As Good As It Gets

[SourMelon]

It first happened when I was somewhere between 4 and 5. It happened again at 15. Again at 17. Again at 20. Again at 25. My dad left when I was 8. The first call I got from him after he ran out was from a private number. Anytime someone tries to show me they love me, I pull away. I can’t accept love that is given to me freely. I’m addicted to working for it. When love comes and I didn’t do anything to earn it, I reject it.

If a friend told me this, I would tell them that love isn’t something that can be earned. That the best kind of love is the kind you don’t have to ask for. So why can’t I put that in to practice?

I’m so overwhelmed with not being good enough and no one measuring up to the unspoken expectations I’ve created for them. Maybe I’m a terrible person. I feel like a freak. I feel broken. I feel unloveable. I feel abused and taken advantage of. I don’t blame them; there are people that would say that I used and discarded them also I’m sure. It only adds to the stress. Not being able to feel the way I do because I don’t feel like I deserve to be sad because I’ve made others dad. It doesn’t matter that I feel unlovable because I’ve made others feel unloveable.

[fauxartist]

Sometimes when we were emotionally and physically abandon by our parent or caregiver throughout our lives. We blame ourselves for their actions, we think they left because of something we did or didn't do. We don't feel good enough, or worthy because we were thrown away..... the fact is.... you didn't deserve that, it was not your fault....your were a kid, a young adult, and your father was selfish and didn't see or care about the damage this did to this little kids broken heart.

We carry that hurt and pain and damaged self-worth into our adult lives, and push people away because we are afraid to get abandoned and hurt again. But the oxymoron is we also tend to get into dysfunctional relationships where we desperately try to hold onto them as well, we find someone who really isn't that committed and probably is a bit narcissistic, and we would never really truly have their love. It's the open back door we look for in relationships....we know deep down in our hearts its never going to last. So we already know the outcome, and in a way we are then in control to say when it ends...I knew this would happen.

This damage done as a kid with abandonment is very deep, and unless you get help from someone who understands it.... the pattern will repeat. You were just a kid, you did nothing wrong and you didn't deserve this....it wasn't your fault....

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to fauxartist]

I so identify with choosing people who reinforced my warped view of myself. I felt unlovable and picked men who showed they agreed with me. I had a friend who said to me once, “You don’t want a relationship.” I was furious. How dare she say that to me. I had been trying to form a relationship with someone my whole life. I had two divorces to prove it.

I tried her observation on for size and realized that she was right. If I really did want a partner, why did I continue to pick men who were emotionally unavailable? I was unable to view myself as anything than worthless.

First I needed to love myself. I did that by getting to know myself. I discovered who I really am. Then I became to like the me I found. After that I could love myself. Once I loved myself I could accept that other people could love me too.

It was a long, hard process. And it continues even today. I am continually learning new things about myself and my personality traits. I have to continue to grow.

Hopefully this helps the OP. Sorry if I hijacked the post.

[fauxartist in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Emotionally unavailable... perfect analogy....and exactly what I did too, finding someone who would happily take advantage of that and use me to their advantage. I was once told we only attract people to us who are as emotionally healthy as we are, so the healthier we get, the better relationships we can have.

I don't see how commenting on a post is hi-jacking it my friend....when someone takes someone's post off into a 180 direction and starts their own chat topic with others at the expense of the poster, or re-directs members to comment on their own posts....I think that's hijacking someone's post.

[SourMelon in reply to fauxartist]

LilyAnnepuppy y’all are so awesome. This was actually so very helpful. My therapist also pointed out at one point that I go for men who are emotionally unavailable and that maybe it has something to do with me also feeling emotionally unavailable. I think it’s true, I just feel so deeply stuck. I’d like to think of tried to love myself but I keep getting it wrong and it’s so easy for me to revert back to people pleasing until I’ve lost sight of myself again. Before I know it, all of my hard work has been undone.

[fauxartist in reply to SourMelon]

Therapy helped me to learn how to not jump into relationships too quickly and how to value myself and my needs and wants in life. It takes a long time really to get to know someone, it's not like in the movies where prince charming shows up and whisks you away to the perfect fairlytale life. Once the honeymoon is over, if you weren't good friends to be with, it's often harder to get on with the work it takes to build a relationship.

[Agora1 in reply to fauxartist]

I totally agree with you fauxartist... xx

[Agora1]

SourMelon, I can only repeat the words of fauxartist in that "it is not your fault" xx

[Hidden]

Please get some talk therapy. YOu will feel so much better. Sending hugs!

[SourMelon in reply to Hidden]

thank you so much ❤️ I’m seeing a therapist and having a neutral 3rd party has been very helpful. I’m really trying to see a psychiatrist but haven’t had the best of luck finding one.