just try not to let her guilt trip you, she’ll come around and accept it eventually. Good luck.

[MaggieSylvie]

Hi autumnmarie5, Horrible situation to be in. Just a question: How many years have you lived close to your mum?